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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Have I been used?

65 replies

Willdoitlateron · 09/10/2022 17:26

My boyfriend of 3 years broke up with me earlier this year, didn't get any warning it was coming. I was devastated and it took months to even start feeling slightly normal again. 4 months later I get a text from him and we end up meeting up. For the last 4 months we've been texting most days, meeting up and sleeping together. He text me earlier today to ask what I was up to tonight, I said nothing and invited him over. He replied and said yes he would but he needed to say something first. Cue a text from him saying that it's fine what's been happening the past few months but what if one of us starts dating someone else, and we can't carry on doing this forever.

Wtf? Has he literally been using me all this time?

OP posts:
Original poster
Willdoitlateron · 09/10/2022 19:35

@Pineappleskies If I told him how upset I was he would say something along the lines of sorry to hear that and then I wouldn't hear from him again!

OP posts:
Pineappleskies · 09/10/2022 19:40

Yeah I wouldn't waste breath on him, but if you didn't feel able to clarify whether you were back together and intending to make a go of it, then that would be a sign.

noirchatsdeux · 09/10/2022 19:44

Been there. Split with a guy after 6 months together (he initiated the split), less than 24 hours later he was back with 'think I made a mistake', we texted for 2 weeks, finally meet up again...and ending up sleeping together.

He let me think we were back together, I stupidly told all my/our friends that we were. We had an argument, he then announced that he was thought we were just 'friends with benefits'....I was stupidly still in love with the idiot and convinced myself that I was ok with it...I think I thought he'd realise he was still in love with me and we'd go back to a full on relationship. The whole thing dragged on for another 2 and a half years before I finally woke up and realised he was using me, purely for sex...that realisation was forced on me, when after a brief period where we weren't talking to each other, he gleefully told me the next time we met that he'd shagged a friend of his... I didn't even have the excuse of youth, I was in my late 30s at the time.

Don't accept being demoted. He is most definitely using you for sex.

Original poster
Willdoitlateron · 09/10/2022 19:52

@noirchatsdeux Ouch, that must have been awful. I guess I did think the more time we spent together the more he was likely to want to try again. Maybe I've been naive, but to hear that he might be starting to think about seeing other people has made me feel quite sick!

OP posts:
Aretheyhavingalaugh · 09/10/2022 19:57

This seems like the perfect time to say that you thought perhaps you both were getting back on track and clearly he didn't see things the same way so may as well cut your losses now before it gets to the point of one of you meeting someone else.

minticecreamisjustok · 09/10/2022 19:58

@Jinglejangle22 Something along the lines of I wasn't thinking about dating anyone else, to which he replied 'oh ok fair enough'. I've not replied to that one.

You've given him the opportunity to say the same back and he's flaked out. If he was thinking the same he would of jumped at the chance to put your mind at rest.
Time to bin him before you get more hurt.

pictish · 09/10/2022 21:57

OP you must try to see how unsuitable a relationship in which you are afraid to raise pertinent and important issues is. That you would accept him back, no questions asked, is an indication of how skewed this relationship has become.
You should expect, and get, so much more that that.

Original poster
Willdoitlateron · 09/10/2022 23:50

@pictish Yes I've had people close to me say how on earth did I even allow him to get close again after what he did, and I don't have an answer.

OP posts:
pictish · 10/10/2022 06:54

Don’t accept a shadow of a relationship without question. He dumped you…you were gutted. He strolls back in and you let him, too scared to bring it up in case he doesn’t like it?
Woman…where’s your self esteem? And I do mean that with kindness.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 10/10/2022 07:15

Willdoitlateron · 09/10/2022 19:35

@Pineappleskies If I told him how upset I was he would say something along the lines of sorry to hear that and then I wouldn't hear from him again!

You can't possibly have a relationship with someone who you can't speak to without risking them disappearing

ShandaLear · 10/10/2022 07:29

Block him and move on. You’re a convenience to him, but you’re not going to ride off into the sunset together.

Original poster
Willdoitlateron · 10/10/2022 07:33

I was trying to compose myself and work out what to reply when I heard a knock at the door and there he was, acting like nothing had been said. I've had about 3 hours sleep and feel horrendous this morning.

OP posts:
CousinKrispy · 10/10/2022 07:37

Oh OP, I'm so sorry he's treating you this way, it's very cruel.

You deserve to be in a relationship in which you can communicate openly about difficult things and disagreements. It's no good being with someone you are afraid to bring things up with.

