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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Selfish daughter

65 replies

fedupmother · 06/10/2022 08:54

I would really appreciate some feedback. I will try and be as concise as possible. Long story short, I have a beautiful, intelligent 23 yr old daughter who I love dearly and am very proud of. She is bright and driven and has worked hard to gain a 1st class degree and is about to embark on the next step in a promising career. She had a lovely supportive boyfriend .
In short she is lovely to everyone but me.
Her dad and I divorced when she was 12 and she was a very unhappy teenager.. encouraged by her dad to be difficult. I tried everything, counselling, appealing to her dad for support but in the end it was mutually decided she would live with him as I couldn't cope with the atmosphere and didn't feel it was fair on her younger brother.
I told her I loved her but took a step back and waited for her to grow up a bit. She chose to have no contact with me for several years.
At some point a few years back we reconciled , lots of tears from both sides.. and I felt we'd really got back on track.
I've agreed to financially help support her thro the next step of her career and have worked a solid 6 day week for the last 6 months. Without complaint cos she's worth it.
My upset is I have taken her away on holiday abroad , we are here now and she has barely spoken to me all week, if she does it's one word answers and scathing at that.
Last day today and I have addressed it, asked what's wrong and told her I feel a bit hurt.
Her response is to just haughtily walk away, refuse to talk about it.
I'm so fed up with it.. it's been a long week. I understand we're different generations but this is so hard. My heart breaks .

OP posts:
Mischiefofmice · 06/10/2022 10:28

Thank you for your kind messages. I need sensible advice , I don't need bullying and being told I'm a rubbish mum when I know I'm not.
She doesn't have the same vitriol to her dad and I feel I'm def the fall guy.
I desperately want a good relationship with her and she knows that, she knows how much I love her. She makes me feel pathetic in my need to love her.

Fattybumbah · 06/10/2022 10:39

Still about your needs OP - and how she’s responsible for them

but I can see you won’t listen

graceinspace999 · 06/10/2022 10:43

First time poster here. But it’s hard to read some of the judgemental responses here without sharing a little of my personal experience of this.

I had a difficult separation with a difficult man. My daughter was 12 at the time and she totally sided with him.

On his access says he went to the pub and left her alone. I had to stop this. He was offered daytime but didn’t want it.

My daughter blamed me because she wasn’t seeing her father who subsequently emigrated and lost contact.

He was the easy going, popular charmer while I did the boring stuff like looking after her.

As she got older she became angry, insulting, and abusive which escalated to being violent and destructive at 14.

I tried counselling and various therapy but she abused the therapists.

I am not sure if anyone can understand how terrifying an out of control teenager can be. The OP needs solid support not criticism.

My advice to OP is to seek as much support as you can, see a counsellor, talk to parent line or similar.

You are probably in bits and maybe more so now after some of the scathing remarks (be kind?)

I’m afraid your daughter may have entrenched herself. But she is an adult and abusive behaviour is not acceptable and you do NOT deserve that.

Try to do nothing right now.

Put your oxygen mask on now and learn to float.

I wish you the best of luck.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 06/10/2022 10:44

She mostly refused any counselling , this refusal was encouraged by her dad.

Stop blaming your ex. She is an adult now and in charge of her own decisions.

You chose to step back. And the repercussions from that can go on for years.

It doesn't sound as if you are reconciled at all. I''m confused as to why you offered to take her on holiday in the first place (a week together is pretty intense) and also why she agreed.

You seem to be putting it all on her. What has your behaviour been like?

Mischiefofmice · 06/10/2022 10:46

Fattybumbah... why are you so consistently nasty?

ZeroFuchsGiven · 06/10/2022 10:48

Mischiefofmice · 06/10/2022 10:46

Fattybumbah... why are you so consistently nasty?

Maybe she has gone through this herself but in your daughters shoes?

Mischiefofmice · 06/10/2022 10:49

My behaviour is that I'm a walkover. I know I am but I m scared to make waves or standup for myself. She walks all over me and I let her.

Mischiefofmice · 06/10/2022 10:54

I do blame my ex husband tho in some ways. He actively discouraged her from attending counselling with me and actively encouraged her to disrespect me. Even now he gloats at the result , it's so hard.

