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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I being unrealistic with relationship expectations or should I put up and shut up?

54 replies

tartytowers · 06/10/2022 11:45

I've name changed for this.

Been with DH for over 20 years, and have two teenagers aged 16 and 13. DH has always been a bit selfish in terms of putting himself first rather than the kids when they arrived, but it just seems to get worse and worse and I don't know if I'm expecting too much.

Firstly, his fucking hobbies. He has, in the past two years gone back to playing snooker, which takes up two nights per week and one whole day at weekends for a tournament which is usually a Sunday. On Saturday in winter he does clay pigeon shooting for the whole day. Then Friday nights is always pub night with his mates.

I am expected to give him lifts to places so he can have a drink, and all he is focussed on all the time is his fucking hobbies; if he's going out that night then everything is 'working towards' that, and it's assumed I will cook tea, and sort out things for the next day, walk the dogs etc.

I do all stuff in the house anyway. He literally has two jobs to do; put rubbish out from the kitchen bin and put recycling out and half the time he leaves them until they're overflowing, too, then moans as no one else has done them. He'll never do anything like check we've got enough milk in the house, or wash anyone's bedding, or even put any laundry away. He always moans about mess though and expects me to cook for him!

He prioritises his hobbies and relaxation over family time. He will literally sit and watch tv all day if it's a weekend and he has no hobby/sport activity that day. He won't even make, say, sandwiches for lunch for everyone.

We have a business together, which we both work from home at, but I recently took a temporary full time job out of the home which I had to stop as I was literally getting home at midnight from late shifts and he'd have got the kids takeaway for tea and nothing was ready for the next day, and everywhere was a mess. He literally did nothing for the three months I worked full time.

I then had a flare up of an ongoing health condition that left me quite ill for about 6 weeks, and again he did nothing in that time, and I'm still trying to get on top of the mess and laundry.

Am I being unrealistic to think I was more from life than this? I just feel so down and fed up, all the time, and literally just work, cook, and clean, and just downtrodden.

OP posts:

catsnore · 06/10/2022 11:51

Sounds awful! I think I'd stop supporting him in anything!!! Do the bare minimum for you and kids - and they are old enough to help you. Get your own hobbies. When he wants a lift - sorry you're busy. Oh by the way, dear, I won't be around on Sunday so you've got the kids all day. It's so easy to fall into this supporting role when you've brought up children.

Original poster

tartytowers · 06/10/2022 11:57

I honestly despair for my future. Part of me wants to just move out, rent my own flat, have the kids 50/50

OP posts:

pinkyredrose · 06/10/2022 12:00

What a useless fucker. He's acting like a single man so why not put you all out of misery and split. It's sending a really bad message to your DC too seeing their Dad do as he pleases despite having a family.

ICanHideButICantRun · 06/10/2022 12:01

I would definitely move out. This man just wants a slave. Your children are old enough not to need childcare. Presumably you'd get some tax credits until they're 18 and your husband would have to pay maintenance. If you go 50:50 then you'll end up still doing all the work and you can't claim maintenance - not sure about tax credits but I doubt it'll work in your favour.

Worriedaboutethics · 06/10/2022 12:02

@tartytowers

you need to talk to him.
sounds extremely selfish
i would write a long list as he will deny all

then you won’t forget

he appears to be having a laugh

LadyDanburysHat · 06/10/2022 12:04

It sounds like your life would be a lot easier as a single parent. Because you wouldn't be doing all of the running around after him too.

What positives does he bring to your life? It doesn't seem it would be much at all.

category12 · 06/10/2022 12:04

tartytowers · 06/10/2022 11:57

I honestly despair for my future. Part of me wants to just move out, rent my own flat, have the kids 50/50

What's stopping you?

If he loved you, he wouldn't treat you like the house elf - he'd at the very least step up when you're ill.

Plus it's not a great example for your kids to see - if you've daughters, would you want them slaving away while their partners do sod all? Would you want to see sons using their partners like this?

RatherBeRiding · 06/10/2022 12:06

Stop enabling his uselessness/selfishness. Stop giving him lifts - if his bloody hobbies mean that much to him he can sort out his own transport to/from. Stop cooking around his timetable - cook for yourself and the DC when it suits YOUR timetables.

Are you actually getting anything out of this relationship, or are you just his housekeeper? If the latter, then split - as PP said, he's acting like a single man so you might as well be a single parent yourself and life couldn't exactly get much more difficult for you anyway!

Pumpkinpatchlookinggood · 06/10/2022 12:07

Maybe the dc should be accompanying him to these hobbies..

