Bought parents house - having issues with expectations

[PinkyBrain853]

I couldn’t figure out what category to put this under so thought maybe relationships was best, though to clarify it’s to do with my relationship with my DF. We agreed to buy my DF’s house earlier this year - we were pleased as it’s a huge property and made moving easier. It’s lovely and we were interested in it anyway, but he really pushed for it.

My DH and I both work in high-pressure jobs so work a LOT Monday - Friday, we are expecting a baby, and have a 10 yo. Our weekends are spent A) trying to turn this house around B) catching up with people we haven’t seen in months due to clashing patterns and C) desperately trying to find some time just to chill out and enjoy each others company.

I had a blazing argument with my DF last night because he was angry he couldn’t come and stay with us this weekend as we have plans. He says that his plan when he moved out was to come and stay every 3 weeks and that we agreed (we did not). I have never sworn in front of him, never mind at him, but I absolutely lost my sh*t. He started being manipulative and asking where he’s supposed to stay when he wants to visit, and that “well I just won’t plan to visit you so often - I know where I’m not wanted” (he’s talking bs- he was coming for a doctors appointment…which he currently has almost weekly!!! Which is a whole other problem as I can’t cope with him staying every week, it disrupts EVERYTHING as you have to make sure he’s seen to and fed, as a “guest”)… and so he could go to the pub with his friends at the weekend) and started with the “well fine I guess I’ll just have to book hotels when I come down”. I was SHAKING with anger. He has a bad habit of also saying “I can’t believe I can’t even get to stay at MY house” - it isn’t his house!!! He wanted us to buy it so it didn’t go to a stranger!!! I have told him that if this is going to be an issue, he needs to make a decision right now as we’ll sell to someone else and I’ll get a different home. Low and behold - he doesn’t want this! He can’t understand why he can’t stay over even when we have other actual guests staying or plans for other people to be here. I tried to explain to him that if I invited him over for a night, I wouldn’t then invite other people over - because it’s rude. He said it isn’t and that it would 😂🙃

I kind of just needed to sound off because I’ve been really upset about it. I told him the situation was stressing me out and his answer was “well what’s the point in that, just stop letting it stress you out” - im not like him and I can’t cope with arguments etc. I can’t just forget. I know this will come up again and that’s why I’m so stressed. He seems to think it’s a personal thing against HIM. This will eat at me for weeks. He’s retired and doesn’t understand that we’re busy people. I explained it’s not about not wanting to see him, but that genuinely our weekends are currently fully booked! Not to mention I am VERY pregnant.

Am I being unreasonable? Am I going crazy for not agreeing to let him stay every 3 weeks? I feel like as a married adult woman with a family, it is ridiculous to expect me to live my life on a 3 weeks schedule because he wanted us to buy his house and move an hour or so away. He could just drive up and back if push came to shove!! It’s not ideal but our other parents do that when necessary.

Sorry for the giant post also - i felt like everything needed explained 😂

Yanbu

Boundaries innit. It's hardest to set boundaries with parents because we are programmed to want to please them.

When you have the baby you'll have more time at home and will feel a lot less stressed. So keep the lines of communication open. He's your dad and he loves you.

He probably had the wife at home to cater to his every whim too, and doesn’t see you as a woman with a career, but one with a “little job to help out”. You need to tell him that if he isn’t happy with his current setup, then he needs to move closer to where his doctor’s appointments and friends are, but NOT with you.

He didn’t want the house to go to a stranger, because he still sees it as his house. I’m not sure that is ever going to change.

Part of the problem is your expectations of yourself to treat your dad as a guest. If you could let those expectations go - and dad doesn't get dinner cooked or special food or fresh sheets and sorts himself out - would that help? I think that's what he's telling you by saying be less stressed. He doesn't expect you to twist yourself into knots over his arrival.

Why get drawn in? ‘No thanks.’ Reconfirm to him you will be selling your house if he keeps up the demands/theatrics, since he has an issue with you living in your house, his choices are: change his behaviour, or the house gets sold. Opt out of his bullying.

Did he sell you the house at a discounted rate or include furniture fittings etc that he wouldn't have left for a stranger? If so perhaps he has a feeling of entitlement and ownership still.
Like a PP has said, I wouldn't rush around after him when he comes to visit. No cooked meals beyond what you would do anyway. He can make his own bed etc.

This is part of the issue - he wants special bedding on because the stuff we use is “too hot” and while he gets his breakfast sorted, after we finish work at night he waits for his dinner made! If we eat “too late” we get the chat about how bad it is for your health 🤣 I want to have him round and enjoy his company as OUR GUEST, but it’s bloody hard when he’s expecting to be looked after and stay for 5 days at a time. (E.g he has a doctors appointment Friday, and a dental appointment Wednesday…so his plan was to stay Thursday PM to Thursday AM! It’s a lot)

You really need to tell him that he doesn’t live there anymore, and he can go home to the bedding he likes. You eat when it suits you, not him. If he wants to be a lodger then he can pay full board and bills.

