Pregnant, married less than a year, how the fuck do I leave?

[canttakeit]

I honestly don't know what either of us were thinking. Why either of us are going along with this. There's no intimacy, no affection, no love, no consideration, no respect. I actively avoid him and take myself off to bed after dinner because there's just nothing to say. There's no laughter or friendship. I'm so fed up of this. I can't spend my entire life like this. I'm so embarrassed to leave. We got pregnant early in the relationship, if I didn't have a kid I would of left years ago. I don't know why we got married like it would help. I don't know why we had another kid. It's soul destroying. There's so much we just don't say. Our child was being very, very difficult this morning and rather than dealing with that with me he made it into a problem between me and him. Flood gates well and truly opened. The nastiness came out. It just sits under the surface until it erupts. I've told him I don't love him, I don't even like him, I don't like being around him, that I can't live like this, that it's all a sham, that I can't spend the rest of my life waking up everyday and continuing to choose a relationship that gives me absolutely nothing but a roof over my head. I'm fucking 27. This shouldn't be my life.

Forget what your family say it’s your life not theirs

you work and are on a low income so with two dc should be entitled to top up benefits so have a look on a website called entitledto this should give you an idea of what finances will be like and what / where you could afford to rent

you will also be entitled to assets if you divorce , it isn’t just his house if you are married

I wouldn’t do anything untill you have consulted a solicitor though

I thoroughly prefer being a single parent to being miserable with my ex

you are still so young and I hope you can get yourself into a position where you feel happy and enjoy life

no relationships aren’t all a bed of roses but they shouldn’t be shit and joyless

All your life you have been taught to put your needs away. Hide them, dispel them.
Now you want your needs met, so you can feel alive.
You want your authentic self to come out.
Everyone is invested heavily in your life. But it is your life not theirs.
Sit down with your husband and say that you would like to seperate. You tried, It did not work, it will be better for both of you. Then work out the practicalities like adults.
In a year or two this will be in the back mirror. Right now you have to get free of this to be you.

And that’s why they want you to do the same, it validates their (bad) choice.
They aren’t telling you to stay because they love you and want what’s best for you, only listen to people who do

Do you think you could have postnatal depression? I'm only asking as you said you felt it once heavily pregnant with your first child.

Did you ever love him? Or have these feelings come on over the past few years?

Do you think some kind of counselling either alone or together would help?

Why are you having a go at him? This is your fault. You got pregnant, you decided to stay with him, you decided to marry him, you got pregnant again. If you don't like the choices you have made, you rectify them.
And exactly the same to him. If he's unhappy, rather than picking arguments and treating you unfairly, he needs to take responsibility for his bad decisions and end it.
If you both just keep doing what you've always done, you'll just keep getting what you've always got.

You need to make a plan OP, if you want to leave. Just railing against the fact that you've got yourself into this situation isn't enough to get you out of it. Your passivity is quite astounding to me. It's like you've sleepwalked into a marriage and a life that you don't want - kicking and screaming all the way - yet still going along with it all. And since you're so unhappy and you and your 'D'H avoid each other, what the hell is he getting out of this toxic relationship? Why does HE stay with YOU, if the pair of you are so bloody miserable?

So how about your write a different thread, asking advice from women who have left miserable marriages when they have low incomes and small DC? You need practical advice and next steps from people who've actually done it. Forget your DPs' disappointment, your ILs being blindsided - they'll all get over it - but you are wasting your life at the moment and you're also setting a terrible example for your DC of what marriage and a family looks like. You don't want them to repeat this toxic cycle, do you? So get out, as soon as you reasonably can. But you will need to take concrete, practical steps to achieve it.

I don't feel like I have had a go at him at all. The only negative I've said about him is that he's nasty at times, which is true. I've not blamed it all on him at all. I take full account for my actions and never once said we got married and had babies because of him. I've blamed my parents pressure more than I've blamed him, and I still blame myself more than even that. You don't need to have a go just for the sake of having a go.

That was a really nasty post from the PP, IMO.

Honestly I think a large part of why I've ended up here is that it was like playing house. We had the baby, we bought a house, we got our dogs, we got married, we had another baby, we went on nice holidays and I had the life I had so badly wanted to create. That picture perfect family and life.

The inner conflict has been that the feelings just don't align with the image. I have always been settling here, not in that I'm better than him but in that he is not the one for me and I very much know that. I don't love him, I don't want to kiss, hug or sleep with him. I honestly can't speak for why he stays, I don't think it comes from the same place as me, I think to an extent he's actually somewhat content with this life, I don't think he massively craves intimacy and connection, I think he's perfectly happy without that.

It's just now leaving implodes the whole image that I've put so much of my life into and it's very hard to admit how wrong I was and go back to square one. I want to have everything I have now with a man that I'm in love with. It's daunting that I will never get that now because there will always be co-parenting, an ex-husband, knowing the house and lifestyle lost.

I'm not sure if that makes sense but that's how it feels. Is it better to have everything I wanted apart from the relationship or to have nothing but hopefully find love. When it comes to choosing between the two I choose him, but the unhappiness doesn't go.

@canttakeit what does your dh say when you confess all of this? How does he feel? Have you tried to talk to him and try to work it out?

I've said it multiple times over the past 3 years, honestly he doesn't ever really say much. He gives me absolutely nothing when I try and get him to talk about his feelings. It's like he just wants me to stop bringing it up and just carry on with the act. He doesn't get upset or respond with any feeling, which is what leads me to think he isn't in love with me either but is just happier to put up with a less than ideal relationship. It's just strange.

