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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Why did my friend ditch me when I got pregnant?

57 replies

DollyDimples80 · 08/10/2022 19:39

I hope I'm posting in the right place. I need some insight into what's going on with a mum friend. Basically our sons (5) are best friends. We've always gotten on really well, had loads to chat about and a bit of banter and generally an easy relationship. She's a bit of a social butterfly and gossipy but I just accepted that as who she is. We've shared intimate feelings on both sides regarding our marriages and personal experiences.
It's been more me that instigates our meet-ups with the kids, I have them over to mine more but then she would do favours like run my son to school (she offered) when I was working.
All was well until I started ivf. The first try a couple of years ago ended with a chemical pregnancy. She made me a necklace to say sorry for your loss. I didn't actually talk to her about it much at all, just told her it hasn't worked. A year later we tried again. She was asking all the time what stage I was at, how it was going, being really supportive. When test day came she asked if I'd tested, I said yes it was positive. She then went really weird and implied I shouldn't have told her. She didn't seem that happy for me.
A few weeks later I started heavy bleeding, my husband was abroad with work. I had no one to call. I text and asked if she could take my son to school. I was bent double in pain. She raced over, took him to school and said she'd be back. An hour later she came back with another mum friend, who stayed with me, and she promptly left without saying goodbye.
By some miracle my baby was still ok. The next day she knew I was having a scan to see if baby was there and she squeezed my arm and said good luck when I saw her at school. I text to say it was ok. She was really happy, said she'd been praying for me etc.
since that day, about 5 months ago, she's not asked me once how I am, how the pregnancy is going, nothing. She's literally ran the opposite direction at drop off, done the same to my husband. I've tried to ask to meet you but there's always an excuse to say no.
I text to see if everything was ok and she just said she was struggling and tired etc, but seems to have plenty of energy with other mums.
I'm 5 months pregnant, very very lonely and sad. I've lost someone I thought was a friend. I'm turning it over and over, what did I do wrong? I'm isolated in terms of no family support, just my hubby. I have maybe one friend I can talk to. I have to see her every day, twice a day. I'm trying to be normal but I'm so hurt and confused.
She has two kids already, doesn't want more.
Any insights? Other than to get over it?

OP posts:
DollyDimples80 · 09/10/2022 07:44

@M0rT thank you for such a kind message. It's compounded because a lot of my mum friends have pulled away from me I think for the same reason. I guess I have to get to a place where I am not so desperately needy. Losing my parents, having really bad financial problems and marital problems has taken its toll and then on top of that losing the friends I need so desperately has pushed me very close to the edge. I will try to approach this with compassion towards myself though. I think the compassionate focused therapy will help. Thanks again. ❤️

OP posts:
DailyEnergyCrisis · 09/10/2022 07:53

I think some women who had a tough start to motherhood for whatever reason can be triggered by pregnant friends and find it hard to be around them. I know it isn’t fair or rational but she might feel she can’t handle seeing you and when the baby arrives if it happens to be an easy/chilled out one this may push her away further.

Join an antenatal group or new mums hook up site online to find some new friends. You’ll be fine 🙂

DollyDimples80 · 09/10/2022 08:26

@DailyEnergyCrisis not much chance of it being an easy chilled one. I had a really traumatic birth with my first and planned c section with this one. I actually find it hard talking about preparations and birth etc. think I'm just beyond help as I have so many traumas on top of each other.

OP posts:
M0rT · 09/10/2022 10:31

Your not beyond help, it will just take time. Try to remember as well that all of this is is happening when hormonally you are at your most vulnerable.
I am so sorry for the loss of your parents, adults with living supportive parents think we are independent adults until the roles reverse or we lose them and we realise that all along we have been supported through the difficulties we have faced and it's a much lonelier road without that support.

EndlessMagpies · 09/10/2022 10:49

Some people are just fair-weather friends. Maybe it is as simple as that.

DollyDimples80 · 09/10/2022 12:11

Actually, thinking about it, I have always been the one to ask how she is and have noticed in our conversations at the park that she'd never say 'how are you' or 'how's that thing going'. The ivf was the only time she seemed really interested in me. It's one of the first things I noticed about her.

When a mutual mum friend got pregnant I remember her really slagging her off, saying that she was selfish to have another and actually this mum had bleeding too and she was saying she was stupid for having done exercise etc. I can remember being really surprised especially as she appears very chummy with her now.

I don't like friendships like that, where you don't know where you stand and there's bitching behind each other's backs. I'm really not into that so maybe I'm better off out.

OP posts:
DollyDimples80 · 09/10/2022 12:13

@M0rT thanks, yes I'm super emotional and this making it worse. I worry about the baby and that all this crying and stress will damage it somehow.

OP posts:
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