Am I being unrealistic with relationship expectations or should I put up and shut up?

[tartytowers]

I've name changed for this.

Been with DH for over 20 years, and have two teenagers aged 16 and 13. DH has always been a bit selfish in terms of putting himself first rather than the kids when they arrived, but it just seems to get worse and worse and I don't know if I'm expecting too much.

Firstly, his fucking hobbies. He has, in the past two years gone back to playing snooker, which takes up two nights per week and one whole day at weekends for a tournament which is usually a Sunday. On Saturday in winter he does clay pigeon shooting for the whole day. Then Friday nights is always pub night with his mates.

I am expected to give him lifts to places so he can have a drink, and all he is focussed on all the time is his fucking hobbies; if he's going out that night then everything is 'working towards' that, and it's assumed I will cook tea, and sort out things for the next day, walk the dogs etc.

I do all stuff in the house anyway. He literally has two jobs to do; put rubbish out from the kitchen bin and put recycling out and half the time he leaves them until they're overflowing, too, then moans as no one else has done them. He'll never do anything like check we've got enough milk in the house, or wash anyone's bedding, or even put any laundry away. He always moans about mess though and expects me to cook for him!

He prioritises his hobbies and relaxation over family time. He will literally sit and watch tv all day if it's a weekend and he has no hobby/sport activity that day. He won't even make, say, sandwiches for lunch for everyone.

We have a business together, which we both work from home at, but I recently took a temporary full time job out of the home which I had to stop as I was literally getting home at midnight from late shifts and he'd have got the kids takeaway for tea and nothing was ready for the next day, and everywhere was a mess. He literally did nothing for the three months I worked full time.

I then had a flare up of an ongoing health condition that left me quite ill for about 6 weeks, and again he did nothing in that time, and I'm still trying to get on top of the mess and laundry.

Am I being unrealistic to think I was more from life than this? I just feel so down and fed up, all the time, and literally just work, cook, and clean, and just downtrodden.

I thought I was reading my own post. Exactly the same here, have been essentially a single mother for years, and I'd be better off making it official. The only one who's enabled this is me, and the only one who can put a stop to it and get my life back is me. Same for you OP. Do it.

Go on strike ! Do nothing for him . Just sort out yourself and kids . Its time to have it out with him and go on the strike until he agrees to pitch in .

Thanks for all the replies! Very much appreciated! 💖

I've tried striking in the past and he just got crosser with me about the house being messy. I've tried so many times to talk to him but he refuses to engage or gaslights me by saying he does loads, or brings up some very minor thing I did 15 years ago such as leaving a plate on the table.

He's also in a grumpy mood all the time, always complaining of minor ailments, yet is always well enough to do his hobbies or see friends

So why are you still with him?

Why are you tolerating this? Seriously, what is the reason? Are you afraid of him?

You must be aware that this isn’t how other people live, so what part of your expectations do you think may be unrealistic?

I posted earlier, and had the same problem as you. If I ever brought it up, he got angry and told me it was my fault. Genuinely thought he was always in the right and my expectations were unreasonable. If you can’t make them understand and they don’t want to because life is just fine and dandy for them, the only alternative is to leave.

My STBXH accuses me of wrecking his life and all his retirement plans. The problem was he made all these plans without any consideration for or consultation with me.

I suspect you’ll be making the decision to leave one day, and your DH will be as surprised as mine is.

Therapy helped me see things clearly.

Do it! Your life will be infinitely better!

That is a total disgrace. Please don't do this anymore. You are a human being, not a slave. I feel so sad for you. You have a right to enjoy your life.

Please make some changes asap. You are being treated very badly.

I could cry for you but tears will get you nowhere.

Make a stand, this is really awful.

After your first post my thought was 'Talk to him & tell him what you need" but as you've tried that, you're going to have to be brave, take a deep breath & say the hard thing.

Tell him you haven't been happy for a long while, you've tried to tell him but nothings changed, and now you want to discuss separation.

If you do nothing, this is your life.

I’m sorry you are dealing with this.

my husband is also a hobbyist. First golf, then shooting, then computer stuff, now painting models.. the list goes on. Anyway, last year it got out of hand, like ur husband, he was taking the absolute piss in terms of time and effort with everything else.