Begoniasforever · 10/10/2022 08:54

Op did you talk to him about it and your feelings? You didn’t just pretend it was ok and have sex with him?

Beautiful3 · 10/10/2022 09:21

Yes he has clearly told you that he's using you for sex, until he meets a new girlfriend. I'd tell him that I didn't realise I was being used, and block him.

Andypandy799 · 10/10/2022 10:10

Willdoitlateron · 10/10/2022 07:33

I was trying to compose myself and work out what to reply when I heard a knock at the door and there he was, acting like nothing had been said. I've had about 3 hours sleep and feel horrendous this morning.

So did he pop round for another booty call? Where you up all night talking or shagging? Sorry if too personal.

Sounds like he’s using you as a fuck buddy

Original poster
Willdoitlateron · 10/10/2022 11:37

No we didn't sleep together, we watched a film and then he went home!

OP posts:
Andypandy799 · 10/10/2022 11:40

@Willdoitlateron did you talk about his question then I’m more detail?

Would you be happy as a side piece in a polyamorous relationship

Jinglejangle22 · 10/10/2022 12:03

@Willdoitlateron if you keep burying your head and keep seeing him you are giving him the green light to keep using you as a back up whilst knowing he is keeping his options open elsewhere. From this point onwards I don’t think you can be annoyed with him now when you find out he’s messaging/seeing/sleeping with someone else.

Andypandy799 · 10/10/2022 12:04

Jinglejangle22 · 10/10/2022 12:03

@Willdoitlateron if you keep burying your head and keep seeing him you are giving him the green light to keep using you as a back up whilst knowing he is keeping his options open elsewhere. From this point onwards I don’t think you can be annoyed with him now when you find out he’s messaging/seeing/sleeping with someone else.

Ditto

Original poster
Willdoitlateron · 10/10/2022 14:21

@Andypandy799 To be honest no, we didn't talk any more about what he had said.

He's asked to come over again tonight and I've spent the last hour crying. What is wrong with me!

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 10/10/2022 14:27

What is wrong with me

You have low self esteem because, somewhere in your history, you've learned that your feelings don't matter, and however much someone hurts you, you should stick around for their approval.

When did it start? Usually childhood. Did your parents listen to your feelings and respect them? Did they listen to each other's feelings and respect those, too?

Andypandy799 · 10/10/2022 14:36

@Willdoitlateron absolutely nothing wrong with you at all. It is natural to develop love and feelings for someone you care for, however it is not always reciprocated in the same way.

Obviously I don’t know you personally but for whatever reason he does not feel the same as you so doesn’t deserve your feelings.

It it very normal to get attached to someone who you are intimate with but women are different to men.

As a man myself I am hyper sexual so think with my little brain too often and that’s the truth but it doesn’t make me unfaithful.

He wants his cake and to eat it as other pp have said. I would tell him your not looking for an open relationship and unless he commits to being exclusive it’s not for you. That may seem so hard but it’s not your choice it’s his and you need to remember it’s your body your choice.

This is a personal question but important based on his attitude, do you make him wear condoms? Also I don’t mean to sound rude but would you mind sharing how old you both are?

FlowerArranger · 10/10/2022 14:44

Willdoitlateron · 10/10/2022 14:21

@Andypandy799 To be honest no, we didn't talk any more about what he had said.

He's asked to come over again tonight and I've spent the last hour crying. What is wrong with me!

Surely you must see that you would feel much better if you stopped seeing him? Why continue to torture yourself...

Do yourself a favor and read:
WOMEN WHO LOVE TOO MUCH and
THE SIX PILLARS OF SELF ESTEEM

chelev9 · 10/10/2022 14:57

Willdoitlateron · 09/10/2022 17:26

My boyfriend of 3 years broke up with me earlier this year, didn't get any warning it was coming. I was devastated and it took months to even start feeling slightly normal again. 4 months later I get a text from him and we end up meeting up. For the last 4 months we've been texting most days, meeting up and sleeping together. He text me earlier today to ask what I was up to tonight, I said nothing and invited him over. He replied and said yes he would but he needed to say something first. Cue a text from him saying that it's fine what's been happening the past few months but what if one of us starts dating someone else, and we can't carry on doing this forever.

Wtf? Has he literally been using me all this time?

Honestly I'd ask him tonight to his face what his intentions are. If he's planning or interested in meeting other person. You need to know where you stand. Or it will make you ill!!!