I need to stop drinking for good, help

[Hungoverandashamed]

I'm in my 40's. If I'm honest alcohol has always caused me problems to some degree. I have managed to surround myself with people who are worse so it's not so noticeable.

I am appalled with myself.

Last night I drank to excess and can't remember the end of the night. It was sort of fun but also not fun. We were out for dinner in a foursome, everyone was very very drunk. The other woman was being really argumentative and annoying. She was being bossy, I asked her to stop as did her husband then she burst into tears and threw a full tottler tantrum.

Nights out often go like this with them and our other mutual friends. I don't know if we are really friends or if we are just co-dependent addicts. Years ago we all took lots and lots of drugs. I stopped, the rest of them didn't. I really hate how I lapse back into periods when I have no control with my drinking.

When we woke up this morning my DH shrugged me away then turned to me and said "you are disgusting when you drink." He asked me if I remembered what I said to him and how I behaved when I got home. I don't but I have flashes of being in bed and fighting with him.

I digested it for a while then for the first time ever I decided that I am finished with alcohol. I apologized and told him this and asked him for his support. He said if that's what I want.

Does anyone have any motivating stories for me? I never ever want to be here again.

My advice would be talk to a medical professional prior to stopping!

I don't expect any physical withdrawals, I don't drink all the time or need to drink at home. It's just that I binge and lose control when I get started.

Sorry you had a rough night. This could be a turning point to a better life. Feeling bad is a temporary motivation, there needs to be a bigger lifestyle change and commitment. It's very likely that your friendships will change. You may need to cut ties or minimise time with some people. You will need to develop new habits and new coping mechanisms.
This may seem so much but you only need to focus on one day at a time. Get as much support as you can. Your partner is great he is on board but that's not enough, you need more. So go to groups online or in person and join some communities, listen to podcasts, reach out on forums, make new sober connections (a hobby that is done sober for example) and develop new coping mechanisms so you can relax, have fun and deal with stress in a healthy way. Some people meditate, knit, run, sing, dance, cook, bake.... find something that calms your mind. Try different things.
You will have to be honest and patient with yourself. Temptations will come and that's when you have to remember your 'why'. You may find that you need to face some old traumas and issues that you numbed with alcohol. Therapy and journaling help many people.

Try AA, Smart recovery, Reddit has a great extremely supportive sub called r/stopdrinking. There is the Naked Mind Experiment and many books and resources. I liked the joys of being sober book.

Give your husband time, when he sees you mean it and really working on staying sober that will be the best apology. Be patient with yourself and remember your why when the temptations come a knocking... which they will, bastarding thing they are. Good luck!

Realising that alcohol does bad things to you is the all important first step. I would recommend SMART recovery because it operates from a CBT perspective rather than a faith one, it aims to look at why you drink and why your drinking gets you out of control.

You're motivated to change and you have already given up using drugs, so you have a good chance of making it. When your DH sees you really putting the work in, he will see that you mean it. That commitment will mean more than a hundred apologies.

I have been sober for a few years after numerous night out like you are describing. I found quit lit books like quit like a women really helped me alongside podcasts.

goid luck

There is a great article on managing alcohol in todays Sunday Times by Adrian Chiles if anyone has a share token(it's behind the paywall)

I used to drink way too much in my teens, 20’s and early 30’s (apart from pregnancy and first couple of years). There was many a time I thought I should stop, I often didn’t remember after a certain point in the evening, then I’d spent half the next day vomiting, then back on it again. I didn’t drink in the week most of the time. But I wanted to, I just stopped myself so I could pretend I didn’t have a problem. In the end what stopped me drinking was I developed a very painful serious health condition, not caused by drink, but alcohol would have made it worse, plus I was on some hefty pain meds and couldn’t drink on them. I haven’t drank (apart from an odd toast at a wedding or Christmas) for over a decade and I really do feel ashamed when I look back. I wasn’t a good drunk either. Honestly my life is so much better for not drinking, it’s hard to believe it can be but it really can. Good luck OP

I had a similar experience when I went out drinking on Friday. I am so ashamed of myself and how I acted. I'm mid 40s but was acting like a teenager. My excuse is that I rarely go out but this time I'm determined to use it as a turning point.

Hi

I used to be the same after drinking. It would turn me into a different person and I would often find myself unable to remember what I had said or done the next day. I didn’t drink often, but when I did, it usually ended up in a bad experience and I would always be riddled with anxiety and guilt the next day.

I decided to give it up completely around 3 years ago. And I haven’t touched a drop since then. I am in the middle of going through a very heartbreaking separation, have had major stresses over the past year, and I still haven’t been tempted to touch the stuff!

I am 38, my friends regularly drink to socialise, but I can honestly say I do not miss it on any kind of level. My mental and physical health is better than it was when I was drinking. I am about a stone lighter and the tipsy people are now so annoying to me! Just as a non smoker doesn’t think of a cigarette, I no longer think of a drink - because it isn’t in my life. It really isn’t difficult when you get used to it. Good luck! It will be the best thing you do xx

I did a year for charity, decided to after a particularly drunken evening, which i didn'twant to go to. Felt ill for a week, however found it difficilt to go against what i was encouragedto do. ( the chatity part also helped with tbe willpower!)
drank alcohol free beers at first, just don't like the taste now
I really enjoyed reading 'the unexpected joy of being sober'
Have been where yiu str so many times. It's possible to turn this around. please don't beat yourself up zz

I love reading these posts, they have made me feel really positive and optimistic. I'm going to get the books recommended.

I am not worried about missing alcohol in day to day life and I think I will dodge alcohol events for some time until it's more ingrained.

