Blind sided and confused

[morekidsthanhands1]

This is the text message I received from my DP of 5 years, whom I’ve been financially supporting and letting him live in my house rent free and who’s kids I help out with, take on holiday, do their homework etc and also hold down 2 jobs and look after my kids. All because, in my opinion, I went out for friends birthday dinner… looking nice… equals I make no effort for him and in his words when I got home… am a “selfish c**t” and only got text as walked thru door as no reception at mates house……….
“I need to talk to you. I’m not happy in general. I don’t think this is working if I’m honest. I just think this isn’t for me anymore”

text was supposed to be delivered whilst I was out with friends.but due to bad wifi I didn’t get it till I got home. So designed I think to ruin my night.

for context we are in our late fourties and everything was fine till this morning when I told him to stop being a self pitting man child because I was going out with friends and not staying in with him. Simplified version but general gist! I’m too tired too angry and prob drunk too much to think clearly
Am numb and in shock

It's absolutely remarkable that you haven't kicked out this useless cocklodger years ago, yet even after he's been an utter pig you're still with him. He should be out on his arse, and it's very alarming that you're standards are so shockingly low.

Kick this arsehole out and get some therapy. You need to figure out why on earth you have been such a doormat.

Such a really weird thing to say

Im sorry, I can’t really relate as I wouldn’t financially support a man and his children. But regarding his intention to ruin your night, it’s pathetic and insecure. Seriously though, your life partner refers to you as a cunt? Recognise your self worth and own it.

This is the text message I received from my DP of 5 years, whom I’ve been financially supporting and letting him live in my house rent free and who’s kids I help out with, take on holiday, do their homework etc and also hold down 2 jobs and look after my kid

How on earth can you describe the above as:

for context we are in our late fourties and everything was fine till this morning

It wasn't fine. He's been on an absolute pisstake for years.

Wow harsh

LTB

He's a liability and has done you a favour, because it sounds like you were fine literally doing everything and wouldhavecontinuedbeinga doormat.

Let him go and find someone else to use, or heaven forbid he actually supports himself.

Im
actually wondering if I’m being coercively controlled??? I think it might be I’m being dramatic but I can’t actually figure it out?? I feel very lost and scared I am failing. My kids think he is wonderful. I am trying to work out the right way forward.

I think you have been sleepwalking through the last five years of your life.

I am trying to work out the right way forward.

It is so, so concerning that you don't already know what you need to do. He needs to be gone, immediately.

The right way forward is to tell him you'll expect all his stuff out of your house by X date, and that you and he can talk about back rent and charges for babysitting and tutoring after that.

This sponging leech has used you for years, and now wants you to respond to the whip cracking he thinks he's entitled to. He must think very highly of his dick, because that's just about the only thing he has going for him in this relationship.

You'd be much better off financially without him, and now that he's shown his true colours and the entitlement over you he seems to feel is warranted, better off emotionally. Your children would be happier with a mum who could give them her full attention amd have more money to spend enriching their lives.

Kick him to the curb .

@somebodycutmygrass wow! You ok hun? Such an odd comment to make. Can tell your not a very nice person and hope you get better soon 😘 @morekidsthanhands1 He doesn't deserve you. I would agree with him and say bye bye. Relationships should be 50/50 and yours isn't. What has he said now your home?

Pack his shit and throw it out the door
Tell him ditto via text
Any other bollox from him phone the police
Then do the freedom programme

Well if you are so selfish, and this is not for him anymore, " off you f**k" should be the response. See how well he does without you and all you do for him.
In response to this he will do a uturn on ending it, because really he knows how good he's had it. But it will all still be your fault, for failing to be controlled for the night. Now don't think of going out without him again, because your sole purpose is clearly to provide for him and do his bidding.

@morekidsthanhands1, you’ve detailed your P’s controlling, contemptuous behavior in several threads since June.

First, he criticized your parenting, and accused you of having no boundaries with your kids because you gave your 16 year old and a few of his friends a lift to/from 2 gatherings after their exams. Your children are very responsible and you do set boundaries. He was actually jealous that you wouldn’t be at home all evening with him.

In August you wrote about a trip to Ibiza which you and your long-time girlfriends were excitedly planning to celebrate your milestone birthday next year. (You and P will be taking a solo holiday, as well as celebrating with the children.) P flipped out and threatened that you’d be single when you returned, and claimed that Ibiza trips are just for drugs and sex. Now, to keep the peace, you don’t plan to go.

