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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Im not ready to sleep with new guy yet

52 replies

Frankleee · 10/10/2022 09:35

We have been on 3 dates, date 2 in particular was quite romantic and enjoying getting to know each other. Both seem to be looking for similar things, he is very complimentary, says I’m beautiful a lot, seems into me and I like him.

was slightly put off on date 3 when he hinted a few times to come back to mine. It almost gave me the ick as he suggested and I said it wouldn’t be possible (various reasons) and then later on he asked if I was sure, which seemed pushy. In his defence we had both had a bit to drink and I guess it’s normal to want things to go there.

for the next date we are going to his and cooking together. Is it worth saying that I’d love to stay over but enjoying taking things slow so a little too early just yet to sleep together (for me). I guess I’m worried that might make him things I don’t like him or not into him (both untrue, I just need time) or worse that he may try to persuade me when I’m there (which would give me the ick).

any advice please?

OP posts:
Fcuk38 · 10/10/2022 09:42

Well defo don’t go round his to cook.

YellowAndGreenToBeSeen · 10/10/2022 09:45

Agree with PP, I wouldn’t be going to his house yet and I definitely wouldn’t be staying. He will push for sex.

Original poster
Frankleee · 10/10/2022 09:51

What do I suggest instead?

OP posts:
RandomMusings7 · 10/10/2022 09:56

Maybe find an event happening in the area around that time and say you really want to attend that instead?

i agree that going to his sets the wrong expectations and it will be harder to extract yourself from the situation than to avoid it altogether

SallyWD · 10/10/2022 09:57

I'd be completely honest. You're really enjoying his company and you like to take things slowly. There's nothing to be ashamed of here. I think it's important he understands where you're coming from so he doesn't keep pushing for sex early on. If he's a decent guy he won't pressurise you. My DH waited many months and never complained.

forgotoldusername · 10/10/2022 09:57

@franklee I only slept with my guy after 50 dates or so and 8 months. He didn't push me at all. I don't like the fact your guy kept hinting.
You say "I prefer not to meet at your house". Full stop. If he insists, tell him you're not compatible, block and delete

pinkpanel · 10/10/2022 10:00

I wouldn't stay over with someone I wasn't ready to sleep with

In theory you should be able to go round cook and leave. Most guys would try it on in their own house on date 4 and I don't think there's anything particularly wrong with that as long as he doesn't push it when you make it clear you're not ready

However, if I'm trying it on would give you the ick id avoid the situation or I think could ruin something that you seem to think may have potential

AnyFucker · 10/10/2022 10:00

Communicate. Tell him you are not ready and you will let him know when you are.

If you do go to his house have an exit plan where you can literally walk out if need be. Drive yourself there or have a taxi booked earlyish, say 10pm, have a friend on speed dial

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 10/10/2022 10:04

SallyWD · 10/10/2022 09:57

I'd be completely honest. You're really enjoying his company and you like to take things slowly. There's nothing to be ashamed of here. I think it's important he understands where you're coming from so he doesn't keep pushing for sex early on. If he's a decent guy he won't pressurise you. My DH waited many months and never complained.

Agree.

I don't sleep with strangers and never felt embarrassed to be up front about that. Getting to know someone for months before having sex is not abnormal or odd. After two dates you barely know him.

Don't go to his. It's a ploy and he'll be expecting sex.

Mamato3boysand2dogs · 10/10/2022 10:10

Was he aware of this stance when you started dating? I.e. that you wantes to take it slow, no sex for a good while etc?

If so, then he's being a bit pushy and i would definitely not go to his house and stay over.... prerequisites to sex.

If you didnt make it clear, you need to now. Wanting sex on Date 4 is not that unreasonable. Be clear.

TurtleTriplets · 10/10/2022 10:15

I agree with the general consensus to not go to his house.

He is not being unreasonable if he tries his luck and you are not being unreasonable to want to wait. Clear communication is key.

Flyinggeesei234 · 10/10/2022 10:21

TurtleTriplets · 10/10/2022 10:15

I agree with the general consensus to not go to his house.

He is not being unreasonable if he tries his luck and you are not being unreasonable to want to wait. Clear communication is key.

Agree. And with other POs.

OP it would be way too soon for me too. It’s fine to communicate this. I wouldn’t be going round to ‘cooks. Just suggest meeting somewhere else instead. If he’s reluctant or tries to talk you round you have all the reason you need to tell him it’s not working.

Good luck.

bingbummy · 10/10/2022 10:47

I have firm advice.

Don't go to his house, meet up outside again. If it comes up tell him you don't want to sleep with him yet and you want to get to know him more first.

