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Original poster

Living apart together with a baby

101 replies

Fuzzyhippo · 27/09/2022 18:43

I'm expecting in January and me and my partner of 7 years will continue to live 45 minutes apart with our parents due to financial and personal reasons which are out of my control. He's not the easiest person to communicate with as he takes a good few hours before he replies to texts or calls at times, so I'm trying to figure out how it'll work when I go into labor. Has anyone else done this and it's worked out well?

OP posts:
bumpytrumpy · 27/09/2022 18:45

No, this is not going to work out well. Will he be paying you maintainence?

Original poster
Fuzzyhippo · 27/09/2022 18:49

bumpytrumpy · 27/09/2022 18:45

No, this is not going to work out well. Will he be paying you maintainence?

He's going to give me money towards baby weekly yes and buying stuff for him, but won't be going through CMS

OP posts:
LovelyChicken · 27/09/2022 18:50

You having a baby isn't a surprise even if you don't know exactly when it's going to happen. Why is it a big ask to suggest he keeps an eye on his phone - compared to being in labour it doesn't seem like much of an effort 🙄. There's got to be more to it than this.

Geranium1984 · 27/09/2022 18:52

I'd organise yourself a back up birth partner if your partner isn't going to be very reliable.

Original poster
Fuzzyhippo · 27/09/2022 18:53

LovelyChicken · 27/09/2022 18:50

You having a baby isn't a surprise even if you don't know exactly when it's going to happen. Why is it a big ask to suggest he keeps an eye on his phone - compared to being in labour it doesn't seem like much of an effort 🙄. There's got to be more to it than this.

I don't understand what you mean. He's the one who'll be driving me to hospital and there's no one else around who can take me. And this is my 3rd (living) baby so I don't know how quick he'll come..

OP posts:
DPotter · 27/09/2022 18:56

Short term
A lot of maternity units these days allow 2 birthing partners, so could you have someone nearby to take you in and stay with you and then he can join you at some point. Alternatively can he rent a b&b / airbnb for a couple of months - (4 weeks before & after) so he's nearer.

Long term
Are there any even vague plans for you to live together ? You both will need to agree who is moving where, other wise you will be a single parent in every way which is relevant.
And yes - you will need also to agree his level of financial contribution to looking after your child. Don't let him or anyone else, babies don't cost much - as they do. There's the cot, pram / pushchair, bed linen, cloths, nappies, formula, bottles etc and then food from 6 months just for starters, leading up to childcare when you return to work.

Suggest you talk all this through sooner rather than later and the hormonal fog post delivery and the sleep deprivation can play havoc with the negotiating skills

TwoWeeksislong · 27/09/2022 18:58

Sounds like you might need a back up plan.
Is childcare sorted for you older children while you’re in labour? (Or maybe unnecessary if eldest is 16+)? Taxi to the hospital and your partner meets you there? What does your midwife think about how long your labour is likely to be?

scrufffy · 27/09/2022 18:58

What did he do the last 2 times? Or isn't he the father to those children?

Ask him to turn his phone up loud ?

Hairyfairy01 · 27/09/2022 18:59

Why is he not the easiest person to communicate with? Does his job prevent him from keeping his phone on him?

cluckinhell0 · 27/09/2022 19:00

If he's the one driving you to hospital he's going to have to get better at responding. If he can't manage to check his phone in the weeks leading up to labour of his own child then he never will. Given you must think he won't pull his finger out then maybe consider other options, a friend, family member, doula, home birth? And a new boyfriend if I'm honest. You shouldn't be having any doubts about the father of your child you are in a relationship with too. Talk to him straight now and hopefully can iron things out and get him to give you the confidence he's reliable in plenty of time.

OnaBegonia · 27/09/2022 19:04

You live with your parents and are having a 3rd child with a man you don't plan to live with and he can't be arsed replying to a msg? how long does he expect you to wait before he arrives to take
you to hospital?
This sounds a shit show.

Mumoftwoinprimary · 27/09/2022 19:05

Fuzzyhippo · 27/09/2022 18:53

I don't understand what you mean. He's the one who'll be driving me to hospital and there's no one else around who can take me. And this is my 3rd (living) baby so I don't know how quick he'll come..

Show quote history

I think that the previous post was saying that if you had a 37+ week pregnant partner then (assuming you are not a complete dick) then you will be going around with your phone in your hand ready in case you are called.

