AIBU autistic child and argument with DP

[yan79]

Been with partner 5 years. We don’t live together. He has an ASD son (15) in special school, has developmental delay along with ADHD. He’s a very good boy and well behaved, likes his own space and is picky about what he likes. A pleasure really. DP and myself had an argument 2 weeks ago, not related to child. We had no involvement with one another until this week (gave him back my engagement ring, thought it was truly over) he kept in touch for well-being (just seeing if I was okay etc)
this week we decided to make it work, had a lovely few days out and both tried extra had (didn not get my engagement ring back even though we’ve been quite lovely this week but never mind)
fast forward to tonight, shared a bottle of wine, had some nice food, gone to bed ans mentions Xmas and food.
about a month ago I cooked a Sunday lunch (chicken) step son would not eat the chicken but ate everything else. My DP didn’t encourage him to eat it (which he normally would and eventually his son probably would have…eventully) he’s had chicken with us before numerous times.
Going back to tonight, Xmas dinner mentioned and DP said he would bring sausages for child oj Xmas day (fine) I don’t know how but we got onto the subject of my Sunday lunch that I cooked. I said DSS would eat chicken usually and he’ll be fine as he adapts really easily but sausages were fine)
He flew into a defensive argument about how I change my meal plans for my children (neuro typical and 11 & 15) and that I’m isolating his child. I don’t, and usually I adapt our meals to beige) meals that DSS will eat (I don’t want burgers every weekend) DSS only eats with us a few times a week.
I said DSS can have sausages on Xmas day and I didn’t realise at the time he wouldn’t eat chicken otherwise I wouldn’t have done it. Anyway, he’s flew off in a rage (gone home at 2am in a taxi to his house 6 miles away)
i do every bit of the cooking and food shopping (he doesn’t contribute) so I said that while ever I’m doing all the cooking and shopping DSS will eat what I buy (within reason) I wouldn’t make him eat anything I knew he didn’t like. For instance he will only eat cheese sandwiches and plain crisps, cheerios, toast, pizza, burgers, plain pasta etc) which I always have in.
I’ve said DSS is very adaptable and I didn’t realise that on this particular day he wouldn’t eat chicken.
I’ce had it thrown back at me
that It’s me that’s the problem. I’ve said he puts DSS on a pedestal and that he encourages DSS to ‘stick to his ways’ (which he does as when DSS is with me on my own he’ll slightly deviate from his normal meals e.g. eat a ham sandwich.
I wasn’t nasty, I just said maybe we should encourage DSS as he can be welcome to change.

anyway, like I said he’s stormed off home, shouted really loudly and accused me of being unaccomodating and my children not always eating everything I make.

I feel a bit shit as as I said I buy all the food, cook it etc. DP knew what I was making for tea so he had every opportunity to say don’t make that.

he does put DSS on a pedestal (he drew on my walls, hid some of my personal belongings, tied some of my plants in knots etc) and when I mentioned it to DP he flew off the handle. His son can’t seem to do any wrong (I know his behaviours aren’t ‘wrong’ but sometimes I need to address them with DP) but I can’t as he’s so protective and it’s always me that ends up being the bad person.

AIBU to be pissed off with DP?
Can’t sleep and feel like an awful person xx

This

Hi,
yes, unfortunately my children are used to his ‘ways’
he will try to get DSS to eat something sometimes.
so DP would never in a million years give DSS something he wasn’t 100% certain he wasn’t going to eat but, for example he was served fizzy orange by mistake once when we ate out. My DP encouraged him to attempt to drink it.
sometimes when I make a pasta sauce, if there’s visible veg in it rather than the sauce being smooth DP will try to get him to eat it.

he encourages him to stick to his ways by a strict routine, never doing anything fun with him apart from walking, wouldn’t deviate from the brand of clothing he buys him, same holiday to same place every year, same type of crisps (ready salted and a particular brand) even though DSS will eat other flavours. Not very good examples, sorry, but the list is endless.

If his son is happy with those routines then good for him.

parents of ND children get a lot of criticism about their parenting, we don’t need that from our partner too.

that doesn’t mean he shouldn’t be leaving all the meal shopping and cooking to you.

I don’t criticise him. I was giving examples to give a better idea of what’s going on.

‘Never doing anything fun’ is criticism, who are you to say what his son considers fun?

I do every bit of the cooking and food shopping (he doesn’t contribute)

How did you end up like this??

Sounds like the relationship is dead. I'd block him and move on.

His reaction - shouting and storming off - is not good and not something I would put up with.

I do every bit of the cooking and food shopping (he doesn’t contribute)

Why? Why are you devaluing yourself like this? Why are you paying for cock?

I don’t think he should ever “encourage” him to eat something different. Why?

Give him some multi-vitamins, and let him get on with the cheese sandwiches and sausages.

You sound a tiny bit smug that he will eat different things with you. Maybe he does it to please you but it causes him stress that you don’t see.

His autistic son doesn’t need to be “flexible” but you and his father do.

However, I think the storming off was wrong but I imagine he is heartbroken whenever he sees the way in which is sons life is difficult and that he worries about his future. It’s an emotive subject and I think underneath that argument was really about a lot more than food .

Tbh, I wouldn’t want to be with someone who had these thoughts about how I handle my autistic son.

