Should I break up with him?

[novalia89]

I feel really immature regarding these things. We are both in our early 30s and don’t have a lot of dating history. I want to just confront him, but other people I have spoken to seem to think that it is more of a red flag. I feel really petty and immature asking the same things to them.

I have been with my boyfriend for 10 months, and we see each other once a week. We have been on a few holidays together where we spent more time together. He lives about a 45 mins drive away, so not close but not beyond what people commute everyday.

The last few weekends he hasn’t been able to see me for various reasons, family, friends etc. and sometimes he needs personal space (for the entire weekend). My friend thought that this was a red flag because I am very much an active person, I hardly ever have a day of doing nothing. I don’t know how this can progress into anything further if I am not a priority.

But I have been feeling neglected lately. Last weekend he was busy early Saturday to Sunday evening, so I didn’t want to pester him, but then I found he went to the pub on Friday night. This weekend he has gone to a beer festival with a female friend (more in a bit) and will be too hungover to see me tomorrow. Next week he had drinks planned with his friends so I wouldn’t see him then either (just on Friday night).

He is quite a reserved person and doesn’t like phone calls so we don’t discuss these things.

Regarding the female friend he stays at her house afterwards and has seen her a few times since we got together. My friend’s opinions are split on this because I stay at my male platonic friend’s occasionally when I have been drinking and they live in a doffeeent city. However, I am currently alone and he is out with another woman. It makes me feel a bit neglected.

Honestly, is this going nowhere? Could he be cheating also?

But why aren't they doing things together as a couple more? After 10 months of he's keeping all his groups separate that doesn't look good

@deedledeedledum they are though, it's just the last couple of weekends. Op says they've been on hols etc in august

They could go out for dinner or cinema etc in the week but it seems everything is limited to weekends

It sounds to me like he’s not interested in immersing you in to his life. He can’t see you at the weekend because he’s seeing his friends. Why does everything have to be so separate and compartmentalised? It doesn’t sound like there’s a future with this man.

We do see each other in the week occasionally, but an evening of watching Netflix and then leaving at 6am to go to work is not the same.
But he is also often tired in the week. For instance, last weekend he was busy doing family stuff from 8am on Saturday so I thought that friday probably wasn't the best time. He arranged to come to my house on Monday instead. The Thursday (before that weekend) my plan had been cancelled and I asked him if he wanted to go to the cinema that evening and he said that he needed to catch up on sleep. Yet on the Friday I find he went to the pub with his friend.
This weekend he said that he was busy with the drink festival at the weekend and would be too hungover on Sunday, but again went to the pub with his friend on friday and for brunch with his friends on Saturday, spur of the moment. I get Monday evening again (tomorrow). It doesn't make you feel like a priority. I had asked him if he wanted to do something in the week and I would cancel my plans on Thursday but again he needed to do chores.
I definitely don't mean that I want his company for myself each and every weekend. I mean that it should be standard that we see each other unless stated otherwise, and an alternative should be proposed. We are still at the stage of 'do you want to do this on Saturday' 'no I'm busy at the weekend'. Instead of, 'sorry, we need to rearrange seeing each other because I have a plan with my friend'.
I don't know how you progress from this to moving in together unless we see each other more and it is expected.
Eventually I don't even think that we will need to see each other all weekend. I would like to e.g. go for a run one morning and he pops out to meet a friend, with the times around them together.
I feel totally bottom of the barrel at the moment.

You have different priorities.
Id end it.

He so definitely not putting you first. He would rather do chores than see you.

I begged for my partner back and now i feel like hes taking advantage. We were together 7 years and in that time he met my family once, has never been out with my friends never does anything im interested in. Does nothing for me to the point his fsmily turned on me and he defended them and i spent the next 2 years proofing i was telling the truth. What shall i do ? Do i leave or do i stick it out becaus ei love him?

