Online Dating

[davrospatel]

How long did you give online dating a chance before you deleted your profiles and gave up permanently?

I took regular breaks from it over the 12 months I was on it and deleted my profile now I’m settled with my partner - who I met on there twice but that’s a whole other story 🤣

it is a minefield but it can work -you definitely need to be in the right headspace to deal with it though.

Good question!

One month! I've had two coffee dates and a few chats that went nowhere.

I've realised that I'm actually not that bothered about not finding/having a partner.

I have a child, a home I like and am not looking to marry again. Finding true love would be great but not at the huge compromise most relationships require.

Why are you wanting to give up? If you’re still looking to date but not having much luck then I’d look at a) having a good, honest friend or two help you to review your profile in case it’s sending out the wrong messages about what you’re looking for, your attitude, your boundaries etc and inadvertently attracting the wrong sort of attention; b) think about what sort of messages you’re responding to: if you’re engaging with any old dross that just messages a low effort scattergun “hiya” as their first message then you need to reason that communication and effort ain’t going to upwards from there and ignore those people in favour of only those who put some effort in; and c) who you’re opting to go on dates with, whether they’re actually what you’re looking for, and whether your boundaries are tightly screwed enough that you’re not coming across as a pushover or vulnerable.

@anthurium I think that is just it i don't personally need a relationship and never want to get married. Id be open to a relationship but actively looking for one has never worked.
@Sclover0604 i guess it works for some people but not those who are highly sensitive like myself!

@ComtesseDeSpair I want to give up because you can't gauge chemistry. So much time wasted chatting and messaging only to find when you meet in person you don't like them! At least in real life i know within seconds if i click and fancy someone.

Try to delete them before you think 'this is sucking the life out-of me, I won't be doing this again'.

2 weeks on, make some fate arrangements, deactivate and wait and see if they pan out. If they don't, take a few months off then try again. No need to 'give up perminantly'. They're a good tool when used sparingly and in the right mindset.

*date not fate

Honestly? Don't take it so seriously, take it as an opportunity to have a coffee, meet new people, not as some awful process to get A Relationship or find The One.

@davrospatel I was OLD back in 2019-2020 and met someone . I had 3-4 constant dates a week (I'm older, in my 50s, don't know if that makes a difference). I had the time of my life and a big boost to my (already inflated I'll admit) ego. Met someone, we are really happy.

You can find out a lot by just chatting online with someone but I used to meet 72 hours after first match at the latest. My current one we matched at 10pm, we chatted early the next morning, coffee at 10 and the rest is history.

@Oopsiedaisyy I don't believe in 'The One' or soulmates. How do you not take it seriously?
@forgotoldusername What is your secret to getting to meet so quick? Also are you in a city? What site or app did you use? Did you pay or just be a free user?
@Pinkbonbon maybe for some people but would really use online dating say for 10 years hoping you would meet someone?

Don't waste time on chatting and messaging. Just enough to establish basics about them - where they live (area not address), what they do, their interests or hobbies (asking someone what they did over a weekend or what plans/holidays they have gives some insight), how they text (do they ask questions or just send emojis and one word answers, or veer towards sex innuendos ).

Then meet up. When I was OLD I didn't message longer than 2 days before I either asked them out or they asked me out. If they're dragging feet on meeting up stop the chat. Also try and do a bit of online sleuthing to check they're legit and there's no social media with wives/gfs. Though if there isn't anything public, don't hold it against them.

What is suggested for a date, also important. Delete guys who suggest you go over to theirs as a first date. All this you can assess in 2-3 days and not get emotionally invested. So if it doesn't work out on the actual date, you can shrug it off. Never get your hopes up with a guy until you've had the relationship status chat. And try to multi date if it's not difficult so you don't get too attached to any one guy.

It's ok to take frequent breaks from the apps when it gets too much! Better for your mental health and that way you don't burn out to the point you're traumatised by them.

@ganvough If you share no interests/hobbies with the person on the app and your using a swipe based app like Tinder would you personally just swipe left? If someone had no bio i would automatically think they were lazy and not serious.

I was about to give up in summer after having getting tired of bothering engaging for people who just didn’t really seem worth the effort. I matched with someone after I’d decided to delete the apps, and for whatever reason left it a few days before deleting. In that time the match on bumble expired and he had extended it. I sent a message and we started chatting, and got on well, but I was completely disengaged to the extent that I asked him if we could meet him quickly so that I could write him off (poor guy). From that meeting we have not looked back. I’m highly sensitive too but he gets it, he is receptive and tolerant and unbelievably kind. Turned out he’d paid to subscribe just to get that extension on our match, because he had a hunch about me.

moral is it can happen in the weirdest way, and at the weirdest time! Don’t put too much stock in it, meet them early, don’t waste time on messers. Good guys are out there.

I tried it on and off for 8 months and found it utterly soul destroying. It made me think I was some utterly repulsive person and that there must be something wrong with me. I met a couple, one I'm still in touch with, but for me it just wasn't my thing. There are some good men on there but from my experience they are few and far between. I also don't do multi dating, maybe I'm old fashioned but to me that's just two-timing.

