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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Conceding defeat.

53 replies

AuntClara · 27/09/2022 22:37

I'm conceding defeat.

I'm in my late 40s. A loveless, sexless sham of a marriage that happened for all the wrong reasons and ended 10 years ago. NC with my surviving parent for he past 10 years all the right reasons. Therapy. So much therapy.

Friendships that have come and gone. Relationships that have been few and far between and very short lived.

I finally started seeing someone this time last year. Well, not quite this time last year. I haven't quite made it to a year yet and I won't because I can't do it. I can't work out how relationships work. I can't tell if I have boundaries or blockades.

I've spoken to a friend about it but I'm just tired of thinking. Tired of talking and tired of feeling.

No significant relationships; and lost all but two of my friendships. I'm just sad at the thought that this is it.

I had so much hope. I can't bear to even see photos of myself as a child. She was such a sad, lonely, unloved child but she had so much hope for the future and she became a sad, lonely, unloved adult despite all my best efforts to the contrary.

I just can't do it anymore 😥

I don't have a question. I just wanted to put it somewhere.

OP posts:
Pinkballoon5 · 27/09/2022 22:40

U know, there's always hope. What do u like doing?

SteveHarringtonsChestHair · 27/09/2022 22:41

I don’t have an any useful advice, and I know you haven’t asked for any, but I’m so sad to read that you feel so hopeless.

No trite words of comfort will help, I know.

So please just accept an unmumsnetty hug and some virtual flowers 💐

Pinkballoon5 · 27/09/2022 22:43

Flowers. Hugs. Picnic. I would like a quiche, a sausage roll, coleslaw, olives and trifle

Pinkballoon5 · 27/09/2022 22:51

I'm in my 50s. I had a shitty marriage in my 40s but a great relationship in mid fifties. I only have three friends very long distance. I'm ok. I look back and give myself some slack. U can do this xx

Original poster
AuntClara · 27/09/2022 22:55

Thank you. Really, thank you.

I have a couple of hobbies. Social, performance based ones where I meet people. But I'm leaving one at the end of next month. Not really a place for friendships though. I'm in a band with 3 men. Two in their 50s and one in his 70s (not that you'd know it!) But they're bandmates not my friends.

No, there's no hope. Not anymore. I'm done.

(I love a picnic. Crusty bread, pate, brie and red onion marmalade. Plus those little peppers stuffed with ricotta and grilled artichokes. Olives but only the back ones)

OP posts:
Catsstillrock · 27/09/2022 22:56

Ah OP. Have you considered some of this is structural?

there aren’t that many great men out there. The patriarchy enables them to be crappy and unware of their flaws, never mind aiming to work to improve themselves, and yet expect a relationship.

it’s a valid choice to say no thanks to that.

you are worthy, and enough just as you are.

sending love and solidarity

ZaphodDent · 27/09/2022 22:57

I had so much hope. I can't bear to even see photos of myself as a child. She was such a sad, lonely, unloved child but she had so much hope for the future and she became a sad, lonely, unloved adult despite all my best efforts to the contrary.

That's heartbreaking to read. Just wanted to send you a hug and let you know that someone is thinking about you xx

Original poster
AuntClara · 27/09/2022 22:58

I've never had a good relationship. At worst they've been midly abusive at best disinterested. I'm not putting myself through it again.

I can't even tell if this one likes me. He says he loves me. But it doesn't feel like he does. But I've nothing to base it on or compare it to. I just don't know. That's what I mean about not being able to tell if they're boundaries or blockades.

OP posts:
Original poster
AuntClara · 27/09/2022 23:00

Thank you. I'm just weary. I've got nothing left to give. I'm sick of my thoughts and sick of my feelings. Work is the only place I get any respite but, emotionally and mentally, I'm too drained to even throw myself into that.

OP posts:
Sunnytwobridges · 27/09/2022 23:02

I had so much hope. I can't bear to even see photos of myself as a child. She was such a sad, lonely, unloved child but she had so much hope for the future and she became a sad, lonely, unloved adult despite all my best efforts to the contrary.

This really resonated with me. The other day I came across some pics of myself as a child and I really, really looked at them. And in none of them do I look happy. My family was full of abuse and dysfunction. but like you I had hopes that one day I would be happy. I'm not over 50 and every time I get just a bit of happiness it's been snatched from me. I now just accept that my life wasn't meant to be happy.

Sorry no advice, but you are not alone. Hopefully you will find happiness one day.

Original poster
AuntClara · 27/09/2022 23:04

Sunny ❤I'm just hoping for peace.

OP posts:
LaPerduta · 28/09/2022 00:40

Sympathies. It sucks when you keep trying and it keeps not working. I'm a million miles from being in a decent relationship and have absolutely no idea how to get there.

Just try to be kind to yourself. (I'm not very good at this myself, but being hard on yourself generally doesn't help matters.)

MsDogLady · 28/09/2022 01:05

Clara, I recall some of your previous threads. You are a very interesting
person — a talented musician, articulate and clever with a distinctive writing style. I always get the impression that you understand so well how to ‘give’ in a relationship. I wish that you would banish forever your abusive mother’s
mean-spirited, untrue mantra that you are unloveable.

Can you share some of what’s going on in your current relationship? At one point you felt that he really cared.

GlassDeli · 28/09/2022 01:13

Your partner says he loves you. Is there any reason (apart from your bashed up self esteem) to think he didn't mean it? Don't shut him out if you can manage not to. You DO deserve contentment. Many of us can identify with some of your story. You are not alone. Flowers

Aquamarine1029 · 28/09/2022 01:19

I can't help but wonder how big a role peri-menopause is playing in all this. It can effect absolutely everything.

