I can't imagine wanting to have sex ever again

[ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp]

I'm 51. A sahm.

My libido has dwindled to nothing. It's happened over the last 10 months or so. My mother died last December. That's the only significant event really.

I have 5 dcs. Youngest is aged 8. I've told dh that I have no libido anymore. Perhaps we should separate because of that. He says he loves me. I don't know how I feel anymore. I don't feel anything to be honest. The thought of sex just makes me shudder now.

Should we just divorce? I mean, he would be justified in having an affair, I suppose. I'd rather avoid the mess / fall out / betrayal for the dcs and just maybe make the break now.

Even though we'd be really badly off financially.

It's hard to know what to do.

Could it be menopause? Maybe see a specialist?

You say you can’t imagine wants to have sex, but aside from that, how do you feel about your husband?
Are you willing to seek professional help, counselling/ hormones check ?

Dh is ok. He can be lots fun. Loses his temper every once in a while when he's stressed.

I know he loves his dc. Plans every financial decision around them, their school fees etc.

I

It's probably grief.
I was (am) the same after a parent passed away, my libido just switched itself off. It's been about 1 and a half years now. DH and I have talked about it on and off, he says he loves me and it's all ok. (Sort of feels like pressure but I know he doesn't mean it like that). I said I would understand if he wanted us to break up. He says the thought had never even occurred to him.
Allow yourself to feel how you feel. No one reacts the same way to bereavement and it's not even a year yet.

For starters - it very likely related to hormonal fluctuations of peri/menopause. Have you seen a GP? Even a small dose or HRT may make a huge difference. And adding a small dose of testosterone as well can really do wonders.

Alternatively - you can just tell H that he can
outsource. If you don’t want sex - do you really care if he gets it somewhere else? It’ll take pressure off you and keep him happier.

With 5 kids, some still small - divorcing over lost libido is probably not the first thing I’d do.

HRT and testosterone. Usually have to be referred to menopause clinic for the latter.

My libido got up and walked out during my menopause.

I am one of the lucky ones who has had an astonishing response to Testosterone. Let’s just say my marriage is revitalised. Chandeliers may be involved.

To get prescribed with testosterone you need your HRT to be optimised, and then to specifically talk about libido. It’s not licensed in the UK but GPs can prescribe it off licence on the NHS if they choose to do so (mine did). If yours won;t you can see a specialist or private clinic.

Obviously this may not be the right route for you.

You sound very depressed OP. Jumping straight to divorce and affairs straightaway. Take the pressure off yourself, chances are the desire will come back but you can't force it.Your life sounds quite boring and unfulfilled, just being at home all day and putting others first. Would you feel better doing something for yourself, earning your own money, having somewhere to go each day and some routine? Chances are, if you feel better and more confident in yourself, the physical side will return too.

Grief and possible menopause is going to mess with you. Options are

Date night with no intention is sex just to have a night with your husband

Self care- face masks, lavender room spray, massage, tidy house, get a new outfit, candles, new bedding, bedroom makeover

Talk talk and talk some more to your husband

Speak with friends

Contact a GP

Or a hobby that could help. Maybe painting or yoga

I was thinking the same.

OP, depression doesn't always manifest as tears etc. Sometimes it's more a feeling as everything is muffled or sort of flattened or drained of colour. Libido doesn't stand a chance! You sound as if you're speaking in a flat emotionless voice. Don't underestimate the effects of bereavement and perimenopause, and I hope you won't put yourself and family through the huge disruption of divorce unnecessarily.

Do ask your GP about the kind of therapies available. Not necessarily antidepressants, but maybe counselling, or other ideas such as singing or gardening groups. There are many ways of pulling yourself out of depression. Best of luck to you and your family.

I'm 36 and actually feel quite sad about the prospect of having to take hormones post-menopause to force sex out of myself.
I've been taking hormones (the pill) since my teens to enable sex with reckless abandon.
I'm currently on even more hormones to combat adult acne.

Jesus. I'm divorced and will stay single just to keep some body-autonomy. I can get sex if I want to and I can have none at all if I don't want to.

