Bought parents house - having issues with expectations

[PinkyBrain853]

I couldn’t figure out what category to put this under so thought maybe relationships was best, though to clarify it’s to do with my relationship with my DF. We agreed to buy my DF’s house earlier this year - we were pleased as it’s a huge property and made moving easier. It’s lovely and we were interested in it anyway, but he really pushed for it.

My DH and I both work in high-pressure jobs so work a LOT Monday - Friday, we are expecting a baby, and have a 10 yo. Our weekends are spent A) trying to turn this house around B) catching up with people we haven’t seen in months due to clashing patterns and C) desperately trying to find some time just to chill out and enjoy each others company.

I had a blazing argument with my DF last night because he was angry he couldn’t come and stay with us this weekend as we have plans. He says that his plan when he moved out was to come and stay every 3 weeks and that we agreed (we did not). I have never sworn in front of him, never mind at him, but I absolutely lost my sh*t. He started being manipulative and asking where he’s supposed to stay when he wants to visit, and that “well I just won’t plan to visit you so often - I know where I’m not wanted” (he’s talking bs- he was coming for a doctors appointment…which he currently has almost weekly!!! Which is a whole other problem as I can’t cope with him staying every week, it disrupts EVERYTHING as you have to make sure he’s seen to and fed, as a “guest”)… and so he could go to the pub with his friends at the weekend) and started with the “well fine I guess I’ll just have to book hotels when I come down”. I was SHAKING with anger. He has a bad habit of also saying “I can’t believe I can’t even get to stay at MY house” - it isn’t his house!!! He wanted us to buy it so it didn’t go to a stranger!!! I have told him that if this is going to be an issue, he needs to make a decision right now as we’ll sell to someone else and I’ll get a different home. Low and behold - he doesn’t want this! He can’t understand why he can’t stay over even when we have other actual guests staying or plans for other people to be here. I tried to explain to him that if I invited him over for a night, I wouldn’t then invite other people over - because it’s rude. He said it isn’t and that it would 😂🙃

I kind of just needed to sound off because I’ve been really upset about it. I told him the situation was stressing me out and his answer was “well what’s the point in that, just stop letting it stress you out” - im not like him and I can’t cope with arguments etc. I can’t just forget. I know this will come up again and that’s why I’m so stressed. He seems to think it’s a personal thing against HIM. This will eat at me for weeks. He’s retired and doesn’t understand that we’re busy people. I explained it’s not about not wanting to see him, but that genuinely our weekends are currently fully booked! Not to mention I am VERY pregnant.

Am I being unreasonable? Am I going crazy for not agreeing to let him stay every 3 weeks? I feel like as a married adult woman with a family, it is ridiculous to expect me to live my life on a 3 weeks schedule because he wanted us to buy his house and move an hour or so away. He could just drive up and back if push came to shove!! It’s not ideal but our other parents do that when necessary.

So he's a highly abusive drunk and sounds like a thug.

You have been raised with a VERY low bar on how he can behave.

Most people would put serious distance with a man like that, wouldn't want him drinking around them and sure as shit not want him around their children.

He also sounds like a right CF accepting full market value but expecting B&B services to be provided.

You badly need counselling and to do the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk to see how fxxked up this is.

Step so far back from this man and tell him to find a hotel.

He's a bullying thug and you need to protect yourself from him.

Massive mistake buying this house.
Don't make it worse by allowing him near it.

Do yourself a huge favour and block him.

He pretends he doesn't understand you are busy because he is manipulating you.

He is an arsehole op.

There is nothing you can do or say to stop him bullying and harassing you.

Sell up and go no contact.

he was becoming violent with one of our party and had them by the neck against the wall because they said “you’re being a bit of a tube, they just want to go to bed.” The argument was because we were tired and wanted to go to bed when it got to 3 AM. He went blind rage because he was so drunk he didn’t realise what time it was and thought we were trying to go to bed at 10/11PM (he said this the next day). The following day we went back to try and collect our possessions and he went crazy at us to ask how we could dare come back after arguing with him like that. He told us he was going to throw himself off a bridge because we wouldn’t care. My DH has to explain to him that it wasn’t 10/11 - it was 3AM and that was why my sister and I wanted to go to bed. Just like that, he completely changed his tune like nothing had happened and went back to being lovey dovey. We couldn’t do that because (hopefully understandably) it was an absolutely horrific situation - he couldn’t understand why we couldn’t just carry on with the holiday as normal, or why we aren’t keen to go away with him again.