You've been seeing him for an incredibly short time

He isn't making you happy

All this angsting isn't what I'd expect in the first flush of a relationship

Have more self respect and get rid

An update for anyone who cares and it reading this thread adds to the whole 'dump him' opinion.

We had a talk after this thread and I said that I wasn't happy with his female friend taking the time and I outlined exactly what I wanted from the relationship. He is very much a yes man and apologetic and agrees to what I wanted.

However, on Saturday evening he went to a comedy show with his female friend, driving out of his way to pick her up as she doesn't drive and drop her off. Then after the show he drops her home but they end up having a few drinks and he needed to stay over. They then went to a NT property the next day. (I had asked him to come to my nephew's birthday and he had an acceptable excuse of why he couldn't before that was cancelled). So he went to the NT instead with her and then me in the evening.

Obviously when I found out I was extremely mad at him and didn't want to see him. He has been very apologetic and said that he didn't think of my feelings but he doesn't see an issue of staying at the house of a friend of any sex.

However I definitely think that boundaries have been crossed. I was unaware of this this time, it was totally unnecessary and inappropriate. I don't think that you should have drinks and stay at a friend of the opposite sex if you are in a relationship unless it's a once in a year catchup or something. He swears that there is nothing going on between them and that they have no history. She is single but hasn't said that she has any feeling for him.

Anyway, he was really apologetic and said that he would stop seeing her. My sisters and friends think that I should accept that and move on, but my friends both think that I should meet her to see the dynamic between them.
It's a complete mixed bag on here, some people say inappropriate and others say that I would be fine if he was male and we shouldn't see all females as sex objects. My friends partner who heard my rant said no, dump, but my sister's said give him another chance.

Am I really controlling/jealous for (in my heart) wanting their friendship to stop (his suggestion) or have extremely clear boundaries? Should I just find a partner who would do that anyway. My friend's also think that he wouldn't just end a friendship if it was that close and why would he suggest that instead of meeting and he might still see her anyway.

I forgot to add, he is on extremely thin ice, I was ready for a breakup on when I saw him.

You actually sound like a really controlling and high maintence person. Your language around your boyfriend is also very dismissive and disrespectful, 'a yes man' - I think he should dump you and move on.

Since the holiday in mid August we have only spent 3 weekends together and he is only free this weekend because his drinks with friends were cancelled.

This relationship has been over for weeks. Stop wasting your time.

Oops sorry, by flatmate called him the yes man and I just copied. It's a bit rude.

I think it bothers me more that a hangover is an excuse. I know everyone is different but if you really like someone after that much time I’d want to see them regardless even if it’s just to hang out together. Tired from work and hungover etc always feel like shit excuses and that I am not actually important. Investing 10 months is quite a long time in my book. However accepting him not seeing his friend any more is also wrong. That’s nuts for both of you to have agreed that. He may just see her in secret to keep the peace so to speak! Doesn’t sound like you get each other at all in some areas. Communication needs to improve if it’s going to work.

Ah OP, you are probably going to get a pile on now as technically, yes you are being controlling/jealous.

For what is worth I wouldn't feel comfortable with this female friend and the frequency of their time together and the nights over. It comes across as if there were no consequences (you threatening to break things off)and he had a choice in going and doing things with you or her, he would pick to hang out with her. Although, it seems now he is willing to ditch the friendship with her? I would be weary of that as he could still meet her and just lie about it.

Everyone has different boundaries. You aren't in the wrong to feel upset about it but he isn't in the wrong either to hang out with her if genuinely there is nothing going on between them. Unfortunately, you will have to take his word for it unless you are willing to meet her and gauge her reaction and the way they interact with each other.

How much are you invested in this relationship? Madly in love with him? Did you see him as a long term partner, potentially a husband and father of your children type of thing (if that's what you want in the future of course) or as companionship, having fun and sex for as long as it lasts?

If you feel it has ran its course and it's causing you more drama than it's worth then end it. Just make sure whatever decision you make, you don't regret it!

