I can't imagine wanting to have sex ever again

[ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp]

I'm 51. A sahm.

My libido has dwindled to nothing. It's happened over the last 10 months or so. My mother died last December. That's the only significant event really.

I have 5 dcs. Youngest is aged 8. I've told dh that I have no libido anymore. Perhaps we should separate because of that. He says he loves me. I don't know how I feel anymore. I don't feel anything to be honest. The thought of sex just makes me shudder now.

Should we just divorce? I mean, he would be justified in having an affair, I suppose. I'd rather avoid the mess / fall out / betrayal for the dcs and just maybe make the break now.

Even though we'd be really badly off financially.

It's hard to know what to do.

I felt very like you for a while, flat, life is pointless, i had no purpose, not actively anything. Very very unlike me. Sorry to bang on about HRT but oestrogen restored my joie de vivre - i had no idea menopause would have that effect and suddenly understood why doctors used to prescribe antidepressants to menopausal women.

I dont see my HRT as ‘meds’, I see them restoring something that’s faded. More like hair dye than like antidepressants (I’m exaggerating to make the point). And I take them for me, not for him.

But that’s me, and I completely understand they may not be right for you

To @QueenCamilla and other younger women - HRT isn’t mostly taken by women to ‘have sex’ in menopause. It’s a really uninformed and unfortunate way of thinking about it.

Hormonal shifts women undergo in later life are unpleasant for many, and debilitating for some. Everything about your body starts malfunctioning. Some women suffer in silence for years, with all kinds of symptoms - physical and mental. There are aches, pains, bleeding, disturbed sleep, tiredness, anxiety and hard to control temper, painful sex or loss of libido - affecting life and relationships.

So - it’s unfair and infuriating that women are still made to feel that taking HRT is something that is just to help them have sex with their husbands; or that it’s some vanity whim because women want to slow down ageing.

It is a medicine that helps many and women shouldn’t feel guilty for needing it. Like with most - it has + and -.
For some - actually a small number of women with family history of breast cancer - it does carry a small increased risk - look up actual numbers and you will see the data. And then for many - it actually has a positive impact on bone health and cardiovascular.
It’s an individual decision for every woman and her doctor.

Rant over.

OP - I do hope you find a way out of the way you feel, whichever it is.

Some weird assumptions about SAHM and larger families not being “work” or fulfilling. That said if it was me I would try HRT for the random bleeding and because I believe it helps with foggy thinking and mood and if you DO want to leave your dh I’d want to be at the top of my game. Grief made me feel empty and flat and it went on for a long time. Look after yourself.

@MMmomDD you're inferring that I'm not there for my kids which is rather a leap. I do everything for them. I'm there to hug them, cuddle them, play, read, comfort, take them to their activities and friends.

So because I don't particularly want to take meds for my sex life, I'm selfish.

Might I suggest you don't post personal slurs like selfish on threads with those who are feeling different or low? It's not really helpful.

I think it's extremely naive to think someone going elsewhere for sex in a relationship is not going to cause distress and disruption. Which is why I thought an amicable straightforward break would be cleaner and quicker.

@5zeds yes. Empty and flat is the right way of putting it.

Thank you for those who showed me empathy and constructive advice.

Please try not to think of HRT as taking drugs to boost your libido.
Your body has decided to stop producing the hormones it has been making for decades. If you stopped producing insulin you'd have to take it via injection. Same with oestrogen and progesterone- HRT is just replacing what your body has been providing until now.
Without it my mental well-being falls right down a hole - self-harm, suicidal thoughts, the whole works.

It’s absolutely fine to not want to have sex and to want to divorce your husband. But it might be worth exploring what is making you feel so flat (aside from the sex). If there is more going on maybe talking it through with a therapist to decide what you want.

