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Original poster

Need help ending an affair

86 replies

MayDeclove · 25/01/2008 20:55

I am in an affair that I know I have to end. Besides the fact that I am 24 years older than him(51 / 27) we are both married. We have talked endlessly about the fact that we both know that this would never work even if we were both single. We agree that in another life if the same age and single that we would have been the love of each other's life.
We are in love and yet we know it has to end. We have tried several times and always come back to each other. We have never had sex, however the emotional bond is overwhelming. It truly has controlled my life for the past 4+ months. I know I need to end this but I just can't seem to make myself do it. Could use some help!!!

OP posts:
fortyplus · 25/01/2008 21:45

So... maybe the 'affair' (and personally I wouldn't call it that if there's no sex involved) is an indication of the OP's dissatisfaction with her marriage. The man concerned feels he's on safe ground as the op is old enough to be his mum. They're both lacking something in their own relationships and struggling to make sense of it with someone 'safe' because they are both acknowledging their relationship would never work?

How to end it? Meet him with your best friend and his best mate

ZippiBabes · 25/01/2008 21:45

well i certainly don't see the age difference as gross...

it all hinges on your relationship with both guys

lou33 · 25/01/2008 21:46

yes i dont think the age gap is anything to do with it

Shaniece · 25/01/2008 21:50

Yeah but if she is 52 and him 27 you can bet he doesn't want to settle down, it's just for one thing - young men have fantasies about the older woman - I know my DH fancies older women he is 32 and fancies 50 plus women.

ZippiBabes · 25/01/2008 21:53

but not every relationship is for life

fortyplus · 25/01/2008 21:55

Yes - forget about the age gap - it's a contributing factor to the situation in as much as it's part of the reason they know their relationship wouldn't work out.

But fgs - I had relationships with men 20 odd years older than me when I was young free and single. They were fun at the time but I wouldn't have wanted to settle down with them. Ego boost for the guy at the time to have a young girlfriend. So what? It suited both parties. Why is this any different?

It's the situation that's wrong, not the ages.

lou33 · 25/01/2008 21:56

older women fancy younger men too

im 41 and date men in their late 20's or early 30's

i dont date them thinking i want to settle down with them, even if it becomes serious, i wouldnt have anyone moving in

the love of my life was not my exh, but actually someone i dated after him for 9m, and he was a little over 11 years younger

he emigrated, which i knew he was doing when we met

not the same gap but i have had dates with men young enough to be my son

ZippiBabes · 25/01/2008 21:56

if u want to end it then tell him its over and not to contact u change your mobile number and dont answer any contact...book a holiday for yourself, and plan your next 5 years

Heathcliffscathy · 25/01/2008 22:01

visualise your life if your husband found out.

live it: what would it feel like? relief? grief? happiness? misery?

if you are having an emotional affair, then at least part of you want to end your marriage. ask yourself why? if it is a good marriage is this self-sabotage? if not, are you looking for a way out?

noranora · 25/01/2008 22:01

i think you must first decide about your marriage first, you want to continue or not, than you can think and decide about this other guy.

pedilia · 25/01/2008 22:03

Firstly an affair is an affair regardless of whether there has been sex or not, the betrayal is the same.
If you are not happy in your marriage why not leave? Or at least take time-out to see if you can sort out your feelings.The people that are going to be hurt the most are the ones that at present have no say on something that could destroy their lives as they know them

QuintessentialShadow · 25/01/2008 22:04

Sophable - sorry do you still have the link to that 5-minute orgasm.....

whomovedmychocolate · 25/01/2008 22:06

MaydeClove - it's actually remarkably simple. Make the decision, then don't see or speak to each other for 30 days. If you feel the same way after 30 days get in touch. Chances are you won't. If you can go away on holiday for the first 14 days, this will be the hardest bit. But it is doable. If you want out, only you can walk away though.

Heathcliffscathy · 25/01/2008 22:14

i never had a link to a five minute orgasm???/ do you mean the thread? was a pissed and i don't remember? remind me remind me!