If his response is anything other than liking you more he's only in it for sex.

There's no two ways about this. It's not popular to say this and there will be exceptions, but men prefer women who don't put out easily since it indicates they have not shagged thousands of men before them.

Like I said, you declining sex should only increase his keenness for you if he is thinking about getting serious about you.

Sadgirlonatrain · 10/10/2022 10:53

Definitely be honest. Tell him you like him but want to take it slow. If he's a decent man he'll be ok with it, and if he's a good man he'll appreciate your honesty and your feelings. And if he's the one, it'll be great when it does happen! Stick to your guns OP.

Pinkbonbon · 10/10/2022 11:30

Tbh op he sounds like he might be a love bomber.

Telling you you look beautiful once at the beginning of a date, great. But saying you're beautiful a lot = trying to butter you up.

Also he was pushy after you said no to taking him back to your house. There's no excuse for that.

I wouldn't see him again. But if you do, avoid private homes for quite some time.

Lovemusic33 · 10/10/2022 11:34

Just be honest with him, tell him you want to take things slowly. If you are going to his to cook then make it clear that sex won’t be on the cards. If he’s a good guy he will understand and will wait, if he vanishes then you know he was only after one thing.

Sandcastlesinthesky · 10/10/2022 11:37

It’s very simple you just text and say ‘I’d rather go out’. Rinse and repeat. If he keeps pushing give him a wide berth. You’re not obliged to have sex with a man you’ve met three times. He could be a serial killer/ rapist apart from the fact you don’t want to. I waited three months with one guy I dated.

Sisisimone · 10/10/2022 11:43

I wouldn't see him again after the pushing for sex when you'd been clear it was a no. You got the 'ick' for a reason. No idea why you would think staying at his house was a good idea after that - he's already made it clear he wants sex. If he gets pushy in his own house you could be left in a vulnerable situation.

Also agree with pp that he sounds like a live bomber

Toomanysleepycats · 10/10/2022 11:43

I agree about not going to his house.

For some people (men) agree to going to his house is actually an understanding there will be sex. Just like Netflix and chill. For a long time I thought chill was actually chilling (as in the original meaning) but later found it means sex (with watching a movie as optional.

Even if you make it clear beforehand that you don’t want sex, with the added complication of alcohol it could still get messy.

Yes it would be lovely if he was a true gentleman, but as you and others have stated he is already a bit pushy

Dery · 10/10/2022 11:46

“Don't go to his house, meet up outside again. If it comes up tell him you don't want to sleep with him yet and you want to get to know him more first.

If his response is anything other than liking you more he's only in it for sex.”

This. An invitation to go to his house to cook is an invitation for you to end the evening in bed together. There’s nothing wrong with wanting sex on a 4th date and nothing wrong with not wanting it. But since you don’t, it’s better not to get involved in such an intimate domestic scene.

Pheasantpluckersunite86 · 10/10/2022 11:50

Yeah I met my bloke , now dh, at the start of June and didn’t sleep with him until mid September. Although we did kiss and hug quite a lot he didn’t try it on and was respectful. I really like the fact that I didn’t feel pressured.

isthismylifenow · 10/10/2022 11:55

You can avoid the awkward situation and don't meet at his house.

If he pushes the topic again, then say you are not ready. But going to his house, for sure he is thinking he's getting it on.

But the fact he was pushy about it on date 2 when he knew the situation, would ring alarm bells for me.

Go for a pub meal, go to see a film, grab a pizza, have a picnic... there are umpteen things you can do which don't involve going to his house.

isthismylifenow · 10/10/2022 11:57

If you were after something casual then it would not be an issue, but you have made it clear that isn't what you want. He either respects that, or he doesn't. The latter means you move on swiftly.

Breastfeedingworries · 10/10/2022 12:08

I went out for dinner with dp, came back and slept with him on the first date, moved in the next day and never left! Been here since march, going for holiday with his parents this Sunday 🤣 think we’ re marrying next year, baby planning after Christmas, buying house in April!

although the caveat to this story is I’ve known him 15 years! We were both in other relationships. Life’s very strange! How sometimes the most unexpected things happen.

good luck op

Sisisimone · 10/10/2022 12:12

You must surely know OP that the invite to spend the evening at his is for sex? Its not an evening of 'cooking' he is looking forward to!

It sounds from your OP that you weren't honest about not wanting sex yet and just made various logistical excuses as to why he couldn't stay there. Be honest that you want to take things slow and for God's sake don't put yourself in the awkward position of staying over at his house

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