To settle or leave? Want kids

[LeaLeek]

Hello, I'll try keep this short as I know there are lots of similar threads like this which I've read through and all seem to say similar things.

I've been with my partner for 3 years, I've just turned 36 and he's nearly 38. He's kind, patient, good job, loyal and everyone that knows him always states how much of a nice bloke he is. We both want the same thng e.g kids, stable life etc.
The main thing that is giving me doubts is that I do not fancy the pants off him like other exes and he doesn't really make my belly hurt from laughing, he's quite an introvert and tbh I find my friends more fun company although I do enjoy his company at times. I have a low sex drive and he's not a pest which in the past have caused problems with other guys.

I have a few single friends older than me who have said they would never settle for someone that they wouldn't want to rip their clothes off and have non stop laughter which is making me doubt the relationship. Previous exes I had the intense chemistry but they didn't treat me well in other ways (e.g did a runner when I was ill or they met up with exes)

I have a feeling lots will say dont settle but wanted your thoughts. Thanks

I think he deserves someone who is more into him. And this isn’t about sex and libido, OP. You sound like you just about tolerate him. He tolerates your low libido. You tolerate his dullness. Why bring children into something so stale?

I agree with 'don't settle'. You are already bored with him it seems. It won't get better. Children deserve more than parents who just tolerate each other.

Has he talked about having children with you, or just that he wants children some time in the future? Has he proposed to you? Talked about getting married?

I don' understand why you want someone you "fancy the pants off" if you have a low sex drive and have felt previous partners were "pestering you" for sex? That feels like a dichotomy to me.

I'll give you the advice someone gave me once when I was worrying about whether I loved now-DH enough - when you see him after a little time apart, do you smile? When I was asked that question, DH happened to turn up to collect me after a train had been cancelled. He was wearing the most ridiculous and embarrassing outfit (he'd just jumped in the car to come get me) and as he got out of the car he threw his arms out in this big expansive gesture (TOTALLY NOT me) and I found myself laughing.

That's when I decided I would marry him.

Having said all that - don't "settle". Movies and books portray true love in a way that is not always realistic - finding a relationship that isn't rainbows and sparklers but that makes you happy is not settling. Staying with someone you don't really believe makes your life better is settling.

This is a good part point! It's hard for us to judge because we don't know the full picture. But this poster and the other one about Mr hotter are very true but you won't understand until your a parent.

Looks or excitement do not raise kids. I was also thinking for low sex drive could become am issue for new partners.... has it been before? Hoeses for courses OP.

I’d stick with him. You’ve got a low sex drive, so you probably wouldn’t cope with a ‘hottie’. He’s kind and reliable. You love him. He sounds like perfect husband and father material.

Why would your boyfriend want to settle for someone who finds him dull? He should aspire to better. Let him know you’d be ‘settling’ if you stay with him, you aren’t in love with him, you find him dull, and alright to be around sometimes. Let him decide if he wants you. Only fair.

What do you mean when you say you have a low sex drive, but go on about ripping clothes off and fantasising about blokes? 😄

@LeaLeek

If you want kids - leaving a good and reliable partner at 36 is the worst thing you can do. There is a time and place to look for that hot man you want to rip clothes off. And that man isn’t normally the best person to have kids with.

Your single older friends who don’t want to settle for ‘less than ideal’ men - are single and childless for a reason. The man of that description who also would want to have kids with them at the time they are still fertile - simply doesn’t exist.

Your choice is to have kids with a man who by the looks of it would be a good father/partner.

Or to leave and join your single older friends chasing some idealised version of a partner, and very likely remain childless.

If you had a raging libido and weren’t attracted to your partner - it’d be different. As it is - you may not be in the stage of your life where that is something you’d be feeling anyway.
As to having more fun with friends - it’s normal. There is a difference in interactions with friends Vs someone you share daily grind of life with.
I think it’s totally unrealistic to expect your partner to be your ALL - sex god; friend; entertainer; provider; perfect potential father; romantic; etc.
If your man hits a few of the more important of these goals - it’s already great.

Dating in mid-30+ is a nightmare. With fertility slipping away - women in that age seek a man to date/have kids with on a short timeframe. Men sense that women have deadline to find baby-daddy - and resist the pressure. It’s painful, for all involved. Think very carefully about joining that pull of women.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

@MMmomDD has nailed it. Completely agree with her and a number of PPs who say that this man sounds like he’d make a great father and it doesn’t sound like you would be settling if you stay with him.

You can hold out for the fantasy romantic hero-hottie who you permanently lust after but who also offers you all the qualities this guy offers, but he doesn’t exist.

I have a few friends who have never settled down and they have tended to be the ones who talk about waiting for their Prince Charming or their knight on a silver charger or they’ve been ridiculously prescriptive in who they’ll date.

It sounds like there’s a lot of really good stuff going on and he sounds like a keeper. Your older friends who are holding out for the perfect guy - they’re single, right? No-one’s perfect. You’re not perfect, I’m not perfect. My DH isn’t perfect but I don’t expect him to be because I’m not. But he ticks the really important boxes and after 20 years together, we are still (most of the time) very happy.

I have a few single friends older than me who have said they would never settle for someone that they wouldn't want to rip their clothes off and have non stop laughter which is making me doubt the relationship.

Lea, to me those are the ingredients for having a terrific fun time with someone I wouldn't necessarily want to marry. A wonderful short-term relationship. And I had lots of those before I married.

To me, 'being in love' means the passionate lustful romantic period when you're first with a new lover.

With the only two men I've loved deeply and for many years (my DH and an earlier 10-year relationship), that 'in love' feeling grew less intense over the first year or so. It settled into something deeper and stronger which I'd call real love. It included commitment, empathy, an intention/hope of permanence, and strong concern for his well-being.