Re his current despicable, coercive tactic, he was again claiming ownership of your time and attention. He clearly hoped to ruin your evening with his threat. Calling you a selfish c**t was beyond the pale.

@morekidsthanhands1, this revolting user and emotional abuser needs to go.

Women who love too much might be an enlightening read for you,@morekidsthanhands1 ...

After you've given this entitled and controlling cocklodger his marching orders, obviously!!

Things are only getting worse, aren't they OP?

Whenever you go out, he's stepping up the abuse. He's gone from criticising your parenting, to threatening to break up with you, to actually breaking up with you. He wants to stop you doing anything without him, even if it's something for your kids.

Is this really how you want to live your life?

He sounds like a twat. Reply and say 'I agree, when are you moving out?'.

i used to have a very nice social life. I have a few different groups of girlfriends. Now I hardly see them. DP loved lockdown as we couldn’t go anywhere or do anything. Since lockdown I’ve only invited friends over to mine twice. The last time was a dinner with partners and DP (who never goes out) arranged to go out that night and came home just as people were leaving. He blames social anxiety as the reason he doesn’t like going out. He says I don’t mind you going but when I do it always ends in an argument. Yesterday was about me making more effort for my friends than him as I made effort to look nice. He wants me to do this at home got him, dress up in nice underwear etc. I do but not when I’ve got my kids or his kids here. I’ve got stuff to do for them and at the end of a 12 hr work day I don’t feel like dressing up. I’m always the one making up, coaxing him out of the mood. Before I went out last night I’d been joking and kissing him and saying come darling and then left, all seemed fine till I got home. He said he’s stuck with me as I own the home and control the money. I do own the house and pay the bills but I don’t control his money, what he earns I have no sight of. He keeps that and uses it how he wants, he occasionally pays for a food shop by way of contribution. It’s never bothered me as I thought we were a team. But to say I’m controlling him by paying for the overheads…. I feel so helpless. Every time we argue he turns it back on me and says it’s my behaviour that’s weird or odd or calls me mentally unstable or worse. Then sulks, won’t talk to me and I have to gently coax him back. He’s annoyed saying to me. You’re always so tired at home but you energy to go out with your friends, the conversation are always just before I go out, designed to make ‘me feel bad and deflate me. Then once it’s all ok he is fine and lovely and nice. Everyone thinks he is so calm and kind. I don’t really understand where his reaction lat night came from. Maybe because I didn’t text him while I was out. He usually likes me to text while I’m out to tell him what I’m up to etc Thank god we have no kids this weekend. I need to get my head straight. Not really the weekend I had planned.
I left my ex as he was controlling and dominating and he made me feel like I was the problem and I was always apologising to him. I’ve lost myself totally.

Could there be a modicum of truth to it though? Look at the power Imbalance. He does absolutely nothing, OP does absolutely everything. Why? What is she getting out of giving so much of herself to someone who gives her nothing in return? Sometimes our ego can trick us into thinking we are being altruistic for the benefit of others when really we are doing it because it makes us feel good about ourselves on the inside. The answer would be for OP to look deep inside of herself at why she is really giving so much of her soul away to someone she gets nothing back from. Could it be that initially being so kind and caring made her feel good about herself? It's tough because to get what I'm explaining takes a lot of honesty about ourselves and why we really do the things we do which often people are not able to handle because it usually brings up some uncomfortable truths about ourselves and our own true motives. It's not a bad thing either. Sometimes we just don't realise how we got ourselves into such shyte situations but usually it would have been because we were getting an emotional payoff of some sort at the start. There may well be a saviour hidden inside the OP.

Honestly this is going nowhere other than it will get worse . You really do deserve better . You only get treated , the way you allow yourself to be treated and by staying with him you are allowing him to treat you terribly. Get rid of him . You can’t find mr right with mr wrong on your arm ! Or on ya sofa in this case !

Tell him you agree that it's not working out and give him a week to find somewhere else to stay. Help him to pack his stuff and say goodbye.

What will you be losing by ending this relationship?

God, get rid

I’d imagine he is very nice and charming when he has to be? Just, get rid- he’s a bad man

Tell him you agree and he should go. Your life will be MUCH better.

You keep posting about this. You do nothing to change the situation. What do you want from this thread?

You need to see a doctor as this really isn't a normal way to think.