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Original poster

White lies

51 replies

TheCornishmaid · 06/10/2022 13:09

Wont elaborate much... I wrote a long post explaining but deleted as the situation has been resolved and I dont need advice on that.

Just wandering, in your opinion are white lies okay in a relationship? If yes in what circumstances and when it is not okay.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 07/10/2022 09:57

Do we really want to all hear that clothes don’t fit us; we look tired; our weight gain does make us less attractive; penis size does matter; our meals aren’t universally tasty; the standard of cleanliness at our places isn’t up to scratch; we look average compared to beautiful people

If my partner thought any of those things about me, I'd rather be told, yes.

I don't think it's a good idea to never white lie out in the world. When someone in the office asks how I am, I'm perfectly happy to say 'Fine', because they don't want to know, really. Their question determines the level of honesty. The closer I am to them ,the more likely they'll get less white lies.

But in my own home? I'll be who I am, without feeling I want to hide any part of myself. And if I can't, I'll be having a look at why things are so unhealthy that I can't even admit that I ate MacDonald's without fear of repercussions.

Watchkeys · 07/10/2022 09:59

@Turtle93

Guess I should LTB then

I was asking you questions because I don't understand. Nobody's judging your relationship. I can see why you need to lie, now, though, if those are the sorts of conclusions that come into your head from being asked simple questions.

Turtle93 · 07/10/2022 10:03

I don't remember asking for opinions about my relationship, thank you.

Watchkeys · 07/10/2022 10:05

Turtle93 · 07/10/2022 10:03

I don't remember asking for opinions about my relationship, thank you.

That's good because nobody gave you any. Not sure why you're taking this so personally. I was asking you questions because I don't understand why you lie to your partner. You haven't answered them, but you have become defensive. When people easily become defensive, they start to feel the need to bend the truth. It all follows. It's universal. It's not about you.

Turtle93 · 07/10/2022 10:07

I made it clear that I tell the occasional white lie because I don't need to be tutted at for having the occasional McDonald's and then told about a podcast that said McDonald's is the devil and as addictive as crack. It's really not that deep!

MMmomDD · 07/10/2022 10:10

@PeekabooAtTheZoo

Not really. I am not suggesting that all thoughts were broadcast.
I am saying that taken to extreme - a world with white lies doesn’t work. If every conversation, every question has to be answered with complete honesty.

But sure - in a relationship filtering should be less. And for me - there is a difference between things you might not say to hide your own imperfections/insecurities (say you ate at McD)….
Vs things we say to partners to make them feel better/not hurt them (say he is losing his hair and it does look worse, but you love them regardless. Do you really need to hurt them with that ‘truth’ if he asks…)

girlmom21 · 07/10/2022 10:13

Turtle93 · 07/10/2022 10:07

I made it clear that I tell the occasional white lie because I don't need to be tutted at for having the occasional McDonald's and then told about a podcast that said McDonald's is the devil and as addictive as crack. It's really not that deep!

Actually I think you do need to address that because it makes your partner sound like a bit of a dick.

Crunchingleaf · 07/10/2022 10:31

When my MIL was dying of cancer, my DH put on a lot of weight because of stress, no routine, eating junk food , way less exercise l. A couple of times he asked me what I thought of his appearance and I lied because he was already hurting and had enough stress in his life. After she passed he went back to his regular weight as he was back eating properly and exercising.
We are all imperfect and sometimes a white lie is to protect the other person and sometimes it’s to protect ourselves.

Watchkeys · 07/10/2022 10:47

We are all imperfect

Knowing that my partner loves me regardless of my imperfections, still finds me attractive if I don't have a 6 pack etc is important to me. If partner's can't accept each other's imperfections, who can?

Watchkeys · 07/10/2022 10:48

A lie from my partner wouldn't protect me. Honesty is more valuable than feeling that my partner loves my rolls of fat (or whatever other superficial thing).

bingbummy · 07/10/2022 12:35

It's the motive that matters.

When you tell the white lie ask why you are doing it and it's that reason that will tell you whether it's wrong or not.

Watchkeys · 07/10/2022 14:02

bingbummy · 07/10/2022 12:35

It's the motive that matters.

When you tell the white lie ask why you are doing it and it's that reason that will tell you whether it's wrong or not.

'I lied to my partner because I wanted to hide something from them' is never a good motive.

Even for things like surprise presents, you can say 'Wait and see'. Lying is deceiving. It's not honest. That's never good. No motive justifies dishonesty.

Crunchingleaf · 07/10/2022 15:57

Watchkeys · 07/10/2022 14:02

'I lied to my partner because I wanted to hide something from them' is never a good motive.

Even for things like surprise presents, you can say 'Wait and see'. Lying is deceiving. It's not honest. That's never good. No motive justifies dishonesty.

Show quote history

A white lie is obviously a deal breaker for some relationships. It’s something important to you and your values in a relationship.
Some people don’t pay too much attention to a white lie, because they are so common in everyday life. What works for you and your relationship doesn’t work for others as we are all different and have different value systems. I actually think in majority of LTR there is the odd lie here and there about meaningless stuff. Classic example is the ‘oh this old thing I have had it ages’ about a brand new item of clothing.
Constant lies or lying about important stuff would of course be harmful in a relationship.

