To settle or leave? Want kids

[LeaLeek]

Hello, I'll try keep this short as I know there are lots of similar threads like this which I've read through and all seem to say similar things.

I've been with my partner for 3 years, I've just turned 36 and he's nearly 38. He's kind, patient, good job, loyal and everyone that knows him always states how much of a nice bloke he is. We both want the same thng e.g kids, stable life etc.
The main thing that is giving me doubts is that I do not fancy the pants off him like other exes and he doesn't really make my belly hurt from laughing, he's quite an introvert and tbh I find my friends more fun company although I do enjoy his company at times. I have a low sex drive and he's not a pest which in the past have caused problems with other guys.

I have a few single friends older than me who have said they would never settle for someone that they wouldn't want to rip their clothes off and have non stop laughter which is making me doubt the relationship. Previous exes I had the intense chemistry but they didn't treat me well in other ways (e.g did a runner when I was ill or they met up with exes)

I have a feeling lots will say dont settle but wanted your thoughts. Thanks

No, don't settle. However...this might not be settling, this might just be a steady, safe relationship (I'm not saying that as a bad thing). You mention previous exes where it's been very passionate but they've also been crap - people do struggle sometimes to adjust to a "normal" relationship after that as it can feel "boring". Do you love him? You don't say.

I'm sure others will be along soon with better ways of trying to tell whether this is you freaking out at a stable relationship, or you actually genuinely being a bit bored and settling - I'm afraid I can't be very helpful with that bit but wanted to respond!

If you want children the last thing you need is a flakey hottie.

Seeing my Mr with our babies just made me fancy and love him more and more even if we both did start going grey and are not quite as pert.

Kind, patience, loyalty, good job, I mean these are all things you need a dad to be and can be attractive qualities just by themselves.

Having a baby is seriously draining on your relationship.

I would query how do you work as a team and how do you both react when things are stressful? As when the baby is colicky and screaming it’s not jokes or a hot bod you want , you want a partner to be there beside you even if it’s just holding your hand.

If he is a good friend and you work well together and love him don’t bin him….

If every topic of conversation he raises makes you want to scratch your eyes out he is not for you …. You spend a lot more time at home together with a baby and all the annoying habits and coping strategies and stresses with quadruple

"I do enjoy his company at times" this is a bit concerning though. Do you find him actively dull, or do you mean you want to miss him whenever you're not together, have amazing conversations every day, kind of thing?

Love is boring sometimes. I'm a lucky one

*I'm a lucky one who sees the joy in choosing someone and being chosen even in the boring bits but I haven't always felt like that.

Thank you flipperdoda, I do love him but am not in love, eg I don't fantasise about him like I did with exes.
I did OLD before I met him through a mutual friend and it was one disaster after another so am not sure if that was one of the causes of me settling

I'm not sure I completely believe in love/in love being different. My experience is being "in love" is far more about infatuation. I love my partner more than I've ever loved anyone, but I can't say I fantasise that much about him anymore and we've been together less time than you - but what I would miss is e.g. the fun sex that can be the result of fantasising, rather than fantasising itself, and we still have that. If we don't have it for a bit, I make a point of starting some fun flirty stuff to get it.

My point being that love is sometimes a lot more about routine than you might think. Am I sometimes a little bored? Yep. But when younger I might have panicked that meant as e weren't meant to be - now I either take it upon myself to suggest/reintroduce/plan something fun (sex, holiday, random date, anything!) or I talk to him about it. Not always sexy or exciting or surprising no, but what we have is solid and real and so dear to me.

Some people might want "more" or different to me and that's fine, so I'm not saying you have to stay with him and make it work or anything like that, I'm just trying to challenge you or if you're bored a bit, or bored by him.

Frozendaisy, yeah that's one of the qualities I adore is that he is good with his neices and will look after them whenever

Imogens/flippa, we work well as a team he's very patient but am very hot headed. We have good conversations but not 24/7. We went on a 3 week holiday earlier this year and there were days we didn't talk much but not everyday. He can be dull sometimes but all the time though! But also depends if am having quiet days

I meant he can be dull at times but not all the time.
Flippa, thats a good point I suppose we don't try plan much these days and have got stuck in a routine.
I always get these feelings of doubt when I meet my single friends, they are OLD and meet people they fancy etc but doesn't last

Is there any point in being with someone hot that you fantasize about if you have a low sex drive, so you feel pestered by them? Or are you saying that you need to have someone to fantasise over in order to develop a libido?
You don't say your relationship is sexless, just that you don't feel he pesters, which is a good thing as he doesn't have a wrong sense of entitlement over it. Both your libidos will likely suffer after DC's anyway, so it's the other things that keep it going.

I'd take compatibility over chemistry any day.

Chemistry is overrated. Tells you nothing about how happy someone will make in the long run. Is excellent at blinding you to glaring red flags.

I think it would be insane at your age to leave a perfectly lovely partner in search of the elusive unicorn who has all the qualities of your current partner but also looks like an Adonis and makes your panties wet with just a look.

However, the caveat here is that there needs to be a minimal layer of attraction. You can't make it work with someone you have a visceral disgust for. Obviously. But if you think he's reasonably attractive and your sex life is decent, I really don't see what the problem is here.

I do enjoy his company at times

Things aren't going to be exciting and rosy all the time, but 'at times' is a bit worrying, isn't it?

