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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Why did my friend ditch me when I got pregnant?

57 replies

DollyDimples80 · 08/10/2022 19:39

I hope I'm posting in the right place. I need some insight into what's going on with a mum friend. Basically our sons (5) are best friends. We've always gotten on really well, had loads to chat about and a bit of banter and generally an easy relationship. She's a bit of a social butterfly and gossipy but I just accepted that as who she is. We've shared intimate feelings on both sides regarding our marriages and personal experiences.
It's been more me that instigates our meet-ups with the kids, I have them over to mine more but then she would do favours like run my son to school (she offered) when I was working.
All was well until I started ivf. The first try a couple of years ago ended with a chemical pregnancy. She made me a necklace to say sorry for your loss. I didn't actually talk to her about it much at all, just told her it hasn't worked. A year later we tried again. She was asking all the time what stage I was at, how it was going, being really supportive. When test day came she asked if I'd tested, I said yes it was positive. She then went really weird and implied I shouldn't have told her. She didn't seem that happy for me.
A few weeks later I started heavy bleeding, my husband was abroad with work. I had no one to call. I text and asked if she could take my son to school. I was bent double in pain. She raced over, took him to school and said she'd be back. An hour later she came back with another mum friend, who stayed with me, and she promptly left without saying goodbye.
By some miracle my baby was still ok. The next day she knew I was having a scan to see if baby was there and she squeezed my arm and said good luck when I saw her at school. I text to say it was ok. She was really happy, said she'd been praying for me etc.
since that day, about 5 months ago, she's not asked me once how I am, how the pregnancy is going, nothing. She's literally ran the opposite direction at drop off, done the same to my husband. I've tried to ask to meet you but there's always an excuse to say no.
I text to see if everything was ok and she just said she was struggling and tired etc, but seems to have plenty of energy with other mums.
I'm 5 months pregnant, very very lonely and sad. I've lost someone I thought was a friend. I'm turning it over and over, what did I do wrong? I'm isolated in terms of no family support, just my hubby. I have maybe one friend I can talk to. I have to see her every day, twice a day. I'm trying to be normal but I'm so hurt and confused.
She has two kids already, doesn't want more.
Any insights? Other than to get over it?

OP posts:
DollyDimples80 · 08/10/2022 20:51

@Hindsightin sorry to hear that, sounds like a tough time for you (and your friend). Thank you for sharing a helpful insight.

We humans are complicated things. As the drama friend in this scenario I can tell you it's horrible being that person. Trauma can damage a person and how they see and deal with the world. I generally feel wobbly and afraid most of the time.

Its hard for friends and relatives to know what to do with someone like that. So they pull away.

I don't think I ever got that deep with this friend in particular but I do tend to trust and share quite easily.

I lost both my parents very young, I've moved a lot and have no close friends so I guess people pick up on this vulnerability and it becomes a vicious circle of desperation and loneliness.

It's easy to be dismissive of each other but I think deep down we all just want to be heard and loved.

Too slushy for MN? 🥴

OP posts:
Hindsightin · 08/10/2022 20:57

I totally get how childhood trauma can unhelpfulLu play out in adult friendhips

have you come across the crappy childhood fairy? She’s got some good stuff on this

basically if our parents didn’t meet our needs we don’t learn to self soothe as it were. So when we’re older we unconsciously look for friends to do what our parents should have - but of course that’s not fair on friends.

if that resonates this coulD be a good opportunity to work through some of that stuff?

DollyDimples80 · 08/10/2022 20:58

@Hindsightin

Just to add - yes I will be honest with myself, and it's really helpful to hear thoughts from someone on the other side of this. I probably have told her stuff that she didn't have the inclination capacity to deal with and she could have had her own stuff going on. I know she's very unhappy with her husband. ☹️

OP posts:
Hindsightin · 08/10/2022 21:00

so maybe you were asking too much and she had less to give than she had previously

the thing is though to remember is that you did actually get through it 😁

DollyDimples80 · 08/10/2022 21:00

@Hindsightin I have a therapist and yes that's exactly what she said. I'm starting compassionate therapy to help me learn soothing techniques. I desperately look for someone to make me feel better and I know it must put far too much pressure on a friendship. I never got that deep with her but maybe she could sense it and tell I was that type. It's really hard because I am a funny nice person (even if I do say so myself) but I've ended up alone.

OP posts:
mollymole999 · 08/10/2022 21:02

Sad

Hindsightin · 08/10/2022 21:03

I don’t want to armchair therapist - but if you read that last stbende about ending up alone it does sound like it’s about your past ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

pete walker has a good book on complex ptsd which might also be helpful

Hindsightin · 08/10/2022 21:03

And I don’t doubt you are a funny nice person

Hindsightin · 08/10/2022 21:04

It’s not about you not being funny and nice at all - it sounds like it’s about healing some old wounds. Which is totally possible.

