White lies

[TheCornishmaid]

Wont elaborate much... I wrote a long post explaining but deleted as the situation has been resolved and I dont need advice on that.

Just wandering, in your opinion are white lies okay in a relationship? If yes in what circumstances and when it is not okay.

It depends on the subject matter and the size of the lie. Not telling someone a 'thing' because you know they will be hurt by it when it does not matter anyway - a sort of protective decision not to say it, is well meant.

If someone asks you if they look fat in say - a dress and you say 'no' knowing they do is not helpful.

If you know someone is having an affair and their spouse asks you about it and you deny all knowledge then that is a white lie gone too far.

Subject matter please !

I tell white lies all the time but it's things like "I had a jacket potato for lunch" when actually I drove to McDonald's

Anything concerning us financially, emotionally, our relationship I am incredibly honest and upfront about.

I was going to say all lies are bad but the jacket potato/mc Donald’s scenario is definitely an exception to the rule haha

I think generally a white lie is ok if it’s fairly trivial and is done to make the other person feel better. Ie if dog sitting, you don’t tell the owner if the dog didn’t always behave.

But if the white lie is for your benefit or to stop someone getting cross with you ie you borrowed their car, used up a lot of petrol but couldn’t be bothered to top it up at a petrol station, but instead say that you forgot - not a good white lie.

A good maxim to live by is if you say/do something and wouldn’t want to tell your mum/dad, then it’s probably not good.

White lies implies lies that just make either the liar or liaree feel better, not anything important. Like 'yes that was a lovely dinner thank you' or 'thank you for the ash tray gift - so useful'.

I think the audience matters too - I'd lie to a stranger more easily than to a friend or other loved one.

Taxi driver: so what do you do?
Me: <something boring but with a touch of mystery so they might think I'm a spy>

I don't lie to DH, but I sometimes put things that could be hurtful very kindly.

If you know someone is having an affair and their spouse asks you about it and you deny all knowledge then that is a white lie gone too far.

That's not a white lie, though. White lies are things like the example above, saying you had a jacket spud instead of McDonald's.

I don't tend to bother with white lies like that- it's being inconsequential that makes them white lies, but also why they're not worth bothering with.

White lie to me is getting my upper lip waxed but saying im in tesco so it depends on what the lie is or why it is being used.

Some think it's ok, some don't. I don't see the point, and neither does my partner. Neither of us would white lie to the other.

It's really not important what anybody else thinks, @TheCornishmaid

How does it make you feel?

A white lie means it's a harmless lie. If it's harmful, or potentially harmful or deceitful then it's not a white lie and not okay.

A white lie means it's a harmless lie

For some of us, any lie is a breach of trust, and therefore harmful.

my partner said he didn't want me to be pissed off so didn't tell the full truth. I wasn't pissed off at what happened more pissed off at the stupid lie! It was over something silly but created unnecessary stress. So yeah didn't feel great communicated with partner about that and sorted it out. 👍

I've actually lied about getting a maccies 😂 pretty sure we've all done that one

pretty sure we've all done that one

No. I wouldn't want to hide what I eat from my partner. We don't judge each other in superficial ways like that so it's not worth breaking trust for. Why is it more important to hide what you had for lunch than it is to tell your partner the truth? Surely the trust is more important than admitting you went to MacDonald's?

Because i told him i wanted to eat better then literally next morning i went and got a maccies breakfast 😂 not that he would have been bothered in the slightest. surely you can laugh some of these off, life can't be all that serious

I bet you're fun at parties

I bet you're fun at parties

Lying to your partner makes you fun at parties?

I thought it was more to do with witty repartee, but you know best.

But I'd tell my partner and we'd both laugh at me. Neither of us would laugh at a lie, but we both laugh at each other's fallibility. We're hopeless, but we tell each other the truth.

My OH hates McDonald’s and is a health nut, I’m a junk food loving slob and honestly sometimes it’s easier to lie than go through the conversation of how bad junk food is and full of chemicals etc! He probably lies about how many pints he’s had when he’s gone to the pub, totally harmless imo but everyone is different.

If my partner has opinions, I don't find ways to avoid hearing them, that doesn't seem harmless to me. It sounds like not being interested in things your partner thinks you are interested in, and keeping up a pretence to keep the peace.

Honestly, I really don't get it. If my partner started going on at me about how bad the food I ate was, I'd say I wasn't comfortable with that, and my wishes would would be respected. You're essentially saying that if you told your partner you didn't want a lecture whenever you ate MacDonald's, he wouldn't respect what you'd said. Why is this ok? Why can't you just be honest and open, and allow each other your failings?

Without white lies - we’d have to live in the world of radical honesty.
Do we really want to all hear that clothes don’t fit us; we look tired; our weight gain does make us less attractive; penis size does matter; our meals aren’t universally tasty; the standard of cleanliness at our places isn’t up to scratch; we look average compared to beautiful people, etc….
All niceties will also go from our lives and we’ll finally be able to share with our friends that their conversations are often boring and their kids are spoilt and they aren’t great parents. Then we’ll find out what people think about us.

Wasn’t there a movie about a man who couldn’t tell any lies?…

Yes, it’s nice to be able to feel comfortable in a relationship and be able to be completely open and vulnerable. It’s a nice feeling, and, in early stages of the relationship, it make the couple feel special, united agains the world.
But even in such relationship, over time you’ll find you’ll sometimes have something you don’t completely share. Otherwise you lose all sense of identity and lose yourself.

I agree with this, so I’d have cracking fun at a party with you and I wouldn’t be ashamed to tell DH about it later. I don’t lie to DH about anything. I see it as respect.

No you’re conflating truth with thought-broadcasting, because you literally don’t have to comment on every single thing you see/do.
You can just be quiet.

I can't believe so many people think lying over what you eat is ok. There's a reason you're lying and it's generally because you think your partner will judge you. That's sad.

Guess I should LTB then...