We get it all the time. ‘Surely he would just eat another brand’ or ‘you just need to work at getting him to try new things more’

When every aspect of your life is down to convincing and cajoling, you don’t have the mental energy to do it over everything. When you go on holiday, you want something you know is familiar that they are comfortable with, rather than risk the impact of it going negatively.

He clearly does try to encourage him to try different things or try to sort things out so he will eat something he usually wouldn’t sometimes. But you don’t get what it’s like when life is like this over everything.

Don’t get me wrong, he doesn’t sounds great. But the judgements you hold about his parenting don’t sound great either. It’s just not going to work.

Yes it is but not something I would ever say to him. So yes, I may have criticised him here to give an insight but I wouldn’t dream of saying that to him

You probably don’t need to tell him directly he can probably tell what your attitude to his parenting is.

You both need to move on.

Working with ASD children is completely different to parenting them btw.

You haven’t addressed how you ended up paying for everything (you don’t have to, of course) but that’s a worry. Also I suspect your attitude to his parenting comes over even if you’re not saying anything but if you’re planning to blend families then it’s natural to want some input I think. But mostly it sounds like this relationship is over.

Yes, I know working with ASD children isn’t tye sane because I also help parent DSS.

Me paying for everything is another bone of contention.
We live separately but see each other 4/5 days per week. Always at my house as it’s bigger and I have a dog at home.
he comes across here at 730-8pm weekdays and spends the weekend here. My house so naturally I do a family food shop.
it’s been this way for over 4 years. He doesn’t cook but will do a bit of chopping or stirring.
the initial argument (the other week) started because of his lack of contribution, he’s even stopped doing the pots after tea because he doesn’t like the dishwasher and thinks it’s unhygienic (I’ve only just got it so he’s used to just washing the pots by hand)
he used to give me £100 a month to help with food but it just stopped about a year ago. No apparent reason and no explanation.

He occasionally pays for a take away or will pick up some lunch on a Saturday.
he pays for all family holidays (which I really do appreciate) but it doesn’t pay the bills. He has very little outgoings (small mortgage, very good wage, low utility bills)
I work part-time. Have two children that don’t have input from their father, HUGE utility bills/rent.

He must think you're a fool, OP.

yes, unfortunately my children are used to his ‘ways’

It sounds like they've got his number better than you have.

He's coming round to yours and eating and using your utilities nearly 50% of the time, for zero contribution (unless you count a mouthful of abuse if you dare raise any subject he doesn't like.)

He's taking the bread out of your children's mouths, not to mention the time and energy you could be spending on them instead of running yourself in circles trying to prevent him stropping off.

This man is a dud. Throw him back. You can do better.

Your biggest mistake was sleeping into a cocklodger situation.

😥

To be fair to him, he’s really tried this past week but in my opinion it should have never been like that in the first place.
he’s come to collect the car this morning and attempted to put out an olive branch but I’ve lost my shit with him and told him I can’t ever see us progressing to moving in together/getting married if this is what he does when we argue.
he told me he didn’t get a taxi home last night (at 2am) he walked home! I live in quite a rural area so he’s walked through unlit streets with no paths 🙄 He’s stormed off again and says ‘it’s over’

Yes - the cocklodging and sulking would bother me a lot more than what his son does or doesn't eat.

Stormed off again?! This is getting tedious.

Isn’t it just 🙄
I couldn’t even attempt to guess how many times he’s done this over the past 4.5years

Bloody hell, OP, find a relationship with a grown up. Your children deserve a better model.

Then I can quite see why you’re suggesting you both encourage, give his ds the opportunity to try new foods. You’re trying to expand his ds choices and experiences —- isn’t that what every parent would do?
As for pulling him up, pointing out that taking your things, tying plants isn’t really a great thing to do is just helping his ds know how the world works.
Your dp’s behaviour sounds emotionally immature, I don’t think he’ll improve.
Walk away, it’s over.

Op, you know my opinion on your opinion of his parenting. So no need to revisit that.

But can you answer, why you put with this?

Why do you put up with him doing nothing?
Why do you put with him not paying towards any of the additional costs he brings you?
Why didn’t you ask him why he was no longer paying £100 a month for those costs?
Why did you extend an olive branch this morning?

I don’t mean you have to answer here. You can and people will help you unpick it. But you really need to be honestly thinking about these things yourself.

It’s an awful relationship that’s been nice for a week and now shits. Your kids know it’s shit. But this is what you are modelling to them.

Why are you doing this?

Why do you put up with him doing nothing?
Why do you put with him not paying towards any of the additional costs he brings you?
Why didn’t you ask him why he was no longer paying £100 a month for those costs?
Why did you extend an olive branch this morning?

I don’t know why I put up with it, I just do. I suppose I’ve always done everything (previous to him) I do love him dearly but I feel like I have another child. He has some very lovely traits which I suppose make these things more acceptable to me.
I find the subject of money (especially admitting that I’m skint) very embarrassing so I’d be too ashamed to ask him for some money.
In the past he’s been extremely generous and paid off a small amount of debt I had, paid for my car insurance in the past and as I said pays for all the holidays so I suppose it’s me trying to ‘pay him back’

it was him that extended the olive branch and I didn’t accept. Therefore he’s buggered off home again, sulking and blocked my number.