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Original poster

How do you normally bring up the possibility of having sex with a new partner?

54 replies

CuriousInitiator · 10/10/2022 14:24

I've recently started seeing a man who I met through a dating site. I got divorced in early 2021 and I haven't dated anyone since leaving my ex. I decided to tentatively enter the world of online dating because, to put it bluntly, I've been getting a bit frustrated. I found a man who interested me and there seems to be a great deal of chemistry and mutual attraction between us. I've only had one date with him so far and it went quite well. Conversation flowed smoothly. At the risk of sounding like an overly-excited teenager (I'm 42, he is 36), I haven't been able to stop thinking about him since meeting him. There has been flirty messaging going on between us. I would like to invite him over to my house. I haven't discussed the idea of sex yet, and I'm wondering how to bring it up. I basically want him to know I'm up for having sex, and finding out if he feels the same way, without seeming too full-on or pressuring him. Also, I'm not saying it needs to follow a script, but if you do invite someone over, what would be the norm? Would you normally discuss sex before that point? Do you think a second date is too soon to be having sex? I'm a bit clueless about etiquette as I haven't dated or been intimate with a new partner for so long.

OP posts:
cravattwat · 10/10/2022 14:28

Can't you just invite him over and see what happens? I don't know that I've ever had a conversation about it except if we were sexting or talking about sex.

Saying that, are you really sure you want a guy you don't know well and have only met once to come to your house? I'm a total hypocrite as I had a lot of one night stands when I was in my 20s but I'm older and more cautious now through bitter experience.

outtheshowernow · 10/10/2022 14:30

I don't think it normal to discuss this before hand. Why don't you just see how things go on the night naturally !

outtheshowernow · 10/10/2022 14:31

Oh yes I've just seen that part. You need to make sure you are safe he could be a serial killer ! You don't know this man. Maybe have a good few more dates in public before you ask him round

WimpoleHat · 10/10/2022 14:33

I basically want him to know I'm up for having sex, and finding out if he feels the same way, without seeming too full-on or pressuring him

Without wishing to sound flippant, he is a man. You have been flirting with each other. If I were a betting woman, I’d have a substantial bet on his wanting to get his end away with you…..🤣. On a more serious note, though, is it something that you discuss formally? Caveat - I’m married and out of date - but in my experience, you go out, you go back and you take it from there…..

Whataretheodds · 10/10/2022 14:37

At your age no, it's not something you would discuss formally.

Agree with PP that he's most likely assuming/hoping sex will be involved at some point soon. Also that you would be better going on another date before going home with him.

Are you looking for a relationship or just a shag? If the former, hold out a bit and deal with your frustration in other ways.

Ravensclawdropout · 10/10/2022 14:43

A man who is going out of his way to meet you and flirt with you constantly is always hoping you're "up for it". You really don't need to have discussions, just wait until you feel safe enough to be alone with him where it would be possible to have sex. Most men would need little encouragement to get physical if you kept kissing and flirting. This is the reason he's on the app in the first place.

My concern would be more about you being prepared to be dropped immediately once you have had sex. The relationship could develop of course of you could become "friends with benefits" but there will also be a number of men who are only looking for a shag and never contact you again. That would also be a reason to hold off and get to know each other better if you would find that emotionally difficult.

Of course, you may be a woman that's fine with a ONS.

Original poster
CuriousInitiator · 10/10/2022 14:43

@Whataretheodds At this time, I'm honestly looking for a shag more than looking to jump in to another relationship. One of the reasons my marriage ended was that my ex-DH was rubbish in bed. It was awful. I've been managing on my own but I keep thinking about sex. Within the last 6 months or so, my libido has soared without any clear explanation.

OP posts:
Whataretheodds · 10/10/2022 15:06

On the app where you met this guy what did you say you were looking for, what did he say he was looking for?

Original poster
CuriousInitiator · 10/10/2022 15:13

On my profile I just put that I am looking for a bit of casual fun. On his, he says he is "looking to meet someone and seeing where it leads".

OP posts:
DropOfffArtiste · 10/10/2022 15:27

Casual fun in the context of dating apps means no-strings sex. He will expect you to be up for sex.

MorrisZapp · 10/10/2022 15:32

Oh bless your heart 🤣🤣🤣

DropOfffArtiste · 10/10/2022 15:35

Surprised he hasn't mentioned it already tbh.