Good question. And I have to say if I like the look of them and there's some info available (but not loads), I will swipe right and then ask. I know a lot of people struggle to write up a bio that communicates everything and have different opinions of what's a hobby.

I've met my exH on Tinder when it first started and back then no one put much into the bio. He had nothing on there but he had kind eyes and was attractive so we matched. I didn't get loads from our text chat but he mentioned he was doing a part time qualification as was i - so I figured we had the common value of self improvement. Turns out we had loads in common but it was stuff he'd have struggled to capture in his bio. And stuff he didn't consider a hobby, so wouldn't have put on there anyway. Example: he cycle commuted to save money, so didn't see it as a hobby, and would never have mentioned it if asked. But obv that meant he was comfortable going on bike holidays and doing long rides - just had never considered doing it till I mentioned it as it was my hobby.

My current DP I met on Bumble: and the hobby he listed was not one I liked. And he ticked the 'apolitical' box which I saw as a red flag. But he was attractive, did a job I greatly respected, lived close by and replied with very polite and timely messages. I asked him out after just a few messages. Turns out he wasn't apolitical, was incredibly knowledgeable and opinionated about it, but thought being 'political' meant you sit and talked about it every day for hours, and he didn't. And it wasn't a deal breaker for him that I didn't do his hobby as we've both started participating in each other's hobbies. So being willing to try things was the common value, not the hobby if that makes sense.

@davrospatel I was on hinge and tinder. I hated the idea of bumble. I never asked them out, they did or I unmatched.

I also waited for their first message and had various recent photos. Full length and face. I explained I was looking for a serious relationship. I also said I have a PhD in STEM so someone with similar education would suit me better (this was a bit wankerish, but I really wanted someone highly educated that was more important to me than a high paying job). I also liked someone who spoke more than one language (I speak 4, again a bit wankerish). didn't care about height - so my ex was 5'11 and the current one is 5'7.5
(They told me that many women stipulate "at least 6ft).

First date was coffee, if that went well I wanted full name and to connect on LinkedIn . Second date I expected a really nice dinner on a big day (Saturday or Friday, Thursday if things were really tight) which also helped weed out some married men. Be careful of those who've been there for years.

I'm conventionally pretty - girl next door type. Minimal make up, very regular features etc so I think that helped. I'm no supermodel but I have really lovely skin and hair (thank you tretinoin and minoxidil) and I have a nice slim body so I think it all helped.

I paid for both sites as I wanted more control - there's nothing bad being on apps but I like the idea of determining who can see me on it etc

So, no special secret I guess. My friend also had lots of success and she has been with her partner for 1.5 years. She followed a similar approach (she is actually younger, 32). I think there's someone for everyone and it's just a matter of finding the best way to go about it. Good luck, please don't give up so easily. Ask a friend to read your profile, make it nice but clear on what you want. Please don't use negatives it's so offputting. Good luck

@ganvough @forgotoldusername do you mind me asking how old you are? And also if you have children? I'm not ready to OLD yet but feel like being 39 with 3 small children automatically puts me in the write off pile?

@anotherdayanotherpathlesstravelled I'm over 50, children grown up (2 adults and one boarding). So basically I am properly "single". I think your situation with small children is way more difficult, having to organise babysitters etc. but still feasible (way more difficult to do last minute coffees though). I am sure younger daters can give you some tips

@forgotoldusername Instead of stating i was looking for a relationship on Tinder i put 'LTR oriented' instead which i suppose conveys the same message hopefully.

“I’m looking for people who also want a serious LTR only, not interested in FWBs or something casual” does the job perfectly. “LTR oriented” is just potentially confusing, it sounds as though you either haven’t made your mind or aren’t brave enough to be firm about your boundaries and what you want. Be clear, else you risk ending up a few weeks into dating somebody having them say “oh, I assumed that meant you were still undecided and were open to casual” or whatever.

@davrospatel I guess it's the same maybe spell it all out. Give the impression of "professionalism", I preferred it but everyone is different right?

@ComtesseDeSpair good point. Looking for a long term relationship. And if I was OP I wouldn't mention at all FWB (some people say "not interested in FWB" but I think it's better to just state what you want not what you don't want

I am just dipping my toe back in after a long break.

I've set myself some rules which makes it easier, eg:

If they don't respond with questions at all - unmatch.

If they can't pencil in a date- unmatch.

Anyone living with ex / still married - unmatch.

Anyone crude or calling me sexy - unmatch

Anyone who can't spell - unmatch

@SideshowAuntSallly Oh i agree i am not someone who can do multi dating too.

So much time wasted chatting and messaging

Don't do it, then. Just send a few messages each way and if you think he's worth meeting, suggest meeting. There's nothing wrong with saying 'I don't want to spend hours getting to know you on a screen, let's go for a coffee next week.'

If they say no, they're not for you.

The fact that you are wasting your time chatting online isn't a fault of online dating.