I was ready to leave him and had a plan mapped out before I approached him (I mean I had moaned lots before but it got to a point where I had had enough) and I basically said either you commit to your fair share at home and we compromise on equitable free time or I will leave you. I’m not one for making rash decisions and we have been together 10 years, but I realised unless there was long term change I would be happier with someone else. We also have kids.

i explained that I had considered what us breaking up would mean and how we could coparent etc but also that my life/ happiness was also important and I didn’t want to be an afterthought to someone’s hobby etc.

it was a hard conversation but he apologised, and has since stopped being an asshole. We both have nights to ourselves now, he has taken full control of some of the house stuff (so we don’t have to discuss who does what, we just have our own jobs) and we have a night a week where we do a hobby thing together.

I’m saying that it will defo play out like that for you, but I think what made the difference for me was that I had a fully planned out alternative, and he had a clear choice to make, me and his kids in our home as a family, or his hobbies, and a new place / partner / kids 50% of the time.

goodnluck with whatever you choose to do, I hope it gets better for you x

Contact a solicitor and start divorce proceedings. That is tragic. Stop putting yourself last. Nobody will thank you. Get the eff out and put yourself first. You are nothing but a slave. Seriously think about it.

My Ex was the same. Every spare minute was devoted to his hobby. It wasn't worth putting up with the whining and pouting and sulking if I forced him to do his share in the house.

I realised my life had shrunk down to work/chores/cooking, and it wasn't enough.

We split - he doesn't have DS 50/50 because as soon as he realised I wasn't going to enable him any more he moved 3 hours away to be near Mummy and his wider family, who pander to him.

And I'm so much happier. My relationships with children/family/friends are vastly improved, I've made some real changes to my life. It's amazing how much easier it is to look after a household if you haven't got a useless passenger taking up all your time and energy.

Good Luck. Life is too short to be miserable. I'm very proud I showed my kids that you can value yourself enough not to put up with someone else's shit. (and guilty that I didn't show them sooner)

Well done Startagain, that's the way to do it!!!!!!!

There is an old saying: you end up with what you are prepared to put up with!

@Pipsickl
@Startagain51

Similar stories.
Different outcomes
But both much happier for speaking out.

Inspiration for you OP?

Two words. Shirley Valentine.
Seriously OP, you have every right to be respected and important to your Husband/ Partner and he is definitely not doing either. It's often said and overused but the phrase You Only Get One Life is appropriate here. Don't spend it being a domestic slave. Oh and the kids are definitely old enough to be doing thier bit as well. Time to rise up, make significant changes and get YOUR life back. You deserve it.

What's in this for you?

I can full see how it suits him but what are you getting from it? Why put up with it?

I think you should do exactly this.

Only part of you wants to leave - what the hell does the other part of you want to stay for...??

Home life/marriage should be a team effort. 50/50 split, however that works for you. It's not necessarily you wash, he dries or 1 works the other looks after the house - it's more that both parties are happy that they're being supported to make sure what needs doing is done.

DH generally does more in the house than me because he's home more as he WFH so he does jobs in between meetings while I'm out of the house in work. Some days are meeting heavy and he gets less done so we tag team in the evening til it's done.

One of us makes a meal while the other takes the eldest to his hobbies.

The emphasis has to be on what works for you both and right now it's not working for you.

Stop facilitating his hobbies. Tell him you aren't offering lifts or meals to his schedule any more. And take a leaf out of the PP's book - tell him calmly that you are going to divorce him if the situation does not improve.

What on earth are you doing?? LEAVE. This is horrific.

(I know it's often more complicated, don't mean to sound unkind. But seriously: LEAVE. This is madness living like this.)

You would be soooo much happier without him! He brings nothing to your life.

Leave him and experience the wonderful feeling of freedom, instead of being weighed down by resentment all the time.

I'm literally astounded thst anyone would choose to live like this. Having no man is better than a crappy lazy one who doesn't give a shit about you (or his kids!!)

Guarantee you your life will get way better of you left him like a piece of dead wood and focused on yourself and your kids. You'd certainly have more time to dedicate to hobbies for yourself without doing his share of everything on top of ferrying him around.

He isnt behaving like a father or married man. Its awful just reading this Op.

Your kids will be off and grown soon....go out there and enjoy your own life