My husband cannot cope with anything

[charmama]

My husband has been in his new role 3 months, he worked really hard to obtain his lorry license and has landed a really well paid job (£15.5k more than his previous job) and I am very proud of him. Throughout his induction period he was finishing around 2/3pm and "loving his new job" (he starts at 5am every day so this is still a full days work) however since his induction period has finished and he's getting a normal workload and varying routes he has changed his attitude towards it completely. He is still finishing at a 3ish some days but other days he's getting home 5/6.30pm. He constantly rings me stressing and in a state because he feels like they are giving him too much work and he's got new deliveries that he hasn't done before and he just cannot get his head around the fact that he's not on induction anymore and he is now just getting the standard workload. He always feels like he deserves less work and cannot cope with a stressful day, for the salary he's on most would just get on with it and accept that some days will be longer than others, however he acts like the world is ending and it's really affecting us because he constantly moans about how "even drivers who have been there longer don't get as many drops as him" and that he feels hard done by. I am a nurse, working 12.5 hour shifts and we have an 11 month old baby too. He's always in a mood and can't seem to ever just get on with stuff it's like he always things everyone is out to get him and he can't cope with a single bit of stress. I try to be patient and explain that with good money comes hard work and if he gets his head down and cracks on he will finish and be home to us, I try to support him in the day but it's getting to the point where I just want to tell him to get on with it and stop being a baby!!

ANY ADVISE?! X

Sounds like you are being as supportive as you can be. My general attitude to life is just get on with it, the only stuff I tend to get stressed with is to do with health/illness especially if its a family member.
If he passed his induction then obviously he is more than capable, so I guess if he really hates it then he needs to find Something else.

I don't think there is anything else you can really do, I would maybe sit him down and say in a calm way that he has worked really hard to get the role with extra money and that moaning/stressting is not changing anything or helping.

I do think some people are just like this and short of a personality Transplant it wont change.

To be fair if he's starting at 5am and not finishing until 6.30pm some days that is an incredibly long day. I know you're a nurse and longer shifts are normal for you but the vast majority of people don't work such long hours so adding on getting there and back and the baby I'm not surprised if he's exhausted, I would be!

Not that all your points don't make sense because they do, and I'm sure you're tired too but honestly if I were regularly working 13 hour days I'd be wondering if the money was worth it. Personally I value work life balance and wouldn't be happy thinking being that tired was my life for the foreseeable future!

Also presumably as he's working there and you're not he knows how much the other drivers are given compared to him so it's possible he's right when he says he's given more work. Not that moaning about it to you solves anything and if he feels he's being treated unfairly that's for him to consider raising.

My DP is a retired HGV Driver. He used to start work at 3am, and only do 2-3 drops per day. He dropped to 3 days a week doing 15 hour days, the money was still good and we managed financially. He tended to work through an agency as more flexibility. He was much happier and home more.

How is he with coping with change generally? Sounds like a family member of mine who stresses/ panics massively when in new and unfamiliar situations. He is also neurodiverse which I think contributes to this - like your DH he always seems to assume the world is out to 'get him' in some way. It's exhausting trying to buoy them up all the time.

My dh is a lorry driver and his shifts sound about par for the course. My dh starts at 1am and finishes around 3pm most days.

I think a lot depends on a who he works for, my dh now works for dhl and loves it, they seem to be a really good place to work and look after their staff. My dh can pretty much pick and choose his hours. Maybe explain to your dh that he sticks at it for 6 months then looks for another company.

I'd tell him to stick it out for a year, then look for a better company to work for. Some are better than others. They are very long hours. It wouldn't look good if he left now.

As long as his employer is sticking to the rules regarding driver hours and rest periods, there's probably not much he can do other than stick it for a bit to get some experience and then move to another company that treats the drivers better.

I think some people thought HGV drivers were on a cushy little number with being offered all of this extra money in the last couple of years without fully appreciating the nature of the job.

