Bought parents house - having issues with expectations

[PinkyBrain853]

I couldn’t figure out what category to put this under so thought maybe relationships was best, though to clarify it’s to do with my relationship with my DF. We agreed to buy my DF’s house earlier this year - we were pleased as it’s a huge property and made moving easier. It’s lovely and we were interested in it anyway, but he really pushed for it.

My DH and I both work in high-pressure jobs so work a LOT Monday - Friday, we are expecting a baby, and have a 10 yo. Our weekends are spent A) trying to turn this house around B) catching up with people we haven’t seen in months due to clashing patterns and C) desperately trying to find some time just to chill out and enjoy each others company.

I had a blazing argument with my DF last night because he was angry he couldn’t come and stay with us this weekend as we have plans. He says that his plan when he moved out was to come and stay every 3 weeks and that we agreed (we did not). I have never sworn in front of him, never mind at him, but I absolutely lost my sh*t. He started being manipulative and asking where he’s supposed to stay when he wants to visit, and that “well I just won’t plan to visit you so often - I know where I’m not wanted” (he’s talking bs- he was coming for a doctors appointment…which he currently has almost weekly!!! Which is a whole other problem as I can’t cope with him staying every week, it disrupts EVERYTHING as you have to make sure he’s seen to and fed, as a “guest”)… and so he could go to the pub with his friends at the weekend) and started with the “well fine I guess I’ll just have to book hotels when I come down”. I was SHAKING with anger. He has a bad habit of also saying “I can’t believe I can’t even get to stay at MY house” - it isn’t his house!!! He wanted us to buy it so it didn’t go to a stranger!!! I have told him that if this is going to be an issue, he needs to make a decision right now as we’ll sell to someone else and I’ll get a different home. Low and behold - he doesn’t want this! He can’t understand why he can’t stay over even when we have other actual guests staying or plans for other people to be here. I tried to explain to him that if I invited him over for a night, I wouldn’t then invite other people over - because it’s rude. He said it isn’t and that it would 😂🙃

I kind of just needed to sound off because I’ve been really upset about it. I told him the situation was stressing me out and his answer was “well what’s the point in that, just stop letting it stress you out” - im not like him and I can’t cope with arguments etc. I can’t just forget. I know this will come up again and that’s why I’m so stressed. He seems to think it’s a personal thing against HIM. This will eat at me for weeks. He’s retired and doesn’t understand that we’re busy people. I explained it’s not about not wanting to see him, but that genuinely our weekends are currently fully booked! Not to mention I am VERY pregnant.

Am I being unreasonable? Am I going crazy for not agreeing to let him stay every 3 weeks? I feel like as a married adult woman with a family, it is ridiculous to expect me to live my life on a 3 weeks schedule because he wanted us to buy his house and move an hour or so away. He could just drive up and back if push came to shove!! It’s not ideal but our other parents do that when necessary.

My dad stays with us regularly and absolutely we would not hesitate to invite other people over while he's here etc. But the big difference between us and your father is expectations - with the exception of ensuring there's clean bedding in advance etc, Dad just chips in. Sorts his own breakfast and lunch if we're working, will take a turn making dinner for the family and is always happy to spend an evening or day out with our friends etc (I have one friend whose husband I believe is now in regular WhatsApp conversation with my dad re a shared hobby!).

Your dad has to decide - formal guest at times that are convenient or member of the family.

I don’t want to upset you, OP, but the glaring omission in this tale of woe is where your MuM is.? If his current partner is a late relationship, she presumably doesn’t have much to say about his dealings with you, or perhaps about his behaviour in general.

Did your mother or his previous partners run around after him as the most important person in the household? Because he sounds as if he has a lot of rather selfish and self centred ‘needs’ which must be gratified by everyone else. The bedding! If it wasn’t so upsetting it would be hilarious. I had ( note past tense) who came to stay and threw all my loving laundered and arranged bedding on the floor because of a newly discovered allergy to ….virtually everything. She proposed that she would sleep under a sheet and we should run the central heating ( in Early September) so she didn’t get cold. 😂

SIL has exactly the same issue with my parents in law. When they moved away about 20 years ago, they sold their house to husband's brother and sister in law and their young children and moved 70 miles away for work. Everything was fine for 5 years until they retired and moved back to the same area, buying a smaller house about 5 minutes' walk from DH's brother and sister in law in the old house.

Brother and sister and law have the inlaws constantly on their case about "their" house. Why haven't they decorated? Why are they changing the carpet they put in about 1995? What's wrong with the kitchen, that cost a lot of money you know. and so on and so on.

Bugger pressed too soon. I was just about to add that I think the solution is on the horizon anyway. Because babies are very noisy and time consuming , especially when they are in the room next to your Dad., shrieking in the night.

good luck! Enjoy your house, it will be okay.

I’d probably let my own parents stay as much as your dad is asking to. The difference is my parents chip in and make my life easier not harder.

I was going to say he sounds lonely but you say he has a lovely partner. Could she come with him to do the looking after?

