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Original poster

Long term affair - Should I stay or leave?

64 replies

Energetictriangle123 · 05/10/2022 21:36

I discovered 10 days ago that my husband has had a 10 month long-distance affair involving messaging for an hour per day, video calling and meeting on three separate occasions for a few days at a time. The affair ended late last year when he ghosted her. I found out through email (and emailed the OW who has told all), yet my husband has only admitted to a one night stand (which is when the OW emailed), but he hasn't denied the affair and blames it on a 'mental health crisis' (which makes me wonder if he's not taking responsibility).

We have been married for 5 years, together for 9. I'm in my late twenties and we don't have children. We are currently living in the same house, but in separate rooms. He hasn't been saying much, apart from small talk... I can't work out whether he's given me the space I requested or just unbothered.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? Did you stay or leave and how did it turn out? Do you have any other advice or pearls of wisdom please?

Thank you in advance for your advice.

OP posts:
MadMadMadamMim · 05/10/2022 21:39

I would leave.

There is absolutely nothing to keep you with a man who repeatedly and lengthily betrayed you. He's scum.

Please don't stay - or you are letting him know that he can behave as badly as he likes and you will tolerate it.

Devon01 · 05/10/2022 21:40

I think you know what the majority of people are going to say and it's obviously leave.

Also, if you've asked for space and time and he's doing as you ask, then I think it's only right you approach him if and when you're ready to talk, not wait for him to ignore your wishes, giving you even more reason to be angry at him.

category12 · 05/10/2022 21:40

Oh, leave, you don't have kids, leave, leave, leave.

Sorry, but it's not worth trying to work it out IMO. 10 months of cheating is a lot of lying and disrespect, and it breaks the trust. And when you forgive something like this, they kind of expect you to put up with anything. My experience was that I tried to move past it, but he cheated again. I wish I'd gone first time round.

Mooloolabababy · 05/10/2022 21:44

10 months is a long time to betray someone. With no dcs tying you to him and with you only being in your 20s I would leave without a second thought. You can start again with someone who will respect you.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 05/10/2022 21:47

Late 20s and no kids ?
run run run and don’t look back x

belimoo · 05/10/2022 21:51

Agree with others, you're too young and free to consider putting up with this. You're very much young enough to start again with someone who will treat you with the loyalty and respect you deserve. I can't imagine you'd ever get the trust back with this one and that would ultimately be soul destroying.

OldTinHat · 05/10/2022 21:53

I was in a similar situation at your age and same length of time. Difference was that I was pregnant and the stress caused a miscarriage after I found out.

I ran far, far away and never looked back. I recommend you do the same.

Many years later I met up with his uncle in a business situation. He said he'd always liked me, XH had cocked up with me and apparently continued to do so with weddings being cancelled days or weeks before when the brides to be found out he was shagging elsewhere and promising undying love and proposing marriage. As they say, leopards don't change their spots...

rockbottombird · 05/10/2022 22:10

Run, for the hills. Thank goodness you have no children.

OnTheBrinkOfChange · 05/10/2022 22:26

No children? Definitely leave. You are in the prime of your life. He has cheated on you repeatedly and shown you no respect in that time. It sounds now as though he's lying low and hoping you'll forget about it.

FamSender · 05/10/2022 22:28

Leave

Iliveonahill · 05/10/2022 22:30

He will do it again. I would leave. You will never have that unconditional trust ever again.

CheapMustard · 05/10/2022 22:34

You’re in your late-twenties, you have no children… RUN LIKE THE WIND!!

It may seem the hardest thing right now, but honestly, time is a great healer. Don’t put yourself through the trauma of trying to make it work.
Best of luck & take care.

KitchenSupper · 05/10/2022 22:34

A friend of mine was in hospital for five days having her baby. When she arrived home she realised another woman had been sleeping in her bed.
Don’t risk your future containing this kind of absolute bs, put him in the bin now and enjoy your fresh start.

Cas112 · 05/10/2022 22:45

I bet it's not his only affair...

Lulibee · 05/10/2022 22:46

Leave. He’s clearly not satisfied and that won’t change. See yourselves free.

Sunnytwobridges · 05/10/2022 22:50

Definitely leave. He's doing this already, he will definitely do it again. And probably has done it in the past.

H112 · 06/10/2022 03:47

Leave. You deserve so much more. Hold your head high you've done nothing here.

You're so young. Get rid.

MargotMoon · 06/10/2022 03:52

Write down all the reasons to stay.

Then cross out 'because I love him'

Because honestly that's not worth more than your self respect, dignity and self esteem

Then see what you have left and go from there

LHReturns · 06/10/2022 03:54

My mother stayed with my stepfather after he had an affair. She has never been the same since. Please leave. You deserve better and you will recover.

MsDogLady · 06/10/2022 04:59

@Energetictriangle123, I recall your other thread. He has zero remorse or respect for you. It’s preposterous that he perpetrated a 10 month affair, including when you were TTC, and is only admitting to a ONS. He initially told you he didn’t even know OW’s name.

He lied to OW that he was single, and she has filled you in on his double life and web of lies. He really did a number on both of you. Why on earth would you reconcile with this lying cretin who doesn’t even respect you enough to come clean? You’d be mad to put your life in his hands. You so deserve a decent, faithful, honest partner.

AgentJohnson · 06/10/2022 05:11

Why would you stay? He sounds horrible and deserve better.

autocollantes · 06/10/2022 05:12

If he'd been open and admitted to everything it would be one thing. Terrible and unforgivable, but at least something. What he's doing is still lying to you. He's not remorseful. Just like those ten long months, he's more concerned about himself and managing his life to suit him, and him alone, than even thinking of what works for you as a couple, never mind prioritising you.

He does not see you as a team of equals.

There are some cases where it's remotely possible that a couple can work together after the affair to stay together. The key ingredients though are the affair partner has to be proactively 110% open and understand the lasting deep pain their actions have caused. And take 110% responsibility.

This guy is admitting to 1 out of 304 days (counting Jan to October).He doesn't respect you and he doesn't respect your relationship. Don't invest your energy in anything other than building a wonderful life for yourself without this dragging anchor.

And who cares if he's giving you the space you asked for? Giving you space doesn't even factor on the things he should be doing to try and make up for the unforgivable. Be careful with the questions you ask yourself, because they can lead you down useless rabbit holes.

fallfallfall · 06/10/2022 05:13

Sounds like he’s already checked out both physically and emotionally.
whether you think you could stay or not, sounds like he has plans to go on without you sooner than you think.

autocollantes · 06/10/2022 05:21

Also, don't wonder why you didn't know he was like this or didn't know he was having an affair.

This man is a manipulator. Even now he's got your attention diverted from what he's done to whether he's being respectful by keeping out of your way, or not.

Nobody's ideal loving, committed relationship is one where they're constantly looking for ways their partner could be out to manipulate or hurt them and checking if they're possibly being manipulated (so well that they can't tell it's happening). That would be very unhealthy behaviour in a relationship. Your behaviour and expectations were healthy. His behaviour is far from it, and is 100% down to him.

MountainChalet · 06/10/2022 05:24

No children... I wouldn't even think twice. Leave or kick him out.

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