I'm only really putting this into words as I'm writing, so I hope it makes sense -- I hadn't thought this through in detail before. It's partly because I keep reading people saying "I love him/her, but I'm not in love with him/her." But I think what they mean is "I'm very fond of them, but I don't love them in either a romantic or a long-term committed sense."

So I think your feeling for the man you're seeing may be nearer real love, the sort you could live with long-term and have children with, than the sort your friends describe.

While I was slowly thinking my way through that, most other PPs have said the same things but more succinctly!

I doesn't necessarily mean you're settling it you don't want to rip your partner's clothes off. I've had a guy who I DID want to rip his clothes off, and he was a horrendous person. Now I'm very happy with my husband. I don't obsess and fantasise about him like I did with my ex but it's probably healthier that way, and certainly a much healthier relationship! I love him and respect and admire him and he is a wonderful person. He makes my life better and makes me happy. I don't feel like I'm settling at all.

However, this made me wonder- "I do enjoy his company at times. Only at times? I love my husband's company all the time... if you spent 2 weeks straight with him, for instance on holiday, how would that feel?

I settled for a safe, stable relationship got married and had dc. Now divorced and would 100% advise against it

Marriage is tough, especially with kids. IMO the ability to laugh even at the shitty times is crucial. Lack of sleep, stress, sick kids, housework, juggling work life balance. If you can't laugh through that it's pretty miserable

Thanks everyone for your replies, I appreciate all the honest views and yes it does sound silly reading it back when I say I want to 'rip off clothes' yet have a low sex drive, I should had said i wanted more of that butterfly/excitement feeling. My feeling is more of content when I spend time with DP. DP isn't a dull person sorry I meant we do have dull moments e.g sat in silence for few hours after 2 weeks together or when he annoys me by breaking something by accident so I refuse to talk to him all day 🙄he's very family orientated man who wants to get married and have kids which weve discussed. I accept he is abit of an introvert which is OK as previous exes were extroverts and we clashed.

I say I enjoy his company at times as we can have days when he annoys me so those times I'd rather not be around him! 😅

Those who have said not to settle I totally get your views as it does seem unfair on my DP but I do wonder if he's settling too as he has had nightmare exes and I am not as attractive as I was 10 years ago! Those with partners who still light their fire you're very lucky 😁

Those who have said not to leave have pretty said the same thing as my mother, she adores DP and has said if I was to leave she very much doubts il find someone as half decent as DP and will probably end up with no kids dating a d#ckhead and also added am no spring chicken

And yes you're right am not sure why am comparing myself to single friends/taking their comments to heart. I just had abit of panic moment as my best mates are single and say the same thing not to settle so wanted views from other women on here who don't know me.

Again thanks for your views its really made me think xx

when he annoys me by breaking something by accident so I refuse to talk to him all day

Everything else aside, this is horrible abusive behaviour. You don’t respond to someone making a mistake by punishing them with the silent treatment. It’s so dysfunctional and cruel. I doubt you’d behave like that towards your mum or a friend, don’t do it to your partner.

Anne- this was abit exaggerated/trying to joke here, I will talk to him but will have face on for few hours as I am a mardy cow!!

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I think the main concern is that you don’t sound like you enjoy his company much. I have been married for a long time and the passion is basically long-gone, but I still hugely enjoy my DHs company. I prefer talking to him than to anyone else I know. That’s pretty important I think, otherwise what’s the point?

I say I enjoy his company at times as we can have days when he annoys me so those times I'd rather not be around him! 😅

what are the particular behaviours or traits that annoy you on those days?

Yeah that comment made you sound like a bit of a twat OP.

LifeSlalom, I do enjoy talking to him but after spending long periods of time (e.g especially during Covid) some days I'd rather talk to a friend but as a previous poster said I shouldnt compare.

RandomMusings, he can sometimes be abit clumsy at times, eg buying the wrong gift(for family)/getting dates wrong. No bad malice, however I get easily irritable/impatient when it comes to these things

Thats fine if people think am a twat, I probably am one!
Again thanks for all your replies x

If you're not in love with him, it seems a bit unfair to stay if he believes you are. Surely, he deserves someone who is in love with him?

In all honestly I don’t think you are settling, to me it sounds like a normal relationship! When you’ve been with someone for some time it does get a bit boring, you don’t really fantasise about them but what becomes more apparent is the other great qualities such as loyalty, trust, respect (the things it sounds like you didn’t have before!)
The grass isn’t always greener on the other side

Do you love him?
Do you want to hang out with him when you are both retired?

If not then move on

Hang on.

so you have a low sex drive but you're complaining about how he doesn't make you want to 'rip his clothes off'

You say he can be dull but in the same paragraph you said all your exes were extroverts and you clashed. So what do you want, introvert or extrovert?

And if he ACCIDENTLY breaks somethings you won't talk to him all day / be a mardy cow all day.

Let the bloke go, seems like you don't know what you want.

And I promise you one thing when your tits are on fire with 45 minutes sleep and a screaming baby, you're not going to want to have belly laughter and intense sexual ripping clothes off chemistry.

You're going to want all the good traits you've stated that he has.

Ginger, yes I do love him but not head over heels/thinking of him 24/7 type but maybe I need to rethink the definition of love and am confusing it with infactuation/lust?

Sassypants, that's reassuring to know. I have an image married couples can't keep their hands off each other 😄

Colleen, yes we enjoy going out/staying in and also travelling although I would still like the option to do this with friends also

MrsHadley, I had to re-read my original post. Its my friends that wanted the rip off clothes but I was missing the fancy pants off someone which is similar but abit different.

Yes I would get mardy for few hours there's no denying that. A funny introvert would be perfect 😉
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