**trigger warning - sexual abuse** feel guilty for ignoring an old friend, thoigh remembering what he did

[lilila]

I have been friends with a man for 30 years - since I was 14. He asked me if I would have a 'one off' with him, and I did as to 'not hurt his feelings' (I know!) this resulted in me giving sexual favors on a regular basis, i remrmber beung on all fours once, and felt so uncomfortable as he was making weird noisrs as looking at me from behind. I asked a few weeks/months to stop it. He then told me I couldn't go to his house anymore. At that age, I was also doing similar with others, and beat myself up for years after.

Anyway, we somehow became long lasting friends.. saw each other most weeks, purely platonic.
We had a fall out about something silly a year or so ago..he didn't think I had been in touch though a time period, however neither did he. He can ne a little hot headed and sent a couple of off hand text messages (though would then send 'normal' ones when he calmed down.
I decided to block, and he called me from a witheld number recently to make amends. I was surprised to hear from him, and am a complete people pleaser. I didn't contacr him after that, I recieved another off hand message from him, followed by a phone call a few days later.
He still wants to make amends, I said thar I needed a day to think, and I would contact him. However, I keep putting ot off and has been a while now. half expecting an off hand message, though nothing so far.
Is it bad of me not to contact him? I guess a big change in my mindset was when my DD reached 14 years. Realising she is still a child, which is what I was when I slept with this man.
Thank you for reaching the end of this, sorry ot was a bit of a ramble!

Jesus OP.

You clearly have no idea how shocking your post is.

Stay away from this paedophile and report him to the police.

Sending love x

You were groomed and abused by a paedophile. I’m really sorry for what you’ve endured. He’s not your friend, he’s a child rapist

I know..I sound so naive. He was over 30 at the time..has had many more interests since, but all have been adults. It's like we just brushed what happened under the carpet.
There was another much older man who I did things with more often, however ferl like im projecting everything to this man, as he is still in my life to an extent

Oh god, OP, you have been abused by those two filthy paedophiles and this has messed with your head and your self-esteem.

You are being nice to someone who should be in prison for what he did to you. You owe this man nothing. Don’t even consider letting him back into your life. He is not in any sense a friend.

Thank god your DD has you to protect her.

This is appalling, I'm so sorry. How old was he at the time? Obviously older than you, and you were a child.

Sorry, just seen he was over 30.

I'd actually be reporting him to the police. He was a groomer/abuser, and you were a child. You do not owe him your time or politeness.

Sorry, just seen he was over 30.

I'd actually be reporting him to the police. He was a groomer/abuser, and you were a child. You do not owe him your time or politeness.

Stay away and don't let your child anywhere near him. Warn her he's not to be trusted

I don’t suppose he’s wanting to keep contact because you have a teenage daughter, is he?

I think you've got it in one.

This man grooms teenage girls for sex. I'm guessing that as he's been your "friend", your DD has known him from a young age? Whats his relationship with her?

Groomers don't stop being groomers - they just look for new targets when the old ones escape their clutches. He has never been your friend, ever. He has kept you close for his own reasons (probably partly to stop you reporting him for what he is).

I ended up meeting him by circumstace of dating an 18 year old he was living with (was so off the rails at that time!)..which is why I'd got to know him. I definitely didn't act 14 (well, I didnt think so at the time!) I td the 18 year old that I was 15 at the time, although I did tell him the truth on the end. So I guess it's possible he thought I was 15 (still discusting if so though!)
we just kept in contact after, have been going round for years to see him, and occasionally errands etc.
My daughter has met him lots of times at various stages on her life. I would say that they haven't got a bond, so polite acquaintance maybe (tended to see him on my own, but daughter would come with me occasionally, especially in early years. Probably hasn't been round for 2-3 years now)
He had dated lots of women over the years, the youngest being 18 I think.
I honestly don't think he actively goes after children, but saw the opportunity in front of him.
When I agreed to.do it, I don't think I was very enthusiastic, more like 'okay..'
Apart from these, there were others too (not to the sane extent)..these people didn't know each other..I thought I knew everything back then.

This is exactly what I thought. Op you need to keep you and her as far away from his as possible.

My advice is to do the following, in this order:

• Block him via phone, email, social media. He's a vile abuser, and you owe him nothing. Don't feel the need to explain - this is a man that targets children and very young women for sex.
• Warn your daughter that he is not to be trusted. Make sure he can't accidentally 'bump into' her in town and target her that way.
• Seek therapy about what happened to you when you were a teenager. You seem to be still caught up in feeling responsible for your own abuse. It doesn't matter that you didn't behave like a 14 year old - those men were abusive shits.
• Consider reporting one or all of the men who abused you to the police, if you feel able to.

Even with the adults he dates - does that not ring alarm bells with you? Men in their 30s/40s who date 18 year olds are creeps

How does a man that age meet an 18 year old? What does he have in common with her?

The main attraction for men dating very young women/girls is that they can get away with abusive behaviours because the girl/woman won't have the self confidence to tell him to fuck off. They can push their luck sexually because she won't have the experience to be able to assess what's okay and what's not. It's not an equal relationship, and men like this enjoy the power differential.

Yes. He ought to be prison. A 14 year old is a baby.

I strongly believe women should report historic child abuse. OK, the chances of a conviction are small, but the police interview these scumbags, which at least reminds them of what they did. It also means uncomfortable questions from their wife.

I guess I have minimised this a bit, considering I was feeling guilty this morning for not contacting him! I won't rekindle the friendship, that's for sure!
Most women he has dated have been around his age. Its strange how different things seemed back then..going out with men whilst in our late teens seemed like an acceptable (or aspiring!) thing to do

It did used to be seen that way (not by adults, but by teenage girls), I hope it's less so these days.

But think about it, any man willing to get involved with a 14 year old is absolute scum, the worst dregs of society. Nothing aspirational about it. When you were in your 30s, would you have looked at even an 18 year old in a sexual way?

When I come across apprentices at work that are 18-21, I feel more maternal and protective of them than anything else. That's normal. Asking them to have reluctant sex with you is not.

Please warn your DD about this man, OP. Being honest with her about your experiences will be a lot more meaningful to her than the safeguarding/consent education she gets at school.

You didn't deserve to be treated like this as a child and I also think you could look for counselling and support around your experiences.

Your daughter should be nowhere this predator, sorry for what you have been through but please wake up.

I honestly don't think he actively goes after children, but saw the opportunity in front of him.

Well he may see an opportunity again - this time with your daughter - if you do get in touch with him.

OP

How old were you when you started having sec with him and how old was he?

She has answered those question in her posts - she was in his 30s and she was 14.

"when my DD reached 14 years. Realising she is still a child, which is what I was when I slept with this man"

^he was in his 30s

Has it ever occurred to you OP, that maybe the reason he wants the two of you to stay on good terms could be to prevent you from going to the police and reporting him?

He is a disgusting paedophile, and should be in prison. There is also the likelihood that you may not be the only innocent child victim he abused in this way.

It actually has never occurred to me..the only time it has been mentioned would be if a girlfriend was jealous of our friendship..we would talk how our relationship is platonic, and of we wanted a relationship, we would have done so when both single. There may be a throwaway comment about what had happened, abd that it was all on the past.
If there was ever any fallout, he could be quite nasty eg) leaving a voicemail on my home phone number about something I shouldn't have done. I don't think he was 'keeping me sweet' for that reason..
He is amicable with my partner if he bumps into him, though they were never friends
I maybe do need to wake up, to be honest