This!

I was reading op and getting so sad to think that after long term marriage and five (!) kids, the relationship hasn’t gotten any deeper and meaningfull than sex.

Strange. Or perhaps the relationship was never there in the first place…

Agree with PPs who say you sound depressed as well as experiencing grief and menopause. I think the depression angle would be worth looking into. Children are a joy but if you have 5 children and the youngest is only 8, then you’ve been parenting for an extended period and will continue to do so for a while yet. And you’re an SAHM. I wonder whether you feel like you’ve lost yourself a bit? Do you get to do things for yourself much or is everything about you being in a care-giving role and looking after other people?

I think you need to mix with other adults. Volunteering would be the easiest way to start doing that regularly.

No one is saying the OP HAS to have sex. However, part of a deep and meaningful love with someone is sex and it is very rare you will find two people in a marriage who are both happy to never have it again. I'd be devastated. There is nothing wrong with wanting sex to be part of your relationship. There is also nothing wrong with not wanting it, however it becomes more complex due to other people.

But in response to your OP, I agree that you actually sound depressed. Is this a situation you want to change?
Do you love your husband OP? You've told us a bit but haven't actually told us that!

It makes me sad. It. Is. Just. Sex! Why should families be broken apart because of sex? Honestly, there are things bigger and more important than sex and I’m saying it like someone with high libido! Does your DH even care? is it critical for him?

Sounds like a mix of bereavement and meno
and of course treating both could involve medication , which isn’t necessarily a path everyone wants (but helps )

have you tried to pleasure yourself in the past year ? But in a no pressure way

oil , clitoral and vaginal massage
just to see if everything is working
are you exercising enough ?

I don’t think anyone things that a divorce is the immediate logical solution

but it does sounds like rather than worrying you could try some other routes to get some energy back ?

For my DH sex in our marriage is much more than just sex. It’s intertwined with his whole sense of self esteem and well being. If we don’t have sex for more than a few days I can feel him getting more distant.

I’m through meno, on HRT (inc testosterone) and fit and healthy but no desire whatsoever for sex. It’s my choice whether to let my marriage die and I choose to have sex regularly to keep my marriage. It’s a chore sometimes but I do them every day too to keep my home clean and tidy and my marriage is much more important to me.

I don’t think it’s a matter of it being just sex, clearly for some people it’s much more important than it is for me. We both compromise on things to stay happily married and we have been for a long time.

@MMmomDD I don't think it would be a good idea for dh to outsource, as you put it. I'd rather have a clean split then something emotionally punishing file that going on indefinitely.

Our relationship is ok. Rocky. When it's good its good - that type of thing.

I'm also loathe to take HRT or testosterone. I don't really want to take meds. Perhaps I should look into it more. I just don't care enough about sex now. Which makes me think dh and I will be a mismatch. Perhaps I don't care about him either.

Apart from very irregular and sometimes weirdly heavy periods, I don't feel menopause has affected me that much. Until this zero libido.

I have a interesting life. I'm not bored. I'm a student too which I love.

Also re grief. I'm not devastated by the death of my mother. She was 87 and very weak and ill. I've accepted it I was very sad but philosophical.

Tbh it doesn't sound as if you love your husband.

Tbh I don't really feel anything about anything.

@ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp - I think menopause is affecting you more than you realise. ‘Not feeling anything about anything’ really isn’t a normal way to feel. Not for you personally, or you as a parent. You do have young kids that would still need you to be there, present and feeling for a long time still.
So - if not for your marriage - then at least for the kids - you need to sort your MH out.
Not wanting to take medicine for that - being it HRT or antidepressants seems like a bit of one sided (and I’d Eden say selfish) approach.

As to the outsourcing sex - it’s not infidelity if it’s by agreement. You don’t want it. He still needs it. If it’s done discretely - there is nothing in your life that would change. Who knows if he even takes you up on the offer.
If you don’t feel anything - why do you feel this matters to you?
Surely going through divorce with 5 children over this is a much more dramatic and painful solution for more people?