Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

**trigger warning - sexual abuse** feel guilty for ignoring an old friend, thoigh remembering what he did

65 replies

lilila · 08/10/2022 13:01

I have been friends with a man for 30 years - since I was 14. He asked me if I would have a 'one off' with him, and I did as to 'not hurt his feelings' (I know!) this resulted in me giving sexual favors on a regular basis, i remrmber beung on all fours once, and felt so uncomfortable as he was making weird noisrs as looking at me from behind. I asked a few weeks/months to stop it. He then told me I couldn't go to his house anymore. At that age, I was also doing similar with others, and beat myself up for years after.

Anyway, we somehow became long lasting friends.. saw each other most weeks, purely platonic.
We had a fall out about something silly a year or so ago..he didn't think I had been in touch though a time period, however neither did he. He can ne a little hot headed and sent a couple of off hand text messages (though would then send 'normal' ones when he calmed down.
I decided to block, and he called me from a witheld number recently to make amends. I was surprised to hear from him, and am a complete people pleaser. I didn't contacr him after that, I recieved another off hand message from him, followed by a phone call a few days later.
He still wants to make amends, I said thar I needed a day to think, and I would contact him. However, I keep putting ot off and has been a while now. half expecting an off hand message, though nothing so far.
Is it bad of me not to contact him? I guess a big change in my mindset was when my DD reached 14 years. Realising she is still a child, which is what I was when I slept with this man.
Thank you for reaching the end of this, sorry ot was a bit of a ramble!

OP posts:
Comtesse · 08/10/2022 21:04

You owe this man NOTHING. No need to feel guilty for cutting him out Flowers

Octomore · 08/10/2022 21:50

He is amicable with my partner if he bumps into him

Does you partner know what he did to you when you were 14? I'm surprised your partner could stomach to talk to him if so.

Unless - does everyone around you also minimise child sexual abuse in the way that you do? That might explain why you have found it so hard to recognise anything wrong.

Octomore · 08/10/2022 21:52

And yes, you need to wake up. Big time.

You are in your mid/late 40s now, with a teen daughter. Time to recognise what this man really is.

Original poster
lilila · 08/10/2022 22:08

my partner doesn't know.. I haven't told anyone about this IRL

OP posts:
Original poster
lilila · 08/10/2022 22:16

I did recently speak about the much older man to my partner whilst on a walk..he listen, but didn't really say anything..I don't think he knew what to say. No one knows about the 'friend'
I was teased at school fir sleeping with this older man, as he dropped Mr off near to the school once. I felt that I was a 'slag' (hate that teem now!) for years after.
Thank you for your kind messages by the way, they mean a lot xx

OP posts:
Original poster
lilila · 08/10/2022 22:16

sorry for the typos!

OP posts:
DontWorryBeModeratelyHappy · 08/10/2022 22:21

I honestly don't think he actively goes after children

He went for you, you were 14, you were a child

Geppili · 08/10/2022 23:20

Keep him well away from your daughter at the very least.

HeavensEmbroideredCloths · 09/10/2022 08:21

He contacted you from a new number so blocking him is not enough, you need to change your number.

He may have had girlfriends that were age appropriate but you were not a girlfriend you were his victim and there may be others, he is hardly going to parade a 14 year old around as a girlfriend because he knows he is a paedophile I am sure he contacted you because your DD has reached his age of preference and he knows you are vulnerable.

Get therapy, consider reporting him, in an ideal life he would be but I know some people can’t cope going down this route. Warn your DD.

billy1966 · 09/10/2022 09:26

OP, you were a child.

None of this is on you.

He is a paedophile that groomed and abused you.

Block him and keep him the hell away from your family and child.

Counselling is a good idea and you may feel like reporting him to the police.

This is not a good man.

OrangeRhymesWith · 09/10/2022 12:31

Hi OP, please take care of yourself now as you start to realise what this man and others did to you.
It sounds like he, your peers, and even you went along with the narrative that you had some control or choice and you're beginning to see you didn't.
it's very confronting as your daughter enters the age you were and you see how young and innocent and completely vulnerable you were and how that was taken advantage of.
He knows how much shame you have and is using that.
please be kind to yourself and if you can find someone professional to talk to.

TheCatterall · 09/10/2022 12:33

This was statutory rape. He knew full well what he was doing was illegal let alone immoral. Even if you consented - you were not of an age where you could legally consent.

