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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Why did my friend ditch me when I got pregnant?

57 replies

DollyDimples80 · 08/10/2022 19:39

I hope I'm posting in the right place. I need some insight into what's going on with a mum friend. Basically our sons (5) are best friends. We've always gotten on really well, had loads to chat about and a bit of banter and generally an easy relationship. She's a bit of a social butterfly and gossipy but I just accepted that as who she is. We've shared intimate feelings on both sides regarding our marriages and personal experiences.
It's been more me that instigates our meet-ups with the kids, I have them over to mine more but then she would do favours like run my son to school (she offered) when I was working.
All was well until I started ivf. The first try a couple of years ago ended with a chemical pregnancy. She made me a necklace to say sorry for your loss. I didn't actually talk to her about it much at all, just told her it hasn't worked. A year later we tried again. She was asking all the time what stage I was at, how it was going, being really supportive. When test day came she asked if I'd tested, I said yes it was positive. She then went really weird and implied I shouldn't have told her. She didn't seem that happy for me.
A few weeks later I started heavy bleeding, my husband was abroad with work. I had no one to call. I text and asked if she could take my son to school. I was bent double in pain. She raced over, took him to school and said she'd be back. An hour later she came back with another mum friend, who stayed with me, and she promptly left without saying goodbye.
By some miracle my baby was still ok. The next day she knew I was having a scan to see if baby was there and she squeezed my arm and said good luck when I saw her at school. I text to say it was ok. She was really happy, said she'd been praying for me etc.
since that day, about 5 months ago, she's not asked me once how I am, how the pregnancy is going, nothing. She's literally ran the opposite direction at drop off, done the same to my husband. I've tried to ask to meet you but there's always an excuse to say no.
I text to see if everything was ok and she just said she was struggling and tired etc, but seems to have plenty of energy with other mums.
I'm 5 months pregnant, very very lonely and sad. I've lost someone I thought was a friend. I'm turning it over and over, what did I do wrong? I'm isolated in terms of no family support, just my hubby. I have maybe one friend I can talk to. I have to see her every day, twice a day. I'm trying to be normal but I'm so hurt and confused.
She has two kids already, doesn't want more.
Any insights? Other than to get over it?

OP posts:
EndlessMagpies · 08/10/2022 19:42

Is she having her own infertility struggles or a miscarriage and hasn't told you? She might not be able to talk about it.

Arwen7 · 08/10/2022 19:42

Could she be struggling with infertility herself? Sorry you are feeling like this and hope you can find other friends to share your pregnancy with x

Hindsightin · 08/10/2022 19:42

Maybe you wanted a closer friendship than she did?

don’t panic. She’s not the only good friend out there - other good friends you can make!

drpet49 · 08/10/2022 19:44

Because she is a twat and not a friend at all. You don’t need someone like her around you OP.

SpinningFloppa · 08/10/2022 19:44

Sounds like you were maybe overly relying on her? Do you have no other friends at all?

for the posters who haven’t read it properly she doesn’t want more kids and has 2 herself

DollyDimples80 · 08/10/2022 19:48

@SpinningFloppa yes maybe. I do chat to other mums too but find it hard to break into the 'inner circle' 🤣 also, it's a tiny village school and she's friends with the other mums I try to meet up with and they always invite her too.

OP posts:
EndlessMagpies · 08/10/2022 20:01

SpinningFloppa · 08/10/2022 19:44

Sounds like you were maybe overly relying on her? Do you have no other friends at all?

for the posters who haven’t read it properly she doesn’t want more kids and has 2 herself

She might only be saing that she doesn't want more though. She may have gone through a lot of fertility issues or had miscarriages before having the dc that she's got. Maybe she does want more and her dp/dh doesn't. Something has clearly set her off though, so we were trying to come up with possible insights, which is what the OP asked for.

FanTaill · 08/10/2022 20:04

I text to see if everything was ok and she just said she was struggling
This is a fair response. Are you there for her when she’s struggling? Or was she looking after you more than you were looking after her?

She has two kids already, doesn't want more.
Take this with a pinch of salt, she could have wanted more.

Cuppasoupmonster · 08/10/2022 20:08

drpet49 · 08/10/2022 19:44

Because she is a twat and not a friend at all. You don’t need someone like her around you OP.

Wtf? I know this is MN but really? She made OP a necklace, took her son to school, didn’t say anything offensive, she just seems to have drifted. How would you feel about your comment if she’s having a health scare? Or being beaten up by her husband?

Cuppasoupmonster · 08/10/2022 20:09

FanTaill · 08/10/2022 20:04

I text to see if everything was ok and she just said she was struggling
This is a fair response. Are you there for her when she’s struggling? Or was she looking after you more than you were looking after her?

She has two kids already, doesn't want more.
Take this with a pinch of salt, she could have wanted more.

And this. Did you thank her for the necklace, for doing the school run, asked what’s getting her down? Maybe she feels a bit under appreciated and like you’re not equally there for her?

