Am I being unrealistic with relationship expectations or should I put up and shut up?

[tartytowers]

I've name changed for this.

Been with DH for over 20 years, and have two teenagers aged 16 and 13. DH has always been a bit selfish in terms of putting himself first rather than the kids when they arrived, but it just seems to get worse and worse and I don't know if I'm expecting too much.

Firstly, his fucking hobbies. He has, in the past two years gone back to playing snooker, which takes up two nights per week and one whole day at weekends for a tournament which is usually a Sunday. On Saturday in winter he does clay pigeon shooting for the whole day. Then Friday nights is always pub night with his mates.

I am expected to give him lifts to places so he can have a drink, and all he is focussed on all the time is his fucking hobbies; if he's going out that night then everything is 'working towards' that, and it's assumed I will cook tea, and sort out things for the next day, walk the dogs etc.

I do all stuff in the house anyway. He literally has two jobs to do; put rubbish out from the kitchen bin and put recycling out and half the time he leaves them until they're overflowing, too, then moans as no one else has done them. He'll never do anything like check we've got enough milk in the house, or wash anyone's bedding, or even put any laundry away. He always moans about mess though and expects me to cook for him!

He prioritises his hobbies and relaxation over family time. He will literally sit and watch tv all day if it's a weekend and he has no hobby/sport activity that day. He won't even make, say, sandwiches for lunch for everyone.

We have a business together, which we both work from home at, but I recently took a temporary full time job out of the home which I had to stop as I was literally getting home at midnight from late shifts and he'd have got the kids takeaway for tea and nothing was ready for the next day, and everywhere was a mess. He literally did nothing for the three months I worked full time.

I then had a flare up of an ongoing health condition that left me quite ill for about 6 weeks, and again he did nothing in that time, and I'm still trying to get on top of the mess and laundry.

Am I being unrealistic to think I was more from life than this? I just feel so down and fed up, all the time, and literally just work, cook, and clean, and just downtrodden.

and it's assumed I will cook tea, and sort out things for the next day, walk the dogs etc

Yes. It's because he feels entitled to this service and you are a useful P.A to have around to enable his hobbies. You're probably really good at it too, so he wouldn't be at all happy if you withdrew this from his life.

he leaves them until they're overflowing, too, then moans as no one else has done them

He doesn't want to do anything, basically. He views these tasks as optional, as a magnanimous favour he's doing for all of you. When he forgets to do these things or doesn't do them properly, he probably feels annoyed that it isn't done, because for God's sake, can't you do this one thing for him?? There is something quite self-pitying in that.

He always moans about mess though and expects me to cook for him

Because he sees it as your role. Your purpose in life as a woman is to serve his needs, to enable him to lead the life he wants to. You are a useful servant, an auxiliary, whilst he is the star of the show.

He prioritises his hobbies and relaxation over family time

Unless he didn't want to have children (which can cause issues like this), it's most likely because he sees taking care of children and entertaining them as your job. His job is to relax and enjoy himself.

I then had a flare up of an ongoing health condition that left me quite ill for about 6 weeks, and again he did nothing in that time, and I'm still trying to get on top of the mess and laundry

These are activities that only the subordinate class do. He will not lower himself to do them, even if his wife is ill. It's your job you see to manage your illness and make sure that you don't malfunction again.

Ugh. Depressing that this is even a thing in this day and age and every time you’ve taken a stand you’ve completely given in when he’s sulked or kicked off. He’s like a toddler and you’re an indulgent mother. Unhealthy.

It’s the kids I feel sorry for - selfish waste-of-space dick for a father and a complete wet wipe for a mother. Sorry op but there is only one way out of this and that is for you to get a grip and stop enabling this shit. Either he ships up or ships out. You clearly don’t want that though otherwise it would’ve been intolerable years ago… you probably have some soppy idea that’s he’s actually decent and sweet deep down. He isn’t. He’s treating you like a mug.

Why are you still with him? You get one life... and he's shitting all over it. You're letting him destroy your life.

Apologies if this is harsh - but you ARE downtrodden - by your own hand, by refusing to stand up for yourself. So what if he gets "crosser and crosser" if you stop running around after him? Why on earth do you put up with this? Surely you and your DC would be better off leaving him to it and making a life for yourselves away from him.

He surely won't change - why would he? He's got his hobbies, his housekeeper, his meals on the table. So if you want anything to change you are going to have to do it yourself I'm afraid.