He’s a paedophile. Plain and simple.

Cut him from your life. whether or not you explain why to him is another matter.

if you wish to contact the police - get advice. It’s doable but difficult after this amount of time has passed.

is there a reason you haven’t told your husband. Is he supportive? Are you worried he’ll be judgemental against you? Or do you carry a lot of blame and guilt about what happened? both are not things you should feel as this isn’t in you. You were a victim of this disgusting man.

snowbellsxox · 09/10/2022 12:38

Oh my god .....

snowbellsxox · 09/10/2022 12:40

You were 14 only 4 year prior to that you were TEN
That's how young you were ..

tribpot · 09/10/2022 12:41

I honestly don't think he actively goes after children, but saw the opportunity in front of him.
What do you mean? He asked you for sex, you did it as a favour 'so as not to hurt his feelings'. You didn't proposition him, and even if you had, he should have turned you down.

As this type of paedophilia has become less acceptable over the years, you've no idea what he might have been doing behind closed doors. You do need to warn your daughter, tell him not to contact you again, and then work on your need to people please - which I believe is a fairly common side-effect in people who have been abused.

Octomore · 09/10/2022 13:57

tribpot · 09/10/2022 12:41

I honestly don't think he actively goes after children, but saw the opportunity in front of him.
What do you mean? He asked you for sex, you did it as a favour 'so as not to hurt his feelings'. You didn't proposition him, and even if you had, he should have turned you down.

As this type of paedophilia has become less acceptable over the years, you've no idea what he might have been doing behind closed doors. You do need to warn your daughter, tell him not to contact you again, and then work on your need to people please - which I believe is a fairly common side-effect in people who have been abused.

Yes, decent men don't see a vulnerable 14 year old as "an opportunity" to ask for sex.

The fact that he used a new number to get round you blocking him shows that even as an adult he has zero respect for your wishes or boundaries.

It worries me that your DD has been introduced to this man as a trusted adult figure in her life. The fact that you happily introduced your DD to this man also demonstrates that, right now, you are not able to safeguard and protect her in the way that you should. Have there been any other predatory male adults in her life who you haven't been able to recognise for what they are?

Please do seek therapy, and please ensure your DD never goes anywhere near him ever again.

Canthinkofaname79 · 09/10/2022 14:31

I'm just wondering what would the view be about a very naive, tiny 17/18 year old girl with absolutely no sexual or relationship experience (who was desperate for attention abd to be in a relationship) being propositioned by a man in his 30s married with children. Would she be seen as the other woman or as a victim who'd been groomed?

Canthinkofaname79 · 09/10/2022 14:32

Sorry to derail but feels similar

Original poster
lilila · 09/10/2022 14:56

Oh God, I'd hate to think that I've put my daughter at risk..I honestly just put all this to the side, but realising how disgusting he is (I think they other man was worse, so focused more on him)
I have warned my daughter today not to speak to him if he approaches her (couldn't bring myself to tell her this)
I hadn't told my partner, or anyone else, about this, as didn't want to cause any trouble

OP posts:
Original poster
lilila · 09/10/2022 14:57

Canthinkofaname79 It does seem similar.. hope you're okay xx

OP posts:
Original poster
lilila · 09/10/2022 16:31

Hi, sorry, no more predatory males

OP posts:
ihatethecold · 09/10/2022 16:50

Op. I want to very gently say that this man abused you.
he still seems to have some power over you and it’s worrying how you are minimising the abuse and his actions even now.

he has no respect for your boundaries.

I am a counsellor who has worked with women that have been abused as children and it’s very common to block out the man being responsible.
regardless of the era it is still child abuse. He was in a position of power and it sounds like he still is.

please get some support to work through this historic abuse.

there are lots of organisations that can help.

Original poster
lilila · 09/10/2022 18:44

I will seek some councelling for this, thank you for making me realise I need to

OP posts:
Canthinkofaname79 · 09/10/2022 21:49

I think thats a good idea OP. Hope you are ok too.

Andypandy799 · 10/10/2022 08:05

@lilila so sad to hear your story. You have had some good advice on here but in no way should you continue any contact with this evil man at the very least.

Hope you get a good counsellor and can somehow find a way to move forward. Hugs

Swipe left for the next trending thread