DollyDimples80 · 08/10/2022 20:10

@FanTaill so when she said she was struggling I offered to have her kids for the day to give her some time to which she replied 'I couldn't possibly let you do that'. I then offered to help in a different way (some stuff at school) which she accepted. In none of these exchanges did she once ask about me. I hinted I was struggling too but she ignored it.
I don't think she's struggling that much, she just looked after a friends chickens for a week.

OP posts:
DollyDimples80 · 08/10/2022 20:12

@Cuppasoupmonster yes I did thank her. I've listened to her problems loads. Like I said in post, all was ok and happy until I got pregnant and had the scare.

OP posts:
Cuppasoupmonster · 08/10/2022 20:14

Ok, in that case just leave her be and see what happens. It sounds like she’s got something going on that she’s reluctant to share. Just concentrate on you for now

Gribbit987 · 08/10/2022 20:14

Is there a reason why you haven’t texted her and said:

“It’s been ages since we last met up. Can we get together sometime soon as I really miss you! Hope all is well with you and the family xxx”

Just reach out with a friendly non accusatory text and break the silence. You’ll know more dependent on her response.

DollyDimples80 · 08/10/2022 20:15

@EndlessMagpies yes I think something has set her off. I honestly don't think she's had miscarriage or is even trying for more though. She's commented before that she's well and truly done and wouldn't want kids now she's older (I'm an older mum).

OP posts:
Hindsightin · 08/10/2022 20:17

Well it sounds like she told you she was struggling and you wanted to talk about how you were struggling 🤷‍♀️

and you’ve minuses the idea that she might be struggling

she might be taking a step back becaue she’s got her own stuff going on and can’t also take your stuff on too

theres not necessarily someone being rig it and someone being wrong here

its not working for her for whatever reason - time to look for some other friends and maybe be more aware of not being reciprocal in support if that was the issue

DollyDimples80 · 08/10/2022 20:18

@Gribbit987 I have text stuff like that. ☹️ I'm trying to give her space and not be too much but when she started actively avoiding me I just stopped. I'll be honest I was very hurt as she started avoiding me when I was very vulnerable. I was on bed rest for ages (I bled for about 7 weeks nonstop) and asked if she fancied a cuppa but she just ignored it.

OP posts:
DollyDimples80 · 08/10/2022 20:21

@Hindsightin I was on bed rest and bleeding for 7 weeks so I wasn't just making it all about me I was very ill and nearly lost my baby.

OP posts:
Merlott · 08/10/2022 20:21

I've noticed some women get really into a specific friend and get really overly involved in their life, then get bored/overwhelmed and drop them suddenly. Rinse and repeat with someone else for a while...

It may just all have been a bit much for her and instead of saying anything she has ghosted you.

She may come back in time if you back off emotionally, keep it much more surface level to give her a sense of security that you won't get too intense again. And stay surface, don't initiate any serious convos or bring up any news on your side.

Darbs76 · 08/10/2022 20:23

It doesn’t sound like you’ve done anything wrong, I guess you might never know the reason why she dropped you like she did. Not nice and it is hurtful especially during a really vulnerable time for you.

DollyDimples80 · 08/10/2022 20:24

@Merlott I think you're right. I'm not sure it's a real friendship if it's like that though. Like others have said, maybe I read too much into it.

OP posts:
Hindsightin · 08/10/2022 20:27

I think then she just didn’t want to provide the level of support that you wanted

i understand why that would upset you if you then felt alone - but it’s not her obligation to provide that level of support

it is what it is

you’ve made it through the tough time which is good and now you can try to restablish the friendship on a lighter tone if you want

or just move on

DollyDimples80 · 08/10/2022 20:27

@Darbs76 thank you, yes it's been really unfortunate.

OP posts:
DollyDimples80 · 08/10/2022 20:30

@Hindsightin yes you are right I think. It was weird she was super supportive (going out of her way to ask how I was and being excited for me) then just dropped me once things got complicated.
I guess I'm just trying to learn from it as it's really really upset me. Pregnancy hormones don't help.

OP posts:
Hindsightin · 08/10/2022 20:39

I’m possibly projecting as I’ve just been through something similar but I’m the pulling away friend

my friend went through a challenge Ivf journey then there was all sorts of drama during her pregnancy (not health related - because of non essential building work they ridiculously decided they’d do during the pregnancy that unsurprisingly went tits up) and then after the birth it was all further drama - by this stage I rally couldn’t tell what was genuine drama and what wasn’t. I provided so much emotional and practical support to her.

and honestly I just can’t be bothered anymore. I went through my own stuff at the time and I honestly don’t think she could even tell you what it was (loss of self employed work and had to find a job, almost lost my flat).

she would say exactly the same as you. She can’t understand. She was and is vulnerable. I seemed to be carrying on. I did tell her lots of times about my own issues - but she’s just being it back to her.

this may or may not be your scenario.

but just try and be really honest with yourself when you think about ott

i think there is some entitlement in what your writing - you were very ill so she should have helped you. But I might be projecting that.