So the question is - is your partner a complete dick?

Original poster
Fuzzyhippo · 27/09/2022 19:10

Should've made it clearer, I have an older son from a different man who I don't have parental rights for as I was very young and agreed for adoption. Second baby died. So this is my first baby with this man.

Relationship in general is perfect, I'm very happy living apart and it was what we both agreed to as we have very different living styles. He needs to be at home most of the time in case a cow gets out or his elderly father needs help. I can't stay there as there's not enough room.

I'm guessing nobody has ever been in this situation and had a good outcome..

OP posts:
SpinningFloppa · 27/09/2022 19:12

Nope I felt resentful as he would go home for a break whilst I never got a break and had to be there 24/7 he would stay for a few days then disappear off for a break put up with it for far longer than I should have 🤦🏻

Riapia · 27/09/2022 19:15

I imagine contacting him will be even more difficult after the birth of the child.

gogohmm · 27/09/2022 19:15

It's usual op that's all. I think he needs to keep his phone on him, if there's not spots where he farms he needs to ensure every 30 mins he's in a place with reception. Farming life is quite different so he's definitely not being unreasonable being out of contact. Sounds like he's a carer too, tough.

Do think about the long term plan - it could work fine when you have a baby but once they grow up a bit a part time dad is never ideal

RewildingAmbridge · 27/09/2022 19:15

How do you currently support yourself and your two children OP? Can you stretch to a third? What about childcare? I wouldn't bank on him being involved much, why wouldn't maintenance go through CMS?

Ginger1982 · 27/09/2022 19:16

Why can't you both live together near his father? I'm guessing he lives on a farm?

RewildingAmbridge · 27/09/2022 19:17

Apologies cross post, so it will only be this baby in your care full time? That will make it a bit easier. If he needs to stay closer to his dad and the farm can you move that way so you can live together but close to his dad?

Carouselfish · 27/09/2022 19:22

Hi OP. Yes, I live apart from the dad of our 2 DC. It works fine. We had to sort out the money side of things after a couple of years as we don't go through CMS either - we started with him just buying all nappies and big ticket items but now we have a set amount per child per month and then we split the big ticket items and clubs/hobbies etc.
He would really like to see them more but he works ft and I work pt so that's the way it is at the moment. They absolutely know he's their Dad and it's a proper relationship they have with him - their bond doesn't suffer because I'm the main care giver. He spends 4 days a week at mine (weekends and two evenings) but doesn't often stay over which is fine for us but may not be for all. He does stay over when he's on holiday or if I go away as my house is best for the children - he is in a flat. He also stayed for all his parental leave and did and does his share of nappies, baths etc - basically, when he is here I let him take over! We sometimes go away all as a family or we go away separately with one or both children. He attends all parents' evenings at school and doctors' appointments for the DC we share.
All sorts of different situations can work OP, but you do have to make plain what his responsibilities are if he's not living there and help him learn your baby's cues as he might miss things not being there all the time.

Original poster
Fuzzyhippo · 27/09/2022 19:23

We're looking into having a static caravan moved onto his yard, but probably won't be for another few months yet. So there's plans but nothing solid

OP posts:
Moser85 · 27/09/2022 19:25

He needs to be at home most of the time in case a cow gets out or his elderly father needs help.

So how and when is he going to parent?

Carouselfish · 27/09/2022 19:25

Forgot to add - I love living apart! Ours is for financial reasons but also, now, I just don't think I could handle it for more than a week at a time! Grin

User38899953 · 27/09/2022 19:29

In case a cow gets out. I've heard a lot of excuses but this has to be my favourite.

Ameadowwalk · 27/09/2022 19:31

My ex lived three hours away and had plans to move here, but never did - until we separated when he bought a flat a few miles away and met his current GF. Basically, for all the crap he span about family, he didn’t want to be a live-in parent. That is the conclusion I came to anyway.

I am not in a particularly good mood this evening, so sorry if that is blunt. If your partner wanted to answer his phone and be reliable, he would be.

that apart, I am truly sorry for the loss of your second baby and that you were not able to bring up your first yourself. I wish you all the luck and joy in the world with this third baby. You might be in a position where you have to do most if not all of the parenting yourself, and but this brings joy as well as being hard. But you can rely on yourself and your baby will be able to rely on you. That is the main thing.

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