Blind sided and confused

[morekidsthanhands1]

This is the text message I received from my DP of 5 years, whom I’ve been financially supporting and letting him live in my house rent free and who’s kids I help out with, take on holiday, do their homework etc and also hold down 2 jobs and look after my kids. All because, in my opinion, I went out for friends birthday dinner… looking nice… equals I make no effort for him and in his words when I got home… am a “selfish c**t” and only got text as walked thru door as no reception at mates house……….
“I need to talk to you. I’m not happy in general. I don’t think this is working if I’m honest. I just think this isn’t for me anymore”

text was supposed to be delivered whilst I was out with friends.but due to bad wifi I didn’t get it till I got home. So designed I think to ruin my night.

for context we are in our late fourties and everything was fine till this morning when I told him to stop being a self pitting man child because I was going out with friends and not staying in with him. Simplified version but general gist! I’m too tired too angry and prob drunk too much to think clearly
Am numb and in shock

Why on earth do you think of yourselves as a team? Can you explain? He doesn't contribute which immediately means he's not part of the team.

I'm sorry - breaking up is hard but you know that's what you are doing now - neither of you are happy - at least you won't really be hurting his feelings when you pack his bags and tell him to go

He's using you. And now he's abusing you.

"He said he’s stuck with me as I own the home and control the money."

How is he stuck with you when he has clearly said the relationship isn't working and he wants to go.

Tell him to go. Change the locks. Arrange time with your friends. My guess is your kids don't like him as much as you think they do.

What the hell is wrong with you. Uncalled for

You need to stop blaming survivors for staying and start supporting them to enable them to leave. By understanding the many barriers that stand in the way of a woman leaving an abusive relationship – be it psychological, emotional, financial or physical threats – we can begin to support and empower women to make the best decision for them while holding abusers solely accountable for their behaviour. Here are just a few of the reasons that prevent a woman leaving:

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/women-leave/

I don’t think this is working if I’m honest. I just think this isn’t for me anymore”

I think the only reasonable answer to that text is "fair enough, no hard feelings, when are you moving out".

---

This is my initial reaction on reading that. I'll read the rest of the thread now incase it changes anything, don't really expect it to, though.

---

Read all the way though and yeah, as happens to many successful women, you have been caught by an unscrupulous operator. Give up the idea that you are somehow meant for each other. A stranger can see how he is using you and has no real love for you.

So sorry.

Your confusion will lift when you rip the plaster off. Give him a date to be gone and start healing yourself.

It will absolutely get better once you have got rid of him. It will be more difficult the longer you delay.

Sending you strength and solidarity xx

Onthebrinkofchange
i guess I mean he helps out around the house, helps with lifts for my kids and stuff like that.

I think I’m so blind to it and so worried about causing stress to the children as there lives are so settled.
I feel very conflicted
need to get my head straight.

Show him the door and stop being a mug

I'd have replied, 'I agree. Time to pack your bags'.

Hope that’s made you feel really clever.

This is a batshit reply! What an incredible judgement of someone trying to be nice!

OP, I’d take him up on his offer and tell him to leave.

Yes he is coercing and controlling.

Yes this happens to women from all walks of life.

Please consider the lesson your children are learning from this. You have gone from independent social mum to having no social life and a miserable, coercive cocklodger in the house.

Get him to leave.

If this is true, no one can do anything to help you, until you are ready to receive help.

Agree with PPs. You are not in a healthy relationship, you are in an ongoing transaction where you are literally paying for everything and despite being treated like shit, you are getting something back that you consider valuable. This is a codependent relationship.

On the outside to other people, it looks like you are paying to keep a man. From what you write, you are even feeling that you should pay a bit more to make it all alright again. This is fucked up, your head has been fucked up as a result of an abusive relationship, and posters being kind to you are not helping unfuck your head.

You do indeed need to get your head straight. The first step towards that is to really look at why you feel that you deserve so little and what exactly you are getting out of this relationship that makes you carry on paying for it. Only you can examine that bottom line, and then start to make the effort to value yourself more.

For many women in a codependent, abusive relationship, it is the realisation that their children are being stolen from, that their children are paying the cost of keeping this cocklodger in their own home. The place where they should be safe and looked after. Do not make the mistake of imagining that this is in any way a good situation for them, because deep down you know it isn't.

Ugh. This is not a healthy situation for your children. What example do you think this is setting for them?

Why are you financially supporting him and looking after his kids??

I'm sorry to say that you are, OP.

He's done a proper number on you. You're in a situation where in theory you hold all the power and could be calling the shots, and instead you feel utterly helpless.

This kind of mismatch of reality and perception does not happen without constant mindfuckery.

You need to stop wasting your time trying to understand him, just fuck him off, he doesn’t love you and he is a prick. It really is that simple. He isn’t pretending to be anything other than a prick.

On the plus side, you have all the power here, you don’t need a man for anything. He knows this.

"I need to talk to you. I'm not happy in general. I don't think this is working if I'm honest. I just think this isn't for me any more"

That's a get-out-of-jail card if ever I saw one... so make use of it.

Just reply: "I agree. It's not working for me either. You need to pack your bags and leave".

I have every sympathy for you. I think you are in the middle of your journey to realising this relationship is not good for you, and that he needs to leave.

As other posters have pointed out, you have posted previously about your unhappiness with him. To us, looking from the outside in, it’s seems obvious to us he is freeloading and emotionally abusing you. He should either change or leave, but as we know men like this never change.

It has taken me more than six years to finally realise I must leave my husband, I really thought I could endure.

The best thing I did was see a therapist, this helped me have no doubts.

If you could take your children out of the equation, what would you do?

I feel for you, OP.

(Not that that helps at all.)

It's easy for a bunch of strangers on the internet to say LTB but this is your life.

My DH started the 'not going out pressure' fairly recently. We've been married 30 years.

I handled it by increasing the amount I left him home. He sulked. I ignored that. ( though it was difficult).

He came to understand that my feelings and needs are not of less importance than his.

Why now? Well, he has recently retired. He seemed to think that meant my life should now be solely focused on him because he's around allllll the time. It doesn't.

If his attitude had not changed rapidly, he'd be gone.

Know Your Worth.

OP I agree with others I think you have been in an abusive relationship...it can creep up before you see it. But now you recognise it don't think spliting up will harm your dcs, if anything they will benefit from being away from him.

I think womans Aid is useful to talk to. My hunch is he will not go easily regardless of his text. So plan and get support from friends/family. Good luck.

I'm sorry my post above sounds so smug. (It didn't in my head.)

I can see you are concerned about failing your children. If they think he's wonderful, you have managed to shield them from his fuckery so far. That is not a failure.

You know where this needs to go. You can do it. You will all be better off for it.

Show your children how to value themselves