We are going on holiday next week in a resort with loads of fitness activities and I feel so excited about how good I'll feel on my return after 10 days of exercise, sun and healthy food. We generally have healthy lifestyles and I think I'm going to love being teetotal.

On Saturday I was on top of the world, I was talking about how fit and strong I feel again (I have had a long recovery from cancer) and happy. Then today I sat in my pyjamas too exhausted to walk into the garden. Just a pathetic way you mistreat myself.

Wish me luck!

I could of written this so many times. These days I have two settings, either tee total or on a 2 day bender. What I’ve found is I can now go weeks without touching a drop, then get lead astray. Problem is, I have a whale of a time when I do drink. A little different, as I’m not an abusive drunk, will literally laugh and be life and soul. The thing for me now is that I have such drinkers remorse and shame, plus I feel so terrible after drinking, both physically and mentally, my dry spells are getting longer and longer.

one thing I started to do is realise what I can’t drink, so bubbles is a big no no! Plus if I eat first I’m then too full to drink, so when I feel that urge, head for the food. Apparently we need some kind of ‘fix’ although not great, chocolate can give you that kick sometimes.

it’s a journey, one that you’ll prob have wobbles on, so just be kind to yourself, if you fall off the wagon, dust yourself down and get back on track. It’s unlikely you’ll go from this to nothing ever again for the rest of your life, so just aim to go longer and longer each time, eventually you’ll get there.

good luck op, it’s a tough ride trying to battle those demons, but you’ll get there x

Drinking is a state of mind

Alcohol is a depressant and if you wake up the next morning feeling bad then just stop (easier said than done)

God knows I have drank enough for several lifetimes and had those mornings where I thought what did I do.

Still in my late 50s I have had so many good nights over the years sharing beer or wine with friends it's probably been worth it. I don't drink spirits which might make things easier

Like many others, can relate to what you're describing. The Annie Grace book 'naked mind' was amazing. You read along side drinking (if you want), found this book the best. I've been 3 years without alcohol and haven't missed it. Good luck

Hi,

Coming into update -

I'm on holidays, I've remained (and plan to continue longterm) AF since I posted. It's been brilliant. I wake up clearheaded and brighteyed in the morning and head out with blankets in the morning to watch the sunrise with my little girl.

I've realised a few things. I love the buzz of first glass or two of wine. But then sobering up feels crap so all the following glasses are an attempt to regain that equilibrium except it's not as pleasant because the buzz comes with drunkenness as apposed to a sober with a nice fuzzy edge. I don't know if I've explained that right. But it's only the beginning that's good really for me with drinking.

So I'm either drinking to excess or I'm spending the evening on constant self surveillance fighting against going overboard.

And really it's so freeing to not bother with any of it.

It's pretty much very very easy. The only parts I find a tiny bit tricky are when I sit down with my partner in the restaurant and we are choosing our food. It's force of habit wanting a glass of wine while we are waiting.

Anyway I keep reminding myself that all these touchpoints passed with smoking and they will with alcohol too. It's a matter of getting used to my new identify as a non drinker.

I just want to wish you luck. Even after three drinks I say silly stuff, I share too much, I say something a bit bitchy. I always regret it. It's like there's this SHITTY person inside me and I calmly keep her sweet when I'm sober but when I've 500mls of wine on board, it seems like she takes control and then the next day, the 'me' that wants to be a decent, calm, considerate, warm but private person ends up cringing for 96 hours, or more.
I hope the support you need is out there.

xx

So glad to read your update OP. You're doing amazing

ps I hope your husband is being supportive to you.

People speak highly of the Club Soda website

He is actually! A pp said upthread to not keep apologising just show him I mean business. The stuff I said to him was really nasty. He repeated it to me just once a couple of days later. He said "do you remember saying X, y, z" I said no but I'm sorry, I didn't mean it and I'm changing my drinking habits to stop it happening again. Then he didn't mention it again.

The first night we were here he looked really surprised when I said only water, I think he thought I'd go for moderation or sangria but really I think I need to be a non drinker full stop.

He told me yesterday he is really impressed. He doesn't normally gush so it was nice.

Well done op, l stopped drinking with the very occasional exception 20 years ago not because l couldn't stop but because it made me really ill.

two glasses of wine would give me a migraine for 24 hours and an upset stomach, plus total exhaustion for two days.....

People do try and encourage a few drinks but l just explain it ruins my evening and the whole day after.

For special occasions l can get away with a half glass of champagne or a small spirit and be ok.

I look at wine as a poison as for me it literally is.....this really helps, but it is amazing to feel good after a night out rather than hungover!

Hi Op,
there are a lots of great books & podcasts that can help with your mindset
Books -
This Naked Mind - Annie Grace
Alcohol Explained - William Porter
The unexpected joy of being sober - Catherine Grey

Podcasts:

Sober Awkward
Soberful
The Reset
one for the road.

i also recommend getting a sober app to count your days at the beginning, it really helped me to reach their milestones and the thought of resetting it sometimes helped me not have a drink (I had plenty of resets though - just start again)

best of luck

What a brilliant update to read! This time last year I was pretty much in your shoes - my DH was in tears with my drinking and told me “I dread going out with you with my friends , and I’m dreading Christmas”. It took me a few false starts, but I’ve now been sober for 7 months.

Congratulations on staying alcohol free, particularly on holiday!

This thread has been a huge support to me, if you want to check it out

Freedom thread

Well done OP. I was the same many years ago. I never drank everyday but on a weekend I would have a drink and then another, another. I would wake up with the most awful hangover and have to let my DH sort out the kids. I decided to stop drinking and haven't looked back. Lost weight, skin improved and most importantly I am up early with my DC's. I occasionally have a G&T but never feel like I need more. Enjoy your Holiday.