I don't think he is treating you particularly badly, I think you jsut aren't aligned with what you want from this relationship and it doesn't sound like you are able to discuss this with him, so it's best to move on.

Wanting the same things and being able to communicate thoes wants are really key elements to a relationship.

Why are you not invited all the times he's hanging out with his friends?

It's not controlling to not want your boyfriend staying in another woman's house. I think it's odd that he offered to stop seeing her when it sounds like they've been close friends, spending a lot of time together.

I would just dump him now. He won't ever put you first. He'd rather do chores than see you!

I didn't suggest him ditch his girlfriend, he suggested that and I have already said that I am willing to meet her but I still don't like the overnight stays in her house.
I haven't threatened to leave him, I have just expressed how hurt I am and annoyed.
I should add that he drove 45 mins east to pick her up and drive to the city that I live in for the comedy show and then drove her home and then went into her house for drinks and stayed over. They then visited the NT property the next day (even though I had already asked him about my nephew's birthday and he said that he was busy with a different plan). So he came to see me at 6pm on Sunday for that entire week.

So yes, call me jealous and controlling if you think so but there are definitely other people that don't think having drinks with a friend of the opposite sex, staying at their house, spending the following day with them is unreasonable. I didn't know that any of this was happening because he said that he was at his family's house on saturday because of family issues.

At the end of the day, I think that we have different priorities/expectations of what a relationship is. I do want to have children in the future so that is always in the back of my mind because I haven't got loads of time to waste.

I do not think that you are controlling at all!!! He is prioritising everything apart from you -I say dump not because he is two- timing but because he is just not giving you enough consideration.

It depends on how it all makes you feel, but it sounds like he isn't reassuring you a lot or making you feel cared for/ important/ included.

It sounds like you are the sort of person that likes to do things as a couple, and he is fiercely independent and puts his friends first/ doesn't want to be in touch that much. It's difficult to make it work but not completely impossible, both have to compromise though.

Have you told him how you feel about all that?

In your situation I'd be quite anxious too and question what he really feels for me. Getting you 2 into a relationship situation where you'd both feel confident and comfortable would be very hard work. I'm going to be honest, I'm pretty self-assured and have had a partner that spends a lot of time with female friends, but if I really loved the guy what you're describing would bother me and eat away at me.

If he's the love of your life have an honest chat with him. However anything less, it sounds like a lot to put yourself through and it's clearly already affecting you. Do you want to spend the next year and beyond worrying about all that?

As someone who met someone 18 months ago and we now live together, this relationship would not have worked for me.

We both wanted to spend as much time together as we could.

He is not meeting what you want. I wouldn't give a fuck aboutt his boundaries etc I would care more that he wasn't meeting my relationship needs and happily looking after his own.

This man is not for you. He won't make you happy!

He is really not that into you. Let him go. After ten months and in your mid thirties you should be spendng loads of time together, building a shared life towards marriage and children.

This is way to hard for a relatively new relationship. You’re giving him way too much headspace.

Don't waste any more of your life on him.

So you told him you wanted to feel more of a priority in the relationship after he put getting pissed and seeing others first

He agreed

Then spends the majority of the weekend with his girl friend and blows you out for your family event

I mean he just doesn't care does he. Or he doesn't get it. Or he's not that into you.

Either way this isn't the relationship you're looking for. You've already told him what you need. And he cannot/will not do it.

Dump and move on

Whether or not he is seeing a female friend is beside the point. It's never boded well for me when partners or I have wanted to keep things compartmentalised. Especially now its at the expense of seeing you at all. Why couldn't he have invited you along to some of these events? If I'm honest it's because he's not that bothered. I think you can do better.

45 mins drive would be no distance and a hangover would be no excuse to a man who really wanted to make time for you.

As it stands, you're the one trying to push this along and he's going 'yes, yes' but not showing any enthusiasm. Sod him, frankly.