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Original poster

Should I break up with him?

53 replies

novalia89 · 01/10/2022 20:21

I feel really immature regarding these things. We are both in our early 30s and don’t have a lot of dating history. I want to just confront him, but other people I have spoken to seem to think that it is more of a red flag. I feel really petty and immature asking the same things to them.

I have been with my boyfriend for 10 months, and we see each other once a week. We have been on a few holidays together where we spent more time together. He lives about a 45 mins drive away, so not close but not beyond what people commute everyday.

The last few weekends he hasn’t been able to see me for various reasons, family, friends etc. and sometimes he needs personal space (for the entire weekend). My friend thought that this was a red flag because I am very much an active person, I hardly ever have a day of doing nothing. I don’t know how this can progress into anything further if I am not a priority.

But I have been feeling neglected lately. Last weekend he was busy early Saturday to Sunday evening, so I didn’t want to pester him, but then I found he went to the pub on Friday night. This weekend he has gone to a beer festival with a female friend (more in a bit) and will be too hungover to see me tomorrow. Next week he had drinks planned with his friends so I wouldn’t see him then either (just on Friday night).

He is quite a reserved person and doesn’t like phone calls so we don’t discuss these things.

Regarding the female friend he stays at her house afterwards and has seen her a few times since we got together. My friend’s opinions are split on this because I stay at my male platonic friend’s occasionally when I have been drinking and they live in a doffeeent city. However, I am currently alone and he is out with another woman. It makes me feel a bit neglected.

Honestly, is this going nowhere? Could he be cheating also?

OP posts:
OrlandointheWilderness · 01/10/2022 20:22

Definitely dump. C'mon, you are worth more than this!!

jeffbezoz · 01/10/2022 20:24

Dump. Get a hobby to ease the mind.

Dotcheck · 01/10/2022 20:24

You’re his back burner girl

Oopsiedaisyy · 01/10/2022 20:26

You are only a priority when he doesn't have something better to do

Original poster
novalia89 · 01/10/2022 20:28

Yeah, I feel that

OP posts:
Surtsey · 01/10/2022 20:35

He is quite a reserved person and doesn't like phone calls so we don't discuss these things.

Oh dear. So in other words he doesn't like being questioned and won't have a proper conversation, and you just have to lump it?

pheonixrebirth · 01/10/2022 20:39

He's treating you like an option. Know your worth and kick him to the curb.

OnaBegonia · 01/10/2022 20:41

If he can be arsed he sees you once a week, doesn't phone, this isn't a boyfriend, it's a casual pal
you occasionally have sex with.
In the bin with him.

puddingandsun · 01/10/2022 20:51

It's hard to say why he is being like that and how strong are his feelings/ commitment.

It's easy to see this does not feel right to you. If you don't want more of it - end it. People change but not because someone else wants them to.

MsDogLady · 01/10/2022 21:27

Novalia, it does sound like he is underinvested.

I’m wondering if you have an equal arrangement for traveling to each other. Are you ever included in his plans with family and friends? Have you even met them? Has he met yours?

After 10 months, he should be prioritizing your relationship, not excluding and marginalizing you. This wouldn’t be the man for me.

MissMaple82 · 01/10/2022 21:31

Fir someone who comes across as an intelligent woman, I can't believe you're needing to ask the question!!!!

Original poster
novalia89 · 01/10/2022 21:33

I have met all of his family and stayed at their house for a few days. He has also met mine and came on holiday with my family. We had an intense month but since then he has had weekends to himself, weekends where he was busy helping someone and went to the pub on the Friday, weekends drinking and being too hungover the next day. I think that it is just a sign of the future.
We should be at the stage now where it’s expected that we see each other all weekend. Since the holiday in mid August we have only spent 3 weekends together and he is only free this weekend because his drinks with friends were cancelled.

OP posts:
yougotthelook · 01/10/2022 21:36

novalia89 · 01/10/2022 21:33

I have met all of his family and stayed at their house for a few days. He has also met mine and came on holiday with my family. We had an intense month but since then he has had weekends to himself, weekends where he was busy helping someone and went to the pub on the Friday, weekends drinking and being too hungover the next day. I think that it is just a sign of the future.
We should be at the stage now where it’s expected that we see each other all weekend. Since the holiday in mid August we have only spent 3 weekends together and he is only free this weekend because his drinks with friends were cancelled.

Chuck this one back in the pond OP.
He's lukewarm at best...by now YOU should be his priority, not everyone else!
You deserve so much better xxx

minticecreamisjustok · 01/10/2022 21:38

He's not making any effort to see you, he doesn't want to because he'd rather do other things, that's enough to end it.
Don't waste anymore time on him, he isn't worth it.

Kate1808 · 01/10/2022 21:59

This reply has been deleted

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loopyb · 01/10/2022 22:04

Sorry but I disagree with everyone else here! It sounds like he's pretty upfront about his boundaries, and you haven't told him they're different to yours/ upsetting you? I don't think everyone's idea of a relationship at this stage is that you have to spend every weekend together.

If you really like him you should at least give him the courtesy of explaining how you feel - things could change for the better!

Dery · 01/10/2022 23:20

I don’t think you necessarily have to spend the whole of each weekend together but overall it sounds like he’s not too bothered whether or not he sees you. That’s not very promising.

JustKittenAround · 02/10/2022 01:12

Sounds like this isn’t working for you. You deserve to have the relationship you want and sometimes people are great but it’s just not a fit. If he saw you seriously then you’d be invited or both of you would be hosting and melding friends.

Aggypanthus · 02/10/2022 01:20

Chuck him back. Don't ask him anything and don't look back

MsDogLady · 02/10/2022 02:24

Thanks for elaborating, Novalia. So you’ve both met and spent time with the families. What about friends?

You and BF had concentrated time—a holiday—with your family in August. Since then he’s backed off somewhat, spending 3 of 6 or 7 weekends with you. I wouldn’t be impressed, especially about the weekends when he couldn’t see you because he didn’t limit his drinking the night before. That was certainly a choice.

Re the female friend, is she a good friend of long standing? I’d wonder why he didn’t plan to go to the festival and have fun with you. Also, I would expect my BF to be open to phone calls. Just messaging is too restrictive.

I’m afraid I don’t see this relationship progressing, Novalia.

Smallonesaremorejuicy · 02/10/2022 02:38

He seems to have a lot of hangovers! Dump him asap by calling him on the phone .

Downunderduchess · 02/10/2022 04:21

He would rather do nothing than bother to see you, absolutely shows where you are on his priority list. Please don’t waste anymore time on this.

Cakeycrumbz · 02/10/2022 06:24

You can't trust people and we love in a lying generation unfortunately. The traditional relationship is now a thing of the past in my opinion and we now live in a modern dating app/social media/phone era and it's so easy for people to have multiple people go mix with!

It's a really slow moving relationship with barely any time together and now he's stepping away even from that..if I was you I'd walk away now as its no fun is it?

sammylady37 · 02/10/2022 06:29

We should be at the stage now where it’s expected that we see each other all weekend

I’d run a mile from a boyfriend who said this to me. He should be able to see his friends/family at weekends or just have downtime to himself without the expectation that he spend all weekend with someone he’s been with less than a year. That attitude is smothering to me.

Blushingm · 02/10/2022 08:17

I'm assuming you both work full time but only see each other weekends? Why not a night in the week?

You have to think though - if he spent every weekend, all weekend with you he would see no one else.........that's not fair on him or his friends

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