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Original poster

How do you normally bring up the possibility of having sex with a new partner?

54 replies

CuriousInitiator · 10/10/2022 14:24

I've recently started seeing a man who I met through a dating site. I got divorced in early 2021 and I haven't dated anyone since leaving my ex. I decided to tentatively enter the world of online dating because, to put it bluntly, I've been getting a bit frustrated. I found a man who interested me and there seems to be a great deal of chemistry and mutual attraction between us. I've only had one date with him so far and it went quite well. Conversation flowed smoothly. At the risk of sounding like an overly-excited teenager (I'm 42, he is 36), I haven't been able to stop thinking about him since meeting him. There has been flirty messaging going on between us. I would like to invite him over to my house. I haven't discussed the idea of sex yet, and I'm wondering how to bring it up. I basically want him to know I'm up for having sex, and finding out if he feels the same way, without seeming too full-on or pressuring him. Also, I'm not saying it needs to follow a script, but if you do invite someone over, what would be the norm? Would you normally discuss sex before that point? Do you think a second date is too soon to be having sex? I'm a bit clueless about etiquette as I haven't dated or been intimate with a new partner for so long.

OP posts:
Oopsiedaisyy · 10/10/2022 16:59

Met someone nice, had two dinner dates, third date really wanted to jump his bones so invited him around for dinner... Which we cooked eventually 😏

Go for it, and if he's no good, find someone new

SteveHarringtonsChestHair · 10/10/2022 17:00

If you invite him to your house you’re essentially opening up the likelihood of sex so you don’t need to discuss it. The fact that you’ve said you’re looking for casual fun shows prospective dates that you’re not averse to sex quite soon, so he’ll be expecting it no doubt.

FWIW I met a guy recently, he’s also younger than me. We went on one normal date and then second one was going to his house to watch a film. He gave me a get-out by saying that we knew perfectly well if we were on our own in private we knew what would happen, so if I’d rather take it slow we could meet somewhere else.

I went round. We had great sex.

Haven’t heard from him again Grin

ArcticSkewer · 10/10/2022 17:06

The hetero vanilla way is to not discuss anything, including sti checks and boundaries, then be surprised if/ when things go pear-shaped.

Me? I am very open and upfront about the types of sex I like and don't like, and insist on sti checks beforehand.

DeliaTookATumble · 10/10/2022 17:16

Just to say, inviting someone to your home does not in any way open up the likelihood of sex. It says nothing except you have invited someone to your home.

it’s this kind of bullshit, as well as the low cut top stuff, that gets used against women as ‘asking for it.’

Just talk! It doesn’t have to be awkward because you’re both grown adults. Plus, it can be fun. Good luck!

DeliaTookATumble · 10/10/2022 17:18

ArcticSkewer · 10/10/2022 17:06

The hetero vanilla way is to not discuss anything, including sti checks and boundaries, then be surprised if/ when things go pear-shaped.

Me? I am very open and upfront about the types of sex I like and don't like, and insist on sti checks beforehand.

Hear hear.

sawdustformypony · 10/10/2022 17:26

it’s this kind of bullshit, as well as the low cut top stuff, that gets used against women as ‘asking for it

I think you'll find from the OP's initial post, that she is 'asking for it'. With a fair wind, let's hope she gets what she wants

JellyBean07 · 10/10/2022 17:27

I agree that inviting someone to your home shouldn't come with the expectation of sex but is probably in the mind of anyone dating?

I don't think it needs explicit discussion beforehand , just see where the time you spend together leads!

DeliaTookATumble · 10/10/2022 17:30

sawdustformypony · 10/10/2022 17:26

it’s this kind of bullshit, as well as the low cut top stuff, that gets used against women as ‘asking for it

I think you'll find from the OP's initial post, that she is 'asking for it'. With a fair wind, let's hope she gets what she wants

In this situation, true :) But I hope I can invite a man into my home without it in any way indicating that I want sex unless I expressly and enthusiastically say that I do.

I totally hope the OP gets what she wants too.

Talon01 · 10/10/2022 17:38

Just ask him over and when you get in to conversation sound out if he might be up for sleeping over. Not explicit but obvious enough.

stealthninjamum · 10/10/2022 18:41

Of course you can chat about sex, before I slept with dp we discussed condoms and stis and some boundaries.

girlcrew · 10/10/2022 18:41

I don't know how anyone not discussing sex before sex nowadays, especially you just want causal fun, how about STI test? It doesn't have to be a formal conversation in a off putting way, but while you are flirting/sexting, just mention about safe sex, boundaries etc...

