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Original poster

Have I been used?

65 replies

Willdoitlateron · 09/10/2022 17:26

My boyfriend of 3 years broke up with me earlier this year, didn't get any warning it was coming. I was devastated and it took months to even start feeling slightly normal again. 4 months later I get a text from him and we end up meeting up. For the last 4 months we've been texting most days, meeting up and sleeping together. He text me earlier today to ask what I was up to tonight, I said nothing and invited him over. He replied and said yes he would but he needed to say something first. Cue a text from him saying that it's fine what's been happening the past few months but what if one of us starts dating someone else, and we can't carry on doing this forever.

Wtf? Has he literally been using me all this time?

OP posts:
KangarooKenny · 09/10/2022 17:27

Using you for sex I’d say. Dump him.

W0tnow · 09/10/2022 17:28

Yes.

minticecreamisjustok · 09/10/2022 17:29

Yes he's telling you he's using you until he finds someone else.
Obviously doesn't care much about your feelings. Just block and move on. Sorry

Jinglejangle22 · 09/10/2022 17:40

@Willdoitlateron knowing most men yes it sounds like he wants to put it out there that he “might meet someone else”. However, just just give a different point of view, I am still seeing and in contact with my ex. (Although we don’t sleep together) But there’s still that connection and I am thinking of sending a similar msg soon to say we can’t keep doing this forever. It’s different in that we aren’t sleeping together but I feel like we can’t stay in limbo forever and we either need to be together or cut contact. So I wonder if he’s asking you to clarify what you want?

Opentooffers · 09/10/2022 17:44

Depends on your pov. Unfortunately, you've taken it that you're back together, which isn't the case. Be aware that sex does not mean a relationship to most men, unless they have verbally made it clear that is their intent. Seems he viewed this as 2 people hooking up now and then. I'd say he's now realised that you want more than that, so is now making it clear where he's at. Happens a lot, somehow some people need sex and a few dates before mentioning that it's a fwb arrangement only.
Generally, I'd say never go back to an ex, especially one who has dumped you out of the blue without warning in a calous fashion, better to keep your dignity.
He'd of known what a bastard he's being but still went ahead for himself, that is the kind of man you don't need in your life. So cut him out it, block move on, because you deserve better.

littleburn · 09/10/2022 17:46

He wants to have his cake and eat it and is playing on the fact that you still care about him and so have let him do this. You're not his girlfriend anymore, you're at best a friend with benefits. He's playing with your feelings and is not a good guy.

Begoniasforever · 09/10/2022 17:48

Op it’s still over. He’s realised you don’t know that. It’s friends with benefits till something better comes along. In fact I’d put good money he’s already met someone else. I’m sorry.

No2coming · 09/10/2022 18:01

He's been using you. You should tell him not to come over.

Original poster
Willdoitlateron · 09/10/2022 18:02

I understand that we never discussed us getting back together but I honestly thought the texting every day, meeting up, doing favours for each other etc meant that things were slowly moving back to how they used to be. To get a text about the possibility of us dating other people has come as a shock.

OP posts:
Jinglejangle22 · 09/10/2022 18:04

@Willdoitlateron what did you message him back?

Original poster
Willdoitlateron · 09/10/2022 18:07

@Jinglejangle22 Something along the lines of I wasn't thinking about dating anyone else, to which he replied 'oh ok fair enough'. I've not replied to that one.

OP posts:
Jinglejangle22 · 09/10/2022 18:21

@Willdoitlateron I think you need to be direct and ask him what he sees the last 4 months as? It does sound like he’s putting the brakes on but to stop you second guessing just ask him. If he is treating it as casual and still open to meeting others then I would cut contact and move on for good.

LuckyLil · 09/10/2022 18:28

Jinglejangle22 · 09/10/2022 17:40

@Willdoitlateron knowing most men yes it sounds like he wants to put it out there that he “might meet someone else”. However, just just give a different point of view, I am still seeing and in contact with my ex. (Although we don’t sleep together) But there’s still that connection and I am thinking of sending a similar msg soon to say we can’t keep doing this forever. It’s different in that we aren’t sleeping together but I feel like we can’t stay in limbo forever and we either need to be together or cut contact. So I wonder if he’s asking you to clarify what you want?

