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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Im not ready to sleep with new guy yet

52 replies

Frankleee · 10/10/2022 09:35

We have been on 3 dates, date 2 in particular was quite romantic and enjoying getting to know each other. Both seem to be looking for similar things, he is very complimentary, says I’m beautiful a lot, seems into me and I like him.

was slightly put off on date 3 when he hinted a few times to come back to mine. It almost gave me the ick as he suggested and I said it wouldn’t be possible (various reasons) and then later on he asked if I was sure, which seemed pushy. In his defence we had both had a bit to drink and I guess it’s normal to want things to go there.

for the next date we are going to his and cooking together. Is it worth saying that I’d love to stay over but enjoying taking things slow so a little too early just yet to sleep together (for me). I guess I’m worried that might make him things I don’t like him or not into him (both untrue, I just need time) or worse that he may try to persuade me when I’m there (which would give me the ick).

any advice please?

OP posts:

RandomMusings7 · 10/10/2022 12:14

Breastfeedingworries · 10/10/2022 12:08

I went out for dinner with dp, came back and slept with him on the first date, moved in the next day and never left! Been here since march, going for holiday with his parents this Sunday 🤣 think we’ re marrying next year, baby planning after Christmas, buying house in April!

although the caveat to this story is I’ve known him 15 years! We were both in other relationships. Life’s very strange! How sometimes the most unexpected things happen.

good luck op

Relevance to OP...?

DogDa · 10/10/2022 12:17

Breastfeedingworries · 10/10/2022 12:08

although the caveat to this story is I’ve known him 15 years! We were both in other relationships. Life’s very strange! How sometimes the most unexpected things happen.

good luck op

Completely irrelevant?!

SpinningFloppa · 10/10/2022 12:18

I wouldn’t stay over his house after 4 dates but then I also wouldn’t be ready so soon. I definitely think he would be expecting sex.

Oopsiedaisyy · 10/10/2022 12:20

For some people taking things slowly would be waiting to have sex on the 4th date... Come over and I'll cook is code for "and you'll be dessert"

You need to be clear with him you don't want to

Sisisimone · 10/10/2022 12:20

Relevance to OP...?
None whatsoever. Appears to be some kind of weird 'look at me I'm so blissfully happy' stealth boast.

Sandcastlesinthesky · 10/10/2022 12:22

Breastfeedingworries · 10/10/2022 12:08

although the caveat to this story is I’ve known him 15 years! We were both in other relationships. Life’s very strange! How sometimes the most unexpected things happen.

good luck op

How is that relevant to the op? Whatever you think may be going to happen ( marriage, kids) as a result of YOU choosing to sleep with your partner early doors, the reality is it hasn’t happened. You’re not married and in most cases rushing into sex just doesn’t lead to long term relationships. For every woman who’s done that and gone on to have a fairytale they’ll be hundreds that have been ditched pretty soon after/ or relegated to the occasional
late night hook up request. But the bottom line is the op doesn’t want to throw caution to the wind and have sex yet so she shouldn’t,

RandomMusings7 · 10/10/2022 12:27

Sisisimone · 10/10/2022 12:20

Relevance to OP...?
None whatsoever. Appears to be some kind of weird 'look at me I'm so blissfully happy' stealth boast.

More like blissfully reckless moving forward so quickly...

forgotoldusername · 10/10/2022 12:29

Been thinking about it a bit more. The fact he insisted is very offputting. He should have taken the hint the first time. And inviting you to his place shows lack of respect. I would drop this one

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 10/10/2022 12:31

I wouldn't go to his house OP, or invite him to yours, until you know you want sex with him on that date.

I usually have sex on the first or second date myself, as I'd rather know early doors if someone is shit at sex not sexually compatible and we can both move on. But then sex is the cornerstone of my relationships and I won't compromise on it. If it doesn't hold the same importance for you then it makes sense to wait and test your compatibility on the more crucial things for you, first.

mummymeister · 10/10/2022 12:37

lifes too short for messing about so be upfront and clear that you dont want to have sex with him yet and if you do come over and cook together and eat together then that is as far as its going to go. some men are very insecure and feel if they arent "up for it" with a woman she will somehow reject him or not view him as very manly. thats an old fashioned view and never reflects what women want but somehow it still persists. so be honest with him now. you could text and say great looking forward to the evening but just so we are clear I am not ready to take the relationship to the next level yet so wont be staying over and have booked a cab. his response will tell you everything you need to know about whether this is going to be what you are looking for or not.

ThirtyThreeTrees · 10/10/2022 12:43

Communicate. Tell him you aren't comfortable having sex yet and if that's a problem then you aren't compatible.

Do this beforehand and unless you are certain that he understands and respects that, then don't go to his house.