Choconut · 10/10/2022 15:41

'Fun' = sex. So you really don't need to bring it up again. When he arrives he'll no doubt be expecting.

Original poster
CuriousInitiator · 10/10/2022 15:49

@DropOfffArtiste @Choconut I've been worrying that if he turns up and I start getting handsy with him and kissing him, he might be a bit taken aback. Hence me wondering if I should just ask him if he is wanting or anticipating sex. If he is already expecting it just from us flirting and the fact I'm inviting him over, then I suppose I don't need to bring it up in advance.

OP posts:
whoknew123 · 10/10/2022 15:49

Tell him to bring a toothbrush x

Newusername21 · 10/10/2022 15:51

Honestly in this day and age I think it's perfectly fine to discuss having sex - before you actually have sex. But that doesn't have to be a lengthy in depth conversation.
So - as it seems like you're just after a bit of fun (and in my opinion nothing wrong with that)

If the text conversation is getting very flirty you could be quite direct and ask him how he feels about sex with you. Then ask him round and see what happens. Obviously do think of safety and see what you can find out about him by Googling (to check whatever he's told you is true etc) But (speaking from personal experience I don't think there's anything wrong with asking him round to yours as long as you've done some basic background checks)

gogohmm · 10/10/2022 15:52

Just invite him over, then let the evening take its course, we both knew , no words needed

Original poster
CuriousInitiator · 10/10/2022 15:59

Thanks everyone. I have looked him up on Google and he seems pretty normal. He hasn't made any bold, extravagant claims or anything like that.

OP posts:
Ithoughtthiswastherehearsal · 10/10/2022 16:22

Depends on personality I guess. For me, I can’t think of a bigger passion-killer than “discussing whether to have sex” 😬

Go on another date and have a nice time.

For the third date, ask him to yours for a film and a meal. Wear a shortish skirt or lowish top or whatever and open a bottle of wine. Snuggle and see where things go. He’s male. They have sex on the brain. Usually if you smile at a man, they start thinking you want sex.

Mamato3boysand2dogs · 10/10/2022 16:30

No you don't need to discuss it or ask him if he wants it. How awkward.

Just go with the flow, if sex is on both your minds, it'll happen naturally.

I also doubt he will mind much if you get "handsy" with him but again, see how it goes, take your cues from his body language.

Good luck

Pineappleskies · 10/10/2022 16:32

I adore you. I don't know anything else about you but this message but it is just adorable and sweet but also very practical! and I hope you have some lovely sex.

2bazookas · 10/10/2022 16:38

Its a very long time ago, but I don't ever remember a wordy debate about "are we going to Do It, how much and when".

All negotiations were physical, by touch, in slow gradual stages.

DeliaTookATumble · 10/10/2022 16:42

I would absolutely discuss it beforehand. It’s fine to do so and gets people’s hopes and expectations out in the open.

I say this as a fairly newly single woman in my late 40s. It’s not awkward at all, well not for me or the people I’ve been dating.

OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss · 10/10/2022 16:48

I'm looking for a long term relationship having had two years of wanton
'Causal fun' then two years 'working in myself' (off the apps entirely)

I had a first date with someone I matched with last week last night and totally want to grease him up and ride him like a big boy but will be trying to eke it out and get a few 'getting to know' you dates with him to (a) assess his intentions vs mine and (b) seeing if I actually like him as much as I think I might based on one evening.
I've been wrong before and got intimate with someone who wasn't good for me but I got bonded because of the sexy stuff. It was annoying so I've learnt. This is almost the flip side of your situation.

You can assume if you invite him to yours for a sleepover it's not going to be a surprise when you get saucy together. But be aware that casual wanton fun isn't always as easy and straightforward as you hope it is going to be.

Elieza · 10/10/2022 16:52

Tell your best mate who he is and give contact info, so if you vanish and a large rockery or patio appears in your garden she can alert the authorities. You don’t know him and lots of people seem nice but are single for a reason!

Be aware that he may be sleeping with a number of women. So their diseases can be your diseases if you don’t use condoms. Apparently STDs are rising in the over 40s (I think it was) due to them forgetting this stuff.

Also that no contraception is 100% reliable. Just saying. Lecture over. Have a good time whatever you get up to :-)