CrystalCoco · 07/10/2022 15:59

Doggiedoodoos · 06/10/2022 13:48

White lie to me is getting my upper lip waxed but saying im in tesco so it depends on what the lie is or why it is being used.

😂

YellowRedBlueGreen · 07/10/2022 16:05

Lie - Oh sorry I didn't get the HP Ketchup, they only had the supermarket version
Truth - Like fuck are we paying £4 for that
(Acceptable)

Lie - I had a few too many beers and crashed on Lee's sofa
Truth - I spent all night banging the shit out of your sister
(Not acceptable)

girlmom21 · 07/10/2022 16:07

YellowRedBlueGreen · 07/10/2022 16:05

Lie - Oh sorry I didn't get the HP Ketchup, they only had the supermarket version
Truth - Like fuck are we paying £4 for that
(Acceptable)

Lie - I had a few too many beers and crashed on Lee's sofa
Truth - I spent all night banging the shit out of your sister
(Not acceptable)

But why do you need to lie about the ketchup? Why can't people just have an adult conversation?

YellowRedBlueGreen · 07/10/2022 16:08

girlmom21 · 07/10/2022 16:07

But why do you need to lie about the ketchup? Why can't people just have an adult conversation?

Show quote history

Because sometimes for something so minor it's just not worth the aggro or you've had too long a day for a petty argument. Pick your battles

Watchkeys · 08/10/2022 10:04

YellowRedBlueGreen · 07/10/2022 16:08

Because sometimes for something so minor it's just not worth the aggro or you've had too long a day for a petty argument. Pick your battles

Show quote history

But surely as a couple, you'd like to either agree on what's worth the aggro, or you'd each like to be trusted on your decision making process for buying things? It wouldn't be a battle in my house; I'd just say 'I was too tired to go to the other shop where the cheaper ketchup was available', and my partner would respect that. That's what all the petty lying comes down to: thinking your partner isn't going to respect your decisions. They're pretty petty things to bother disrespecting, ketchup purchase, or MacDonald's-eating. The more minor a thing you feel the need to lie about, the more petty your partner's casual disrespect of you is. The more petty a thing your partner is willing to open a battle with you about.

If tiny decisions have 'pick your battles' and 'petty argument' as considerations, it's not really a respectful relationship.

ClaryFairchild · 08/10/2022 10:48

Oh FFS, no one is perfect, everyone can be an arsehole about certain things, without being arseholes over all. So if your partner is a bit of a pratt about junk food, it does not necessarily mean the relationship is in trouble. It's called real life. If your relationship is so freaking perfect that you NEVER tell a little fib because you cannot be bothered dealing with the one bit of your partner that is annoying then good for you, but let the rest of us mere mortals get on with our slightly imperfect relationships.

EndlessMagpies · 08/10/2022 10:57

A white lie to me is something like telling someone they look lovely in that outfit, even if I think it is hideous, or looking happy when thanking someone for a present you don't like, or how much you enjoyed eating the meal they cooked, when it was something you disliked. Basically going out of your way to not unnecessarily hurt someone's feelings over something minor.

It is not covering up something you've done and telling porkies so the other person doesn't get upset by it. That isn't a white lie, it is just lying.

Watchkeys · 08/10/2022 11:00

@ClaryFairchild

We don't regard each other as arseholes in any respect. We each allow each other the liberty to make our own, sometimes imperfect decisions, without judging. Someone who makes a poor decision isn't an arsehole.

Enjoy your imperfect, pettily disrespectful relationship. Nobody is trying to stop you getting on with that, or tell you you're wrong, don't worry, we all have different standards, and that's fine. I will continue to enjoy honesty, openness, and being able to be fully myself in my own home. I think you'd prefer to do the same though, if you're honest. You're a good person, I'm sure; good people generally prefer not to lie if they can avoid it, and not to be put in positions where they feel the need to. Unless it feel nice to you when you tell these little lies?

Honeylover333 · 08/10/2022 12:49

Watchkeys · 06/10/2022 17:37

A white lie means it's a harmless lie

For some of us, any lie is a breach of trust, and therefore harmful.

I agree. For whatever reason, someone has deliberately given you wrong information, and I find that disturbing.

I’m fine with sparing people’s feelings, but I’d try to wriggle out of actually having to lie!

J0y · 08/10/2022 12:52

I used to work in mcdonalds as a teenager and I saw my friends' dads eating cheeseburgers. One friend's dad even said to me, don't tell Jean, I'm on my way home for a caesar salad now!

layladomino · 08/10/2022 12:59

I don't think any form of lying is acceptable with your partner. Because trust is vital and at the centre of the relationship. And because it's important that I can be myself with my partner. So if I want to have a maccies, why should I hide that from him? If you find yourself hiding things from your partner, you have to ask yourself why. If it's 'he wouldn't approve / he would give me grief / he'd use it against me' then that doesn't sound like a healthy relationship.

Crunchingleaf · 08/10/2022 13:54

@ClaryFairchild I agree with what your saying. We all sometimes have off days where we wouldn’t be our normal selves and our partners are the same. A white lie when your partner is having an off day because your not in the mood to be dealing with it doesn’t mean it’s a bad relationship. If you often have to tell white lies because of your partners reaction then that is a problem.
People can have very rigid views which is impractical in real life.