Fucking hell, OP. Why on earth are you allowing this violent, abusive man around your child(ren)!? Do you realise that grabbing someone by the neck is the strongest possible indicator of future homicide? Your dad is quite likely to kill someone during one of his (alcohol induced) losses of control. He experiences "blind rage". Why the fuck does it make a difference that it was actually 3am? You should be able to go to bed at any time you bloody well like, whether it be 10pm or 6am!

I'm sorry for swearing, but your post has very quickly changed from "my dad is an elderly man who is struggling to let go of his family home" to "I was raised by a violent, abusive man who is now trying to muscle in on my private space with my young family".

What does your husband have to say about all this? Having witnessed your father's violence, how does he feel now about having this man in his children's home at all?

@Outfoxedbyrabbits So this was I think 5/6 years ago now - he was on medication and was told specifically not to drink on them, but he did (we didn’t know he was on this) and while he didn’t apologise for it he did go to therapy after this as I think not only did he give us a fright but he must have given himself a serious fright/wake up call. he hasn’t been violent since nor has he been violent with anyone else, and definitely would never be like this in front of our kids.He wasn’t around the kids and wouldn’t get drunk in front of them either, so not at all to make excuses for him but I don’t have a fear of that behaviour being repeated. I more mentioned it as the example of him essentially having this “off switch” where he is shitty and then just flips the switch two minutes later and thinks everything is okay because he is okay and isn’t bothered by it. He still drinks but has cut down on how excessively he was, especially now he’s living with someone else. DH obviously was/is incredibly unhappy with that whole situation but we’ve all moved on (if you can call it that) since then. It’s a bit tricky to be honest - if my mum was still here it would be much easier to have a more normal relationship with him, he also would never have acted that way when she was still around. Tbh totally agree with people saying that I probably need therapy - my sister and I have discussed this a lot and only really started properly opening up the last few years about how insufferable he sometimes has been. It’s really hard. Sometimes he is incredible and he is so good with everyone’s kids in the family (which I’ve comment on cause he lets them away with murder and tells us not to tell them off for stuff that we used to get a snack for when we were kids), then other times he is just the biggest arsehole in the world and pretends he doesn’t know what he’s doing.

Just want to thank everyone who replied with their handy and also kind comments. With the absolute overwhelming majority saying the same thing and making me not feel like the worst person alive for finally bursting at him, it’s put my heart at ease. I have always struggled with confrontation, so this has been all I have been able to think about since it happened. He can be the loveliest person ever at times but can also be so insufferable, I want to clarify also that he’s never been violent with any of us or anyone else since the holiday incident - he went to therapy after this, though he didn’t apologise to us. His bad behaviour kicked off a few years after my mum died tbh I reckon because he had free reign to just sit and do nothing but wallow and be angry. This is also what makes it so difficult to do as some have suggested and just “cut him off”. I have an amazing extended family that I’ve married into, but all I have left on my dads side is him as everyone else has passed away. My mums side are wonderful but again there is very few of them. It’s just a hard one for us to deal with in terms of cutting people out because I don’t feel he genuinely deserves to be cut out our lives completely - he just needs boundaries and to be respectful ☹️

You are in denial and minimising his behaviour OP.

Get yourself some counselling to help you.

I agree with @DuckDuckNo, highly likely this thug you have for a father has plans to move into your house as his retirement plan.

Hence his lack of interest in buying a new place.

He is WAY ahead of you.

You had better give your head a wobble, wake up and start seeing the bigger picture, before he moves back into HIS house🙄and you are stuck with him.

So this was I think 5/6 years ago now - he was on medication and was told specifically not to drink on them, but he did

Oh, OP. My heart breaks for you. Doctors don't tell people not to combine certain medications with alcohol for fear it will turn them into violent raging abusers. That's not a thing. Doctors tell people not to combine certain medications with alcohol because a) the alcohol may make the medication less effective (as with some antidepressants, like sertraline) or b) the person may become over-sedated (as with some antipsychotics, like olanzapine) or c) the combination may make the person very sick (as with some antibiotics, like metronidazole).

