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Original poster

AIBU autistic child and argument with DP

64 replies

yan79 · 08/10/2022 04:51

Been with partner 5 years. We don’t live together. He has an ASD son (15) in special school, has developmental delay along with ADHD. He’s a very good boy and well behaved, likes his own space and is picky about what he likes. A pleasure really. DP and myself had an argument 2 weeks ago, not related to child. We had no involvement with one another until this week (gave him back my engagement ring, thought it was truly over) he kept in touch for well-being (just seeing if I was okay etc)
this week we decided to make it work, had a lovely few days out and both tried extra had (didn not get my engagement ring back even though we’ve been quite lovely this week but never mind)
fast forward to tonight, shared a bottle of wine, had some nice food, gone to bed ans mentions Xmas and food.
about a month ago I cooked a Sunday lunch (chicken) step son would not eat the chicken but ate everything else. My DP didn’t encourage him to eat it (which he normally would and eventually his son probably would have…eventully) he’s had chicken with us before numerous times.
Going back to tonight, Xmas dinner mentioned and DP said he would bring sausages for child oj Xmas day (fine) I don’t know how but we got onto the subject of my Sunday lunch that I cooked. I said DSS would eat chicken usually and he’ll be fine as he adapts really easily but sausages were fine)
He flew into a defensive argument about how I change my meal plans for my children (neuro typical and 11 & 15) and that I’m isolating his child. I don’t, and usually I adapt our meals to beige) meals that DSS will eat (I don’t want burgers every weekend) DSS only eats with us a few times a week.
I said DSS can have sausages on Xmas day and I didn’t realise at the time he wouldn’t eat chicken otherwise I wouldn’t have done it. Anyway, he’s flew off in a rage (gone home at 2am in a taxi to his house 6 miles away)
i do every bit of the cooking and food shopping (he doesn’t contribute) so I said that while ever I’m doing all the cooking and shopping DSS will eat what I buy (within reason) I wouldn’t make him eat anything I knew he didn’t like. For instance he will only eat cheese sandwiches and plain crisps, cheerios, toast, pizza, burgers, plain pasta etc) which I always have in.
I’ve said DSS is very adaptable and I didn’t realise that on this particular day he wouldn’t eat chicken.
I’ce had it thrown back at me
that It’s me that’s the problem. I’ve said he puts DSS on a pedestal and that he encourages DSS to ‘stick to his ways’ (which he does as when DSS is with me on my own he’ll slightly deviate from his normal meals e.g. eat a ham sandwich.
I wasn’t nasty, I just said maybe we should encourage DSS as he can be welcome to change.

anyway, like I said he’s stormed off home, shouted really loudly and accused me of being unaccomodating and my children not always eating everything I make.

I feel a bit shit as as I said I buy all the food, cook it etc. DP knew what I was making for tea so he had every opportunity to say don’t make that.

he does put DSS on a pedestal (he drew on my walls, hid some of my personal belongings, tied some of my plants in knots etc) and when I mentioned it to DP he flew off the handle. His son can’t seem to do any wrong (I know his behaviours aren’t ‘wrong’ but sometimes I need to address them with DP) but I can’t as he’s so protective and it’s always me that ends up being the bad person.

AIBU to be pissed off with DP?
Can’t sleep and feel like an awful person xx

OP posts:
Delilahonabike · 08/10/2022 05:21

Whether you were right on the finer points is difficult to say without being there but his reaction (shouting and storming off home) is certainly not ok. Your other big problem is his defensiveness of DSS and competitive criticism of your parenting/DC's. It sounds like that will always cause clashes if he's not able to see things objectively or admit that his parenting/DS may be at fault.

parietal · 08/10/2022 06:17

Your relationship was 100% over, now you been back together a few days and he has stormed off with a row about nothing important.

This really is over. Don't drag out a dying relationship. Stop seeing him and start to move on.

custardbear · 08/10/2022 06:56

Perhaps you're criticising his child with ADHD inadvertently, you said he puts him on a pedestal, but actually it's not, he's ND and does need extra compared to your children. Perhaps you've not realised this and he has reached his last straw? Saying things like put on a pedestal, that's quite dismissive to a parent with a child with ND

Raidcandle · 08/10/2022 07:04

Agree with the others. You're arguing again after being together two minutes. This relationship is over. Make the cut and block him so he can't come weaseling back in again when he wants a shag/cooked meal.

autienotnaughty · 08/10/2022 07:08

Tbh it sounds like he was looking for an argument and he got one. I wouldn't make my asd ds a meal I know he can't eat but equally I do often make us different meals to him as I don't like a lot of the foods he will eat.

PaperPalace · 08/10/2022 07:13

The ins and outs of the argument are a bit tricky as others have said, but the important bit is that this is a big argument even though you're both supposed to be trying hard. Not a good sign.

Also, why in earth do you do all the cooking and not get any contribution from him (both financially and in terms of him doing it sometimes?). Wtf? If you do stay together then this definitely needs to change.

Original poster
yan79 · 08/10/2022 08:17

The most recent argument was because of his lack of contribution…
I must add, every time we’ve had an argument, this is how he reacts. Goes home, doesn’t speak to me for a few days.
i completely understand that DSS needs a little extra and has to be treated differently. I work with ASD/ADHD children so I’m acutely aware. But it’s EVERYTHING! Everything he does is better than anybody else, he doesn’t even refer to him by name he calls him a prince or king. That kind of thing

OP posts:
PaperPalace · 08/10/2022 08:20

OK, if this is how he always reacts after an argument, I'd be done if I were you. I can't bear a man who sulks. And it sounds like he's being manipulative - did he react like that on purpose, to make sure you don't raise the issue of him contributing again?