It sounds like depression talk. People with all sorts of 'exciting' lives can experience depression. I would look into some therapy be it talking therapy, alternative or medicinal. It just seems very extreme to destroy everything without trying other things first. If I'm mistaken and you really don't think it's mental illness then I don't understand why not stay as a family unit but open up the relationship so your husband can have a FWB or some arrangement with someone who wants to have sex with him. It wouldn't be cheating. You would both be there for the children and benefit from the stability and security. You've no interest in sex so why force that on him too. There is a possibility that he wouldn't want to sleep with someone else anyway even with your blessing so TALK TO HIM about what he wants to happen.
It just feels like the nuclear option to blow up everything when one hasn't tried everything which I think is important when you have young children. But that's my personal view, you can do whatever you like with your life!

@ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp

You are not hearing me, or hearing something you imagine.
There are no slurs or inferences. And I have not suggested you take medicine so you had sex with your H.

A parent who doesn’t feel ‘anything about anything’; or who feels ‘empty and flat’ - can go through the motions of caring for children - but certainly isn’t there for them in the same way a parent without depression.
And children are a lot more sensitive to our mental health than we think.

I personally been through both depression and loss of libido at different times of my life. And I have seen others go through it.
Please, do not ignore the symptoms. You need help - in whichever way that help is acceptable to you.

Divorce may solve your H’s access to sex issue. However - I think you are way too low and depressed to think clearly about the effect it will have on your kids and on you.
Divorce is intensely painful and disruptive. Your H by the sound of it doesn’t want it - your kids would be hurt and intensely unhappy. And how do you think you would feel if you are already down?

It is sometimes difficult for us to accept we need help. And MH is still something people feel ashamed to ask help for.
But you came here looking for something - and hopefully it’s because you do know deep down that you need to do something for yourself.
I sincerely hope you do.

Your posts could all have been written by me. I lost my libido shortly after I turned 50. No major earth-shattering event occurred, but it was almost like the flick of the switch. The thought of sex repulsed me, having it was an ordeal thst made me cry silently after the act. I was prescribed anti depressants which just made me - nothing, flat, without joy or sadness. I tried to get HRT but was turned down, because of a history of BC in the family and also my own brush with the disease. As such my husband became sullen, withdrawn, unwilling to discuss the matter but deeply resentful. He turned to another woman online for comfort and ego boost. I realised the only way forward for both of us was to part, which we have done and are now friends again. It’s terribly sad but we didn’t know how to fix the problem and stay together. Maybe someone on here has given you some more useful advice thst will help save your situation. I hope so. All the best.

I’m 58. No interest either. None. Can’t take HRT.

That's depression, in a sentence.

When it's good its good - that type of thing

What's it like when it's bad?

I agree with @MMmomDD posts. Here you are biting back so there is a little something inside of you that feels guilty or angry or fed up or ? I think this is all causing you much more distress than you are admitting to with your clean and quick solution.

Have you talked to your husband about it? I'm a little older than you and have also lost interest in sex. DH and I are close, and still have intimacy with laughter and cuddles and massage. Our relationship is good so we've joked about my poor old lady loss of libido, and I've reassured him that I still love the very bones of him and find him attractive.

I do plan to look into hrt because i miss my libido, and it seems that there are many health benefits to it too.
I find it so very sad that you are thinking of ending a marriage over this. And I'm horrified at the idea that some posters see sex as the be all and end all of a marriage. Of course it's a lovely part of a good relationship but there is so much else in a pair bond.
Have a chat with him OP. Best wishes!

I don't think many people would feel up to sex with juggling 5 kids and study. Are you also working?

FWIW, when my sibling passed away, I was 'Not depressed' about it all. While ready to divorce my husband, murder anyone who looked at me the wrong way and binge eating into oblivion. Grief is not always sitting in tears everyday.

@LeandraDear I don't like being called selfish when I feel like I've given my all for years. It's inaccurate and unhelpful. Hence my response.