DH obviously was/is incredibly unhappy with that whole situation but we’ve all moved on (if you can call it that) since then.

You need to listen to your husband. You need to NOT "move on" from "that whole situation".

The fact he still sees it as his house isn't part of the issue. It's all of the issue. He even tells you it's his house. You know this will never end and each time you think you reach a compromise will just keep coming back up right? You're trapped now because you couldn't sell it to a stranger if you wanted to - he won't let you. Sadly I think you made a mistake buying it and should have said no.

In your original post you said he had moved an hour or so away and that he drives. That is 'day trip' territory - no need to stay over at all for appointments.

Another poster advised to change the front door to establish a change of ownership. Great idea! Are there any other quick fixes, like painting the hall a very different colour to instantly reinforce this?

Your pregnancy hormones have done you a great favour. Use them! Hire a skip and tell him to do day trips to sort out his sh*t. If you had bought from a third-party he would have had to pay for the removal of stuff left behind. Perhaps you could get quotes from junk removal companies to clear the lot and tell him you have been advised to sue him for the cost.

A few months of being unhelpful and distant with him would feel very uncomfortable for you but be a good investment towards resetting boundaries. Remember, you paid the full market price for your house. No family discount. Yet he wants you at his beck and call. Bloody cheek!

Sometimes he is incredible and he is so good with everyone’s kids in the family

This is how people like this (abusive manipulators) keep you hooked - sometimes they are great. And because you're a decent person and want to maintain the peace, you go along with it.

I'm not saying you should cut him out completely from your lives, because that can actually cause more problems than it solves, but you need to recognise your own family and peace come first, however charming he might be, and you are certainly under no obligation to provide board for him to maintain his old life in his old house. His appointments are a way of 'needing' to be in your home and that's not reasonable or necessary.

The fact that he is causing you so much distress is a warning bell to sort this out, perhaps with some therapy. You don't owe him a thing, you paid full price for the house, and it's now your home. Some rock solid, guilt-free boundaries will make you a lot happier and quite frankly, he can pay for a hotel.

You need to move house and stop answering your phone to your dad. When the baby arrives, your time and energy are going to be completely taken up with caring for the foetus, l know that sounds weird but that's essentially that's what they are. Your dad wants a part-time home with full time service. Is he King Charles?

This won’t help now but this is why we didn’t end up buying my parents house.

“oh but you’ll still have Christmas Day there won’t you, and x can stay when they come over”

We realised it would never be our house so said we couldn’t afford it.

Noe you’re in you’re just going to have to stand your ground but it won’t be easy.

You were wise.

A friend of mine (whom I rarely bump into) bought her parents, admittedly lovely home when she got married, at their behest, stressing how great it would be.
They moved abroad to the sun and to play their beloved golf.

They too expected her home to be available for a couple of weeks at a time and of course they entertained from HER house.

Her mother developed low level dementia and her father decided it was time to sell up and return "home", after 15 years, where my friend would be available to "help", as her father was feeling very confined by her mum no longer being really able for golf.
They also felt the familiarity of the home would help her.

This is where it got a bit messy as her husband was not happy, but she felt she hadn't a choice.

He feels he has spent years paying a morgage and never feeling his house was his home.

Their marriage has barely limped on and continues to.

They live very separate lives, (he took up cycling) now that her children are young adults, and she knows that when her mother dies the house will immediately be sold.

Her father continues to be very healthy and well, busy living his life, playing his golf and doing as little caring as he can get away with.

My friend does the majority, with a little assistance from her sibling and a woman who comes to the house for several hours whilst my friend works part time. She refused to give up her job.

This friend would absolutely say the worst decision she ever made was buying her parents house.

I think she made one bad decision after the other and put her parents ahead of her husband.

I don't blame him for deciding enough was enough.

Go ahead and renovate.

It further reinforces the mindset that to you this is now your house and to your father, it is no longer his house to have a say on what can and will happen with it.

It was a legally binding contract and I'd even go so far as to say to him that he is harassing you about this and you will shortly be left with no option but to report him to the authorities for harassment and the chips will fall where they will but this will be his doing not yours. He is the one that has to stop with the demands and the restrictions on what you can and can't do in the property and who you can have and can't have to stay and when. It's not his call any more.