But - why did you get pregnant again? Sorry to ask, but how did it get to the point of intimacy considering how you describe your relationship?

You can break the chain. Don’t set your children up to repeat your mistakes, which your parents set you up for.

You will learn from this and go on to make better choices. It’ll be hard at the start but it will get easier. You can free yourself from this.

See a solicitor. Then you’ll be armed with the information you need to make a plan to leave. You are married - you have rights.

Aw op this is really sad, you're way too young to feel like this.

As someone who was recently married and now pregnant, this is NOT how you should feel right now. It is possible that the pregnancy hormones are making everything worse, and the last thing you need with a newborn is to be struggling to find accommodation and deal with a divorce. But that said, youve been feeling like this for a while, so your options are to stay and be miserable, or leave and have a logistical nightmare for a few years, but potentially find happiness.

It doesnt sound like he is too happy either , could you agree a cohabiting set up for the short term? Stay in the house but have separate rooms and separate lives?

Whatever you decide to do, you need to make the decision. It sounds like you listen too much to other people and care too much what other people think. You're the only person in your position and at the end of the day none of those other people matter. Not his family, not any of us mumsnet busybodies, only you and your kids. Your kids will be happy if their parents are happy, whether together or apart 💕

We've had sex a handful of times in the past three years and unbelievably it did result in pregnancy. I find sex incredibly awkward with him, we don't even kiss during or cuddle after. It's all very depressing to be honest. I did think about not going ahead with the pregnancy as I knew it'd add years to the date we eventually split but I wanted our child to have a sibling and I guess naively thought maybe it'll bring us together. I sound like more of an idiot with every post but I'm just trying to be honest. Whenever there has been sex there has not been intimacy, there's no hugs or kisses ever, no touching each other just generally, you know a hand on the back talking to them, holding hands, sitting near each other, saying we love each other. It's all just awkward and not there.

OP, you need to break this cycle. Do you want your children to repeat the same mistakes you did?

You are not doing them a favour by staying in this sham marriage. You are teaching them it is acceptable in relationship.

How would you tell one of your kids if they are in your situation?

Do the right thing by them. You are stronger than you think you are.

@canttakeit you are so young . You have a full life ahead of you. There will never be a good time to leave. You just need to do it.

I was in your position in my 20s. I also got pregnant with a second child when the relationship was already in trouble. It wasn't intentional. It was the only time we had sex that year.

In the end I left when the children were 1 and 3. I felt I had to, as things were so bad that it was damaging our 3 year old. I had been a SAHM, ex-H was a high earner. The divorce was brutal. The years which followed were hard. I retrained and went back to full time work as soon as I could. Relationship with ex-H remained awful and it did affect the children badly. I could have done a lot better at keeping them shielded from the continual arguments between their parents (over money, contact weekends, attending friends' birthday parties... everything). They are now both at university. Looking back, I wouldn't change leaving him, as I think if I'd stayed I would have ended up killing myself. But I would do things very differently in terms of managing disputes with him, which only got worse after I left him (he was a narcissist and couldn't forgive me for leaving).

Like you, I felt trapped because I had no money and no job. I couldn't see how I would provide for myself and the kids. But you rise to the challenge and you can do it.

You need to dig a little deeper to get your answer. What did your relationship with your parents look like? Were you listened to, cherished? I find your therapy whether in the traditional or holistic sense. Once tge healing begins, things start to become clearer.

Do you have any qualifications or the ability to earn more OP? If the answer is 'No', and a major barrier to leaving is your fear of living in poverty/not providing for your DC adequately, could you improve your prospects somehow? I've seen posts in the past where women have prepared to leave while studying or somehow improving their ability to earn. Would this be an option for you?

This sounds exactly like my marriage! Sorry you’re going through this all too as it’s so depressing. If I had more money I would be gone in a flash but I feel trapped for now until I can save up a bit. I think your only options are to stay out until the children leave home but accept that he will never change and you will need to find other things to bring you happiness such as spending time with your kids; friends, having your own hobby’s etc. Or you can divorce him which will be very stressful but you’ll then have the rest of your life to rebuild your happiness

I already moved into the spare room a couple of months ago. Pregnancy has made my patience for this whole situation much shorter and where I used to play along a lot more I'm keeping to myself and enjoying/needing my own space where I can just focus on the the pregnancy and myself (in the times where our child is asleep) and just focusing on our child when he is awake.

You really don't have to stay in a miserable marriage because your parents have.
Would you want your children to?

Sounds like you want to leave. You have a supportive friend irl so that is a huge plus. I wouldn't confide in your family anymore since they think you should stay and be miserable.

Are you able to afford individual counseling? That would be a step to sort out your feelings and build yourself up.

Another step would be to find out what benefits you'd be entitled to plus maintainance, plus house and assets if you were to split.
Then you'd know and be able to plan.

My parents have a sham marriage full of toxicity, arguments, affairs. But they stayed together. They put everything on the fact they stayed together though they don't even bloody like each other.

They had a sham marriage. You grew up thinking that was life, so you have a sham marriage too. Next, your children will do the same.

Leave for DC sake, as well as your own%.

I notice you saying you would leave if he cheated. Do you picture yourself packing a bag or two and then going, where? Parents, sibling, hotel, friend? Can't you do that anyway?
Do you have a good credit history? Savings to fund rental house?

Look online at what you would be entitled to and how much a local 2 bed flat would be. You are not trapped or helpless.