DH is a class 1 driver and currently works for the council. He does a 37 hour week, same start time and home time. Always finished at 3pm, good pension, lots of leave, flexibility when the kids are sick etc. He has been offered various jobs in the private sector for more money. But the reality is that he would be working 12 hour days for that money. Plus losing all of the unpaid perks. A lot of his colleagues left with the lure of extra money and came back within six months because they missed the easy life they had at the council.

It's not up to you to "fix" this, so when he starts complaining, I would bat it back to him, with empathy.

"That sounds really tough, DH. What do you think you'll do about it?"
Also
"I can hear you sound really stressed. Is there anything you want to ask me to do to help with that?"

This reinforces that his problems are his to solve, and although you are happy to help, you cannot give him the answer or wave a magic wand.

His work sounds very stressful. He is getting up extremely early, working 12 hour shifts some days, not always knowing when his shift is going to end. He doesn't have any control over his workload, which is known to be very stressful. He is subject to a lot of pressure regarding punctuality of deliveries. Driving on busy roads is stressful in itself, without the added pressure of having numerous deliveries to do.
There aren't many people who wouldn't feel stressed with that kind of job, which is why the pay is good or they wouldn't get anyone to do it at all.
I'm sure your job is very stressful too (which is precisely why there is a staffing problem in nursing), but to me it sounds as if you are lacking imagination and empathy regarding your DH's job.

That sounds like a hell of a lot of driving and potentially dangerous by the end of the shift.

Make sure his employer is not breaking the law.

www.rac.co.uk/business/news-advice/hgv-driver-hours-what-are-the-rules#:~:text=In%20addition%20to%20the%2045,is%20required%20per%2024%20hours

Thank you all for your replies. I try my hardest to be empathetic and I do nothing but support him in any way he can. He always has his dinner on the table for when he's home, I never expect him to put the baby to bed during the week or feed him dinner etc as I try my best to make his home life as stress free as possible as I know how stressful his job can be, we had a long chat about it this evening and I gently encouraged him to stick it out to obtain the experience and also to fair better with future employment. I suppose we just have to ride it out. Thanks again :)

If he is treated at work unfairly he should speak to his manager and the Work Union.

I would definitely rebel if I was forced to do extra hours without my proper agreement in writing.

He needs to set clear boundaries at work about what hours he is caple to work without feeling too much stress and starting to Really HATE his job and becoming an aggressive, overstressed dangerous driver for all the other road users.

I would Really not like driving for more than 3 hours a day. God forbid every day. So I personally understand his level of stress 100%.

Work/life balance is very important for our good mental health.

5 am till 5 pm is a crazy long day. Especially while driving all day it's really dangerous!

My limit is very maximum is 8 hours a day (on my feet).

I have set clear boundaries at work in writing about it and I feel very happy.

Why do nurses, police, and firefighters have to work STUPID 12-hour shifts?

Things MUST change to 8 hours maximum!

12 hours is slavery!

It's a case when don't work harder, work smarter.

The guy is a lorry driver so his driving hours and daily duty hours are controlled by law and tach hours.

How many days a week is he working? I work 12 1/2 hour shifts, it’s hard going but I do it because I only have to work three days a week. I could work more if I wanted to but even one more days means a 50 hour week and that’s not worth the extra money to me.
If it’s causing him serious stress and mental health issues then he needs to look for another job.

He sounds wetter than an otters pocket. I’d be pissed at him too.

@Successgirl2022 It’s continuity of care. If you think 12hr days are bad don’t ask the drs how many hours they’ve worked that week.

You’re a nurse working 12.5 hour shifts and you bend over backwards to make sure he always has his dinner cooked and doesn’t have to do anything with the baby because you know his job is stressful. Well no wonder he’s always saying he can’t cope if it means you’ll pick up everything at home. You’re being taken for a mug.

@charmama I agree with Molkos. You have someone here who's not your equal (few people would be.)

He should at least go halves on the housework, cooking etc and maybe even feeds etc if possible.

it's well known lorry drivers often visit cruising areas to meet other men, consider if he's really being truthful with you or not. has he seemed curious about other men in the past? he may well be cheating on you.

@sallyglastonbury

That's the biggest reach I've ever seen on MN!

talking from experience dont judge