My husband cannot cope with anything

[charmama]

My husband has been in his new role 3 months, he worked really hard to obtain his lorry license and has landed a really well paid job (£15.5k more than his previous job) and I am very proud of him. Throughout his induction period he was finishing around 2/3pm and "loving his new job" (he starts at 5am every day so this is still a full days work) however since his induction period has finished and he's getting a normal workload and varying routes he has changed his attitude towards it completely. He is still finishing at a 3ish some days but other days he's getting home 5/6.30pm. He constantly rings me stressing and in a state because he feels like they are giving him too much work and he's got new deliveries that he hasn't done before and he just cannot get his head around the fact that he's not on induction anymore and he is now just getting the standard workload. He always feels like he deserves less work and cannot cope with a stressful day, for the salary he's on most would just get on with it and accept that some days will be longer than others, however he acts like the world is ending and it's really affecting us because he constantly moans about how "even drivers who have been there longer don't get as many drops as him" and that he feels hard done by. I am a nurse, working 12.5 hour shifts and we have an 11 month old baby too. He's always in a mood and can't seem to ever just get on with stuff it's like he always things everyone is out to get him and he can't cope with a single bit of stress. I try to be patient and explain that with good money comes hard work and if he gets his head down and cracks on he will finish and be home to us, I try to support him in the day but it's getting to the point where I just want to tell him to get on with it and stop being a baby!!

ANY ADVISE?! X

a lot of men are curious and hide it

Sorry it's not supportive as such but may contain something helpful.

I was a long distance lorry driver for 11+ years and lost 1 marriage and a LTR due to the amount of hours spent away behind the wheel. 13 to 15 hour days with maxed 9 and 10 hour drives will be the norm for him I'm in no doubt and there's not a lot else that he can do about it other than suck it up and get on with it for now, there are plenty of qualified drivers with experience like myself who refuse to do the job any longer (I've since come off the road and gone in to training new drivers rather than do the job myself) which in turn is pushing the drivers that are still on the road harder than ever to get the loads moved. As quick as the new guys are qualifying the experienced guys are leaving in my own experience. More than 1 of the many companies I drove for were known for pushing the new guys harder than the experienced lads because they would A) want to find out what they were capable of and how quick they'd get it done and B) see if he'll bend / break any rules to get loads shifted and work done. It's unbelievable what some firms will ask of drivers and more unbelievable that some drivers actually would do it especially new guys who felt uncomfortable speaking out. Get him to speak to an experienced hand who may be able to give him pointers on how to speed the process up and make it easier on himself. I'm not saying he's not but just make sure he is aware that if he's asked to do anything that isn't legal that he's comfortable to speak up and tell them he's not doing it as penalties and consequences can be severe if caught out or something goes wrong.

Beyond the above there are only really a couple solutions to this and that's as said either suck it up and stick out what he's landed himself get himself some experience and move on to something easier or get himself in to a DECENT agency who will be able to provide flexibility and usually a good hourly rate with it but for the better work they have he will need to have gained 6 to 12 months experience I suspect.

Cheers.

FFS!

I think you’re both doing too much. It’s so hard when you know that you’re already so stretched yourself but at the same time, his job sounds like my idea of a nightmare. There’s just no room left for either of of you to feel worn down without resentment.

My DH did class one work for a year after getting out the forces and he’s a grafter but it was hell for him he hated it it’s been the worst time in our married life over 23 years.
He just couldn’t stand it now he’s in a much more stressful job as in stress wise and he’s so much happier.

If the job is too stressful for him, the worst thing you can do is berate him into continuing it. I’d be listening to him and seeing if he can’t look for a different job. Is +£15k worth the extra hours and stress? Driving isn’t an easy job at all, not everyone can put their head down and do it.

A lot of people work long hours, and many work long hours and then have a long commute on top.

I would honestly tell your H exactly what you feel like telling him.

Yeah, but a lot of people don’t work jobs where 1 second of inattention means you’ve rammed your 40 tonne death machine into the back of Peugeot 107 with a baby in the back….

@charmama
Your H needs more work at home, not less.

He would appreciate his hours behind the wheel far more if he were busier at home. He would look forward to having time and space in his head to think, as opposed to juggling baby and dinner and bath/bedtime and washing up.

Make him pull his weight at home. He's not a child.

Yeah, but a lot of people don’t work jobs where 1 second of inattention means you’ve rammed your 40 tonne death machine into the back of Peugeot 107 with a baby in the back….

This is similar to what I was just thinking.

It sounds as though the job, as is it now, is too much for him and there is no shame in that. Driving is very tiring and even moreso for some people. (Likewise nursing and making sure you don't make mistakes over a long shift, I'd be saying the same thing if the OP wasn't coping with long nursing shifts and her husband wasn't supportive.)

@MothsAndWaspsAreUsefulPollinators
I'd be saying the same thing if the OP wasn't coping with long nursing shifts and her husband wasn't supportive.

Me too.

@Discovereads

My DS will be a first year medical resident (an intern) next year working / studying for insane hours in an American hospital, for an hourly rate that will work out well below minimum wage.

The OP works 12.5 hour shifts in a hospital and can't afford to make mistakes either. And she's coming home and doing another shift every single day.

Lorry drivers are not some special breed.

