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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Need help ending an affair

86 replies

MayDeclove · 25/01/2008 20:55

I am in an affair that I know I have to end. Besides the fact that I am 24 years older than him(51 / 27) we are both married. We have talked endlessly about the fact that we both know that this would never work even if we were both single. We agree that in another life if the same age and single that we would have been the love of each other's life.
We are in love and yet we know it has to end. We have tried several times and always come back to each other. We have never had sex, however the emotional bond is overwhelming. It truly has controlled my life for the past 4+ months. I know I need to end this but I just can't seem to make myself do it. Could use some help!!!

OP posts:
JanetDicky · 25/01/2008 21:09

You are old enough to be his mum that is gross. Plus how would you like it done to you?

yellowmellow · 25/01/2008 21:09

I'm in a similar situation and the fact that its 4months old is key. If youve never slept together you won't get over this easily. That emotional bond thing is fed by the "what if" factor and is stronger than a teenager's hormones. It could and probably will go on for months, but in the end,no relationship, no matter what the source or circumstances can stand no sex. I know its not easy but you either have to sit it out with no sex and suffer or give him up or suffer, not helpful advice I know but, if you think you are going to separate anyway, I think, after my recent experiences I would just sleep with him and get it out of my system

yellowmellow · 25/01/2008 21:10

And can anyone with useless judgmental comments like that just move to another thread?

Anna8888 · 25/01/2008 21:10

Don't end it. Live it out. That is the only way to end it - because you will get there if you stop hesitating.

Anna8888 · 25/01/2008 21:11

x post with yellowmellow

Carmenere · 25/01/2008 21:12

What an odd attitude Janet. Morally dubious yes, gross no.
OP why are you having an affair?

noranora · 25/01/2008 21:14

hi,
i think what you need to do is to embroden your social life.
you said you didnt have sex with him, you dont know him very much, maybe you both idealizing each other.
you didnt live together, so you dont know how it would be in a real relationship.
i know it is hard, but try to focus on other things maybe.
good luck
x

yellowmellow · 25/01/2008 21:15

agree with anna8888 its the fact youve never experienced the full blown thing with all that entails that lends this its shine. I would sleep with him and see how i felt then - it might clarify what you want and help you end it or not -

Shaniece · 25/01/2008 21:17

WHAT? Sleep with him and see how you feel?? WTF? Shall I come around to your place and shag your DH's? How would you feel about that?? I can't believe you are encouraging someone to have an affair.

cosima · 25/01/2008 21:17

sometimes you can be completely in love with someone but to be with them is too much trouble. I am allergic to beer, there is an anlogy for you

cosima · 25/01/2008 21:18

analogy

Anna8888 · 25/01/2008 21:21

Shaniece - much better my DP has a quick fling and realises he's made a mistake than pines after some woman for months and destroys our relationship pointlessly

Shaniece · 25/01/2008 21:22

Buy maybe he will realise he hasn't made a mistake .

QuintessentialShadow · 25/01/2008 21:25

Ok.
You sound like my friend, although she is not married, and she has no children.

Hang on. Why is she not married, and why does she not have children?

She has been with a married man 25 years plus her senior for the last 7 years.

Just get out. She was as stupid as you are.
Ending an affair should be no harder than saying the magic words "It is over". Then walk away.

Anna8888 · 25/01/2008 21:27

Well, in that case the relationship is over, so why not know that?

QuintessentialShadow · 25/01/2008 21:28

Anna. For ONCE I disagree with you.

Having sex will not end it. It might make the bonds stronger, if not on OPs part, then maybe on her lovers part. She is in a bad place if he wants to step it up and she doesnt. THEN he might tell her dh. And she might find her self divorced and with NO man, only upset kids.

I once very nearly had an affair. I walked away before it got physical and I do not regret that.

Lulumama · 25/01/2008 21:28

it is a grand passion, unconsumated, unrequited, romantic,soul mates

but you both have a lot to loose

either p*ss or get off the pot,to be blunt

make the break from your DH if you are not happy, surely happily married people do not conduct themselves like this, or work on your marriage and forget about this

make a decision and take back control, stop letting it control you

QuintessentialShadow · 25/01/2008 21:29

And I should stop posting now. Because I have had one bottle of very nice Chablis all by myself.

yellowmellow · 25/01/2008 21:33

i spent 32 years with someone and never thought i would have an affair but i met someone and that was it. before it happened to me i would have been the first to have condemned anyone else doing it, after, I know life isn't in perfect boxes. and as you get older you realise that . maydeclove, filter out all the people who can't know what youre going though, you just have to struggle on as best as you can and take the consequences, as does he good luck

Shaniece · 25/01/2008 21:34

Quintessential - I am half way through a bottle of Claret and will probably finish it .

I think the Op needs to get a grip tbh and I don't mean the age difference - but she is involved with another man and it's not fair on their partners and DC's. I would hate it done to me .

yellowmellow · 25/01/2008 21:38

lulu, i would really have to agree with the points you make, inlcuding happily married people don't. so may does have to make a decision, otherwise the situation consumes you and it is just the worst thing ,having the situation control you. What happende to me was because I was unhappy deep down already and am now having to face up to it, the decision is heartbreaking but at least it is a decision

QuintessentialShadow · 25/01/2008 21:40

OP does need to get a grip.
The fact that he is so much older, he needs an ego boost. She is the ego boost of a middle aged man who probably would never dream of a divorce, only a nice dream (which is why they havent had sex yet). What does she need? Mediation, divorce lawyers and a single mother-hood with visitation agreements?

OP Can you envisage yourself and your dh in a two bed flat each, arguing over who sees the kids, and when??? Because that is what will happen if you dont give up this now.

lou33 · 25/01/2008 21:42

i thought she was the older person?

DiamandaGalas · 25/01/2008 21:45

anna 8888, good argument!

QuintessentialShadow · 25/01/2008 21:45

OH! I read that wrong.

So he is the dream of a middle aged woman, and you have even more to lose.

I am speaking of dignity. What your grownup kids will think about you hankering after somebody their age.

That is the reason my friend and her elderly lover never became an item, not because he couldnt hurt his wife (cos he could, and she knew) he couldnt hurt his kids.

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