Need help ending an affair

[MayDeclove]

I am in an affair that I know I have to end. Besides the fact that I am 24 years older than him(51 / 27) we are both married. We have talked endlessly about the fact that we both know that this would never work even if we were both single. We agree that in another life if the same age and single that we would have been the love of each other's life.
We are in love and yet we know it has to end. We have tried several times and always come back to each other. We have never had sex, however the emotional bond is overwhelming. It truly has controlled my life for the past 4+ months. I know I need to end this but I just can't seem to make myself do it. Could use some help!!!

i really appreciate what Flllightattendant wrote here and the support she is giving.
i understand that it is so hard the way you feeling now, but what i got from reading all is, yours look like a bit of fantasy(sorry saying that), idealizing something not real, which may stem from something lacking from childhood or from your parents, or something misiing in your real life.
you have to analyse your thoughts and feelings, your life very well and be strong about that.
you have to make some changes in your real life that are pushing you to such relation.
then you can feel strong enough to end it.

have read this and thought about it and am with Rhubarb.... just say no - cut off all ties, delete from phone etc. Then take it one day at a time.

The whole 'it is bigger than the two of us' sorry but blargh - that seems such a cliche and so unreal.

Reality - you have a husband, he has a wife - walk away.

its definitely a fantasy...it taps into the romantic idea of love

it is a way of escaping an unhappy real life situation

merging reality and fantasy is impossible and conflicting

trying to live too much in your head and your imagunation and elevating the experience to a mythical status especially when you think your boyfriend is doingb the same thing is very powerful emotionally

you are experiencing a sort of disassociation this is what i meant when i said this relationship exists only in a bubble...you are creating something isolated from real life

it is like being in a film nothing from real life intrudes on it when you are together

so you are living a fantasy and a real life concurrently but disconnected

in fact this relationsahip isnt connected or anchored to anything

it is dangerous to play this game because you will find that eventually it will destabilise your mental health...if it isn't already partly a symptom that your mental health is already suffering because you are in an unhappy relationship

I am a wife trying to recover from my husbands affair. I am not stupid i know feeling change and we can at times love more than one person.

However bad a marriage is surely your partners deserve the respect to make their own mind about what to do.

I think the really wicked thing here is that you are both not prepared to suffer the consequences of your actions, in that you are both being selfish in letting your partners continue to build their lives around you.

I have learnt the hard way to not rely on others and it is up to me to make my own happiness - that is not to say that i do not care for others, i just choose to allow them to make their own choices and i would never treat anyone with such utter contempt to think that i had a right to my own happiness over that of others.

if your marriage is not great then maybe your partner would welcome a 'get-out' option too. surely everyone deserves that to be able to make an informed choice about the path their life will take.

As you can tell i am quite passionate about this - maybe a bit close to home. But i think if you have no respect for others then you have no respect for yourself and you really do not deserve any from others.

Maybe this is why my h has begged and begged me for another chance because he can see that i am actually a far better person than anyone who would even think about an affair.

That is not to say i am a prude - i do have fantasties about others and have come pretty close myself in the past. But now having experienced the utter devistation that affairs cause i would never take such a selfish step. The ripples are enourmous - with extended family, friendships and almost every aspect of 'normal' life being affected.

The pain of ending it now will be far less than the end result if it continues and gets found out.

However if you both want to give it a go then go for it - stand up and face those consequences come clean and live the life you want. I think you are not brave enough though to do that.

you need to stop seeing yourselves as tragic starcrossed lovers who but for cruel fate would be destined for each other ..this is too seductive because it makes your relationship something special that you believe no one else has experienced or understands

it elevates its status to something other

to kill it off you need to take it out of that fantasy realm and see it for what it really is

even the name you have given yourself to post ..may to dec is promoting the fantasy..no one in real life talks about relationships in that way

so step out of the fictional realm and back into tackling real issues and relationships

nothing will happen if you drop this guy except you will have to address your actual commitments

also wanted to add that whilst i am not judging you as such - we should all acknowlege that affairs are morally wrong. Yes they happen and they are hard to stop because they involve feelings (and maybe it is because we hide away our feelings in most areas of our life that they spill out of control in such situations). But they are wrong as with so many things just because they happen does not make it right.

You know what you are doing is wrong but you are justifing it to yourself because you may get hurt (and dont give a thought to anyone else who may get hurt in the process).

Dont be a coward on this and either end it or give that desision to the others involved - your h and his w.

Happywoman is right. It is a question of making a choice and I think until you do that then you have no moral case for doing what you're doing.
It is hard and very painful but please don't deceive anyone. There is no need.

MayDeclove, I have held back from laying on about your dh's/family's interests. But what HappyWoman has said is absolutely true. Walk away, whether from your May fantasy or your Dec dh, but walk away, if only for your own self-respect.

I somehow think your love sees things much more clearly than you, and so he does not want to take things further. You don't have a choice, really.

May

I'm finding I'm getting myself into a similar position with someone.

My marriage is not good and neither of us have the guts to get out so when someone comes along who is interested in you and your views it is very very seductive. Again, it's not physical and it's unlikely to be (given I have a young child to look after when not working) but I also find that draws me to him all the more. But I need to stop it. As should you.

As you say this potential relationship has no future so why invest there. Perhaps your dh is not the man for you but you need to sort that out first.

Best of luck - I kind of the know the emotions.

MayDe,
You have decided to finish it for your own reasons. So how?

How about a 6 month cooling period from OM whereby you work on what you got to do?

Perhaps you could go away for 2 or 3 weeks, 6 months even? do something fun , on your own, with friends or something organised, with no contact with OM?

Try and fill your life with stuff you've always meant to do and build your life UP, putting yourself at the centre?

CAN you get to know your husband again?

I've experienced some truly sad and sometimes terrible relationships, I've been cheated on (worst thing really) so it isn't easy, any of it. Getting OUT of love is hardest.
Best of luck x

And most importantly please remeber this is man is a liar - you know that really dont you. You may think he is only 'having to' because he loves you so much but the fact is he is a liar.

You would love to believe that he is not happy at home and only you can make it better. But in my experience he will be telling his wife and family whatever he needs to keep them as he is you.

Do you really want a relationship with a known liar?

And dont justify it by saying why would his wife want a relationship with a known liar - remeber she dosent know and when she does she already has a lot invested in the relatinship which you dont.