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Relationships

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Original poster

To settle or leave? Want kids

67 replies

LeaLeek · 04/10/2022 14:34

Hello, I'll try keep this short as I know there are lots of similar threads like this which I've read through and all seem to say similar things.

I've been with my partner for 3 years, I've just turned 36 and he's nearly 38. He's kind, patient, good job, loyal and everyone that knows him always states how much of a nice bloke he is. We both want the same thng e.g kids, stable life etc.
The main thing that is giving me doubts is that I do not fancy the pants off him like other exes and he doesn't really make my belly hurt from laughing, he's quite an introvert and tbh I find my friends more fun company although I do enjoy his company at times. I have a low sex drive and he's not a pest which in the past have caused problems with other guys.

I have a few single friends older than me who have said they would never settle for someone that they wouldn't want to rip their clothes off and have non stop laughter which is making me doubt the relationship. Previous exes I had the intense chemistry but they didn't treat me well in other ways (e.g did a runner when I was ill or they met up with exes)

I have a feeling lots will say dont settle but wanted your thoughts. Thanks

OP posts:

GoneBeserk · 05/10/2022 02:57

This relationship sounds like a dead end. You may never have kids if you've this guy, but hey Better not to saddle yourself with a man you don't especially want to be with. Life is hard enough with kids without starting off in a questionable relationship.

Cameleongirl · 05/10/2022 03:10

Hmm, I fancied the pants off DH when I first knew him, but it’s settled down now (20-plus years) and I’ve never found his humor hysterically funny, tbh. It’s very silly and sometimes potty-based! But, he’s so intelligent and intellectually curious, I enjoy spending time with someone like that and I still fancy him, just not in the same bodice-ripping way. 😂
He’s also my friend and has my back, which is so important in a LTR. Do you feel that way about your DP and vice versa?

I’m not suggesting you “settle,” OP, but life isn’t a romantic novel and like a PP said, seeing my DH being a great parent (he really is) makes me love him more. Enjoying time apart with other friends or needing time alone isn’t a bad thing either, it’s unusual to want to be together 24/7, I’d find it stifling.

Cameleongirl · 05/10/2022 03:15

One person cannot fulfil everything you need in life.. This is so true!

FrozenGhost · 05/10/2022 07:11

I don't think you would be settling to marry this man. Your relationship sounds like a completely normal one. A few moments of silence after spending two weeks together? Getting annoyed with each other occasionally? You must know this is normal.

If you don't want him though, throw him back. Don't worry about him, he would be extremely sought after and would be in a new relationship with a younger women within weeks if not days, he'd be married within the year.

Dery · 05/10/2022 07:30

I also think your relationship sounds completely normal and I think your expectations are unrealistic. Of course there will be times of silence after 2 weeks together. Comfortable silence is one of the boons of a relationship. And why are you taking advice on relationships and partners from older friends who are single? Their approach hasn’t worked for them, has it?

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 05/10/2022 08:04

they wouldn't want to rip their clothes off and have non stop laughter

This sounds bloody exhausting!

Luxembourgmama · 05/10/2022 08:50

The butterflies and excitement are precisely what you DON'T want with the father of your children. You want steady love. I think he sounds great.

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/10/2022 08:52

Luxembourgmama · 05/10/2022 08:50

The butterflies and excitement are precisely what you DON'T want with the father of your children. You want steady love. I think he sounds great.

They’re not mutually exclusive. You can get butterflies with someone you’re in a longterm committed relationship with and have children with. When we were knee deep in nappies and worrying about rising council tax and ill relatives we were saved by laughing together at stupid things and fitting in a shag when we could which kept us close and together.

Luxembourgmama · 05/10/2022 08:59

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/10/2022 08:52

Show quote history

I associate butterflies with the toxic does he love me does he love me not kind of drama. You can be attracted to a long term partner of course but you shouldn't be unsure or nervous/anxious.

MsMarch · 05/10/2022 10:11

I think you have a very unrealistic view of long-term relationships and marriage. I love DH. He is my best friend, we talk all the time, he's my partner and is supportive etc.... but if we went on holiday for 2 weeks we would 100% come home and immediately disappear off to different rooms or zip out to meet friends separately.

It sounds like you think that unless you're joined at the hip, you're not in love and the marriage won't last.

Personally, I can't think of anything worse.

