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Original poster

Pregnant, married less than a year, how the fuck do I leave?

62 replies

canttakeit · 05/10/2022 09:15

I honestly don't know what either of us were thinking. Why either of us are going along with this. There's no intimacy, no affection, no love, no consideration, no respect. I actively avoid him and take myself off to bed after dinner because there's just nothing to say. There's no laughter or friendship. I'm so fed up of this. I can't spend my entire life like this. I'm so embarrassed to leave. We got pregnant early in the relationship, if I didn't have a kid I would of left years ago. I don't know why we got married like it would help. I don't know why we had another kid. It's soul destroying. There's so much we just don't say. Our child was being very, very difficult this morning and rather than dealing with that with me he made it into a problem between me and him. Flood gates well and truly opened. The nastiness came out. It just sits under the surface until it erupts. I've told him I don't love him, I don't even like him, I don't like being around him, that I can't live like this, that it's all a sham, that I can't spend the rest of my life waking up everyday and continuing to choose a relationship that gives me absolutely nothing but a roof over my head. I'm fucking 27. This shouldn't be my life.

OP posts:
firstmummy2019 · 05/10/2022 11:25

canttakeit · 05/10/2022 10:43

Honestly I think a large part of why I've ended up here is that it was like playing house. We had the baby, we bought a house, we got our dogs, we got married, we had another baby, we went on nice holidays and I had the life I had so badly wanted to create. That picture perfect family and life.

The inner conflict has been that the feelings just don't align with the image. I have always been settling here, not in that I'm better than him but in that he is not the one for me and I very much know that. I don't love him, I don't want to kiss, hug or sleep with him. I honestly can't speak for why he stays, I don't think it comes from the same place as me, I think to an extent he's actually somewhat content with this life, I don't think he massively craves intimacy and connection, I think he's perfectly happy without that.

It's just now leaving implodes the whole image that I've put so much of my life into and it's very hard to admit how wrong I was and go back to square one. I want to have everything I have now with a man that I'm in love with. It's daunting that I will never get that now because there will always be co-parenting, an ex-husband, knowing the house and lifestyle lost.

I'm not sure if that makes sense but that's how it feels. Is it better to have everything I wanted apart from the relationship or to have nothing but hopefully find love. When it comes to choosing between the two I choose him, but the unhappiness doesn't go.

The love that you need to love for yourself. Start that journey.

georgarina · 05/10/2022 11:29

Just to leave months after marrying, while heavily pregnant it just seems so embarrassing.

Think about you, in the future on your deathbed.
What would seem worse, being the subject of momentary gossip or letting your whole life be ruined by staying in a loveless marriage?
I'm sure your family just wants you to be ok and staying seems like the easiest option. But what's the point if you're not happy? And your kids will be unhappy too because they pick up on how their mother is feeling.

beonmywaythen · 05/10/2022 11:31

Leave. It will be hard but it's better for you and the kids to be happy. You're 27 so you can and will build your life again. Can you move in with your parents for the birth/newborn phase?

CannibalQueen · 05/10/2022 11:33

Stop living for other people's opinions and start looking out for yourself and your kid (s).

dottiedodah · 05/10/2022 12:12

Im sorry you feel this way .There are probably quite a few people who feel like you do and have "stuck it out" like your parents did.However its now the 21 c and women dont have to put up with loveless marriages any more.How about your friend who is now a SM ? Can you talk to her at all? Leaving is hard and many people stay for the Status Quo.Would you consider Counselling at all ,At the least it can help you to clarify your thoughts and surely your husband cant be very happy?

ChocolateSpreadOnToast · 05/10/2022 12:24

OP your children will also grow up to have a sham marriage, just like yours because just like you, that’s all they witnessed. The cycle will just repeat itself. Unless you stop it.

Allow yourself permission to leave. Nothing will change unless you change it. So you’re parents will be disappointed. So what? Why are prioritising their feelings?

Your children will resent you just as you resent your parents.

stbew · 05/10/2022 12:43

I can empathise with so much of what you say- almost everything in fact. I've nothing of value to add other than you are not on your own. I'm almost 40 though- don't be me. Leave.

MarshaMelrose · 05/10/2022 12:43

canttakeit · 05/10/2022 10:31

I don't feel like I have had a go at him at all. The only negative I've said about him is that he's nasty at times, which is true. I've not blamed it all on him at all. I take full account for my actions and never once said we got married and had babies because of him. I've blamed my parents pressure more than I've blamed him, and I still blame myself more than even that. You don't need to have a go just for the sake of having a go.

Show quote history

I'm sorry you took my post that way.

I never said you blamed him but you said in your opening post....The nastiness came out. It just sits under the surface until it erupts. That's having a go at him, isn't it? And your use of the present tense makes it sound like it's a repetitive event. You're unhappy with choices you made. I never said that either of you were responsible for the other's choices but that you're both responsible for your own. These were your choices that you're still doing nothing about and instead you're allowing your unhappiness to store up until nastiness erupts when this situation you find yourself in is not his fault.

I hope I was clear in my first response that your husband is behaving equally unfairly towards you.

QuietQuietBang · 05/10/2022 12:49

Hoppinggreen · 05/10/2022 09:49

You are married, it’s not his house.

Show quote history

Aren’t their rules or guidelines around such short marriages that limit how much the OP would be awarded, or does the long prior relationship overrule this?

MerryLeg · 05/10/2022 12:54

You need to get out. It’s toxic and will get worse.

I don’t understand why you feel this would be embarrassing, though? Surely the merry-go-round of-

I’m miserable.
We’re getting a dog!
I want to leave.
We’ve bought a house!
I’m so unhappy.

I said yes!!!
I hate being with him.
We’re having another baby!

has actually been more embarrassing?

Just leave. Stop all the handwringing and back and forth. If you want to go, go.

Hoppinggreen · 05/10/2022 13:05

QuietQuietBang · 05/10/2022 12:49

Aren’t their rules or guidelines around such short marriages that limit how much the OP would be awarded, or does the long prior relationship overrule this?

Show quote history

Don’t know, I’m not a lawyer but I would imagine (and hope) the long relationship would count for something

bingbummy · 05/10/2022 13:34

What do you think he will do over child contact if you leave?

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