DollyDimples80 · 08/10/2022 21:05

@Hindsightin you should totally be a therapist. I'm bawling into my Lindt chocolate reindeer reading these. Thanks for taking the time to offer an insight to a stranger! 🥰

OP posts:
DollyDimples80 · 08/10/2022 21:07

@Hindsightin yes totally possible and think it is happening as therapy sessions are very regular now and I'm getting a lot of support from perinatal team. It's all coming out now. ❤️

OP posts:
DollyDimples80 · 08/10/2022 21:09

@Hindsightin have checked out the book. Thanks 👍

OP posts:
Hindsightin · 08/10/2022 21:10

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

this has all been learnt through very dramatic bitter experience

I spent many many years as the drama friend - before crashing over to the other side and being the befriended of drama friends

im very much hoping I’m now settling into the calmer and less dramatic middle 😁

Arucanafeather · 08/10/2022 21:13

I have complex PTSD from childhood stuff. I occasionally come across people who I really like but they want a deeper connection & merge lives more than is ever going to be comfortable for me. I have to back off to maintain my own equilibrium.

DollyDimples80 · 08/10/2022 21:13

@Hindsightin the middle - a great place to be! 👌🤣🥰

OP posts:
DollyDimples80 · 08/10/2022 21:17

@Arucanafeather sorry to hear that, it must be very difficult. I can understand why you might need to distance yourself.

I know my friend actually has OCD but I know and understand very little about this (Despite googling it). I think she struggles with it a lot but doesn't like to talk about it much.

I guess we can never really know what someone else is going through. Not truly. We have to get better at being open and accepting to others and better listeners!

OP posts:
justmaybenot · 08/10/2022 21:19

DollyDimples80 · 08/10/2022 21:13

@Hindsightin the middle - a great place to be! 👌🤣🥰

That's honest of you. It sounds like maybe you need to work on having more light-hearted and less dependent friendships. A once-off drama/help scenario is fine for most people but it can be draining on a friendship if one or other always seems to be going through a tough time (and articulating it, and expecting support). I think if you can rely on your DP for emotional support and them aside then try to be a bit more breezy and light-hearted with friends it would be better.

MichelleScarn · 08/10/2022 21:24

@DollyDimples80 do you think if when she said "I couldn't possibly ask you to do that" if you'd said "it's absolutely no trouble" she'd have accepted?

DollyDimples80 · 08/10/2022 21:26

@MichelleScarn I did, I said I'd be happy to help and it was no trouble and that I was recovered from the bleed but she said no.

OP posts:
DollyDimples80 · 08/10/2022 21:30

@justmaybenot yeah definitely. It's hard though. It's been a really tough year or so with little support. DH went through a rough patch so I didn't have him for a while.

OP posts:
Hindsightin · 08/10/2022 21:33

The amazing thing I’ve found is that now that I’m less needy I’ve actually found an amazing friend who is incredibly supportive

so I’ve found that it’s kind of like you need to learn how not to desperately need support so that you then get the support you might desperately need!

Ithoughtthiswastherehearsal · 08/10/2022 22:56

I used to have a ‘friend’ who tries to be very loving and helpful with her friends, but the truth is she just can’t stand intense emotional situations, and when her friends eventually encounter marital problems / infertility / cancer / SEN kids etc she tries to help and them panicks and ditches them. I saw her do it to so many people and then eventually it was my turn too 🙄

Something has triggered your friend, you may never know what, let the friendship become distant and my guess is that she’ll come more into your life again after the baby is born and there’s less of what she perceives as stress.

bmachine · 08/10/2022 23:13

Sounds to me as though she's either experiencing her own fertility struggles and needs to protect herself emotionally.. or she has a lot of other things going on and doesn't have emotional bandwidth to deal with more. I also reached this stage with a very one sided relstionship where I was never asked how I was/what was going on with me..I was just a crutch to lean on when stuff went wrong/favours needed to be called in. Might be none of those of course.

barelyfunctional · 08/10/2022 23:33

I tell people that I don’t want any more children but the reality is that I would have loved a bigger family, but my children both have undiagnosed additional needs which make daily life very difficult and having another child would be too much for us.

Could be that she says she doesn’t want more but the reality is that it’s easier to say that than say she can’t have more, and seeing you pregnant could be difficult for her.

M0rT · 08/10/2022 23:54

I'm so sorry you have been going through all this it must be so hard. I'm glad to hear you are having counselling and working out some stuff.
Try not to blame yourself for being "needy" in a friendship were you had one traumatic event. It's not like you were ringing her to discuss your volatile relationship endlessly.
I don't think it was kind of her to drop a regular friendship like that but if she has relationship and heath struggles of her own she doesn't like discussing she may not be able to talk about difficult or deep topics at all.
She probably was delighted for you to get the positive but then when it was at risk and strong scary emotions came into it she couldn't deal.
A lot of people who have bad things happen to them are able to tell at least one story of someone dropping them or crossing the road to avoid them after.
It's just been much harder on you as she was your one friend in the area so her loss is more keenly felt. Especially when you still have to see her regularly. Time and your work in therapy will heal this hurt.
To be honest if she seeks to restart the friendship I would keep it shallow.
And when she next asks to meet up invite one of the other mums with you.