Selfish daughter

[fedupmother]

I would really appreciate some feedback. I will try and be as concise as possible. Long story short, I have a beautiful, intelligent 23 yr old daughter who I love dearly and am very proud of. She is bright and driven and has worked hard to gain a 1st class degree and is about to embark on the next step in a promising career. She had a lovely supportive boyfriend .
In short she is lovely to everyone but me.
Her dad and I divorced when she was 12 and she was a very unhappy teenager.. encouraged by her dad to be difficult. I tried everything, counselling, appealing to her dad for support but in the end it was mutually decided she would live with him as I couldn't cope with the atmosphere and didn't feel it was fair on her younger brother.
I told her I loved her but took a step back and waited for her to grow up a bit. She chose to have no contact with me for several years.
At some point a few years back we reconciled , lots of tears from both sides.. and I felt we'd really got back on track.
I've agreed to financially help support her thro the next step of her career and have worked a solid 6 day week for the last 6 months. Without complaint cos she's worth it.
My upset is I have taken her away on holiday abroad , we are here now and she has barely spoken to me all week, if she does it's one word answers and scathing at that.
Last day today and I have addressed it, asked what's wrong and told her I feel a bit hurt.
Her response is to just haughtily walk away, refuse to talk about it.
I'm so fed up with it.. it's been a long week. I understand we're different generations but this is so hard. My heart breaks .

That sounds very tough ... I don't think there's anything much you can do to change her attitude but you maybe need to try and concentrate on yourself. Clearly no more holidays. Don't try to be too much of a friend to your DD ... in fact think about how you would react if a friend treated you in a similar way. Adult DC can be very selfish ..I have one myself. During this summer our DS was home from Uni and a couple of times he and DH had a major falling out ... basically over selfish behaviour.

Take a step back ... easier said than done I know.

Have you both really worked through what she's carrying from her childhood and teens, or was the reconciliation a case of 'let's start afresh'?

I'm NC with my mother at the moment (and I'm not comparing you to her) but before that I couldn't spend an extended period of time around her because there was so much leftover stuff simmering in my body – just being in her presence sent me into fight-or-flight and I couldn't control it.

We don't speak now because we never fully addressed the past, and I know we never will.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that papering over the cracks won't hold for long, if that's what's happened. No matter how hard you're trying in the present, past trauma will always raise its head until it gets resolved.

(and incidentally, your thread title offers quite a different view of how you see your daughter than your OP does – so that might be worth noticing)

"Her dad and I divorced when she was 12 and she was a very unhappy teenager.. encouraged by her dad to be difficult. I tried everything, counselling, appealing to her dad for support but in the end it was mutually decided she would live with him as I couldn't cope with the atmosphere and didn't feel it was fair on her younger brother".

That is the root of her unhappiness now and she has not forgiven you for doing that when she was just 12. She was but a child at the time in her formative years and you doing this has hurt her deeply. She was also manipulated by her dad. Nothing to do with being of different generations. Have you talked to her like the adult she now is and shown full responsibility for your actions and choices together with real remorse in leaving her with her dad?. Financially helping her now is not in itself going to cut it with her, she may well think that after you've helped her financially you're going to leave again.

Does she have any sort of sibling relationship with her brother these days?.

She moved out when she was a young teenager becaue you didn’t want her to live there anymore

what did you think was going to hapken

you gave up on parents her because it was too hard for you

id be amazed if your relationship ever recovered

I mean you “took a step back” when she was still a dependant teenager.

honestly. I mean I’m sure you’ll blame her father and everyone but yourself. But that’s a really shocking thing to do.

Look, as upsetting as it is for you to have paid for a holiday and be treated rudely by your daughter, you also need to acknowledge that no amount of holidays or financial incentives are going to heal your broken relationship with her. You say you have gotten back on track after years of estrangement, but what does that mean in reality? How much soul searching and honest discussion was there? How did you make amends and take responsibility for (as she likely sees it) abandoning her as a teenager when she was going through some very traumatic times? Because if "back on track" means swept it all under the rug and started afresh, well I'm afraid there is where the problem lies. I recognise myself in your description of your daughter. I think my parents would also have described me as selfish. And I was to a degree. I was also hurt to the very core of my being by their actions and subsequent denial of my feelings and it came out in a visceral rage, well into an age where I was too old to act like a teenager. I also viewed any of the financial approaches they made as "guilt money". At 37 looking back I am certain it was "guilt money". They did not have the ability or will to actually do the work required to fix a broken relationship, and couldn't accept the shame of admitting they were poor parents to me and my brother, so they threw money at us instead. As a teenager and young adult I took the money, and if anything it angered me more. As a woman nearing middle age I wouldn't touch it with a bargepole. It took me years to finally accept our broken relationship for what it was and step back from it. If you continue down the road you are on it may be that you and your daughter end up in the same place.