Cm078 · 06/10/2022 10:56

My sister was similar. She left home at 13 to live with her friend & their parents. She went off the rails!
Now at 27 her answer is "she didn't feel loved"
So i would start there. Her and my mum now get on well but my sister is very cold. As am i, and as is my mum. I'm guessing there was some truth in what my sister felt, I just pushed it to 1 side. Me and my mum are no longer close, her and my sister are.
I hope you work things out. Must be heartbreaking

baileys6904 · 06/10/2022 10:58

Ffs, all these experts that clearly know more about your life than you do. Always baffles me why we haven't got more lottery winners when we clearly have so many psychics on thr board
OP I am the child in your situation. Am nc with my mum and lived with my dad but with domestic violence, affairs and neglect all wrapped in there.
I haven't spoken to my mum for years but I don't feel angry to her anymore. I actually feel nothing, which is probably worse. However I know and more importantly understand her decisions from then.
She is clearly still dealing with anger and resentment. Maybe it's easier being mad at you than it is her dad? My dad did some really shitty things but I still have a natural loyalty to him and less so my mum. I know that you suggested counselling when she was younger, perhaps suggests it again. Acknowledge she's upset and how you feel but ask how you both move forward. Has something recently triggered memories?

Maybe this is one of those times you just have to be there and let her sort her own feelings out. Maybe you're pushing too much on her and that's throwing her off?
Talk to her and listen to her. Don't try and blame her dad or create narrative. She'll have her memories which may not tie into yours.

angstridden2 · 06/10/2022 11:00

i can only assume there are some very unhappy people on MN who seek to make themselves feel better by being deeply unpleasant to people who are struggling. Very sad.

Fattybumbah · 06/10/2022 11:06

See once again - you’re a walkover and she walks all over her

you are totally failing to take any responsibility for the relationship and making her totally responsible for it

it is much easier for you to not accept responsibility for anything and make your daughter responsible for it.

but it’s hardly a surprise that this does not work so well for your daughter

Your ex husband may well have been a complete arsehole - that has nothing to do with you taking responsibility for your relationship with your daughter

I imagine she spent her teenage years propping you up emotionally - which I also imagine you will deny and wail about how you where just so powerless

Fattybumbah · 06/10/2022 11:07

Well the OP wanted advice. That’s my advice 🤷‍♀️

Successgirl2022 · 06/10/2022 11:20

I would also invite my friend for some company if I knew she would be like that on holiday with me.

Successgirl2022 · 06/10/2022 11:22

angstridden2 · 06/10/2022 11:00

i can only assume there are some very unhappy people on MN who seek to make themselves feel better by being deeply unpleasant to people who are struggling. Very sad.

I agree.

baileys6904 · 06/10/2022 11:23

@Fattybumbah u OK hun?

Successgirl2022 · 06/10/2022 11:27

Mischiefofmice · 06/10/2022 10:46

Fattybumbah... why are you so consistently nasty?

Yes, there is absolutely no need to be like that.

Ragwort · 06/10/2022 11:32

You need to be tough and not let her walk all over you, she seems to have all the power in this relationship. Yes, mistakes may have been made, on both sides, but try not to be so dependent on your DD for crumbs of affection. What is the rest of your life like? Do you have a job you enjoy? Friends? Hobbies etc?

Successgirl2022 · 06/10/2022 11:33

graceinspace999 · 06/10/2022 10:43

First time poster here. But it’s hard to read some of the judgemental responses here without sharing a little of my personal experience of this.

I had a difficult separation with a difficult man. My daughter was 12 at the time and she totally sided with him.

On his access says he went to the pub and left her alone. I had to stop this. He was offered daytime but didn’t want it.

My daughter blamed me because she wasn’t seeing her father who subsequently emigrated and lost contact.

He was the easy going, popular charmer while I did the boring stuff like looking after her.

As she got older she became angry, insulting, and abusive which escalated to being violent and destructive at 14.

I tried counselling and various therapy but she abused the therapists.

I am not sure if anyone can understand how terrifying an out of control teenager can be. The OP needs solid support not criticism.

My advice to OP is to seek as much support as you can, see a counsellor, talk to parent line or similar.

You are probably in bits and maybe more so now after some of the scathing remarks (be kind?)

I’m afraid your daughter may have entrenched herself. But she is an adult and abusive behaviour is not acceptable and you do NOT deserve that.

Try to do nothing right now.

Put your oxygen mask on now and learn to float.

I wish you the best of luck.

