Online Dating

[davrospatel]

How long did you give online dating a chance before you deleted your profiles and gave up permanently?

But that's what defines the numbers game. The higher number of places you are, and the more times you're in them, determines how 'lucky' you'll be. Like a lottery: you have to buy a ticket, and the more times you buy a ticket, the more likely you are to win. Of course you hear the stories of 'I won and it was the first time I bought a ticket', but it's likelihoods. The more you keep putting yourself in likely places/positions to meet the person you want, the more likely you are to meet them. If you want to meet a runner, go to a running club. If you want to meet a classical music buff, go to orchestral concerts.

I went on around 3 1/2 years ago and went back recently after the end of my relationship and so many of the same men on there! I think some are permanently looking and so are

Yes, that's true, but it's helpful to filter out the 'perpetuals' and look for people who've recently joined that you don't recognise.

I tried it for six hideous months. I was looking for a man, mid 40s to 50s. My experience from the guys I met:

Happy to have a fwb but wanted a lady in her 20s for a relationship.

Lots of guys who were bitter and/or quick to anger.

Very poor communication skills and lacked even basic etiquette.

Profiles which detailed lots of hobbies with photos supporting this however in reality interests stretched to eating and watching TV. Football if I was lucky (watching not playing).

Many liars whether it be height, age, occupation or marital status or all four.

A staggering amount who said they suffered with ED.

Guys planning second dates (during first date) then ghosting.

Honestly I didn’t meet anyone ‘normal’. It felt like all the dross that nobody would want was on there hoping to get lucky. I would never go back.

But then, lots of people meet their long term partner there and are very happy, so one person's shit experience doesn't count for much. It stops it being shit if you can walk away from an unsuccessful date laughing, saying 'Well, that wouldn't work!' and just see it as a bit of fun, rather than letting it affect how you feel too much.

I go on and off and on and off !

I agree that you set the rules and standards
and use your own judgement to filter people

Where is the empirical evidence for "lots", or is this your anecdotal experience?

@WatieKatie

Yes, sadly I have found this to be my experience too (and I've been on and off the apps for 5 years or so, so lots of dating experience!). I have dated men in their 30s to 40s normally but have found similarities with your post:

"Lots of guys who were bitter and/or quick to anger", yes, anything that is different to what they've experienced in life - I've been called "crazy, unhinged" for having pursued solo parenting by sperm donor - well, what was on offer at the time when I was dating were men who didn't want a family/ or we were just incompatible! They seem not to comprehend alternative routes/families come in different shapes and sizes.

"Very poor communication skills and lacked even basic etiquette" - yes, inability to engage with another person on a meaningful level, happy to keep answering questions you've asked them, hardly ever come up with original questions or ask you about your life, unable to carry on a conversation beyond the superficial day to day chit chat, overall poor emotional skills.

"Many liars whether it be height, age, occupation or marital status or all four." Yes - "misconstrued truth" once you've dug deeper into their lives.

"Profiles which detailed lots of hobbies with photos supporting this however in reality interests stretched to eating and watching TV. Football if I was lucky (watching not playing)." Yes - this nebulous hobby which turns out they do once in a blue moon, or something they did when younger.

And these were the men who initially had very interesting profiles/photos to begin with!

I never had a LTR from online dating (and met my amazing DH, as cliche as it sounds, when I wasn’t even looking, at a bar I didn’t even want to go to) but I did my fair share of OLD and deleted it a few times as well. I did meet some nice guys through it, just no spark. I do think it’s a numbers game though because you just never know who you might meet, and I have several friends that met their long term partners online.
You could always try speed dating, dance classes, hobby meetups and other type of real life events if you prefer to meet people in person. Again I have a friend or two who met their partners that way.
Good luck!

Online dating gets better when you get the hang of it and once you know that there are online dating sites that work out there such as meetfems. I realized after almost a few months that I am not happy with just getting messages from guys with just photos. So I moved on to video date apps and that is how I found real guys to chat with. It took many weeks to find a couple of worthy guys and many hundreds of messages.