I realise this is not a long term solution and the sooner you get the boundaries where you want them, the better. But could it help take the immediate heat out of things?

His view of the house sounds extremely emotional - did he also view it as part of his 'status' and sees his new home as too small?

When the referral is through, he'll have to get on register with a local GP. Ours won't let you stay on the list if you've moved out of catchment. It's not allowed.

That aside, your dad is being massively out of order and good on you for losing it, actually. The line about selling the house was great and don't backpedal from there and give in to his piss-taking. You shouldn't be catering for him or putting him up for 6 days around his appointments when he only lives an hour away. The three-weekly schedule is pure fantasy on his part and you've been clear on that. Rightly so. Your priority is your baby, making this place your own home, and unlike a PP, I think it'll get worse when you're on maternity leave as he'll think you're fair game for him being there any time, so absolutely draw the boundaries now and enforce them. Next time he says he'll have to stay in a hotel, say okay. The umbilical cord needs to be cut between him and 'his' home, so he can start to see the new place as his actual home and let you live your life as you wish.

Otherwise, if he carries on like this, sell it. It's not such a great deal after all.

'shaking with anger?'

Just with the fact that he was getting angry and manipulative towards me for not having a bed available for him due to us having other plans, and making a humongous deal out of the fact we have other plans two weeks in a row (how awful of us) so he can’t just come and stay. He was being really really shitty about it. Usually I just cry when I get frustrated but it would appear my hormones have driven me past that point and I’m now full on rage mode instead 😅 we have already had words about this - with him in public making comments about how “he can’t even get a bed in MY (“his”) house” now that we own it, and also after he told me that if we have a friend staying, the friend should stay on a sofa bed so he can take the proper guest room. Hence why I’m at the point now where I am just mad at the fact he really doesn’t listen to me and is acting entitled to stay.

So, she was actually retired and then went back to work at the hospital during covid to help out as she realised she didn’t have enough things to do to keep her busy! We have spoken to him about finding hobbies and things because he isn’t filling his time, which I think is part of the problem! He has made friends in his new area and goes out for coffees and things with them, and he fishes too, but fishing season has been poor apparently which I think is egging him on more to come down this way. She does join him if they are staying weekends though, which is lovely! He’s definitely got an emotional attachment to the house which is 100% understandable, as it’s the house my mum and him bought before I was even born (she’s since passed), which was also a big reason he wanted to sell to us as that was also my mums plan - for it to be passed down if one of us could afford it!

YANBU.

The same thing happened when my SIL bought MIL's house (although to a slightly lesser extent). MIL simply could not adjust and would turn up unannounced all the time and act as if she still lived there, get upset about changes SIL made etc. I'm afraid it was never really resolved until MIL died. I suspect your FIL won't change much as he feels the house is still his, and all the rational discussion in the world won't change that. Would recommend strong boundaries, a lot of effort on both your part and your husband's to keep up a united front, and a sense of humour if you can manage it.

Don’t worry about it! So my mum passed away about 10 years ago now. Despite her working as a consultant at the hospital, she did still do all the looking after the house and us 😅 so yes, he has very much always been “looked after” - he’s pretty old school that way, just with where he came from and his age. He’s proud of me having the career I do (and my DH too), but I think due to how his life has always been he doesn’t have a grasp on how modern working families function and the spare time most of us actually have!

oh my goodness RE the sheet situation - you have to laugh at these things, or you’ll cry, right? 🫣😂

Sounds like he wants to treat you like a maid!! Like hell would I be doing that when pregnant! He sounds like my dad, born in 50s and thinks women should be 1950s housewives. My mother has basically done everything for him and now he is like a small child and can't do basic tasks for himself. He can just about cook but not clean up after himself. It's pathetic and really annoys me. Don't enable this kind of behaviour or you will fall into the trap my mother has! He should be ashamed of himself frankly. He also sounds terribly whiney and judgemental. If he said to me eating late is bad for your health I would be saying well this is what time we have to eat in our house due to work/other commitments, if you don't like it you are free to make yourself something or eat elsewhere! The sheer entitlement of this guy??!!! I'd be fuming.. do not run around after him you are only making the problem worse trying to be the hostess with the mostest. Most guests are at least polite to their hosts and don't complain, he isn't!

Oh OP I do feel for you and you really need to knock this on the head before the baby arrives.
I suggest having a few stock answers available for your DFs constant moans , so bedsheets "Thats what we prefer to have in our guest room DF, feel free to bring your own and make the bed up if you prefer.", on time of eating " We eat at this time as we are busy during the day, feel free to make your own dinner earlier or even better make dinner for us", on other visitors " We bought the house DF, and we will invite our friends to stay when we want, feel free to stay at home or somewhere else."

Basically once he sees he isn't getting a rise from you - good to say all of the above in an annoying sing songy voice - he might cease and desist on some of his annoying comments.

If it really doesn't calm down after the baby unfortunately I think you need to consider moving again.

Honestly, I'd stop pandering to him.

Call your local GP and make it clear that DF no longer lives at your address. GP will remove him from their books, so DF will have to register in his new area. No more 'needing' to visit you for medical appointments. Repeat with the dentist, and anyone/everyone else.