Have you managed to rebuild a good relationship with your daughter now?

How old is she now?

Successgirl2022 · 06/10/2022 11:34

Ragwort · 06/10/2022 11:32

You need to be tough and not let her walk all over you, she seems to have all the power in this relationship. Yes, mistakes may have been made, on both sides, but try not to be so dependent on your DD for crumbs of affection. What is the rest of your life like? Do you have a job you enjoy? Friends? Hobbies etc?

I agree.

mumsie8 · 06/10/2022 11:36

I just read these posts and think wow, how can posters know so much from a snapshot of an opening post? And then to be nasty, cruel, scathing with it.

It's obvious that yes, op and her DD clearly have ongoing trauma and hurt from the past and none of us will ever know the un abridged version of their life up to this point but honestly, to be so cutting when someone is reaching out, to seemingly be unable to at least take at face value what is being shared and offer support in a constructive manner is nothing more than bullying.

I have no real advice to give OP other than if things are as bad as you feel they are, maybe taking a step back, tell your daughter you love her but you cannot spend the rest of your life being her emotional punchbag. You would like to work through and help her and you come to terms with the past and that maybe some aspects of it she won't do but that's ok, that's life sometimes. But she has to want to do it and until that point you'll be waiting, no judgment, no time limit just the fact that you love her and will continue to do so.

Dery · 06/10/2022 11:43

Everyone gets some things wrong and some things right in parenting.

It does sound a bit as if you’re laying the entire blame for the relationship breakdown on her and your ex. To the extent you’re accepting fault it’s in that kind of ‘flaw which really a quality way’ ie you were too giving etc.

I’m sure you did your best and that your best was often very good. But your DD isn’t going to accept a narrative that the breakdown was entirely down to her and her father and you can’t expect her to. And it’s almost certainly more complicated than that. So maybe if you can adjust your mindset around that, it might help. It’s what PP above have said about addressing the emotional side of it rather than just providing financial treats.

Not to say your DD is being entirely reasonable but there may be ways you can take on a bit more of the emotional burden here.

Eatingjumper · 06/10/2022 12:01

Mischiefofmice · 06/10/2022 10:14

She mostly refused any counselling , this refusal was encouraged by her dad. We have talked at length about the past and both acknowledged our part. I really thought we had turned a corner.
Are you suggesting I don't help her out financially, won't that be seen as spiteful or control. Or if I do am I as someone suggested buying her.
I don't know what to do anymore.
I can't make her talk , she just refuses .

Not suggesting you don't help her financially, but I'd be very wary of the potential to use money to buy a relationship, or even the appearance of doing so. The proverbial "strings attached". For example, this thread is titled "selfish daughter" and in it you have detailed that you've taken her on a holiday, paid for by you, and you work 6 days a week to support her financially. Fair enough, but you are also therefore disappointed she isn't nicer to you and doesn't seem to like you very much. It doesn't take a genius read between the lines of what you are saying and link "I've paid for X and she still doesn't like me". By all means support her how you wish, but you have to also accept that money will not make your relationship with your daughter better or stop her being angry with you.

Ohhmydays · 06/10/2022 12:15

Mischiefofmice · 06/10/2022 10:14

She mostly refused any counselling , this refusal was encouraged by her dad. We have talked at length about the past and both acknowledged our part. I really thought we had turned a corner.
Are you suggesting I don't help her out financially, won't that be seen as spiteful or control. Or if I do am I as someone suggested buying her.
I don't know what to do anymore.
I can't make her talk , she just refuses .

There is nothing u can do I’m afraid op. I moved in with my dad at 14, he and my mum were in the final stage of divorce to and I also got a letter asking who I wanted to live with and had to sign without any parent being present. I could have put neighbours dwn lol joking aside I done this thinking grass was greener, dad was always working never in the house n me n my sister constantly fought wen I stayed with my mum. barely spoke to my mum until I moved out my dads to my own house and now me and my mum are really close and speak every other day on the phone.

rookiemere · 06/10/2022 12:17

I can't comment on a lot of what has been said, but what I would say is a holiday with just the two of you presumably sharing a room, is a very intense situation to be in if the relationship has been fractious before.

You'll have had selfish as well as selfless reasons for wanting her to come - company perhaps - and I'd just caution against any big emotional gestures at this point. Get through the holiday and chalk it up to experience.