No, we bought the house with nothing in it, at the market value, and he also left lots of his stuff for us to clear out! This was another thing he threw back at me… he has been once or twice to take HIS stuff away, he told me yesterday he “won’t bother to help anymore - we can do it ourselves”. But when we said we were going to get a skip to clear out the 2 garages and the stuff left on the attic…he wouldn’t let me because he wanted to go through it and doesn’t want me throwing out things he wants. It feels like I just can’t win at times!

With respect: this was pretty much inevitable when you bought "his" house. It enabled him to continue thinking of it as his house. It's always going to be his house that you happen to live in, in his mind.

The question is, can you live with that? If yes, fine, but you'll have to put in boundaries and deal with him kicking off about that. If not, you'll have to sell.

To clarify too - my DH is very much on the same page but my DF would never speak to him like that or be so petty the way he is with me. He plays devils advocate in a way as we do want him to feel welcome but he just does not seem to think like a normal person, maybe because he is retired and has all the time in the world.

Surely there are some simple fixes to this

He brings his own bedding and makes his bed up when he gets there

He sorts his own breakfast out as he does now and applies the same skills to his dinner, in fact it would be nice for him to cook you all dinner, presumably when he was living there alone he did these things for himself then?

YANBU! And possibly off-topic slightly, OP, but if he’s moved an hour away and he’s still registered with his old GP, is it an NHS practice? Because surely he’ll have moved out of catchment - is he still using the old address?
(I know it’s not the same for dentists - my dentist is miles away from where I live)

He’s refusing to change GP at the moment because “wait times are too long” where he stays now 🙃 I have raised issue with this and said it would be much easier for him if he was registered closer. He is in the middle of a referral for his eyes, so I understand not wanting to change right in the midst of that, but I am wanting to apply pressure to change after this is sorted (he’s referred for laser so this should be soon). The expectation of staying every time he has an appointment is, I feel, a lot. Especially as an older gentleman. It wouldn’t matter so much If they were less often - he’d of course be more than welcome.

Either he's a guest and he comes when it's convenient TO YOU, or he actually lives with you in which case he mucks in and contributes like any other family member.

Sounds like he wants the home comforts in a hotel.

YANBU at all of course. If he wants to be in the area then he needs to buy a house there, not assume you'll just put him up whenever.

“If you want to be treated like a guest, you have to be invited or at least get our approval. If you want to come and go as you please here’s a key but you will be billed 1/365 days of council tax and bills for every night you spend here.”

As I understand it, you’ve relieved him of a burden and given him a hefty share of what would be YOUR inheritance by buying the family house. Unless he’s spent exactly the same on a new place to live.

This reminds me of the film Secrets of Osage County. Meryl Streep is the angry, manipulative, trouble stirring mother, offering to sell her daughter some family knickknacks.
Daughter: ”Or…. We could just wait until you’re dead and take them for nothing.(headtilt)”
Nobody speaks like that in real life, and I’m sure your father isn’t quite so entitled but it might give you a different perspective on the situation.

Thanks everyone and also for your suggestions! It is making me feel better than I’m not being unreasonable and that he is indeed being unfair. He’s (of course) more than welcome to stay, like any of our parents, but the setting of boundaries is proving to be a tricky one - haha!

He’s actually not bought a new house - he was already living with his partner (who is LOVELY and very good at getting him
to wind his neck in with these things). So, Yep, I have given up what would be my part of the inheritance, taken all the bills off his hands which he was having to pay despite not staying down this way much, and he has gotten a large chunk of money to add to his retirement pot. I believe he just shares some of the bills for the rental with his partner 😊but it isn’t very expensive!

If he hasn't bought a new house then would he consider buying a one bedroom flat near you (if you are in an area that has a mix of housing)? He could leave the bed made up as he likes it and join you for dinner occasionally. He would also still be a homeowner, which he should be concerned about as he could potentially be homeless if his partner dies suddenly or they split up.

We spoke about that extensively before he did this - we actually offered to almost do a house swap and sell him our old property (3 bed with garden, very close to town so he could walk to pub). He didn’t want to do it! He’s been so picky with houses it’s ridiculous - doesn’t want something with a small garden…doesn’t want hassle of neighbours…wants a garage…doesn’t want bumpy country roads…wants neighbours who won’t complain about his music or no neighbours at all…doesn’t want too small a house. He’s in his late 60’s and has strange ideas as to what he actually needs property-wise. This was/is a 6 bed property with 3 bathrooms and a big garden and he was staying in it alone! Never had people over to stay apart from a handful of times a year. For some reason he thinks he needs something this size 😂 it was absolutely filthy when we moved in because (understandably seeing as he was one person) he wasn’t using any of the rooms..so wasn’t cleaning them! If he would just buy a 1 or 2 bed apartment or home he would be set.

But he's unbothered about whether you are affected by his music I take it? Does his partner's house fit all his requirements, or is that 'different'?

He doesn’t get to stay up listening to what he wants all night when he’s here - thankfully we’ve managed to curb that and ensure it doesn’t happen 😅 and yeah, it’s “different” when he’s there. He still does it occasionally but he’s more respectful/doesn’t stay up as late as he did when he was staying alone.

Hmmm, I take his point if he’s midway through treatment, @PinkyBrain853 , but after that there’s no excuse for not changing to a local surgery. Meanwhile I sympathise. It does sound as though your Dad wants to hold onto the house with you as a proxy. Not fair to you and your family.