Long term affair - Should I stay or leave?

[Energetictriangle123]

I discovered 10 days ago that my husband has had a 10 month long-distance affair involving messaging for an hour per day, video calling and meeting on three separate occasions for a few days at a time. The affair ended late last year when he ghosted her. I found out through email (and emailed the OW who has told all), yet my husband has only admitted to a one night stand (which is when the OW emailed), but he hasn't denied the affair and blames it on a 'mental health crisis' (which makes me wonder if he's not taking responsibility).

We have been married for 5 years, together for 9. I'm in my late twenties and we don't have children. We are currently living in the same house, but in separate rooms. He hasn't been saying much, apart from small talk... I can't work out whether he's given me the space I requested or just unbothered.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? Did you stay or leave and how did it turn out? Do you have any other advice or pearls of wisdom please?

Thank you in advance for your advice.

Oh gosh I’d leave. No kids and young - there’s no way I’d carry on. Especially given his lack of heartfelt remorse - ‘mental health crisis’ my arse.

Plenty of men struggle with their MH it doesn’t mean they have sex with other women. Remind him his penis is not actually where his brain is.

Your married to man who has been cheating on you for 10 months. You found this out and he lied and denied that it happened. Eventually he told you that it was a one night stand when you knew it was far more.

You only in your late 20's and you have no children. He decided to cheat on you because of his poor mental health. The truth was he cheated on you because he thought the grass was greener elsewhere. He told the other woman he was single. He also thought you never find out.

During this time you were trying for a baby as well. I know men like him happy to have a wife at home to make his life easier but they still need to feel that they can get another woman.
Any time life gets difficult at home they are off hunting for a new woman because a new woman will listen to him, give him plenty of sex and put him 1st. Meanwhile his wife is at home dealing with kids, house ect.

I know a man who cheated on his wife. She gave him another chance because she wanted her marriage to work for the sake of their 2 young kids. He cheated on her again and she kicked him out. He had a lovely wife, kids and lived in a nice house in a good area but is now living in a bedsit in a horrible part of the city.

I know another man who cheated as well. He got married to his wife after she had his 1st child. People told her not to marry him as he had been seen chatting up and kissing other woman several times on nights out. Within a few years they had 2 more kids.

He came home one day and told his wife that his new girlfriend was now 5 months pregnant with twins, he was leaving her and moving abroad as his girlfriend had relations their.

She was left dealing with him going, having less money and they had to leave their house because she could not afford the mortgage. She moved back home to her parents home.
Along with this one of the kids became a handful because they could not understand why dad was gone. He did not care about anyone but himself.

I know it hard and horrible for you at the moment but at least you don't have kids with him. You need to tell him its over and to move on with your own life. You can meet another better man who wants the same as you and won't cheat on you either.

Absolutely the best thing to do is end marriage. There is no reason not to sadly.

He cheats after 5 years of marriage for almost a year of that ? …. Imagine having children and him doing it again which he would undoubtedly do. So much harder when you have children.

Make the break now while you are young enough to go ahead and meet someone else who does want to be with you.

And Sorry -its really horrendous for you… I know how hard it is to get over your husband cheating but ultimately you will be happier in future

Late 20s and no kids? Leave. 10 months isn't a one off mistake, it's a huge amount of lying and organisation to hide things from you.

I would guess he isn't going against his own desperate wishes to talk things through and apologise, held back by your request for space. I would guess he is making the most of the peace before you do finally ask him to explain himself fully, with no bullshit.

He's not even taking responsibility, is he? You can do better. I'm assuming this is your only serious relationship? It doesn't have to be like this.

Sorry to read this, what a shit. Classically trying to minimise.

What is your head and your heart telling you Op? I think you know what people on here will say.

In my 20s I was with a guy who serially cheated. I was in love with him. Eventually he dumped me and I was crushed. Childish but true, I wish I could go back in time and dump him first, my self esteem would have been boosted no end. Don’t wait for him to bin you when he eventually meets someone he wants to be with more , do it first. Autocollantes post rang very true to me.

Yes because the innate response to a mental health crisis is to go and stick your bits into another woman…fucking moron.

In your shoes OP I wouldn’t even bother trying to mend things, you’re young with no children. Start again with someone who gives enough of a shit to at least take responsibility for their actions.

Go - before you end up late 40s, 3 children, married for 20 years and finding out he has been having an affair for 7 years….

You’re young and don’t have kids with him. Don’t walk… Run!!!

Leave. It is shit I know, but leave.
I think for me it is not just the affair but the lack of taking total responsibility for what he has done.

Finding about about infidelity whether it was one night or a long affair breaks you (well it broke me)
If the other person isn't totally honest, reflects in their mistake, works on themselves to find out why it happened, how they need to change to ensure it doesn't ever happen again then they are leaving you to completely rebuilt yourself on your own on foundation that are broken.

I am 7 years on from finding out my dh cheated, but it was only 3 months ago that he finally admitted exactly what had happened (it was one night and he played with places he shouldnt)
The lack of admission afterwards, the blaming being drunk and lonely (even though they discussed it all in code days afterwards and in a positive way, no remorse between them), the fact that he never tried to atone or seek outside help for why he would do that to his wife and young child has been a crack in our marriage ever since.
It has slowly built to a massive crater and we are now thinking of separating. He doesn't want to and I am no longer full of anger so it's really difficult to push forward with separating. It's dragging and I feel unsure, even though I know I deserve better than someone who had the capacity to do what he did, even though it was a long time ago.

You don't have kids, so make the hard choice while it is easier. We have 2 and own a home, and at the moment it's the kids that are the only reason why this is so hard to follow through on, but I know I can't be happy in our marriage.

He lied, shows no remorse or wishes to atone. End it now

I would leave. You are young with no children, what's tying you down to this man?