I can't imagine wanting to have sex ever again

[ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp]

I'm 51. A sahm.

My libido has dwindled to nothing. It's happened over the last 10 months or so. My mother died last December. That's the only significant event really.

I have 5 dcs. Youngest is aged 8. I've told dh that I have no libido anymore. Perhaps we should separate because of that. He says he loves me. I don't know how I feel anymore. I don't feel anything to be honest. The thought of sex just makes me shudder now.

Should we just divorce? I mean, he would be justified in having an affair, I suppose. I'd rather avoid the mess / fall out / betrayal for the dcs and just maybe make the break now.

Even though we'd be really badly off financially.

It's hard to know what to do.

I wouldn’t devastate five children and move them from their family home into a crappy house, and possibly have to move them from their school into a state school because you can no longer afford the fees if you’re running two households. That’s just selfish, your husband is a bad father if he’d prioritise his own desire for sex above his kids well-being.

Just put up with it for ten years until the youngest is 18 then divorce when they leave home. One or both of you can have affairs if you must. But for gods sake don’t disadvantage your kids just for a cheap shag. Part of being an adult is putting your kids before yourself.

OK. And you feel that you 'should' still fancy him and want to be intimate with him? Why?

He has turned you off. I don't think this is your problem at all: I think he's let you down and ruined the trust between you. Your response (to pull away and reject intimacy) is your natural, strong boundaries. He's not a good person for you to have sex with, and your instincts are telling you clearly that it wouldn't be healthy for you to do so.

In short, your lack of desire to have sex with him is a demonstration of your strong boundaries and healthy psyche.

Equating HRT to “meds” is a mistake. In evolutionary terms, the fact our bodies stopped producing progesterone and oestrogen in our 50s was okay because we didn’t live much longer. We now live 30-40+ years without these essential hormones and it’s causing massive health issues for many without intervention.

There’s no need to martyr yourself by not taking these naturally-occurring hormones. If you want to, then fine, but I can’t help but find it tragic when women think it s just normal to have no sex drive and feel like shit for the last 30-40 years of life, often leading to marriages ending and feeling unable to carry on living fulfilling lives.

There’s plenty of information online if you want to find it that can help you, IF you decide you do want to change how you’re feeling.

@ibelieveinmirrorballs why does this language come from? Martyr yourself and IF you want to change.

Such a peculiar negative approach. Gosh.

I don't know anything about HRT. Hence my hesitancy and misnaming it as meds.

A op mentioned breast cancer in the family rendering HRT inappropriate? Is that correct?

A pp not an op.

Empty and flat sounds like depression.

Yes, this. You seem intensely depressed and deep in grief. Maybe a course of tablets would help?

@ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp it depends on whether the breast cancer was a hormone reactive type of cancer or not. If you have been prescribed and used contraceptive meds in the past then you should be able to have HRT.

I have been peri menopausal for a couple of years and after a significant accident earlier this year my periods stopped completely. I felt absolutely awful, no energy, poor sleep, hard to find the mental space to do anything, no pleasure from my hobbies. I started HRT 3 months ago and it has changed my life, I sleep better, no hot sweats at night, I don’t have the muscle aches and joint pain I was having.

I am 46 and single, I have absolutely no interest in sex and taking HRT for me is completely about my physical and mental health and well being and nothing to do with libido.

^^ This

Oh OP I'm so sorry and please know you are not alone. This happened to me as well at about the same age, I'm not 55. I started on HRT (Sandrena gel) and while I felt a little better it didn't solve the lack of libido problem. I went back to my doc and was referred to the menopause clinic at the local hospital and they prescribed testosterone gel as well (the doc can't prescribe this, you need to go to the meno clinic) and this has helped. I'm not swinging from the chandeliers, but then I never was. I've had sex with DH three times since starting it June, because I actually wanted it, and I am beginning to believe that things will work out. Do try it OP, it's really worth a try.

You sound like you would be happier if you split, and that it's what you really want, so I'd say go for it.

I mean, you being wary of him would be why you should probably consider divorce rather than you having no libido.

If you're wary, imagine how the children feel in those situations?

You’re at the prime age for needing HRT and it could have a massive impact on your health and happiness. I suggest you research it!

Even prior misinformation that it increases cancer risk has since been largely discredited.

We’re all different I know, but my response when I started to feel like this was to take action, research options, make appointments. You don’t have to feel this way, it’s in your gift to feel better.

I can’t speak to your marriage of course - I had no libido in my marriage and it wasn’t just a hormone issue - it was an abusive husband issue (thankfully now resolved).

You sound depressed and tired...grief, menopause and five kids sounds really draining and hard work. I'd see a Dr about hrt and get some counselling before you throw your marriage away

Wrong thread..?

Yes that was me. Owing to my mother’s BC and my own DCIS which required radiotherapy and surgery I was told I could not have HRT. I think if I’d been able to access treatment I might not be contemplating the rest of my life on my own, but who knows.