ZippiBabes · 25/01/2008 22:15

the answer is you will never know the right anwser you can make a decision and you will have to but whether it's right you will never know

QuintessentialShadow · 25/01/2008 22:15

I am sure it was you. You posted a link to a very erotic site, and promised orgasm within 5 minutes of reading ......

Heathcliffscathy · 25/01/2008 22:16

i did?????

must go dh back from nyc and needs tlc

ZippiBabes · 25/01/2008 22:26

i dont think anything could give ne a 5 minute orgasm

Elephantsbreath · 26/01/2008 01:10

urrgh. story ends with sophable + 5m orgasm. ?

Anyway I zipping through cut-price SA bottle of Something and find the OP question tantalizing and romantic, actually.

Age-gap obviously sexy.

Don't give up your real life on a lovely whim. x

Original poster
MayDeclove · 26/01/2008 02:45

Thanks for all the input. I agree it is an affair regardless of no sex. I belive if the right opportunity had presented itself we would have but neither one of us was willing to take it to the next level and make it happen. I'm not sorry we held back. It's both of us who are having a hard time ending it. We desperatley want to stay friends but I don't know how to do that without our romantic feelings getting in the way. Yes my marriage does have problems as does his. We have said that we know we are not the answer to each other's problems. We just happened to meet at a wedding no less! My heart absolutely is destroyed every time I think of him not being in my life. He has become a major part of my life. I just know how much I would miss him,,,,,

OP posts:
Flllightattendant · 26/01/2008 06:36

I don't know what to suggest, May. I'm sorry for you both. I've been there and the pain is astonishing, although I realise that any sort of actual affair would cause great pain to your respective partners.
It doesn't feel like a case of choosing to end it, does it? I was with a man 12 years older than me, and we had an affair for 4 years - shocking I know, and I am not proud of it, rather I admit it in the hope I can use my experience to comfort/help others in a similar position.
The number of times we tried to separate was countless - probably every few weeks for those 4 years. It didn't work because as Lulu describes it, it was a 'Grand Passion' - totally overwhelming and to leave each other felt like cutting off a limb. I would have died for him.
In retrospect, I am not convinced it was the same from his point of view - after all he had a wife, I wasn't married - and he had the choice to be with one of us, not to mention immense pressure from me to stop lying. I hated the deceit.
But nothing was greater than my desire to be with him so I did not stop it. I'd have left a partner, my family (no kids then) and everything I knew and loved, if it had meant I could be with him - but he never would choose.
I suppose I'm just rambling but my perspective years later, is that I completely understand the level of feeling involved but I would not condone lying to anyone.
Please choose. People fulfill different desires in us all but lying to a partner is not Ok.
If you wish to be with this man, end it with your partner and take the leap. If he will not agree to do the same, forget him and concentrate on your marriage.
Or rather, keep your feelings for hm - grieve - tht is all real - but don't have a relationship.

If I can help further please just ask.

Flllightattendant · 26/01/2008 06:39

Just to add that I like to think I would not do it again. It was a one off and I learnt from it and that I had responsibility as well as him. The guilt will never go away. I never would enter into an affair again. I would wait until he had chosen.

Original poster
MayDeclove · 26/01/2008 15:40

Hello Flight, How did it end? I agree with everything you are saying, I just need help with the ending of it. I completely relate to the feeling of cutting off a limb as that is how I feel every time I even THINK about ending this. How did you do it? how did you survive the loss afterwards. I feel like I am losing my best friend and the love of my life! Please help me. My heart aches so much.

OP posts:
ZippiBabes · 26/01/2008 15:49

it's probably not that relevant the age gap in truth..you just have to tell him you are not going to have any contact with him again

harsh but if you want to finish it then that's the way

and in 6 months you will see it as an interlude a bubble you can take out and look at from time to time

and decide whther youi want to make some changwes in your life

MAMAZON · 26/01/2008 15:49

it is probably just a strong friendship that has come at the wrong time for you both.
you are both having troubles in your relationships and you have found shoulders to cry on of understanding people.

I think teh only way you will be able to end it is to completley remove him from yoru life. delete his number from your phone and end all contact. ask him to do the same.

yes it wil hurt but you will recover.