Blanca87 · 08/10/2022 08:23

He should be contributing, that’s the sticking point for me, as he is really entitled.

stayathomer · 08/10/2022 08:26

Sorry op, yes, it does sound like it’s over, and with even your short post it doesn’t sound like you’re matched. I kind of get both sides of this although first of course he puts him on a pedestal whether he means to or not, you always do with someone who needs more help than others (as in my family and various issues), and I did wonder why you talked about chicken when it was the one thing your dss left? Agreed him stropping off is silly though. Hope you’re all ok

Dery · 08/10/2022 08:30

As PP have said: re his son, I can see both sides about the food but you can’t have an adult functioning relationship with someone who hurls abuse and walks out every time you disagree on something. Plus something has gone wrong if you’re funding this guy and his son (which is why he stropped off then - he knew you were right). Sounds like it’s over.

NormalNans · 08/10/2022 08:36

You’re not a good combination, his son is (rightly) his priority and you are unhappy about providing the the adjustments that he feels he needs.

You want someone who can switch back into a full on engagement a week after the relationship ended, he has more extreme reactions to conflict and takes longer to come round.

Fraaahnces · 08/10/2022 08:46

He is happy for you to buy and cook for him, and thinks it’s okay to behave like this? Sounds like he’s been looking for any excuse.

pinkyredrose · 08/10/2022 08:56

i do every bit of the cooking and food shopping (he doesn’t contribute

Why do you put up with it? You should be sharing 50/50. You're feeding his kid for free plus paying for all of it and clearing up. Doesn't seem like a great deal for you.

PermanentTemporary · 08/10/2022 08:56

I don't understand the argument at all but the reaction sounds unhelpful - tbh I'm not even sure why this is an argument in the first place.

Deciding to get married is huge, giving back an engagement ring is a big deal and I'm also not sure how you got from that point to being together again within days.

It's quite difficult blending families and tbh im not sure this is worth the effort. It seems like an enormous amount of drama and distress. How are your kids coping?

pinkyredrose · 08/10/2022 08:58

Everything he does is better than anybody else, he doesn’t even refer to him by name he calls him a prince or king. That kind of thing

😮😅

Please get rid of him. He sounds awful.

Autumntime2022 · 08/10/2022 09:01

This sounds like a partner issue not a stepson issue.

Original poster
yan79 · 08/10/2022 09:02

My kids are fine. The thing that makes me sad is that they’ve asked where he is today and before I’ve even responded they’ve asked if we’ve fallen out and he’s gone home again

OP posts:
Allmarbleslost · 08/10/2022 09:03

It sounds like he was looking for an argument so he could leave. He's not the one for you op.

vdbfamily · 08/10/2022 09:08

MY immediate thought, knowing that ADHD is normally inherited, is that your partner's behaviour suggests he might have it too. My DD has ADHD and the most obvious sign was her lack of emotional regulation. Very small things would cause her to fly into a rage and you would think the world was coming to an end but a while later she would apologise and be absolutely fine. It was exhausting and felt abusive but she is now diagnosed and starting medication.

Original poster
yan79 · 08/10/2022 09:08

We had a really lovely evening up until then so I honestly don’t think he was looking for an argument.
it was just a disagreement and his response (as always when he faces criticism of any kind) is stupid and over the top.

if we lived together what would he do then if he couldn’t go home and sulk for a few days?

OP posts:
Original poster
yan79 · 08/10/2022 09:10

I absolutely agree with him possibly being ASD/ADHD. I’ve thought this for the whole relationship. There’s a strong family history of it, too) brother, nephew, son.
I could never address this with him, though.

OP posts:
Hearthnhome · 08/10/2022 09:13

So your kids are fully aware of this behaviour?

This relationship is shit. I am sorry but it is.

I have a son with autism and quite frankly some days, I just can’t face another meal trying to cajole him to eat some thing he doesn’t want to, even if he has eaten it before. You said your dp would normally try and get him to eat some and dss usually would ‘eventually’. Sometimes, when you do this all the time you can’t face doing it again. But then later you say that he encourages him to stick to his ways. Which doesn’t tally with him normally trying to get to eat something he doesn’t want to.

Then to have a partner who thinks they know better because ‘well embed eats different food if he is with me’ just makes people feel like shit. And it’s not because he is doing anything wrong. It’s not unusual for any kids to do something for other people.

But his reaction and leaving all the time is ridiculous. Him throwing your parenting at him isn’t ok. You paying for all the shopping and food they eat at your house isn’t ok. Your kids seeing this is an example of a relationship, isn’t ok.

Just properly end it.

Isaidnoalready · 08/10/2022 09:16

Just thank your lucky stars you DONT live together

With the chicken you literally did nothing wrong my asd child goes through phases of not eating "real chicken" preferring the nugget variety he now won't eat a Sunday lunch at all i just ask and adapt its frustrating though when you plan a meal around his food preferences only got him to refuse to eat it

TheYearOfSmallThings · 08/10/2022 09:17

It doesn't matter what you were arguing about, or who is in the right - the relationship doesn't work. It was a mistake to try to rekindle it. Since you both have children who are being affected by the instability, you need to stop ruminating about who is right, and just draw a line under it now.