I cannot be in a relationship when my oh is having intimacy elsewhere. So I felt a clean, honest split would be better rather than me feeling jealous and sad for years on end. That's me. Doesn't mean it's wrong. Just because another poster thinks I should be cool with it.

@Pickledcurlywurly so what happened? How did you get through it?

I mean, he would be justified in having an affair, I suppose

This isn't the natural outcome and conclusion.

He is justified in talking to you about it. You are justified in talking to him about it. Neither of you is justified in breaking the trust of the other by having sex with someone else without it being a decision made by the two of you, as a couple.

Has he mentioned the issue? Have you raised it? If you've talked, or tried to, what happened? If not, why not? That would suggest that the problem is broader than just sexual, and may be to do with not communicating. I'm curious about what you said re him getting angry; why does that happen? What does it look like? How does it go?

Didn’t want to leave this and not say anything. You sound like a really cool woman with lots going on. Good for you for studying again. I think you should ride it out and as you said already your husband loves you, he will wait. Can you focus on the things that make you happy and what you have achieved. I think women of a certain age can lose their mojo and nobody talks about it because we are all expected to be these happy jolly mumsy types.

I absolutely would not be ok with dh having sex with anyone else. It would be gross, mortifying and make me miserable. Crazy flooding periods and feeling unenthusiastic are classic signs of menopause looming. You’ve had 5 children you know how your body feels in all sorts of hormonal states now and grief is brutal and long and less about dramatic wailing and more (for me anyway) about a deep sadness that the world is just not as nice as it was and strange moments when you least expect it if overwhelming loss. I’d try HRT and give it all a bit more time. If it really does help with memory and optimism and bone density and periods and thinking more clearly it would be sensible.

OP - I think you are focusing on the wrong issue here and ignoring the real one.
You don’t owe your H sex. Fair enough, you can be done. He has a choice and can leave if he doesn’t like it.

But you do owe your kids to try to feel better - they deserve a parent who would try for Rhine to sort out their mental health. Having a depressed parent who isn’t interested in life and is simply going through the motions - isn’t fair on them and will affect them for years to come.
And it doesn’t matter that you have done a lot for them already - your youngest is only 8. Your kids don’t have a choice to leave.
When we have kids we take on responsibility for being the best parents we can be for them, while they are in our care.

I have been through divorce. The hardest things I have ever had to go through - and for the kids too. If you are already depressed - fallout from the divorce can be even more devastating. And it will certainly not make you any happier in life.

Wise words @jsku Thank you.

@Watchkeys He has been known to go hysterical. Screaming. Horrible names. Usually when he's stressed like driving a long journey and I've asked him to slow down. I'm wary of him. He's on antidepressants not because he's depressed but because he says they help keep him calm.

@SweetcornFritter I don't think there really is a way of fixing that problem, unless the H accepts that it's going to be a lot of 'self sorting out' on his part. I know exactly how you feel as I'm the same. Started for me at about 45ish, I'm now 60 and I'm simply not interested that way. I'm ok with the occasional help him sort himself out but I just don't find anything sexual pleasurable mentally or physically. I've never been hugely that way if I'm honest- was the same in my first marriage too - even in my 20s. I have told my H how I feel, I don't think he gets it at all if I'm honest but knows that's the score .

Oh, I'd take HRT if my body was ailing (like I take hormones now to battle a rather minor issue of acne!)

But this thread is about the loss of the libido. I'm just glad I don't need any hormone therapies or counselling. I can simply not have sex and not be seen as a faulty "fixer upper".

The concept of regular sex for decades is actually still a new one. We'd be out of action for prolonged periods of time and for myriad of reasons and dead before anyone manages to say "hormone replacement therapy".

I've had so much sex. There is nothing earth-shatteringly amazing about it. I'd divorce to get a break if needed (which, as I already said, is one of the best things about being divorced).

By the way, my ex-husband has now lost his drive in his 50s. Nor I, nor anyone else has suggested counselling to help the poor chap.