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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Asked him not to do it..

85 replies

Changeduser · 29/09/2022 13:47

But he carried on I said again don’t and he said i will
(slapping bum during sex) not hard but enough to make a noise!

do people actually enjoy this? I found it makes me feel horrible
i brought it up in morning but he doesn’t take me serious

OP posts:

BadNomad · 01/10/2022 04:16

I'm sure your kids will understand one day if you leave their father because he wouldn't stop hitting you.

Weenurse · 01/10/2022 04:38

I would matter of factly ask him why he does it.
“I noticed recently that you have been smacking my arse during sex, why do you do that and where has this come from? Is it for your enjoyment or mine as I don’t enjoy it?”
Have a calm conversation and if he starts with the voice, call him on it.
“I notice you are trying to get out of this conversation and deflect what I am saying, is it because you feel uncomfortable with the topic or the fact that I have an opinion and a preference?”
Keep calm and bring all deflecting back to the topic.
It may take a number of conversations to work out what is going on.
When he wants sex, ask about hitting, if he can’t promise not to hit you, you can’t promise intimacy.
Good luck

YRGAM · 01/10/2022 06:03

If you don't want to leave over it, the next time you are having sex and he does it, stop that exact second and tell him why. I guarantee he will never do it again. But TBH I think there is a wider problem of him not respecting your boundaries and your opinions. Does he usually disrespect that you want and think?

Hallmark1234 · 01/10/2022 06:43

Refuse to have sex with him unless he agrees not to hit you

Original poster

Changeduser · 01/10/2022 07:34

Thank you @QueenCamilla this is all true ive called him up on mysogyny but he laughs and says hes not
Can i ask what’s the script?

OP posts:

Louie26 · 01/10/2022 07:41

Why not sit him down and talk

And say I need you to understand that this type of thing make me uncomfortable
I know you find it funny but I don't feel comfortable and I want to enjoy our intangible time together that might change in the future but not right now.

And if he doesn't listen then you'll have your answer

QueenCamilla · 01/10/2022 12:55

Changeduser · 01/10/2022 07:34

Thank you @QueenCamilla this is all true ive called him up on mysogyny but he laughs and says hes not
Can i ask what’s the script?

The Script is the one where the man is ready to leave the relationship but tries to save his great-man image by making you the baddie. This is mostly how "psycho" ex-wives are created.

In this case, he is the one behaving unreasonably but he's making a new "script" for that moment when you break up, ie - you were boring, uptight, frigid, no fun, dull and naggy. Gives him a reason to walk away and with a Poor Me story to boot.
There must be lots of threads on The Script on Mumsnet as it's such a common male behaviour. Unfortunately.

Don't let him rewrite the situations. And if it gets any worse (though I think it's bad enough already), take that decision in your own hands and initiate the break-up. Name the reasons why.

wellhelloitsme · 01/10/2022 13:00

i don’t want to uproot things for the dc

To stay with a man who believes he owns your body and has the right to do what he wants to it, then laughs at you when you say that's not right, is to show your children that men are in charge and women should do as the man says even if it's upsetting, painful or abusive.

That's what they will learn growing up around this dynamic. You'll say they don't notice. Growing up in this environment is insidious, they soak up the atmosphere and the dynamic and it's normalised.

Then they replicate it as adults.

To stay with a man like this is unfortunately letting your children down in the long term

OldFan · 01/10/2022 13:28

Ugh, he is abusive (the baby voice, mocking you etc are part of that) and risks becoming more abusive in future.

Please stop being involved with him ASAP @Changeduser

layladomino · 01/10/2022 13:46

Yes I would definitely break up a marriage for that,

Because it shows your DP doesn't respect you, he thinks his sexual kicks are more important than your feelings, he makes fun of you, he infantalises you, he thinks he can do what he wants to your body, he is happy to upset you.....

This isn't about 'just' smacking your bottom, it is about not respecting you as an individual human being with equal rights to his. That is damaging for you and very damaging for your children.

I couldn't be attracted to a man who didn't respect me. I couldn't feel sexy around him and I couldn't enjoy sex while on edge waiting for him to hit me. If he can't show that your wellbeing and sexual enjoyment are as important as his own to him, then he shouldn't expect a sexual relationship.

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