Grumpusaurus · 28/09/2022 02:01

@AuntClara I am not sure what to say but just wanted to acknowledge your post and send a cyber hello back.

Original poster
AuntClara · 28/09/2022 06:10

I'm not sure what is going on.

He's not perfect but he is and does almost everything I've ever wanted from another person. I worry that I don't give enough back. I worry that I appear selfish because I don't know what to do.

I no longer trust him and I don't know whether that's because I've picked up subconsciously on small things I'm not really aware of. Or whether small insignificant things seem more important to me than they are. Or whether, subconsciously, I can't trust him because I can't trust and it's not him but I'd never trust anyone.

It's only small things. I fell asleep early last night and missed his goodnight message. I woke at 4.30am and read it. He'd been online at 3.30am. It's not uncommon - he doesn't sleep well but, previously, I'd have just thought he was having a bad night's sleep and was just checking WA, as I was, when he woke and hoped he'd got back to sleep OK. But this morning, my mind jumped straight to wondering who he was messaging.

When we are together, everything is fine. But when we are not, everything he says and does/has said and done feels hidden behind a black veil. I can see/hear it but it's shrouded in a darkness I can't see through clearly. And tiny sprites and imps are jumping around telling me not to believe him and mocking what he says. I'm trying to see past them to get a clearer view through the veil but I can't. I know that sounds ridiculous but I can't think of a better way to express it.

I could give lengthy details of little 'somethings and nothings' but they wouldn't be worth the time it took me to type or you to read. In a nutshell, I know the emotional response I'd have had to them before and I know the one I'm having to them now. But I don't know if that is me being over vigilant or him not being interested. Or whether it even matters.

My body confidence has all but disappeared. I'm repulsed by myself and I can't see how he wouldn't be. I find it off putting during sex because again, the imps are dancing around telling me he's making a sacrifice by being with me; that he'd prefer it if I was more/less x, y, z, comparing me to his significant exes.

He's the only person who has ever made me feel loved and it's not enough because I'm still me. I consider that enough time has passed now for the rose tinted glasses to have fallen and he sees me for me. And that's what I've always worried about/been warned about.

I don't want to bring drama and upset to his life. I want to quietly slip away. I don't see the point in talking to him because I think if he knew the extent and depth of my feelings towards myself and around relationships, he'd, rightly, end it himself.

Perhaps I need to explain so he knows it's not him.

OP posts:
northernlight20 · 28/09/2022 06:30

Sorry u are feeling that way op. It sounds like u could be depressed. Maybe consider a visit to your gp?

Whattodoagainandagain · 28/09/2022 06:34

That is so sad. Hugs

Footle · 28/09/2022 07:37

The 'veil' could be the simple fact that you and he are separate people. As you say, it comes down to trust.

Original poster
AuntClara · 28/09/2022 07:39

I don't know if it's menopause. But I can't get to see a doctor whatever it is because the way appointments are now made at my surgery makes it impossible for me to get one - not being defeatist but I have to call at the start of morning surgery and be free for a call back until the end of morning surgery before they'll make an appointment. I can't have my phone on me at work - no concessions - so I'm a bit stuck.

OP posts:
Original poster
AuntClara · 28/09/2022 07:49

I don't trust him.

But I can't explain very well why.

I don't trust that he is honest about his feelings. He never has a complaint about me. I never do anything that annoys or irritates him. He's never felt the need to speak to me because I've behaved in a way he is uncomfortable with... I just find that very hard to believe. I feel I don't know where I stand with him. I'm aware of my positive qualities but I have many flaws.

I trust that he wouldn't go out of his way to actively cheat on me but I'm not sure I'd trust him to act as I would if someone was flirting with him - would he take a number? I think he would so as not to hurt their feelings/out of awkwardness. Would he make contact? Maybe to he polite and so they didn't feel 'ghosted'. Would he meet up with the intention of having having affair? I doubt it.

I don't trust him to protect the relationship because, despite his words and actions around me generally, I don't trust that I am worth it.

He says he trusts me. I don't know whether that's true or whether he just isn't sufficiently bothered to be bothered.

OP posts:
Beamur · 28/09/2022 08:01

I think when you've had a lot of complicated feelings and emotions to deal with, it's easy to forget that some people are just what they seem to be and don't have hidden agendas or deceit.

Alphavilla · 28/09/2022 08:23

It's the old self fulfilling prophecy. The person who is terrified of drowning avoids going near water. So they never learn to swim. So when there is an accident and they end up in the river, they drown. It's like your fears literally make what you fear come true. You fear rejection and loneliness because your childhood abuse has convinced you you are unlovable. So you push away from relationships which present the danger of hurt and rejection. Eventually your lack of trust and morbidness will drive those close to you away. You do them a disservice. You will actively cause the realisation of your own fears. You need to break out of the self loathing, analytics and self criticism. Start loving yourself and believe that you can be loved. The rest will follow. Sending hugs to you xxx I am sorry your childhood has impacted on your life more than you think.

Badbaddogagain · 28/09/2022 09:23

AuntClara · 28/09/2022 07:39

I don't know if it's menopause. But I can't get to see a doctor whatever it is because the way appointments are now made at my surgery makes it impossible for me to get one - not being defeatist but I have to call at the start of morning surgery and be free for a call back until the end of morning surgery before they'll make an appointment. I can't have my phone on me at work - no concessions - so I'm a bit stuck.

Can you take a day off work so you can call then be available for the call back?

OP you are clearly very self aware and analytical, but these qualities are working against you. It sounds weird, but try to just ‘be’, try not to think. Distract yourself with sound, activity, nature, Sudoku. Your partner sounds like mine: a simple soul. Accept him, don’t think about him. Accept yourself, don’t think about yourself.

Don't betray that lovely little girl by losing hope now.

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