Conceding defeat.

[AuntClara]

I'm conceding defeat.

I'm in my late 40s. A loveless, sexless sham of a marriage that happened for all the wrong reasons and ended 10 years ago. NC with my surviving parent for he past 10 years all the right reasons. Therapy. So much therapy.

Friendships that have come and gone. Relationships that have been few and far between and very short lived.

I finally started seeing someone this time last year. Well, not quite this time last year. I haven't quite made it to a year yet and I won't because I can't do it. I can't work out how relationships work. I can't tell if I have boundaries or blockades.

I've spoken to a friend about it but I'm just tired of thinking. Tired of talking and tired of feeling.

No significant relationships; and lost all but two of my friendships. I'm just sad at the thought that this is it.

I had so much hope. I can't bear to even see photos of myself as a child. She was such a sad, lonely, unloved child but she had so much hope for the future and she became a sad, lonely, unloved adult despite all my best efforts to the contrary.

I just can't do it anymore 😥

I don't have a question. I just wanted to put it somewhere.

Oh, OP. Your story resonates with me so much. I, too, was that happy and unloved little girl. Throughout my life I have pushed friends away if they have done one thing wrong, and had short-term, unsatisfactory relationships- I believe choosing sub- par men because I thought that's all I deserved.

But nowadays, although I still haven't found a loving partner, I feel that I'm in a good place. I LIKE myself. I genuinely feel that I'm deserving of love. I'm actively dating, genuinely consider myself a catch, and perhaps, if I manage to get round the structural crapness referred to by a PP, I'll find that loving relationship yet. (I'm in my late 40s).

So, how did I move on from being a self- loathing, untrusting young adult? Well, I saw half a dozen therapists, but despite starting each new consultation declaring my massive problems with people and relationships, not a single one picked up on the possibility I could be ND. It took MN for me to twig that! 3 years on from an autism diagnosis, and I'm learning to understand myself- and explain myself to other people. Then, I found a therapy that actually worked for me- CBT. It helped me "observe my mind" and realise when I was making negative assumptions.

I've had another massive shift this last year, when I finally went NC with my parents. Sad, but I came to the realisation that they just don't LIKE me. They genuinely do not like the real me. And that being around them, their constant dripfeed of negativity, their little digs and negation of any of my feelings and opinions is massively unhealthy for me- and for my DC, too.

That, plus years and years of introspection- "self therapy" I suppose- and almost deliberately MAKING myself love myself- it does bear fruit eventually!!

Damn, there's so much more I could say, but I'm aware this is already a mega post!

This is fascinating,I’m dying to hear more, please continue as much as you can, a lot of us can have light bulb moments from your experience.

If you think about it, could he really go on trusting you if he knew about all the doubts you have? We all have doubts occasionally, it’s how you deal with them that matters.

No, he probably couldn't and probably shouldn't either.

I've cancelled seeing him this evening.

I've been nc with my surviving parent for 10 years. I was rejected for CBT because I was told it wouldn't help my particular circumstances. I was referred for DBT a few years ago but my work pattern changed and I couldn't make any of their available times.

There's not really anything any more tangible. I just need to stay away from relationships and be on my own.