My life is fuller and better because both DH and I have time to ourselves and time with other people and then we come back together to share things that we've done, learnt. heard, felt during those times.

Original poster

LeaLeek · 05/10/2022 13:57

Gonebeserk, I do want to be with him but was wondering whether not feeling the butterflies/giddy excitement was normal.

Camel, yes he's also like a best friend and he is a great listener he will patiently listen to me moan for hours about something that happened at work for example

Frozenghost, you're right he can probably get a younger, hotter (less moany) woman! I should try and visualise it, always a case of you want what you can't have hey! Sigh

Dery, in fairness none of the friends havnt told me to get rid just that they wouldn't settle for etc but yes i shouldnt take their comments to heart. Suppose they are single for a reason, they are also wanting kids. One of them gets ghosted as soon as she mentions wanting kids which makes me sad

MsMarch, thats nice to know married couples still need their separate time. I have a married friend and she loves spending 24/7 with her hubby, I think she prefers holidaying with him rather than us which made me feel abit abnormal for preferring a holiday with the girls! I know my life would be more enriched with DP, my OLD experience when I was 29-32 was horrific so I don't know why it would be any better now.

Anne/Lux, am guessing there's varying degrees of butterflies? Looking back the intense omg feeling were likely feelings of anxiety (toxic exes). My married friend said she has little butterflies but not overpowering

Am glad to hear my expectations are unrealistic, I need to stop ovethinking

OP posts:

Angelofthenortheast · 05/10/2022 14:21

I think you might just have a case of FOMO from what you're friends are telling you. The kind of guys who are so exciting that elicit a ripping their clothes off type thrill are not usually the guys who want to get married and have children.

It sounds like you've got a good guy tbh

Orangello · 05/10/2022 14:39

is that your first long term relationship? It's totally normal that the first can't eat-can't sleep rush of love doesn't last for years and years. We couldn't survive if it did. Sounds like a normal relationship. It's not so much that you cannot live without the person and more about if you can live with them.

MsMarch · 05/10/2022 16:15

Well, if it's any consolation - your friend would be very unlikely to be friends with me or any of my friends! Don't get me wrong, holidays with the girls are few and far between these days because it's complicated with life and work and DC etc, but people who are joined at the hip with their partner are people I generally find I don't become friends with!

A friend once told me that when her children were young, she felt that the thing that made her and her Dh perfect is that they were basically the perfect Job Share people! They were just working together to get all the stuff done, often taking it in turns!

SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 05/10/2022 16:35

The idea of settling is quite a new one. In the past when people did not have a large choice of partners, just people in the village, small town or at work, most people kind of settled for the best bloke they could get in their neighbourhood. With OLD you can be in a sweetshop of hotties, most of whom have no intention of having kids any time soon.

Dery · 05/10/2022 16:50

“Dery, in fairness none of the friends havnt told me to get rid just that they wouldn't settle for etc but yes i shouldnt take their comments to heart. Suppose they are single for a reason, they are also wanting kids. One of them gets ghosted as soon as she mentions wanting kids which makes me sad”

It’s not so much that you shouldn’t take their comments to heart - it’s more that their way of doing things hasn’t worked for them so why would you follow it for yourself?

As a number of PPs have said - this guy sounds great. Being realistic about the fact that no man - no person - will tick every single box and acting accordingly is not settling. If he ticks a number of the most important boxes - and it sounds like he does - that’s great. I’m sure you’re great but I’m guessing you’re not perfect; why expect perfection from him?

If your friend finds men do a runner when she mentions kids, it could be because she’s still going for the hot-hero-bad boy type with whom she has crazy chemistry but crazy chemistry is often generated by the kind of tension, uncertainty and dysfunction which is the opposite of a good, stable relationship. Robin Norwood is really good on this in Women Who Love Too Much.

And yes, married couples don’t need to be joined at the hip. DH and I have shared and separate interests; we do some things together and some things with other people.

TiredButDancing · 05/10/2022 17:00

We went to the 50th wedding anniversary party of our neighbours. He stood up to make a speech which he opened with, "Having been married for 50 years, I think I am qualified to offer some advice on how to stay married. My top tip for men is - do your share of the chores and don't forget to hang up the washing".

I think that's a far better indicator of a good marriage than wanting to rip his clothes off. I can think of any number of men over the years who I was insanely attracted to. None of them would have made particularly good husbands.

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