He's being ridiculous. What others have said is correct, there is a national shortage of Class One drivers and with a bit of experience he will soon be in a position to pick and choose a driving job which is less pressure than the one he has.

You don't say anything about how his training was paid for, if it came from the family budget you have even more reason to be annoyed. Presumably he wanted this?

And agreed that he needs to step up with the baby not act like one.

I work in the haulage industry, long hours and shift work is the norm, hence why I'm typing this at 3am!

🙄 Nurse, lorry driver they’re both very stressful jobs where mistakes cost lives. Just because OP can handle being a nurse, doesn’t mean her DH can handle driving lorries. It’s not a game of top trumps. Frankly, I don’t think you have the remotest idea what it is like to be a lorry driver by your comments of “appreciating the hours behind the wheel” and “time and space in his head to think” - it’s not a mindless repetitious job. You have to be alert and ready to react every second you are driving. You can’t be day-dreaming on the motorway.

[Warning - graphic/upsetting content below]

My DH worked on the flight deck of an aircraft carrier…there mistakes also cost lives. He’s seen sailors cut in half by the landing cable, sailors sucked into intakes and turned into red mist and chunks of bone, sailors jumping off the ship to avoid a plane missing the safety nets and the fall is so high, they die on impact with the ocean. He’s seen pilots not make the landing, and gone out in boats to catch the floating body parts if any. These are just accidents caused by millisecond mistakes, it’s not counting the combat deaths.

There is no shame in realising the particular type of stress of any job is not for you. It doesn’t make you a baby or a child. It makes you human. We can all stand some stressors, but not others.

Congrats on your DS btw. I mean that genuinely. I hope that if he finds the job to be too much, you are a bit more supportive of him than you have been for the OPs DH.

I think the advice to try and stick it out for a few months to gain experience, then look for another employer, is the best advice so far. Starting a new job is usually stressful for the first six months to a year, as you learn the ropes.

But if he can stick it out until he had enough experience to be of interest to other employers, he’ll probably be in high demand.

@Discovereads
I've frequently driven 9-12 hour journeys on American Interstates. Not in a HGV but long haul driving is indeed tiring, and even more so with DCs in the back seats.

I found when I first started driving that the mental strain was very tiring. I am sure that as the DH gets used to the hours and the demands of the job he will find it less tiring. He is relatively new to the sort of vehicles he is driving if I understand correctly, and he will find a way to make it work, just as the OP seems to have found a way to juggle the demands of her full time job plus taking care of a baby plus all the housework and cooking and now the emotional support of someone who is lacking in self awareness and seemingly feeling entitled to a hefty salary without the T&Cs that come with it.

You knuckle down and do what you have to do, and sometimes you wonder if your H actually sees what your life is like. Maybe the OP makes her 12+ hour shifts plus the home shift on top look too easy. Maybe that accounts for the complaints of her H about his hours and the stress.

Sometimes with all the knuckling down you end up doing too much, as is the case with the OP. She's a busy woman - 'if you want something done, ask a busy person to do it'. Her H needs to be busier. It will give him a sense of perspective.

My DS manages to keep his home clean, to shop, cook, and do all his own laundry and ironing, and has done for quite a while now, on top of his med school studies and the last two years of rotations. He doesn't need his mom running around after him.

Discover reads - I really don’t think you needed to give the tragic details in your post. It wasn’t necessary -
OP - how does he cope with the baby? Is he doing his share or are you over compensating due to his job.
Don’t pick up his slack -

Are you returning to work OP? What job did your OH have before this one?

I wouldn't fancy a driving job either if he's stressed I would advise him to job hunt now

Such an awful attitude, and exactly why work stress has become the norm.

Length of hours and level of slavery should not be competitive. Who are you trying to impress?

Some people enjoy shift work, others loathe it. OP’s husband sounds very stressed and that’s what matters, not how Mrs Bossy Pants off Mumsnet thinks he should feel.

He needs to work towards making a change to a role that is less stressful for him.

Honestly I think you are doing too much at home though, he needs to pull his weight. Or you need to come to a trade off agreement so you get a break at the weekends.

Being a nurse is also incredibly hard work, you both need support and time out.

It sounds as if your other half struggles with change. Any new job is hard as you are learning new routines and ways of doing things. If he can suck it up for six months it is likely to get better. My concern is that you are doing his emotional work for him. Have you always done this? Can he say to himself 'this is tough but I'll give it six months, treat the family to a day out with the extra cash or go for a run as it hurts but does make me feel better.' If not he is like a small child that can't self soothe and the danger is that you get a tantrum when you don't do what he wants in taking the stress away.

Fucking Hell OP, he’s got you well trained, hasn’t he?

You’re a nurse, also doing long shifts, responsible for the lives of others, doing all the grunt work with the baby AND playing a Stepford Wife to boot.

He needs to grow the fuck up and you need to stop being so passive.

@ElectedOnThursday stop using the word “slavery” it’s offensive as fuck, and doesn’t mean what you think it means.

Ladies & Gentlemen, if you personally work 12-hour shifts, do you love it?

Just my question

I have a right To MY opinion.

If it's bossy to you, it's Your problem!

You don't have to agree with me. I don't expect it at all.

My opinion is that 12 hours of shift work is slavery and ruins work/life balance.