Hire the skips, and some help, clear his stuff, and bill him for it - as you would for any other seller who didn't clear their belongings.

Real family are the people who treat you with care and respect. You really need to reset boundaries with DF before the bairn arrives.

Of course YANBU. He's treating you like shit. What decent parent forces you to let them stay with you? I hope you're not letting him use your address for GP letters etc.

Something like..
'Dad, I'm sorry we argued last night, I thought I'd message and we could work out some ground rules. I knew you'd find it difficult moving on from this being your home but you seem to be struggling more than I expected. We're both busy working, I'm pregnant and we need to keep life going for (child) too. So you're more than welcome to stay once a month but we can't treat you as a guest. Please help yourself to sheets, breakfast and lunch. Dinner will be at xoclock, if you want to eat earlier grab a ready meal. (Etc)
If you need help moving your gp or getting your own place please ask. See you soon'

"Oh DF, I've realised how great it will be, actually. You'll be here regularly and able to bond with your new grandchild by being around and hands-on. Also having someone to babysit regularly so that DH and I can still enjoy eating out, socialising and having quality time just the two of us. This is going to work out really well. How are you with changing nappies, feeding, winding etc?"

Would this deter him?

If you've just bought his 6 bedroom house at the market value and he's living economically with his partner, he has got plenty of money to stay in a hotel if he wants to visit the area where he used to live.

I think you need to be very clear about your boundaries, even if this means that your relationship will - at least in the shorter term - be adversely affected.

I tried to explain to him that if I invited him over for a night, I wouldn’t then invite other people over - because it’s rude. He said it isn’t and that it would

He's right

I told him the situation was stressing me out and his answer was “well what’s the point in that, just stop letting it stress you out”

Again he's right

You do not have to let this stress you out.

Demonising him won't help you.

Going nuclear, flouncing and threatening to sell the house won't help you.

How come he thought he'd be visiting that often? He's unlikely to have just invented it. , so instead of using it as evidence to damn him, how about exploring with him what is going to be more realistic. I know that most of your post is about that, but it doesn't seem to include really listening to him

Would you not be annoyed if you were catching up with a friend who you hadn’t managed to see in months due to clashing schedules, and you arrived to find out that there was going to be someone else sat in the living room with you meaning you had no privacy to discuss everything you wanted to? If the house was set up as we intended it to be, then it would be okay as there would be separate living spaces, but as we have baby on the way and are doing so much renovation wise (as well as the fact we have an office each which takes up room) there isn’t space to host different groups of people atm. This is my issue with it. If someone did that to me when I was only seeing them for the night, I’d be taken aback. Also the fact that has the expectation that I will tell our guests to sleep on a sofa bed and not in the proper guest room because he has decided he is staying.

He pulls things out of nowhere quite often. I’m presuming this figure has come because when we bought the house, we had a sit down conversation where - when he mentioned coming down every 2 weeks to go to the pub with his friends - I said, well, you won’t be able to come and stay as often as that but you’ll still be able to come down and stay when we’re free. And DH said to him he’s always welcome when we’re free to catch up with him. From this it seems he’s deciphered that while every 2 weeks isn’t doable, every 3 weeks is 🤷🏻‍♀️ I also don’t want to be a base for someone to go out on the piss. I wouldn’t normally get angry, it’s just been building up a lot with all his fly away comments and large expectations.

Excellent advice.

Unfortunately your father is just another older man who happens to be selfish, spoiled and thinks the whole world revolves around his comfort.

Well done for blowing up.

Pull far back from him.

He sounds horribly manipulative treating his pregnant daughter and HER home like a maid inna B&B.

Be very firm with him and if he tantrums simply do not reply to him.

This is YOUR life.

I would seriously tell him that if he doesn't cop himself on, he will spoil your new home and you will NEVER forgive him for being so selfish.

Give him a taste of how selfish manipulation feels.

You do not owe your father your peace.

I meant to reply to last bit also: the issue was he doesn’t have anything for me to listen to. My whole suggestion was, he could stay on sofa bed if we have a guest round but if not unfortunately we’re busy with other things so he couldn’t stay (which is fair, I feel). He didn’t have a counter point, just “I want to stay whenever I want to stay” and that he wouldn’t accept a sofa bed, and then moaning about the fact he can’t go to the pub with his friends. Then the only other thing he would have to say is that if he can’t come every three weeks and be guaranteed a bed, he knows where he isn’t wanted. So it’s not that I’m not listening to him, we can offer him a bed whenever we have one, but I am a grown woman with a family and I can’t live my life with plans on hold just in case my dad needs to stay. I also have another sister in the area who has a house - he won’t stay with her because she can (also) only offer a sofa bed and has a toddler.

@RoseAndRose oops sorry I amn’t great for remember to tag when I reply - few Replies above. I understand that these things aren’t an issue for you though, it’s obviously just that we have differing opinions on these things!

I actually think you're being too understanding OP. How did he react when you swore at him? I'd just not pick up the phone for a while if he rings.