I do not fancy the pants off him like other exes

Is this a physical attraction issue, or a personality issue?

they wouldn't want to rip their clothes off and have non stop laughter which is making me doubt the relationship

I think their comments are playing on your existing doubts and insecurities.

Are you sure that you aren't the type of person who says they want stability (because they think it's what they're meant to want, because it's logical and sensible) whereas your emotional needs means that what you really want is the highs and lows of a more tempestuous relationship? Are you attracted to unavailable, extroverted, disagreeable men? That their unavailability (the fact they show they don't really care about you by treating you badly), means that they are more alluring and more worth chasing than your nice and dependable man that you have at the moment? Maybe you find him dull because he's too easy-going, too nice to you, too available, too much at home?

they are OLD and meet people they fancy etc but doesn't last

If you don't want to end up exactly like them, don't follow their advice and take their comments with a pinch of salt.

Settling for him isn’t fair on him. Doesn’t he deserve his partner to be in love with him, fancy him and at least find him moderately interesting? You think he’s dull, that’s so harsh. If it’s how you feel you have to leave him and let him find someone who really appreciates him. Don’t use him to have kids when you know it doesn’t have legs longterm, that would be horrible.

I'd plan some fun stuff - well, what I'd actually do is have a (fairly light-hearted) conversation with him about how you guys should do some more fun stuff, and I'd see how he reacted (is he happy? Does he realise that even if he's fine, you being important is happy therefore you both need to make some adjustments? It's telling). I'd hope the outcome was you both planning some fun stuff and going and doing it.

If you're still bored, then at least you know you tried. If you end up having a kid you'll be happy you had some recent fun memories from before the baby years!

Surely after a few years of constant laughter and ripping off of clothes you'd be exhausted?! I think relationships change as they progress and your priorities change as you get older too. The things I looked for in a boyfriend in my 20s are not the same things I value in my husband now.

That said, if deep down you know it's not right you shouldn't settle. Is it possible to spend some time apart, eg go away for a weekend on your own, and see how much you miss him?

If you're looking for someone to settle down with then I'm not sure why you'd compare yourself to older single friends... they either don't want the same thing as you, or if they do they haven't found it either.

How long were your relationships with your other exes?

you cannot compare how you feel after 3 years to how you would feel after a few months.

or have you never felt excitement/ripping his clothes off with your current partner?

Your older friends - especially if they are old enough to have lost the chance to have children - need to justify to themselves why they made the life choices they made. That's fine, totally ok for them. But DO NOT let them push that on to you. You need to make your own choices about what you think has the best shot of making you happy.

I don't think I know anyone in a successful marriage who still fantasises about their partner or has that rip their clothes off feeling - that's something that may or may not happen at the start of a relationship, but fades with familiarity.

If you're fortunate to conceive easily, carry the pregnancy to full term and have a live birth you're really not going to be thinking about ripping your partner 's clothes off (or how attracted you are to him), at this point they will be first world problems.

He may or may not make a good partner to parent with that remains to be seen

I think if you definitely want children, leaving this man to maybe find someone within a year or two who you a) fancy the pants off and who b) wants children with you fairly soon and c) doesn't mind low libido from the outset is a pretty long shot.

Bear in mind that having children isn't always so simple, miscarriage and infertility can happen. If having kids is 100% what you want then I'd have them with this man as he's kind and dependable.

Having kids crushes the passion a fair bit anyway. I think it's better to think of it as 'would I want to run a business with this person' than 'would I want to run away with them into the sunset.' Reliability, openness, commitment are all more valuable than spark and flair when you have kids, imho. Having children is great but it's also a slog!

Good luck

I think it’s a no go. I couldn’t settle with someone that I thought dull, he deserves someone that is more on his wave length and you do too, I’ve been with my DH for 40 years next year and still very much fancy the pants off him, life’s far too short to have doubts after 3 years, and want children he will or could still be mr dull after having children, he’s introverted so will probably never be the extrovert that you maybe need, your friends are single so maybe you feel they are enjoying their life more than you, you have to do what you feel is right for you,

These posts advocating settling remind me of the frequent threads on here from women wondering how to get the spark back as they feel their relationship is now no more than that of housemates, that they’ve had their heads turned, that kids absorbed what little romance they ever had with their partner.

Then it turns out they never had any spark, there’s nothing exciting to return to. That because their friends were coupling up and having babies, their clock was ticking, he was Mr Right Now, they were in their 30s, and they didn’t think chemistry was important.

It leads to loneliness, dissatisfaction, mutual resentment, affairs and/or divorce/separation and not having those kids you so wanted 24/7.

It’s one thing to regret your relationship changing over time or after children. It’s another to knowingly inflict a half arsed relationship on an unsuspecting partner and being innocent children into it.

I say settle, if you want children. You are 36, your fertility is not improving, and bearing in mind you have got this far without meeting the elusive man of your dreams, are you likely to meet him in the very near future? While under time pressure?

Your friends are entitled to their choices, but did you meet the ex-partners they refused to settle for? Are their expectations realistic? Were these partners even offering marriage and children? You might be thinking of giving up an option they did not actually have.

Having said all that, have you discussed marriage and family with your DP? If he was hesitant then obviously I would move on.

One person cannot fulfil everything you need in life. Why do you want to fancy him like crazy but have a low sex drive? That doesnt make sense. Realistically at 36 you may end up looking for the next 5 years for your perfect guy.

Never, ever settle. It only leads to resentment down the line.