Opentooffers · 10/10/2022 19:02

Nope, I beg to differ with a previous poster. Inviting someone over does imply sex is on the cards, so he will be anticipating it. Of course, any person can change their mind at any time, but to say an invite to your house is just that, is naiive. I think it might be wise to have another date or 2, so you've got more to go on with his trustworthiness - though taking your time is no guarantee either, anyone can lie about stuff. Do what feels comfortable, but you don't have to discuss anything other than condom use when you get to it.

Oopsiedaisyy · 10/10/2022 19:33

When you open the door simply kiss him in such a way so he knows exactly what you want

Songoftheseas · 10/10/2022 19:42

I’m the same age as you (although married for 12 years and still married) and I would never discuss it first in your situation, that sounds incredibly awkward 😳 You will know if there is sexual chemistry/he’s a keeper if things happen naturally and isn’t that the fun part? It has been so long but I dimly remember through the cobwebs the thrill of anticipation and wondering if we would have sex!

AbonnieLass · 10/10/2022 21:19

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This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

PermanentTemporary · 10/10/2022 21:25

Just kiss him?

And have condoms. A surprising number of men 'forget' to buy any.

I used to do a lot of sexting beforehand so that they knew what I was looking for and what turned me on, and vice versa. Sexting improved my sex life about 500%.

Oopsiedaisyy · 10/10/2022 21:50

I was in a marriage with awful sex so I'm a very eager beaver now😂

StarlightLady · 11/10/2022 10:48

OP, I'm a similar age to you. I'm a firm believer in getting into the saddle (or the bed) as soon as possible if the chemistry is right. That way, you can find out what someone is really like. Someone has suggested up thread that you may not see them again afterwards. That is always a risk, no matter when you go for it or how long you wait. And if you want sex there is really no point in waiting.

i tend to find if you slip your knickers offend throw them at the other one 😂they tend to get the hint. I am too old to be backward in coming forward.

My advice would be to make sure you have condoms in your bedside drawer, so a little discussion beforehand on this one would be a good idea. If he produces one, then fine, but don't make assumptions here. Smart women carry condoms. And let him know what your expectations are.

And, as in the post above, let a friend know what is happening and where you are, even if it's in your home.

Enjoy yourself and flush any inhibitions down the loo!

JanesBond · 11/10/2022 11:14

I wouldn’t ask him straight to my house. I would suggest meeting up for a drink somewhere very close to where I live, and then suggesting he ‘walks me home’.

Successgirl2022 · 11/10/2022 11:18

We were discussing everything with my DH including safe sex - what we would like, our preferences & boundaries.

But I was looking for committed relations & happy marriage and never casual fun.

We were talking every day for 2 months. When we met we were passionate and loving. It happened naturally with us with great sexual chemistry for 17 years.

Original poster
CuriousInitiator · 16/10/2022 23:15

I ended up going on another date with him. It went well, and this time I asked him if he wanted to come round to my house. After we were inside, I told him I couldn't stop thinking about him, which seemed to turn him on a lot. I was already quite turned on myself at that point. We started kissing, and then I asked him if he wanted to go upstairs. We both knew what that meant. Things progressed naturally from there. I was worried that getting the condom ready and him using it might be a bit awkward, but it wasn't. It was actually quite a turn-on as we knew what was about to happen after that, and both wanted it very much. I will just say both of us were left utterly exhausted and also completely satisfied. He was also very skilful with his hands and mouth, unlike my ex who would make any excuse not to do that. I just hope this isn't too racy for MN. 😂

Not sure if it will turn out to be a one-off or not, but I texted him today saying I enjoyed it very much and would love a repeat if he also wants that. He said he does, so we'll see what happens.

OP posts:
Girlsontour · 16/10/2022 23:34

Well done @CuriousInitiator ! High five 🖐 to you 😉

OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss · 17/10/2022 10:39

What an absolutely fantastic update @CuriousInitiator that sounds completely brilliant. Go you!

mincepi · 17/10/2022 11:10

Wahoo! Great news Op!

workiskillingme · 17/10/2022 11:12

WimpoleHat · 10/10/2022 14:33

I basically want him to know I'm up for having sex, and finding out if he feels the same way, without seeming too full-on or pressuring him

Without wishing to sound flippant, he is a man. You have been flirting with each other. If I were a betting woman, I’d have a substantial bet on his wanting to get his end away with you…..🤣. On a more serious note, though, is it something that you discuss formally? Caveat - I’m married and out of date - but in my experience, you go out, you go back and you take it from there…..

lol this idea really makes me chuckle
'Well darling just an issue we may need to discuss- I am open to a bit of fornication how do you propose we do this? On the floor? The settee? What are the risk factors? '
Dear goodness

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