Pregnant, married less than a year, how the fuck do I leave?

[canttakeit]

I honestly don't know what either of us were thinking. Why either of us are going along with this. There's no intimacy, no affection, no love, no consideration, no respect. I actively avoid him and take myself off to bed after dinner because there's just nothing to say. There's no laughter or friendship. I'm so fed up of this. I can't spend my entire life like this. I'm so embarrassed to leave. We got pregnant early in the relationship, if I didn't have a kid I would of left years ago. I don't know why we got married like it would help. I don't know why we had another kid. It's soul destroying. There's so much we just don't say. Our child was being very, very difficult this morning and rather than dealing with that with me he made it into a problem between me and him. Flood gates well and truly opened. The nastiness came out. It just sits under the surface until it erupts. I've told him I don't love him, I don't even like him, I don't like being around him, that I can't live like this, that it's all a sham, that I can't spend the rest of my life waking up everyday and continuing to choose a relationship that gives me absolutely nothing but a roof over my head. I'm fucking 27. This shouldn't be my life.

I've nearly left so many times. So, so many times. Yet here I am, 7 years on, married and about to have a newborn and still unhappy. Why have I let myself and my kids down so monumentally.

Anyone has anyone come out the other side of this. I need some hope

What is it that’s stopping you from leaving?

Which is the best option? You leaving or kicking him out? It has to be one or the other doesn't it.

I'm so sorry, these things can happen, we try to make the best of things and then we realise everything is terrible.

What is your support network? Family? Friends?

If your best friend told you this story, what would you advise her?

Plenty of women have been where you are. If you really want to leave what do you need?

Although a chat with a solicitor should be a priority tbf so you can see how you are placed financially. Start looking for one near you.

My mum has a large impact on that. She talks me out of it a lot saying that life isn't all affection and romance and that the grass isn't greener, how hard it'll be, how easy I have it. On the surface yes we have it good, a lovely home, enough money, holidays, the kids can have nice things and trips. But there is just nothing between us. I feel like I'm sacrificing my life for theirs. But that's part of being a parent, so I choose to do that, I try and make this last, I just feel like my life is over sometimes and that it's all just going through the motions

So what steps could you take so that in another 10 years you aren’t still together? You’ve told him that the relationship has ended, have you talked about what you want to happen next? How to co-parent and be respectful?

He's the one with the money. It's his house. He has the high salary. I'm part time and not too far above minimum wage. It honestly feels like I'm staying for the kids and the practicalities. Everyone seems so disappointed when I voice that I want to leave, my mum my sisters my dad all say stay, life isn't all roses. The only one who did say to leave was my best friend, to be honest

Why do you state you would feel embarrassed to leave?. What is there to at all feel embarrassed about?. You may well be the subject of gossip if your marriage was to end but it would be of little interest going forward as people do find other things to talk about.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what would they be further learning from you if you continue to stay for what are really your own reasons?. I would urge you to feel the fear and make the break as soon as you are able to do so. Staying for the sake of the children is a statement that really does not stack up under scrutiny.

But you are arguing in front of them… so you aren’t sacrificing your life for theirs, you are both letting them suffer too. They are far better off not being stuck in this, ignore your mum, she’s sounds very unhelpful.

I left for a week a couple of years ago and had nowhere to go but back to my parents who pushed me back to him so heavily. My dad paid for our wedding and was so enthusiastic all everyone seems to want is us to work. All everyone says is he's a good man, a good dad and you have it all. Then why does it feel like I have nothing? I honestly want to go back to when I met him and shake myself and say don't do it, you're so young, just don't do it. I love our child, I already love this baby and I will when they are here, I can't regret that. But it's so depressing that at this age this is my life. I just don't know what I've been doing.

You are married, it’s not his house.

I am sorry you do not have the support of your family whose opinions have been unhelpful to say the very least. They also have not lived with your H.

Family members opinions can be unhelpful sometimes as they can also have their own agenda here; they perhaps like your H and see only how helpful he is to them.

Most of my friends are just now starting to meet their life partners, and they all just seem to actually be in love. I'm so jealous of them all. One of my closest friends just left and became a single mum and all I felt was jealousy that she was brave enough to do it.

Just to leave months after marrying, while heavily pregnant it just seems so embarrassing. Those close to me won't be surprised I imagine as I've been vocal multiple times over the years about how I feel. But his side would be blindsided. My parents would be disappointed. The quality of life for the kids would change so drastically. It feels so monumentally massive to leave that it gets so overwhelming and it is genuinely easier to stay rather than blow everything up because atleast this way it's only me that hurts. I walk away when he's nasty so we don't argue in front of our child, I keep to myself and spend the evenings by myself so we aren't having to awkwardly co-exist, I fill my time with my friends and our child so I don't feel so lonely. Occasionally like this morning it blows up in front of our child and then I want to run for the hills because I don't want to do what my parents did. I married my dad, that's the most depressing part of it all. I became the relationship I feared the most!

What do you personally want to teach your children about relationships?. You would not want them to have a marriage or a relationship like described would you?. It's not just what we say but also what we do that matters. Telling our children they deserve healthy, respectful, and loving partnerships isn’t taken to heart if we don’t have the courage to live up to our own words. What we model for them is very much what we might expect for them in their future relationships. From this perspective we might question the sincerity of the expression “for the sake of the children.”