Dery · 06/10/2022 12:08

“He's acting like a single man so why not put you all out of misery and split. It's sending a really bad message to your DC too seeing their Dad do as he pleases despite having a family.”

This. He sounds like a selfish prick. This is not how decent partners behave.

Hitatiks · 06/10/2022 12:09

tartytowers · 06/10/2022 11:57

I honestly despair for my future. Part of me wants to just move out, rent my own flat, have the kids 50/50

If this is possible, I would definitely do this.

Pollywoddles · 06/10/2022 12:10

He’s not adding anything to your life. In fact he’s just adding to your workload because you have a fourth person to look after as well as the kids and yourself. You might actually gain some time to yourself if he has the kids at least some of the time if you split although it sounds like they don’t see very much of him anyway.

You are not being unrealistic to expect more from your life, you only get one, make it what you want.

Pollywoddles · 06/10/2022 12:14

Oh and your kids are old enough to get themselves their tea and to do some basic chores like getting stuff ready for the next day, putting on a wash, folding their own clothes etc.

frozendaisy · 06/10/2022 12:18

Stop giving him lifts right now.

His night out his travel problems you are too busy.

That's one job off your list.

beonmywaythen · 06/10/2022 12:20

What a selfish prick

Badger1970 · 06/10/2022 12:21

DH is the same. I can't remember exactly what straw broke the camels back, but I stopped enabling him and can't tell you how liberating it is. I'll do his washing if I'm putting a load on but he sorts it out and puts it away/irons it (while chuntering under his breath the entire time). If he doesn't empty the bin, it stays full. Likewise the dishwasher. If the bins don't get put out, it's a PITA but life goes on. We have a cleaner now which takes out a lot of life stress. It's £30 for 2 hours a week and keens me sane.

You weren't born to be his slave, yet that's the exact role you've given yourself. It will only change when you stop.

Ohhhhladz · 06/10/2022 12:33

Nope. Household tasks and childcare get split fifty-fifty as a default; you can adjust if one of you has extra core responsibilities (longer regular working hours, school, caring responsibilities for extended family, etc.) You can assign some tasks to older children too, but be clear about who's responsible for helping, supervising, making sure those get done. Household responsibilities get done as a priority; hobbies and such come second. That doesn't mean no hobbies until housework is done, but that there's a plan for the responsible person to get the task done within an appropriate timeframe.

This may require a more formal accounting of tasks and timeframes if he's not able to pick up his half without direction. If he's not willing to cooperate on a plan to divide up shared work fairly, then splitting may be the only option. Just make sure he's taking on his full share of the childcare even if there are separate households.

Takeitonthechin · 06/10/2022 12:50

Tell him your his wife not his mother and expect to be treated so... if not pack his bags for him as he can't handle the bin bags never mind packing his bags and tell him to hop it

LannieDuck · 06/10/2022 13:03

What's his reasoning for him not having to do any household chores?

ChocolateSpreadOnToast · 06/10/2022 13:05

I can’t even grasp why you think you’re expecting too much. Just stop! Stop ferrying him around! He’s not your child.

What’s stopping you from leaving?

Aquamarine1029 · 06/10/2022 13:47

The only one keeping you in that misery is you. Raise the bar.

Toomanysleepycats · 06/10/2022 13:47

My husband had hobbies that took up all his time, plus he did nothing around the house. Children grown up and gone.I tried to change the situation, but he got angry and said it was my problem.

I started resenting all this, we ended up leading pretty separate lives. Inevitably I decided to call it quits. He still can’t understand he is the architect of his own demise.

He will be losing half our joint income and his cook, housemaid and bottle washer. He’s not happy.

Aggypanthus · 06/10/2022 13:55

The problem you have is that you have let all of this run on and on and not stopped any of it so how is he expected to know you are pissed off now?
I think you need to tell him some ground rules.
No more lifts to the hobbies - not because you are pissed off but because you don't have the time for starters.......
Then if he is not prepared to do it (insert job/task) for you then you are not doing it any more for him.
Its either this or go your separate ways.
We all deserve to be happy don't we?

UWhatNow · 06/10/2022 13:59

“You weren't born to be his slave, yet that's the exact role you've given yourself. It will only change when you stop.”

This ^^ you’ve enabled this behaviour all this time and modelled this doormat version of marriage to your children. It’s a problem largely of your own making.

girlmom21 · 06/10/2022 14:04

This is outrageous. Stop with the lifts. Stop sorting his meals. Just look after you and the kids.

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