I'm more concerned about the fact you know most men 😱

LuckyLil · 09/10/2022 18:30

Willdoitlateron · 09/10/2022 18:02

I understand that we never discussed us getting back together but I honestly thought the texting every day, meeting up, doing favours for each other etc meant that things were slowly moving back to how they used to be. To get a text about the possibility of us dating other people has come as a shock.

Well maybe now is the time to have that conversation then, so that you both know where you stand.

Dery · 09/10/2022 18:31

“Unfortunately, you've taken it that you're back together, which isn't the case. Be aware that sex does not mean a relationship to most men, unless they have verbally made it clear that is their intent. Seems he viewed this as 2 people hooking up now and then. I'd say he's now realised that you want more than that, so is now making it clear where he's at. Happens a lot, somehow some people need sex and a few dates before mentioning that it's a fwb arrangement only.

Generally, I'd say never go back to an ex, especially one who has dumped you out of the blue without warning in a calous fashion, better to keep your dignity.

He'd of known what a bastard he's being but still went ahead for himself, that is the kind of man you don't need in your life. So cut him out it, block move on, because you deserve better.”

This with bells on. He’s been a bastard. When you started seeing each other again, did he give a satisfactory explanation for what he did? Did he say he realised he’d made a mistake and beg you to take him back? I’m guessing that he didn’t but allowed you to think there may be something more to it because he knew you wouldn’t entertain him if he was honest that he was only using you.

You’re worth way more than this, OP. You will need to go no contact to get over him.

Original poster
Willdoitlateron · 09/10/2022 18:41

@Dery Nope, no explanation or apology when we started talking again! Our breakup hasn't been spoken about even once.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 09/10/2022 18:46

Willdoitlateron · 09/10/2022 18:41

@Dery Nope, no explanation or apology when we started talking again! Our breakup hasn't been spoken about even once.

You've thrown yourself in his path and indicated that he could treat you disrespectfully, and you'd still have sex with him.

Now you expect respect, and are surprised when you don't get it.

There's a lesson here for you. Not an enjoyable one to learn, though, you must be hurting. Let him go, and tell him that since he's having thoughts about seeing other people, you're not interested in him. End it there. No discussion, no drama.

Goodoldvera · 09/10/2022 18:50

You are friends with benefits, some people are happy with that if course. He's keeping his options open, and is attempting to make it clear that you are not 'exclusive' if you are emotionally involved nip it in the bud asap

pictish · 09/10/2022 18:52

Willdoitlateron · 09/10/2022 18:41

@Dery Nope, no explanation or apology when we started talking again! Our breakup hasn't been spoken about even once.

Why not? Were you afraid you’d scare him away or hear something you’d rather not?

TheWolves · 09/10/2022 18:54

Unless he's trying to put the ball in your court for you to put the relationship back together? Is he normally the type to be backwards in coming forward?

Original poster
Willdoitlateron · 09/10/2022 18:54

@Watchkeys

Now you expect respect, and are surprised when you don't get it.

What you said there is pretty much spot on and I've never thought of it like that.

@pictish Yes I guess I was scared of him disappearing if I brought it up. When we were together we could never discuss issues, he'd just go silent on me for days at a time and then just pop back up like nothing had ever happened.

OP posts:
Mermaidwaves · 09/10/2022 18:54

He downgraded you to FWB but didn't have the respect or courtesy to tell you that, but let you think you were back together as before, what a shit OP!

I suspect someone has caught his eye so this is a warning and he of course will then tell you, oh we were only casual/FWB, therefore he can walk away guilt free.

I really hate modern dating for this bullcrap.

Cas112 · 09/10/2022 18:55

Yes, clearly wants sex and that's it

OctopusBreath · 09/10/2022 18:58

You broke up though. Unless you had a conversation about being in a relationship again, I don't really think you can blame him- You took it that you were back together without him ever saying it.
I know it feels shit OP. I've slept with exes before when I wanted to be with them properly and they just wanted a shag. But it doesn't sound like he misled you (although he has not been at all careful not to hurt you, which makes him a bit of a bellend.)

Pineappleskies · 09/10/2022 19:22

He's been selfish and manipulative here.

You do need to think how you communicate...your response to him was quite mild compared to what you posted on here.

I'm not saying give him an earful, but you deserve to be with people to whom you can express what you want and what you expect.

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