Also seeing that he hasn't apologised to the family member that he attacked while he was under the influence of the alcohol and prescription medication. He might be able to square that off by saying it wasn't him doing it, it was the medication/drink but the fact is, it was him doing it.
If I'm not mistaken, part of the 12 step programme for recovering alcoholics is to atone for their mistakes/misgivings and apologise. He hasn't done this yet. He really must. It will go a long way.

You also can't guarantee that he won't find himself in a similar position in the future so please don't think that the beast has been tamed.

You need to protect your marriage to your DH and I think a conversation needs to be had, somewhere neutral, not the pub, not where you live, not where your dad lives. You need to talk about what your dad's expectations are and what the actual reality will be.

He needs to get the finger out and either go into a long term rental agreement or buy a place for himself. This is not optional any more.

Just what I was thinking, very convenient for him.
I honestly don’t know what the answer is but I do suspect he had ulterior motives from the start - big house, needs work, DD buys it, keep sane GP as convenient to impose on her whenever he feels inclined, stays under c/o local hospital so his DD can have him if he’s ever hospitalised etc.
All very convenient.
I wonder what his partner thinks? Perhaps she’s all to glad that you’re doing all the donkey work? And he gets a far more comfortable environment than when he lived there for nothing!

Start renovating.
Make the spare room much less welcoming. Fill it with his junk if necessary.

Invite him and his gf round for lunch and a few hours of sorting. Tell them to go to the top on the way home. Or put it all in the garage (to get ruined..)

@PinkyBrain853 - how have things been for you in the past few days? Has your dad made any other comments about 'his' house or staying over with you???

My Dad was welcome in my house at any time, he wasnt treated like a guest and he was no hassle.

???

I fail to see how this is at all helpful to the OP who is not you and doesn't have your father as their father.

Bizarre post.

I’m afraid you can’t win because your DF is so unreasonable.
You bought the house. He has his money.
Any house seller knows they have to clear everything from the property upon completion.
His attitude seems to be pay me a lot of money to live in my house but it’s still mine when I want it.
Either resell to stop all his nonsense or don’t let him visit at all. Visit him, meet him out somewhere but don’t let him over the threshold.
You don’t need this crap.

Not helpful I know , but I honestly can’t See how you thought this was a good Idea right from the off! Most of the issues arising now were pretty obviously going to arise , and I think your dad has played you like a fiddle . It’s time to get some boundaries in place and stick with it - you’ve got your own family to protect now. I feel for your dh in this as well , but again in his position I wouldn’t have agreed to this transaction

Sounds like he wants to keep your house as his house when he feels like it, but also have partners house as part-time house and have his stash of cash.

I would agree with saying you can come and stay once a month /6 weeks or so.

good luck!

Try a thought experiment:

Put DF right out of your mind for a moment - imagine he just doesn't exist - not died, no grief, he just isn't around, just doesn't exist.

Ignore the fact that you grew up in the house (is that right?). Try to see the house with completely new eyes. Imagine an estate agent is walking you around this completely unknown house for the very first time.
How do you feel?

Look at yourself and your family in the house, for several years into the future - just you and your family, no guests, no-one else.

Is it bigger than you need? You need as a minimum 3 beds for you, 10yr old and baby, plus one sitting room. That is 4 rooms. You may need an office - so 5 rooms. Can you and DH share an office? Could one of you work in a garden 'shed-office' or converted garage?
Maybe the other rooms are nice to have but not essential - a guest room and/or an office and/or extra sitting room. If you saw this house for the very first time, would you want to spend that much money on that many rooms? Or if you can afford it, would you want to find somewhere with more rooms? Playrooms, extra bedrooms, dining room?

How big is the garden - is it too big to manage? Do you prefer a big garden? Could you afford a gardener?

Or would you choose a different period or style of house? Or somewhere in a different area? Have you thought about schools? Somewhere nearer DH family?

In short, if you were seeing this house for the very first time, would you buy it?

If your gut tells you, 'No, I would not have bought this house', then SELL IT.

Secondly, and completely separately, consider some counselling to help you sort out your feelings about your father.