Daisychainsx · 10/10/2022 12:45

I've stayed with guys I haven't been sleeping with, I don't see the problem with it. As long as you're open and honest about it from the beginning so you don't find yourself in a difficult situation. When I was single I quite enjoyed a few dates with kissing and cuddling in bed before jumping to sex, it was never an issue! After a few dates I preferred to hang out in our homes, it was more comfortable (and less expensive!).
If you're in any way unsure about his intentions then stay well away, but if you're both on the same page and have had a discussion about sex then I don't see an issue with going over.

Ithoughtthiswastherehearsal · 10/10/2022 12:52

He has invited you round for sex. The cooking is a euphemism. If you don’t have want sex, go out for a meal/theatre instead (and whatever you do, don’t invite him to yours!)

Do reflect on why it gives you “the ick” when he comes on to you. Is the way he does it unattractive? Does it remind you if unpleasant past experiences? Is it a religious/culutral thing? Do you want to be courted for a long time first? Or do you want a romantic relationship but don’t actually want sex at all? I ask because I think a lot of women in the prime of life when faced on date four with a guy they’re attracted to trying to seduce them, would find that quite a turn on, and if you don’t, maybe get straight in your head why not. Getting ‘the ick’ this early doesn’t seem a good sign unless there’s a reason.

blinkingtelly · 10/10/2022 13:09

I definitely wouldn't stay over as that's creating an expectation. If you want to take things slowly, then best to plan day dates or dates away from each other's houses. But also, you need to talk to him. If he's a good guy, he'll be really respectful of your timeline.

Watchkeys · 10/10/2022 14:09

Frankleee · 10/10/2022 09:51

What do I suggest instead?

You stay away from men you feel might misread you if you say 'I'm not ready', and men who you feel might try to persuade you into sexual acts you don't really want to perform.

You don't suggest things to them. You tell them you're not interested, you turn your back, and you walk away.

Watchkeys · 10/10/2022 14:14

Getting ‘the ick’ this early doesn’t seem a good sign unless there’s a reason

And if there's a reason, OP should ignore the 'ick' feeling?

Original poster

Frankleee · 10/10/2022 14:31

Watchkeys · 10/10/2022 14:14

Getting ‘the ick’ this early doesn’t seem a good sign unless there’s a reason

And if there's a reason, OP should ignore the 'ick' feeling?

The reason was because I was being pressured!! It killed any passion or excitement I may have felt.

i have spoken to him on the phone and said I want to take things slowly but really enjoying getting to know him. He said that’s fine for him and shall we meet for food somewhere between us both.

OP posts:

Watchkeys · 10/10/2022 14:36

Why do you want someone whose actions have turned you off, sexually, on date 2?

Do you think there's any way in which this could be a healthy relationship for you, if you already feel he's capable of being disrespectful of your wishes?

UneFilleDeBelleville · 10/10/2022 14:40

If he is pressuring you to the point that you feel uncomfortable (the ick) for me that would be a red flag.

Backtoreality22 · 10/10/2022 14:42

I had one guy ask me to go to his on the second date and he would cook. I told him I would prefer a night out and I never heard from him again! Oh apart from occasionally when he was in my area and would ring asking if I would like a visitor.

iwannascream · 10/10/2022 14:43

Hi just read your update that's a nice reply from him. I met my other half who lived nearly 2 hrs away and I wanted to take things really slowly as I was only seeing him one day at the weekend due to the distance. After about 3 actual dates and talking every day, we took sex off the table and just relaxed and got to know each other. It was a difficult conversation to start but I was on edge worrying about it so decided if he was bothered about sex and wanting it he wasn't the one for me. Enjoy your meal and spending time getting to know each other. Oh we are still together now and still enjoy spending time together :)

Backtoreality22 · 10/10/2022 14:43

Sorry, don’t know if that is relevant now after the other poster (!) but I would assume his offer to cook at his place means sex.

bumpytrumpy · 10/10/2022 14:46

@Frankleee that's a good response from him. You've been clear and on the surface he's accepted it. See how the meal goes - if he drops more sex hints then you know he's not a keeper.

Watchkeys · 10/10/2022 14:48

bumpytrumpy · 10/10/2022 14:46

@Frankleee that's a good response from him. You've been clear and on the surface he's accepted it. See how the meal goes - if he drops more sex hints then you know he's not a keeper.

How many sex hints does he need to drop? He's already dropped enough that OP has felt uncomfortable to the point of killing her desire for him.

Does he really need to do more?

YouAreNotBatman · 10/10/2022 14:53

DogDa · 10/10/2022 12:17

Completely irrelevant?!

Show quote history

She just wanted everyone to know she has a boyfriend.

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