No , I fought very hard to keep her with me and her brother, it was her that decided the grass was greener with her dad. Everything I said and did was wrong. Her happiness and well being always came first. I felt defeated and like a failure as a mother when she wanted to live with her dad.
I didn't instigate the divorce , he left us but I was always did everything I could to make sure they both had a good relationship with their dad. That was never returned , I was always the villain .
I love my daughter and did everything to enable her happiness. I'm just worn out now from being trodden on.

I wasn't a poor parent to my daughter. Her father left us , I didn't desert them. I was and am a good mum.

I knew the justifications would come .

you were just worn out. everoyine else’s fault. You tried everything possible. poor you always the victim. you just couldn’t cope with her living with you.

you with no power and her - the twelve year old - having. All the power (and responsibility).

she was a young teenager. you did fail as a parent.

this is the result.

Also, I think you've accidentally posted from two accounts, OP.

But yes, as pp said....the justifications. You were helpless, she had all the power. Something to think about.

This is one of those threads where it's impossible to give advice really, because your daughter will have her version of all this, and it certainly won't tally with yours.

You can look deep inside yourself and try to understand her perspective. She may feel she shouldn't have to, as when past events took place she was a child. Ultimately you have some responsibility for the way she has turned out, as does her father. You will only be able to forge a relationship with her by giving her absolute unconditional love. You mention working six days a week, then say it's ok, she's worth it. Why mention it then? It clearly is in your mind that you deserve some form of emotional reward for your efforts. She doesn't owe you that.

I never made it clear, apologies. She was seventeen when she decided to live with her dad. In the 5 years before she was with me. I couldn't stop her leaving at 17.

It unfortunately sounds like you have not worked through any of her hurt with her and are now trying to buy her.

I’ve just read you first post and realised you said thst you took a step back to wait until she’s grown up a bit!!!!

do you not understand that the role of a parent is to support and look after a child while they are growing up? Not to wait until they are grown up to reestablish a relationship?

jesus wept.

You need to understand something about teenage brains OP.

They can't always foresee the consequences of their actions. They can't always see how their actions affect others. They can't always weight risks vs benefits of choices. They can't always control their impulses and emotions.

This isn't their fault. Their brains aren't fully developed until they're around 25.

@Fattybumbah perhaps read all the posts before being so judgemental. The daughter chose to move in with her dad at 17 and tbh even if it was earlier than that, what do you think the OP should have done? She couldn't force a teenager to live with her. Neither the police nor solice services would get involved if the teen is happy living with her dad.

But there must have been a valid (in her daughters eyes) reason for her to go no contact with her mother for several years. I dont believe we are getting the full story here.

She mostly refused any counselling , this refusal was encouraged by her dad. We have talked at length about the past and both acknowledged our part. I really thought we had turned a corner.
Are you suggesting I don't help her out financially, won't that be seen as spiteful or control. Or if I do am I as someone suggested buying her.
I don't know what to do anymore.
I can't make her talk , she just refuses .

I wholeheartedly agree with this; my father left me when I was young, moved abroad and started a new family. We had a relationship, but he kept doing dreadful things and eventually I went NC. I saw him recently (at my instigation), and we talked briefly about why I’d been NC, but he kept brushing my hurt away and saying “we’ll let’s look to the future now”, and it hurt a lot. I’ve gone into hiding again as it’s all just too much for me.

Gently check with her if she’s still hurting; she will likely appreciate the empathy.

OP, you are getting a hard time on here. Obviously only you and your DD know the truth about your past difficult relationship, but I am struck by the fact that your DD’s sudden apparent “reconciliation” occurred when she needed your money.
Once you had slogged through the extra hours, handed over the cash and also paid for her holiday, she reverted to type.
Teenage girls often idolise their dad and demonise their mother. It’s part of adolescence, asserting themselves as separate to, and in competition with, their mother. Much as teen lads often lock horns with their dads.
I think it unfortunate that in your DD’s case, this stage coincided with the divorce, and she was all too willing to be manipulated by dad, play you off against him, and cast you as the villain. I don’t think she has ever actually moved on from this or developed a mature adult perspective on it. Indeed, time seems to have hardened it.
I think your only choice is to either undertake joint counselling with her, to unpick all this, which would mean being willing to try and understand why she is reacting this way, and accepting that you may have (even unwittingly) partly contributed to it - or give up and go no contact with her, to protect yourself from further hurt.

Children who have been parented well don’t decide to leave home and go no contact at the age of 17

I don't feel I deserve emotional rewards. I do feel I deserve better than the way I am spoken to. I'm not a dog.

Not surprised to hear it’s about what you deserve OP