Do not stay in such misery for the sake of a "nice" house or practicalities; your children won't say thanks mum to you for doing that to them. And those reasons too are really no basis to stay with such a man. Do not be afraid to move on with your life and take responsibility for your own happiness.

Imagine still being where you are in a year, in 5, in 10...
You have to do something.
No one else has the right to tell you what to do - they are not walking in your shoes every day

Have stock answers ready:
"you don't see my life 24/7"
"Please don't presume you know my life and my mind better than I do"
"I appreciate you supporting me in doing what I know is best for me and my children "

Speak to a solicitor to see where you stand - most do a 30 min free session

As you are married, the house is not completely his - even if deeds are in his name

He will need to pay you child maintenance unless when you split you agree 50/50 custody time

Do you have joint account? Access to money? Own separate account?

Make sure you have yours and kids' ID - passports, birth certificates etc.

You can do this

It's a good job you are married then, as when you divorce you will have some assets from the marriage.

See a solicitor, find out what you are looking at if you divorce.

I'd also suggest counselling- sounds like he can be pretty unpleasant - is that tipping into emotional, verbal or physical abuse? He doesn't have to hit you to be abusive.

It also sounds like your family are being very unhelpful, but they may not fully realise what it's like for you at home, or are putting their own values on marriage on to you, thinking they are being supportive. You need to separate your actions from their perceptions. It's your life, if you can't see how the marriage can work that is entirely your choice. I think a counsellor could help support you through this when your family are unable to.

You sound absolutely broken down so something needs to change - keep posting and good luck

I always tell myself give it another year, it'll be easier then and you'll still only be 25, 26, 27.. young enough to move on. Except it's never easier, it's harder and I'm more tied in. After we married I was so angry at myself, so disappointed that I did that rather than be brave enough to be honest, and I told myself right ok by the time you're 30 you need to be out of this. I keep telling myself that but that's 3 more years away and feels like way too long to put up with this,yet deep down I feel like I'll still be here there anyway. I don't know what's wrong with me. I just can't ever seem to actually leave.

I honestly wish he would cheat on me so I could walk away without all the blame and stigma on me.

"But his side would be blindsided. My parents would be disappointed. The quality of life for the kids would change so drastically".

Again, these are no reasons to remain in such a marriage.

Stop putting other people and their interests ahead of your own needs here; their needs are not more important than your own. Those that matter do not mind and those that mind do not matter.

Staying in such a marriage will not only hurt you but your children as well because they will come to learn from you and their dad that a happy marriage and or relationship is not their birthright either. Unloving or conflicted marriages often follow a lineage as they are passed down from generation to generation. And so the cycle continues. Is this what we really wish for our children? It is much more challenging to come to terms with our own circumstances and face our fears than it is to hide behind them as we stay together “for the kids.”

Having two parents successfully move forward with their lives teaches an invaluable lesson: that we deserve to be happy and to feel loved. Conversely, remaining in relationships that perpetuate anger, devaluation, and lack of positive interactions leaves an indelible scar on children.

Sound travels too and your children will pick up on all the vibes, both spoken and unspoken, between you and he.

You see it on here time and again posts from now adults whose parents stayed together for the supposed sake of the children. The vast majority of such posters wish their parents had divorced far earlier than they did.

"I honestly wish he would cheat on me so I could walk away without all the blame and stigma on me".

Why would there be any blame and or stigma attached to you at all?. Divorce is something that people do every day on this planet. Are your parents deeply religious or something?. Do they always want to model the image of a "perfect family" to outsiders?.

Has it always been like this? At one point (early on) was there laughter, respect, love affection and friendship? It sounds like both of you are deeply unhappy, so my question is, was your relationship ever good and if it were possible to get the relationship back to close to that point would you want to? Or did you stay together/marry because of the pregnancy? If the relationship was good once and you would go back to it then I would suggest marriage counselling to him (Relate, or somewhere like that - the NHS website has a search function for relationship counsellors based on your postcode). I understand feeling like you don't even like him much less love him but is this because of a build up of grievances over the years? If yes then maybe it can be worked out and you can find happiness together. If no, you just aren't right for each other then you'll need to think about practicalities of splitting- who gets the house, who gets the kids when, finances because staying together would be bad for both you & your children. My parents nearly split up a few times during my childhood (largely due to my dad's drinking) but they made it through. They did however still have love for each other I guess and are happy now/married 50 years but you need to have some sort of foundation/love to build on first, and both be willing. Please don't beat yourself up, you're trying your best xx

My parents have a sham marriage full of toxicity, arguments, affairs. But they stayed together. They put everything on the fact they stayed together though they don't even bloody like each other.

It's gut wrenching to see that's exactly what I've done and am doing. I've always resented them for what they put us through. How have I had no respect for their actions yet recreated them? It angers me so, so much.

I don't mean this to sound harsh because I've been in bad situations myself, but it seems like you are concentrating on the reasons to stay rather than the reasons to leave.

I know it's the unknown and it's scary. But you aren't happy. You know you can't stay married to this person for the whole of your life. It has to end and that ending is going to be very difficult and unpleasant. You might even go back and leave again, a few times.

The alternative to a finite period of challenging flux is that you stay miserable for the rest of your life.

Rip that plaster off🌹